Chapter 23 #2
Think of her. Think of the future you want. The future she thinks you’re worth.
I close my eyes.
And then, through the noise, her voice slips in, soft and certain, from that night on the beach all those months ago:
If I could choose any man in this world… it would always be you.
My lungs loosen as I breathe her in: Her love. Her laugh. Her warmth. The way she looks at me like I’m something worth saving. Like she’s never once doubted the man I’m trying to be for her.
I pull out my phone with unsteady fingers and tap the screen.
Her picture fills it: the one where she’s lying on my bed, wrapped in my duvet, looking at me like she sees every good thing I’ve ever tried to hide.
She’s the reason you’re here. She pulls you out of the dark every damn time. Do this for her. Do it for you. Do it for the life you want together.
I sink into the chair, the room fading until it’s just her image glowing back at me – and the thrum in my blood pulling me exactly where I need to go…
Taylor
I thought waiting to take a pregnancy test took patience. It turns out waiting for the right days in your cycle to come around for the necessary scans and bloods to be taken is just as bad.
A full cycle of tests later, it’s February before they have everything they need from me.
And Axel: he’s there today. Giving his sample. And for all he acts like it’s fine, no big deal, I know him. And I know it isn’t easy. Nowhere near.
We’ve both been throwing ourselves into work and each other, but even the joy of sex has changed. It’s like it’s there, pressing between us in the sheets. Heavy. Unspoken.
Is it me?
Is it you?
Is it nothing?
And though he’s been incredible through it all, my constant, I can feel it stretching between us, and I wish I could hit rewind, start afresh. A relationship without the baby pressure… but we came at this backwards: baby first, us second, and I don’t know how to change that.
Maybe it’s too late to change that.
‘Earth to Tay-Tay! Anyone in there?’ Sadie lifts a fist like she’s about to knock on my forehead, and I swat her away.
‘Take it easy; I’m here.’
She eyes me over her coffee cup as the bustle of the café sharpens back into focus.
‘Could’ve fooled me, because I literally just told you I’m buying Theo edible undies for Valentine’s and you didn’t even blink.’
I give a reluctant laugh. ‘Not an image I need in my head before lunch.’
‘No? What about Axel in edible undies?’ She wags her brows and granted, that gets a belly laugh. ‘Finally!’ she crows. ‘The woman laughs!’
‘I’m sorry.’ I place my untouched coffee down. ‘Am I really that bad?’
‘Try Old Man Leo bad.’
I snort. ‘No one is that bad.’
Leo was our neighbour back in the first flat I ever bought. Grumpy as the day is long, a smile was an insult in his book. Though not even his sour presence could put a downer on our first real home together.
‘Oh, I don’t know. Stick a sweeping brush in your hand, fluff your hair, and you’d give him a good run for his money with that scowl.’
‘I wasn’t scowling.’
She gives me the eyebrow.
‘Okay. I was.’
I shove my coffee to the side, my stomach too knotted for caffeine, my nerves too frayed.
I should’ve gone with Axel, but he didn’t want me to.
Said he had it covered. And I trust that he does.
But it doesn’t stop my head from straying his way.
It’s why I asked Sadie out for coffee while Lottie was at school.
A sisterly catch up. But a distraction too.
‘And there you go again…’ she mutters.
I blink. ‘Sorry, love.’
‘I don’t need an apology, Tay. I need to know what’s going on. Theo’s worried. I’m worried.’
‘Theo’s worried?’
She nods. ‘Seriously, you guys are being all weird. Axel’s treating you with kid gloves, and you’re being… I don’t know. Quiet. Meek.’
‘Meek?!’ I choke out.
‘Yeah…’ She nods solemnly. ‘Shocker, right?’
‘I’m not meek. I’m… distracted.’
‘By?’
I lick my lips and glance out of the window, at all the people wandering by, going about their morning. I wonder how many of them are going through the same. How many of them are blessed to have babies on the way. How many of them gave up trying.
I’ve been doing a lot of wondering lately. Wondering, obsessing, spiralling…
‘Taylor.’ Her tone sharpens. ‘I swear if you don’t start talking, I will personally hunt Axel down, and I’m not above getting Lottie to sit on him until he cracks.’
Another laugh slips free. Sadie was always good at this: injecting humour into a tense situation. Or she was, before her ex killed her spirit. I love that she’s got that gift back now, even if it means I’m at the brunt of it.
‘Talk to me, sis, please.’
And so I do. I tell her everything: how it started, how it went, how it is right now.
Her eyes soften with the tale. ‘My God, Tay, I had no idea… I mean, I should have – the way you looked after me growing up, the way you are with Lottie. But I always thought… Hell, I feared I’d put you off motherhood for life.
Put you off relationships, full stop. I was so bloody happy when you and Ax got together. Seeing you settled and all loved-up…’
‘I admit, I didn’t want any of it. I never trusted love to stick.
I didn’t want the responsibility of… more.
’ I sigh, the truth spilling easier than I expected.
‘I was happy building my empire. Chasing the stability I craved for us growing up. Making sure we’d never have to worry about money again.
I thought it was all I needed… but seeing you and Theo, seeing Lottie…
it kickstarted this ache nothing else could touch. ’
‘And so, a baby?’
‘Yeah. My own child to love. To raise.’
‘But then you fell in love with the man who agreed to give you one.’
I smile and it’s so warm and real as I think of him. ‘Yes.’
‘Got more than you bargained for there, didn’t you?’ She squeezes my hand gently. ‘But he’s got you, Tay. He loves you, and you will get through this. Whatever those results say, you’ll face it together.’
She’s right. I know she is. But…
‘You just need to be patient, sis. Give it time.’
Time?
‘Time is the one thing I don’t have.’
‘You’re thirty-eight – hardly ancient!’
‘Easy for you to say; you’re twenty-six, your egg reserves aren’t dwindling.’
I look down at her tiny bump, and she instinctively covers it with her palm, her face crumpling. ‘God, Tay, I’m so sorry. Christmas Day— Theo’s surprise— I must have—’
I squeeze her hand hard, cutting that off immediately. ‘Oh no you don’t. I’m happy for you. For you, Theo, and Lottie. That baby’s in for the best life ever.’
Tears fill her smile. ‘And they have the best aunt ever, sis. And you’ll make the best mum. I know it in my bones. It’ll happen, one way or another. There are always options.’
I nod.
She’s right. Again.
There’s more than one way to become a mum. And even if the path isn’t what I pictured, that doesn’t make it any less right.
If Axel has taught me anything, it’s that life loves to throw the unexpected at you. And somehow, it becomes exactly what you never knew you needed.
‘You’re right,’ I breathe.
She grins. ‘I know. It’s a gift I’ve developed. Now, if you’re not finishing that cinnamon bun, slide it over. I am aggressively embracing eating for two.’
I chuckle as I nudge my plate her way and check my phone.
Maybe a quick text wouldn’t go amiss…
Smiling, I type:
Let me know if you need some virtual assistance xx
He replies in seconds:
You’re already helping, Baby Girl… trust me
Heat blooms in my cheeks, my smile spreading…
‘I’m not even going to ask,’ Sadie says, grinning around her mouthful. ‘But tell Ax I say hi.’