Chapter 1 #3
I drew a long breath, making a superhuman effort to control my emotions and not let anger get the best of me. But despite my best efforts, I couldn’t disguise the brutal discomfort scraping my skin well enough.
Mamma was right. I just wasn’t admitting it out loud.
“You don’t seem happy,” Dad said.
“I’m not,” I answered honestly.
“Nevertheless, you knew this would happen eventually.”
“Yes.”
“You don’t have to get back together with him. Castellammare has rights and duties regarding Lucca. We can speak with our lawyers, but that won’t keep him from having access to the boy.”
“Is that what this is about, love?” Selena’s knowing look brought me some comfort. “Are you afraid he’ll want to take Lucca from you? Would Heithor be capable of that?”
I didn’t dare speak.
“He won’t take the boy from you,” Rocco stated firmly.
“Our lawyers can handle everything, if she doesn’t want to see him, right, darling?”
“It’s not quite like that, vita mia.”
“Of course it is! If she doesn’t want to see him, she won’t see him, period.”
“They have a son, Selena. They can’t simply never speak. There are decisions to be made now and in the future. They’ll need to overcome their differences, even if they don’t get back together, for Lucca’s well-being.”
“Yes, that’s true,” my mother agreed.
Rocco gave me his attention.
“I’m not the best person to talk about Castellammare. As far as I’m concerned, he could go to hell. But he is Lucca’s father. It isn’t right to deprive your son of his relationship with his father.”
I shook my head with a small laugh.
Papà searched my face, and I looked away before he could find traces of what he was looking for. Lucca was beginning to fall asleep, and I wanted to take the cue.
“I’m going to take him to the bedroom.”
Mamma moved first.
“No, let me. I’ll put him in the crib. Stay with your father.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m tired too. It was a long day.”
I stood. She took Lucca and rocked him against her chest.
“Good night, Mom.”
“Good night, love.”
Mamma kissed me and then Rocco.
“I won’t be long,” he told her, and kissed Lucca’s head.
I didn’t miss the look she gave my father before leaving.
I watched Mom go inside, then turned, setting my gaze on Lake Como.
It was summer. Not my favorite season, too hot. I preferred spring, when everything bloomed. Full of colors and delicious scents, not to mention the mild temperature.
“Are you worried Castellammare wants to take Lucca from you?”
I closed my hands into tight fists.
“I don’t want him near me,” I spat in a caustic tone.
Rocco stopped beside me, hands in his pockets, his gaze following mine.
“That is a lot of anger, Antonella, for someone so young,” he observed slowly.
I couldn’t ignore the summons in his crystal-blue eyes.
When papà looked this way, no one could ignore him.
My eyes were hard with the turmoil inside me.
“I don’t know what happened between you two to leave you like this, but I’m here if you want to open up.
Or Selena, if that makes you more comfortable.
If it were up to me, Castellammare wouldn’t come near you even after my death, but I have to be realistic.
He is the father and he has rights, which even you can’t deny… If you need me, just say so.”
“I will.”
He put an arm around me and kissed the side of my head.
“Let’s go to sleep, then.”
I entered my old bedroom. Mamma had redone it and placed a crib in it in the hope that we’d go live with them. That didn’t happen. I think she still secretly held out hope. She could dream. It wouldn’t come true in a million years.
I didn’t just like my independence. I needed it.
I got ready for bed, and when I returned to the bedroom, I took Lucca from the crib and brought him to bed with me. He whimpered sweetly, the way he did when he wanted to nurse.
I pulled Lucca onto my lap and gave him my breast.
My boy was huge, so beautiful and perfect, and so much like him.
I loved him so much it hurt…
It had been a long road to get here.
I arrived destroyed. Crazy. Hurt. Desperate. Every piece of me aching. I couldn’t talk to anyone, couldn’t show it. So I held myself together as best I could.
Since landing in Italy, I had worked on my emotions by digging a deep hole in my mind, where I buried them, to regroup and start over.
I focused on my baby and myself.
I thought I had gotten over it.
I tried to forget everything and move on, pretending nothing had happened.
A new life.
Then, guess what?
You can’t have a new life if there are debts in your past. Ghosts and demons need to be exorcised before you move forward.
I glanced at the crumpled card on the nightstand. My chest tightened as the word seemed to shout, projecting itself from the thick paper.
Perdonami
That damned word was digging everything up. Shovelful by shovelful, digging deep. Scattering and messing up my emotions again. I was full of resentment.
Thor had lied. He had hurt me. Humiliated me when I gave him the best of me.
It had been easy to love him. Easy to believe in tomorrow. In him.
Not anymore.
Of the smiles he once drew from me, now only a deep emptiness remained.