Chapter 8
A month had passed since my conversation with Heithor. He took Lucca to spend time with him practically every day. Giulia told me he also spent some mornings at the playground. That didn’t bother me at all, despite the slight fear.
During this period, I never allowed him into my apartment. He also didn’t dare break the rule while I worked, and I wasn’t worried it would happen. I trusted Giulia for that. And, well, I trusted him too.
Heithor didn’t force things with words, but with the cunning of a predator, moving slowly, almost imperceptibly. I couldn’t fight with him without looking crazy, even though he was the one in the wrong. And besides, I’d decided I wouldn’t make this a vicious cycle between us.
Let him keep trying. He was going to hit a wall.
If Heithor wanted to waste his time, who was I to say no?
I confess there was a certain distorted pleasure in it.
When we spoke, it was a few cordial words.
I deliberately rejected his deep looks filled with agonizing pain.
Pleading eyes screaming in silence. In front of him, I was made of stone and steel.
Civilized. But only God knew how much it hurt to be near him.
I think when you suffer for so long, you end up getting used to it.
His presence didn’t only remind me of what I’d lost. It also made me very aware of how lonely I was.
Pietra came a few times and brought Martha with her for lunch on Saturday before returning to the United States.
They invited me to visit them at their house on Sunday.
Heithor was there, of course. I was in such a state I couldn’t identify my feelings while I watched them interact.
Watching Lucca with his papà brought me so many memories and lost possibilities.
Things that numbed me, enraged me, and again, I ignored.
Ignoring became my new favorite habit.
The flowers never stopped arriving, and the ritual of Gloria coming by to collect them repeated itself.
I could have asked reception not to allow one miserable flower to be delivered.
There was a certain cruel pleasure in sending them to the trash the same way I would have liked to do with my feelings, the way Heithor had done so easily.
After my explosion, I experienced a few days of complete fury.
I couldn’t look at him without becoming a solid, icy stone and being extremely rude. Or be in his presence without feeling angry, without wanting to hurt him.
Heithor awakened the worst in me.
I wanted to be indifferent, and I managed it most of the time, but I wasn’t always able to hold myself back. It was so much stronger than I was. Impulsive and untamable.
His return, this calculated closeness, was bringing up things, feelings, longing, memories, a whole package I wasn’t happy to open again.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Then the anger softened, making room to an infinite melancholy.
***
Today, Milan woke up cloudy, and as the day went on, the weather turned catastrophic.
The sky with white clouds became heavy and dark, a torment creating whirlwinds of dry leaves and making people agitated in the street as they searched for safety.
It looked as if the sky were falling onto the Earth.
I had barely stepped into my building when the world began to collapse.
Later, Giulia called me to make sure I knew she’d gotten home safely.
“What do we have here?” I probed, opening Lucca’s diaper, then closed it on impulse when the sight and stench hit me, but I was forced to reopen it. “My God, boy! We have a catastrophe here too. Or is this a toxic bomb?”
He made his unintelligible sounds and laughed with his two bottom teeth showing.
“Yeees, we do! A big, stinky present for Mommy, huh?”
After changing him, we went to the living room. I left Lucca in the playpen and surrendered to my books and notes. Outside, the rain kept punishing. I got lost in my studies until the doorbell rang.
I looked at Lucca. He was alert to the sound. “Looks like Daddy can’t stay away from you, huh?” I put my material aside and went to answer the door.
“Can I stay here?” Thor said before I had the chance to speak.
“What?” I must not have heard right.
“I had pest problems in the apartment and needed to fumigate. The people came this late afternoon. And this fucking downpour hit. I can’t go in or out.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
“Ella, please.”
“What’s wrong with the lobby?”
He gave me an exasperated look.
“I just need you to give me shelter. Please, Ella.”
“I can’t help you, Heithor.”
“Or you don’t want to?”
“Both.”
“You’re going to deny asylum to the father of your child?”
“You denied me more than that. And, well, we survived. So will you.”
“Ella, please…”
I smiled without showing my teeth.
“I’ll sleep just fine.” I winked and shut the door in his face.
Heithor wasn’t going to fool me with that stupid sob story. Even if this fumigation was true, he could go to a hotel or even to Martha’s.
I went back to my studies. At some point, I picked up a weepy Lucca and gave him my breast while reading the book for my summary.
As the afternoon deepened into night, the weather worsened.
Lightning and thunder roared their fury outside.
The wind was so strong the balcony vegetation was struggling to hold on.
The apocalypse was very close.
Suddenly, the lights went out, and the entire city went dark. Lucca cried, frightened, and I cuddled him, speaking softly while rubbing his little back.
Flashes of lightning burst inside the apartment.
In seconds, the generators worked their magic and the light returned.
Five minutes later, with Lucca in my arms, I approached the window, barely able to see outside because of the storm.
The city was in complete darkness. I sat on the sofa and turned on the TV news.
Milan was being devastated by heavy rain.
They said it was the worst storm of the year and advised residents to remain in their homes.
There were several flooded areas, including train lines, worsening already precarious traffic.
Many trees had fallen because of strong winds and lightning.
Weeeeeell, maybe Heithor hadn’t been lying.
I tried not to think about it.
I wanted to check on him…
Thor was a grown man.
He could very well use the lobby. There were good sofas there.
I bathed Lucca, then we slid into the kitchen.
I put the pasta in the boiling water, added more salt and a little thyme to the tomato sauce, tasted it, then went back to stirring…
I could ignore Lucca staring at me from his little chair, right?
He was only a baby. Babies stared, but mine looked like he was accusing me.
“What? Don’t look at me like that, little lion. Mommy isn’t to blame because God decided to wash Milan today. Besides, your father has a nice, comfortable sofa in the lobby.”
He wasn’t reproaching me. For God’s sake!
“Your papà isn’t a child,” I snapped, convinced I was crazy.
I shoved the worry down. It wasn’t as if I were worried about him. It worked for a while, then I stared at my little lion still watching me.
That boy was conspiring with his father!
I huffed, scowling.
“Fine… Can you stay alone for one little second?”
Lucca babbled, smiling, and shoved the teether into his drooly little mouth.
No, he wasn’t approving anything. Lucca smiled a lot. That was all.
I rolled my eyes at myself, disgusted.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…
At the door, I hesitated a little. But whether I liked it or not, I wouldn’t be able to eat and sleep peacefully knowing Thor had nowhere to go. Well, it also wasn’t as if he were out in the open. And I could admit I was only a little worried.
God, I was a fool!
But he was also my son’s father.
We didn’t need to have this on our private list of bad memories.
I could do this good deed.
I went out into the hallway and came upon a scene that burned my heart.
Thor was sitting on the floor beside his door, knees bent, arms over them, head pressed against the wall and eyes closed.
Was he going to spend the night there?
Why hadn’t he gone down to the lobby?
It wasn’t the most comfortable place, but at least it had some dignity.
Had he been there this whole time?
Going against everything, even against myself, I stopped in front of him. Heithor didn’t move, unaware of my presence. Or actually asleep. I scanned his door with the fumigation notice, with date and time. Guilt fell over me.
“Heithor?”
Nothing.
“Thor? Thor?”
I poked his shoulder.
“Heithor?” I put more force in my voice, thinking I would slap his face if he didn’t react.
He opened his eyes and looked at me.
“Ella…” He rubbed his face. “What time is it?”
“Almost eight. Why are you here and not in the lobby?”
He gave me an irritated look.
“Does it make any difference to you?”
“Come on!”
I turned around and walked back to my apartment. I didn’t hear him behind me. Which made me stop at the door before crossing through it and look at him sideways over my shoulder.
“Are you coming or not?” I grumbled, angry.
He came.
My place. I’m in charge, not him.
I stepped into the kitchen. I stirred the sauce once more and turned it off, then took care of the pasta. I heard the door close. Unease turned me into a bundle of nerves.
My heart raced, and I exhaled hard.
Thor entered the kitchen. Lucca babbled his sounds to get attention.
“Hey, little guy, how are you?” He kissed Lucca. “Where’s the bathroom?”
“In the hall, first door on the left,” I answered mechanically, not looking at him while I transferred the pasta to the serving dish and covered it with sauce.
Heithor left, and I breathed.
I didn’t think much, to be honest.
“Looks like we’re having company for dinner, huh?” I joked with my baby, then picked up the dishes and put them on the table, then the food.
I carried Lucca in his chair and took my seat.
My house, my rules.
“The interior of the apartments lives up to the building’s exterior beauty.”
I lifted my gaze, discarding the compliment.
He looked at the extra place at the table. “May I?”