Chapter 18
After my confession, the whole family fussed over me, but that wasn’t what I needed. For a while, the men were pissed, and one day, Thor showed up with a black eye.
I liked it and hated it.
The women were angry too, but even so, they held firm to the idea that we could fix our mistakes and try again. They believed in Heithor’s redemption. I only wanted to be left in peace. So I stopped going to Sunday lunches and any other family gatherings. Avoiding Selena was a whole other story.
In her philosophy, if there was still love, there was still a way to fix things.
In one thing she was right: love healed every evil, but it also wounded just like violence.
One afternoon, I was called into the CEO’s office, but instead of finding papà, I came face-to-face with mamma sitting behind the desk, wearing a determined expression.
“Why are you avoiding us?”
“You know why.” I stepped up to the desk, undecided whether to stay or turn right back around, but in the end I chose to sink into one of the two chairs facing her.
“Ah, of course! We’re being meddlesome. Is that the only reason?”
It wasn’t only the meddling, and mamma seemed to know that. It was painful and very hard to witness the love between the couples in my family. I didn’t want to envy them for having something I wanted with all my heart.
And yet, there I was, staring back at her with my lips pressed tight.
“How long are you going to keep this situation going?”
“What situation?”
“You and Heithor.”
I shook my head, my hands restless.
“Oh, no… We are not talking about this.”
Selena gave me a firm look.
“Yes, we are.”
I jumped to my feet. “No, we are not. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t tolerate anyone interfering in my life anymore. That includes you too.”
“I didn’t carry you for nine fucking months so you could tell me that now, girl!
” Selena stood too, planted her hands on the desk, and leaned forward, looking like a beast. “And if you were doing something worthwhile with your life instead of living with your head up your ass, I wouldn’t interfere in your business.
I refuse to stand by with my arms crossed while you simply let your life pass you by… So, is there an date?”
“For what?”
“For putting an end to this suffering.”
My eyebrow rose.
“You’re joking, right?”
“I’ve seen people suffer over situations beyond their control, Antonella. I’ve suffered a lot myself, but suffering by choice is a first.”
I stared, openmouthed, as I dropped back into the chair.
“Wow, Mom… That’s… Holy God… Thank you for the idiot-of-the-year award.”
“I’m not the one you should be thanking… and neither is Heithor.”
I swallowed my outrage and the harsh words in my throat because, after all, Selena was my mother, although she sounded as if she didn’t remember that.
“Have you forgotten what he did to me? Because I haven’t.”
She sat again, crossed her legs, and tossed her hair back. Mamma didn’t waver in her determined posture. Her voice was calm but sure.
“Forgetting isn’t the point.”
“Then what is?”
“It’s you. The punishment you’re imposing on yourself.
If you were still doing something to get out of this, believe me, I wouldn’t interfere, but you’re not even trying to overcome this situation.
You’re settled in it and completely surrendered…
Don’t turn into a bitter person, love. Don’t give Lucca that example. Don’t give yourself that kind of life.”
“Heithor made me what I am, Mom.”
Her eyes softened maternally, her smile almost sad.
“No, love, you are what you make of yourself.”
“Good thing we solved that,” I snapped between my teeth, hands on the arms of the chair, ready to stand, hardened by anger. My eyes burned, but the stupor didn’t allow me to cry. “If you’re done, I have to work.”
Selena disregarded my words.
“You’re unhappy. He’s unhappy. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
“No.”
“No?”
“I will not be one of those weak women who are betrayed and still go back to their partners because they’re incapable of loving themselves. I have…”
I stopped speaking, mortified by my own words.
“Mom, I didn’t…”
“You think I’m weak? That I don’t have self-respect because I forgave your father?”
“God, Mom, no, I don’t think that. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it.”
“Is reconciling with Heithor easy?”
“Mom…”
“Answer,” she snapped.
“No,” I whispered, lowering my eyes, ashamed.
“I know many people judged me as weak, even you… No, you don’t need to deny it or lie to me.
I know that’s how it was. I used to think that way myself until I was in that position…
But, Antonella, I was far from weak. It takes great courage, great strength, to move past pride and start over with someone who stabbed you in the back when you only loved him, even if that person gives endless proof of his remorse and his desire to fix things.
It’s hard to trust again. Not impossible, but so hard that the effort can seem not worth it.
Do you know what’s easy?” I looked at her, speechless.
“Staying defensive, chewing over the past, hiding from the world and from yourself. Surviving. Living, Antonella… ah, living requires a dose of bravery and incalculable risk. It isn’t for everyone.
I sincerely hope, for your own happiness, that you realize that in time. ”
I covered my face with my hands and sighed hard, defeated.
“What do you want me to do, Mom? I can’t forget. Heithor, he…”
“Made a mistake. You made mistakes. I made mistakes. Your father made mistakes. Lucca will make mistakes. We will all keep making mistakes until death. Do you want perfection? Paint a picture. Write a book. Immortalize a happy moment in a photo. There is no perfection in living, Antonella.”
I fell silent as I looked at her, unable to argue with her what she had said.
Selena gave me a weak smile, then stood and picked up her purse. Her gaze was very resolute. I had never seen her so serious before.
“Discovering your father’s betrayal was one of the worst things in my life, if not the worst after losing your brother.
I was so angry, truly furious. The desire for revenge was very strong, and at the same time, it hurt me so much.
I wanted to wound him the way he had wounded me…
Oh, God, I wanted to so badly, so badly…
But it wasn’t enough. Nothing was, really…
Then there was you… Yes, you’re right, love.
No woman or man should stay in a relationship because of a child, but because they want to be together…
When I gave your father another chance—and no, it wasn’t easy to do that, not at all—there was this little part of me screaming at me…
I did think of you, yes. That’s what parents do.
But I didn’t give myself a second chance with Rocco because of you…
I was broken without him, and I love him infinitely.
I wanted to believe him, to believe in us.
“I gave myself a chance to be happy, to at least try. I don’t know, nor do I have any interest in knowing, what it would have been like if I had chosen to end our marriage…
And no, I haven’t forgotten that unhappy episode.
All of it, the good and bad memories, are part of my story.
Those passages are there to be remembered, overcome, and every one of them has value in my life.
They shaped me into the woman I am. I’m happy I made the decision to stay and start over because, despite every argument against it and despite my pride, there was still love on both sides…
I wanted that… I am happy… Your pride can never rule your life and your choices, Antonella, especially when your happiness is at stake…
Always choose to be happy, no matter what.
Everything has its price, and sometimes what seems easier costs much more. Never forget that.”
She came around and kissed my face, the maternal expression making me relax.
“Heithor is your way back to yourself, just as your father is mine. Whatever choice you make, whether you give him another chance or move on without him, do it completely.”
Indignation passed through me, but she was right… up to a point.
Revenge was a double-edged sword. It brought me satisfaction, but it also caused me deep suffering.
Hurting Heithor hurt me.
Hating him wounded me.
There was pleasure in getting even, yes, but I was unhappy.
I missed Heithor every day. I dreamed of him. Thought of him. Breathed him in. Still, I was incapable of taking that step toward him or away from him.
So I went on with my dull life. We were entering February; soon it would be my twenty-first birthday.
Nothing was going well. I was back on autopilot.
If I were honest with myself, I’d admit that the only time I’d rehearsed a way out of that state of stupor was when Heithor had been living in my apartment.
But surviving was fine too. I was overloaded on purpose.
As long as I had things to do, I wouldn’t think, and if I didn’t think, I wouldn’t feel.
Yet there were those moments that couldn’t be avoided. Maybe I was becoming depressed.
Sometimes, in those small, slippery moments, I thought it would be easier to be with him.
That I could try one more time. A part of me wanted that…
A big part… It was so hard… And it hurt more now that Heithor had accepted my refusal.
However, the flowers never stopped coming, and I was secretly happy about it.
They gave me a certain solace and nostalgia at the same time.
It was confusing. Then one day I stopped sending them to the trash.
I was in my cubicle when I received a call from him.
“Come to my apartment after work.”
“I’m busy,” I grated, not liking his demand one bit.
“Make time. I’m traveling tonight. And we need to resolve some pending things about our son and how we’re going to make this work.”
“What time?”
“Eight.”
Heithor hung up without even a goodbye.
***
“Come in and make yourself comfortable. I just need to finish this call.”
I faltered at his coldness and indifference, blinking like an idiot.
Heithor closed the door, then went back to speaking on the phone.
I looked at his back as he walked away, then ran my gaze around.
The first and last time I’d been here, I had been too tense to absorb the space.
His apartment was bigger than mine. It had an open space, living and dining room with a large balcony.
The kitchen, behind me, was separated by a huge sliding door.
A narrow hallway led to what I assumed were the bedrooms. From the balcony of my apartment’s living room, I had the incredible view of the Unicredit Tower, but Heithor’s couldn’t even be compared.
It was simply magnificent. With floor-to-ceiling windows filling the walls, Milan’s horizon opened as far as the eye could see.
Some time passed before Thor joined me.
“Sorry. I was resolving the last details of the trip. Since I’m leaving tonight, I couldn’t leave it for later. Would you like some juice? I made it shortly before you arrived.”
“Sure. Why not?”
Sketching a weak smile, I rubbed my hands on my pants, distracting myself from the sudden nervousness. The hint of panic made my heart half frantic at his statement.
I breathed deeply, wanting to push away the stealthy pain.
He stood, and then a glass appeared in front of me.
Thor took the armchair beside me and passed a hand over his face. As he exhaled, his eyes closed. He looked tired… and distant, almost as cold as a block of ice.
So this is it. We’re finished.
I took a sip of juice, then another, forcing the knot down.
God, when did we become such strangers?
“If you don’t mind, could we talk now?”
Heithor leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his calm gaze fixed firmly on me with something, I didn’t know… I had a feeling.
I only wanted to go home and cry.
“I’ll be direct. I don’t want to involve the courts. There’s no need for that between us. We can resolve this situation in a healthy way for everyone.”
I rejected the sting with a smile while nodding in agreement.
Heithor continued his pragmatic speech, and although I agreed with his arguments and they favored me a great deal, all of it hurt my chest and also made me somewhat angry because he was making it so easy for me.
I don’t know what I expected. More fighting, maybe? More insistence? His surrender and resignation made me… The lump swelled in my throat.
I wanted Heithor to fight harder.
I wanted… I don’t know… I simply wanted more.
God, I didn’t know how much longer I could do this.
But then, at some point in this conversation, I stopped paying attention to his words. Fatigue suddenly began to hit hard.
“Heithor, sorry, but can we talk about this later? I… I don’t feel well. I think…” I stood and grew dizzy. “I don’t…”