Chapter 19 #3
“I should have trusted you, should have given you the fucking benefit of the doubt, should have been your safe harbor… I should have done so many things, but I didn’t…
and I’m so sorry for everything… If I could undo all the pain I caused you.
If I could take back my words, my actions, if I could only go back, I would do everything differently, love…
What else can I say? All I have left is fucking shame…
I can only say that I’m a new man and hope you trust me, that at least you give me what I was an idiot not to give you, the benefit of the doubt.
That you want me… I would do anything for us to overcome this.
My life is on pause waiting for you. It always will be, only for you.
I love you, Antonella… Please put me on your page.
Write on me. We can start over with a draft, any way you want. ”
I looked at him, unable to speak for minutes… hours… months…
Thor sighed, tired and defeated, the life disappearing from his eyes.
“Is this what you really want, Ella?”
I still didn’t speak.
“All right, Ella. It will be your way. Always… I’m making you unhappy, aren’t I? Apparently, that’s the only thing I’m capable of doing.”
My heart tightened in such a way that the pain was physical.
“All right,” he repeated with a breaking voice, wiping his face.
“You don’t want my love, don’t want my regret, nothing of mine except our son, who seems to be the only right thing in our lives.
Begging for you, even if it touches me every time, is better than having nothing of you.
But even that upsets you. I promised myself I would never hurt you again, and I’m not keeping my promise…
All right… I’m sorry for everything, Antonella.
I’m sorry I wasn’t the man you expected me to be. ”
This man who had hurt me so much.
This man who loved me so much.
This man who made me so happy and just as sad.
This man who offered me extremes.
This man I love so much… and who loves me.
My pride was still curled in a corner like a wounded wild animal licking its wounds, very distrustful… Thinking of being without Heithor forever…
And most important, did I believe him?
I realized I did, but I wanted to hurt him too.
I loved him and I was broken, not only because of the suffering he had caused, but because of not having him in my life anymore… I was tired of hurting myself…
I didn’t want to be broken anymore.
My pride was still big, but thinking of a life without Thor… I reached a conclusion I didn’t like, but it was as real as the sky above our heads.
I would be infinitely more unhappy.
The thunder was like trumpets resounding in a goodbye, a definitive rupture that, until that moment, I hadn’t realized I wasn’t prepared for.
Not yet. Possibly never.
My heart raced wildly, hard, thunderous.
Looking at the rigid back of the man I loved, ready to give up on me because he believed that was what I wanted…
I was dismembered again. It felt as if I had ripped my heart from my chest and torn it in half with my own hands.
One half stayed bleeding in my fingers, the other went with Heithor.
He grabbed the doorknob, and it made a sound under the force of his grip.
He hesitated. I knew that if Heithor walked out that door, we would be over forever.
There would be no going back. He would keep his word.
And I, too trapped in my pride, would live a mediocre and unhappy life.
I needed to move…
Move! Move!
My breathing grew heavy.
I wanted to be whole again.
I focused on him, loving, doubting…
Heithor opened the door, and I almost died.
The impulse was involuntary, taking me to him, and with my heart in my mouth, trembling, I held his other hand, panting. I focused on our joined hands.
Pride or happiness?
A choice that seemed so simple, but is as complex as living or dying.
In silence, I appreciated the warmth of his hand, so much larger than mine, its roughness and strength, the texture of his skin playing between coarse and soft.
I felt his small tremor. He turned and looked where I was staring.
My eyes filled with tears once again, my heart a thousand miles an hour.
“If you…” I paused, swallowing. “If you break my heart one more time…” I lifted my gaze after an infinity of time. “I’ll kill you.”
No one had ever looked at me the way Heithor looked at me, as if he were handing me the power of his happiness, as if I held power over his life.
That look made me feel powerful and gave me a strong sense of protection.
Heithor pulled me against his body. His hand swept my hair back while my arms circled his waist, his intense and emotional eyes inside mine.
He was crying too.
His voice was thick, choked, when he carved his promise into my heart.
“I will love you until my heart stops beating. Never again. Never again will anything or anyone keep me from being with you. I will never lose you again, Antonella. You are my life, my home. You are my air, and I can’t live without it. I love you.”
I wiped my runny nose with the backs of my hands.
“You’re my air too, Heithor,” I said shyly.
Thor kissed me on the mouth, but it was my soul he touched.
I had never felt so light, so happy. I even softened against him, weak when the weight of unhappiness left me. I wasn’t less wounded. There were still wounds healing.
“Will you marry me?”
I went to the little table, picked up the ring, slid it onto my finger, and showed him.
Heithor advanced, lifting me in his arms, squeezing me so hard, and kissed me forever. And it was all right. I was realigned on my axis.
I was his. Actually, I suspect I had always belonged to Heithor Castellammare.