Chapter 11 #2
For several minutes, they ate without speaking.
In the silence, her thoughts were chaotic.
Why had she agreed to come out on a date?
Just last night, she’d been trapped in a burning barn.
What’s worse, she’d been locked in on purpose.
And now, she was eating a sandwich and pretending like nothing had happened.
But really, there was one thing that she wanted to know. “How do you know about panic attacks?”
“Well.” Aiden wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. “One of my first years on the job, I was fighting a fire when a wall collapsed. It fell on my leg, and I was pinned in place for a few minutes. Although to be honest, it felt like days.”
“I can see how that would cause panic attacks.”
“There’s more,” he said, scooping up chicken and biscuits. “I was with another firefighter. Tony.” He shoved the bite into his mouth. Chewed and swallowed. “He was closer to the wall when it fell. It landed on top of him. He didn’t make it.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said, reaching for his hand.
He folded his fingertips over hers. “For years, I wondered why I survived when he didn’t.
I’d wake up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat.
My heart would be going a thousand beats a minute.
Then, I’d remember what happened and guilt would grip my middle.
It’d double me over with pain. There were other times when I was doing something else, like buying milk at the grocery store.
A switch in my brain flipped and I was back in the fire. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move.”
“Are you better now?” she asked.
“Most of the time, yeah,” he said. “Although it was a lot of work.”
“What did you do?”
“Therapy,” he said with a smile. “Lots and lots of therapy. My dad has a friend who’s a psychologist. I was on meds for a while. Both got me through.”
Right after Derek died, Lucy talked to a grief counselor. They encouraged her to get more help, but she declined. Where would she be now if she’d gotten into therapy? She ate a few more bites of sandwich. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“I don’t want you to feel pressure. I just wanted you to know what worked for me.”
As far as Lucy knew, nobody in her family had ever sought out help for mental health issues.
Oh, that didn’t mean there weren’t problems. After Derek died, her parents fought constantly.
They blamed each other for his death. She was relieved when they finally got divorced.
The thing was, neither of them could stay at the Five Steers. The memories were too painful.
And Lucy couldn’t leave. The memories were all she had of her brother.
Her father lived in Rhode Island and was married to his third wife, a woman whom Lucy had never met. Her mother worked in the kitchen at a yoga training center in Colorado. She came back to North Dakota twice a year—and that was because the center closed for deep cleaning.
“Tell me about yourself,” he asked, scooping another bite of chicken and biscuits into his mouth.
She certainly wasn’t going to tell him how her family fell apart after her brother died. Instead, she asked, “What do you want to know?”
He took another bite. “What’s your favorite TV show?”
“The weather,” she said.
He laughed. “No, really. What do you like to watch on TV?”
“Honestly, the weather. I live on a ranch in North Dakota. What’s going on weather-wise is important.”
“Point taken.”
“What about you? What’s your favorite show on TV?”
“Me? I’m a history documentary guy.”
“Favorite time period?”
“Right now, I’m bingeing a series on World War One. It’s fascinating.”
“I’ll tell my grandpa about it.”
“Are you calling me old?” he asked.
She laughed. “I’m not calling you anything. I’m just saying that you like the same thing as an eighty-year-old man.”
“Maybe your grandfather likes the same things as a thirty-year-old,” he said with a smile. “Did you ever think about that?”
“Point taken,” she said, echoing his words. Since they were obviously playing get-to-know-you games, she asked, “What did you like to do as a kid?”
“Back when I was growing up, we used to play this game. We had to name two things we didn’t understand but wish we did.”
“I bet that started a lot of conversations,” said Lucy.
“You’d win money on that bet,” he said. “You want to go first?”
“Oh, that’s a hard one.” She shoved two French fries into her mouth and washed them down with the last swallow of soda. “I can’t think of anything.”
Ruth approached the table, carrying a fresh drink. “Here you go,” she said, setting the glass on the table.
“I need your help,” said Lucy.
“Anything,” said Ruth.
“What’s one thing you don’t understand but wish you did?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” said Ruth. “Why are brides on those dress shows always so mean? They’re getting married to a great guy. They have a loving family. They’re buying a pretty dress. What gives?”
“Good question,” said Aiden. “And I don’t have the answer.” Then, to Lucy, he said, “But that’s cheating. You can’t ask people for help.”
She liked his silly game. “You never said anything about rules,” she laughed.
“There’s bananas foster in the kitchen. It’s delicious. There are only two servings left. If you want them, you gotta grab them now.”
Lucy had finished most of her sandwich and all but a few of her fries. She was full but not stuffed. “I couldn’t eat a whole dessert.”
“You can split one,” Ruth suggested. “There’s homemade vanilla ice cream.”
“Splitting the bananas foster sounds perfect,” said Aiden. “And I’ll take a cup of coffee.”
“You can bring a second cup,” said Lucy.
Ruth picked up the dirty dishes. “Be right back.”
Aiden waited until she was gone. “It’s still your turn.”
“Here’s what I really don’t get and wish that I understood,” she said. “I’m fascinated by how the mind works. It’s chemicals and reactions on a physical level. But it’s also emotions. Memories. Desires. Wants and needs. How do those all come into play to make us who we are?”
“That’s a really big question,” said Aiden.
“I know,” she said. “But I’d love to find out.”
“Why don’t you?” he asked. “The university here has a psychology program.”
The idea of learning what made her—and everyone else—tick was alluring.
But it would never work. She shook her head. “After my brother died, I didn’t do well. My last two years of high school, I barely passed all my classes. I don’t think Red Grove would let me in.”
“They have a program where you can get credit for life experience. You’ve run a business for years. That would count for something.”
“Then there’s the ranch. It takes all my time and more money than I have.”
“At least you know that it’s here, if things change.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I guess.”
Then again, that was the problem. Things were changing all the time, and Lucy just wanted life to stay the same.