Chapter Seven
Hawk loved working at Palmer’s Gifts. He loved interacting with customers.
Working with the mayor on the finishing touches to the summer fair, he felt at home.
Not only was he working on the summer fair, he was also contributing to Halloween.
The work was not stressful but fun, and it kept him busy.
At first, all he wanted to do after his heart attack was go back to work, back to the way things were.
However, nothing was going to change the fact he was different.
He hadn’t told anyone that as he woke up, knowing what he’d experienced, reliving that pain over and over, he couldn’t stop thinking about what his life had become.
All work. Nothing else. And he wasn’t proud of it.
In fact, he had hated that his life had come down to work, to a bunch of numbers and nothing else.
He didn’t have what his parents had, or what his sister had.
Sitting in the hospital, looking at his cell phone, he went back over the pictures of the weddings and family get-togethers he had gone to. There were even some pictures his family had sent to him. In those pictures, he was in the background, on his cell phone, working. Always working.
He didn’t have a family. No kids. And as he sat at the graveyard where Adam was laid to rest, he couldn’t help but wonder what he could have done differently.
This was where Katie found him, carrying a small bouquet of flowers.
“Hawk?”
He looked up and ran his hands down his legs. “Hey,” he said. “I was about to come to the shop.”
“That’s okay. You’re not an employee,” she said with a giggle. “You came to visit Adam?”
“Yeah, I, uh, he and I lost touch, as you know. I just came to clear my head.”
“I thought you were talking with the mayor.”
“I was.”
“Did you hate it?” she asked, moving toward Adam’s grave. He watched as she cleared away some of the fallen leaves and took out the dead flowers, to replace them with new ones.
“No, I didn’t.”
She turned to look at him. “Does that surprise you?”
He nodded. “Yeah, it does. You know, I spent my whole life trying to get away from this place.” He ran a hand down his face.
“Hawk, you are a success story.”
“Not that much of a success story.” He couldn’t help but rub his chest.
“We all hit ... problems,” she said. “Look at me and Adam.”
“I never saw what was coming,” he said. “I didn’t think I was ever going to come back home.
” He let out a forced laugh. “You know, if someone had said to me a year ago that I was going to be living back home with my parents, I would have laughed, because there was no fucking way that was happening.”
“Do you hate it here?” she asked.
“No, and that is the craziest thing about this. I don’t hate it. I love it here. I just finished with the mayor and we’re talking about a maze, a pumpkin patch, and a whole bunch of other things, and I am enjoying it.”
“You don’t miss going on a private plane to different countries?” she asked. She moved from her spot beside Adam and sat next to him on the bench.
“No, I don’t.” He sighed.
“What’s wrong?”
He ran a hand down his face and tried to clear his mind. “When I woke up in the hospital after everything, I didn’t call the nurse or the doctor. I laid in that hospital bed, and I looked up at the ceiling, and you know what I realized?”
“What?”
“I had nothing.”
“Hawk?”
“No, hear me out. I had absolutely nothing other than my company. Sure, I had built up this amazing brand, and I’m grateful for it, and thankful and all that shit, but it doesn’t change the fact that it was all I had.
My sister has a husband and kids, and my parents have each other and us.
They have people. I had no one. I’ve stayed so focused on earning money, on building my reputation, that I didn’t do anything else. ”
Katie sat down beside him.
“They never tell you that you would have this regret,” he said.
She smiled but it was one of those sad smiles that never quite reached the eyes, but you just knew the other person was feeling nothing more than pain. “There are a lot of things they don’t tell you about getting older.”
He laughed. “Yeah, because life has got to hit you in the ass. They don’t tell you that you’ll live most of your life thinking one thing, and then something will hit you like, bam, and next, there is nothing but deep regret.”
“Do you regret building up your company?” she asked.
“Yes and no. Do I regret it completely? No, because I know I made something amazing, and let’s face it, the advertisements you see are top-notch.”
This time there was a genuine laugh as he gave her a cocky grin.
“Do I regret focusing solely on my company and turning myself into nothing more than a robot? Yeah, I do. I’ve got lots to show, yet I don’t have a lot of memories. I bet you have tons of memories. Opening the shop. Your wedding day. Being with Adam. I mean ... I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Katie said. “I’m not going to sit here and pretend that Adam and I had the perfect marriage.
We didn’t, and yet I wouldn’t change anything about my time with him.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets. Adam was so afraid of his illness, and he had a right to be.
But even when he fought it the first time, knowing both his parents died of cancer, he always said the risk of having children was too high.
I know some people believe it was from the treatment, and I guess we let them believe that, because it was easier than having to explain why he didn’t want kids. ”
“You want kids?” he asked.
“Yeah, I do.” She shrugged. “But I loved Adam so much, and I wasn’t going to leave him to go and get something that at the time I didn’t know if I truly wanted.”
“He was lucky to have you.”
She looked at him. “What about you? Do you want kids?”
He turned to look at Adam’s graveside. “I don’t know.
” This wasn’t entirely true. In the last few weeks, he had to face the truth—that he wanted it all.
He wanted a family. He wanted to be a father and a husband, and that scared the shit out of him.
It was something he often ridiculed—the family man, the family life—it was not something he wanted.
There had even been times he had mocked it to promote a product or sell something.
Now, he looked toward Adam and knew his friend had been hurting. Adam had wanted a family. He’d wanted kids, he wanted it all. But out of fear, he’d sacrificed all he wanted. Hawk understood it and wished he had been there.
The only trouble with leaving town was, staying in touch happened less and less, and he had lost his friendship with Adam. He’d lost so much in his search to be number one.
Thinking about everything he had experienced, he had to wonder if it was all worth it.
****
The fair was a real hit, and as Katie walked around the storefronts, along with all the food on offer, it was the biggest turnout she had ever seen. She knew that was because of Hawk. She spotted Sarah, his sister, and made her way over to her.
“Hey,” she said.
“Katie, it is so good to see you,” she said, to which Sarah threw her arms around her. “My brother certainly knows how to throw an event, doesn’t he? It makes me think he should have been a wedding planner.”
“Where’s Harry and the boys?”
“Oh, we’re tag-teaming so we can tire them out, so they don’t cause any trouble.
The plan is to keep them busy, moving from ride to ride, making them run around, avoiding too much candy, and when it looks like they’re going to fall asleep, plying them with more candy.
When we get home, they should be too tired to even complain it is bedtime. ”
The whole time Sarah was talking, she had this huge smile on her face and looked so damn happy.
“Boys sound exhausting.”
“Trust me, they are. So exhausting. My advice, if you have kids, try for girls. I don’t even know if there is a special wand, or a special anything, but if you can try it, do it. Girls the whole way, we’re not nearly half as exhausting.”
She couldn’t help but laugh, as Sarah took a bite of her corn dog. “Damn, that is good this year. You want a bite?”
“That’s okay,” Katie said, holding her hands up.
“So, I hear you and my brother are spending a lot of time together. Do you want to talk about that?” Sarah asked.
“He’s a great guy, and he certainly knows what he is doing.”
“That he does.”
Katie looked toward Sarah and saw the sadness sweep over the other woman’s face. “What’s wrong?” Katie asked.
“Nothing. I mean, it’s not nothing, I’m just, he’s always hated this town, yet look at what he can create.
He’s a natural, and he nearly died. I think at times, I have to stop telling myself he’s sick, or that something is wrong.
I mean, he’s here with us, but it’s just scary to think he might not have been. ”
She had not thought of it like that.
“He’s strong, Sarah. I know that.”
“Yeah, he is strong, but that doesn’t mean he might not get bored with all of this and return to work. I know my parents are afraid he will change.” Sarah shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t mean to put this all on you.”
“It’s fine.”
“He cares about you, you know,” Sarah said, changing the subject.
“What?”
“My brother. He cares about you, and when he first came home, he was like the grumpiest bastard on the planet. Then he bumped into you, and I don’t know, you perked him right up.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter what you did. Whatever it was, you saved him.” Sarah glanced over her shoulder and gripped her arm. “That’s me, I’m up. Talk later.”
Katie watched as Sarah went toward Harry and their sons, and she was the one dragging them off to another ride, while Harry looked exhausted. He gave her a wave, then went to grab himself a corn dog.
She walked around the stands, seeing the games, and watching the rides.
“Guess who?” Hawk asked, as he put his hands across her eyes, coming up behind her.
“A stalker?”
“Close.” He pressed a kiss to her neck and let her go, allowing her to turn into his arms. “What do you think?” he asked.
“I am impressed. I don’t know how you did it.”
“Just brought everyone together, I guess.”
“You’re not doing too much, are you?” she asked. There was no sign that Hawk looked exhausted.
“No, I feel good. None of this was stress, and to be honest, the mayor did most of it. I just ... you know, helped.”
She had a feeling he did more than he was letting on, but if he wanted to be modest, she was not going to pry.
“How about you and I go on that Ferris wheel?” he asked.
“Sure.” She was not about to tell him she was afraid of heights.
They stood in line for ten minutes, and there were plenty of carousels available.
Sliding into one, Hawk joined her, and they were secured in their position.
She felt a little sick. She took a deep breath, and then they were on their ride.
Her heart started to race. For as long as she could remember, she had been afraid of heights.
“I absolutely love the Ferris wheel,” he said.
“You do.” She tried not to think about how high they were in the sky. Seeing across the trees was totally normal.
“Yeah, it helps me think. You get higher and higher, and it lifts all your troubles right out of you.”
As for herself, it just reminded her that rides were made by humans, and humans could make a mistake, and there might be a bolt or a screw that wasn’t quite tight enough. Like now, wasn’t that a shake? Did she feel a shake? Was that creaking natural, or were there too many people on the ride?
“You can take a deep breath, and there is no one to take it from you, no one to hurt you.”
Just plunging to your death, Katie thought but didn’t say anything.
Hell, no. She had also started to perspire. This was not good. She was going to stink. She felt sick.
It’s fine.
The view was breathtaking, only her fear was stopping her from enjoying it. That sick feeling was not evaporating.
It’s fine.
They were fine. She didn’t know how many times she could keep telling herself she was fine.
“Shit, Katie, are you okay?” he asked.
She turned her head, and she was pretty sure their cage moved. “I’m fine.”
“You look terrified.”
“I’m fine.”
He frowned. “You’re afraid of heights, aren’t you?”
She was holding onto the single bar that kept them locked in tight, with a death grip.
“A little bit. By a little, I mean a lot,” she said.
“You didn’t have to come on this ride. We could have gone on any other ride.”
“But you wanted to go on this one, and I’m not going to stop you from enjoying the rides you want to go on.” She took a deep breath. “Don’t worry about it. My ... I can handle this.”
She was not going to spoil it for him. She was just not going to look down.
“You look beautiful,” Hawk said.
“Thank you.”
“And when I look at you, in that pink dress, I think about taking you into the crazy house and finding a dark spot, so I can push it up to your waist, tear your panties off, and put my mouth on your pussy.”
That was so unexpected, but whatever Hawk was trying to do, it worked. She turned to look at him, and she couldn’t help but press her thighs together as the pleasure rushed through her body.
“What?”
“You heard me.” He leaned in close so his lips were right next to her ear. “Are you wearing the silky pink pair, or the delicate lace?” he asked.
Hawk had seen a great deal of her lingerie collection. On one of the days he stayed overnight, he had actually helped her do the laundry. He had teased her about her love of sexy lingerie, but it was something he also said he approved of.
The fear that had been gripping her and squeezing at her very core vanished, and she looked over at him. It became abundantly clear to her that she could do this for Hawk. She also happened to like his teasing. It was highly erotic.
She didn’t want anyone else to hear what she was wearing, and she leaned in close so her lips were right next to his ear. “I’m wearing the lace,” she said.
He groaned. “You see, I love you in lace, because it means your flesh is peeking out, and that is just so fucking sexy.” He let out a little growl. He wrapped his arm across her shoulder and pulled her in close.
Usually, any kind of movement would set her off, but being close to Hawk calmed and excited her.
His body wrapped around her, and she couldn’t help but feel safe.
Even as they continued to move, going around in circles.
It wasn’t the kind of ride designed to frighten.
It was the kind of ride designed to go slow, so you could view the sights and really marvel at the world. At least, that was what she felt.
“When we get off here, I want you to come and find me,” Hawk said.
“Why?”
“Because I want you to completely forget your fear and just look forward to being with me.”
She already was.