Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Playing: “In Your World” by Hyooman
I sit in my car outside of McMillan’s firm, willing myself to go in and get on with my routine, but there’s a knot in my stomach.
The offer from Alston takes up a lot of space in my mind, like a dream come true after a long, tiring bout through a violent sandstorm.
That single thought alone tells me that the decision I am exhausted over has already been made.
Not only do I need this, but my pack needs this.
They need me around more often; I know that now.
Hiding in the shadows while they figure things out on their own is no longer acceptable, especially now that we have a new addition wiggling her way into our hearts.
I need to take this offer, but it feels a little like failure.
Like I can’t handle the schedule, or like I’m not built for a more cutthroat world.
Consciously, I know those insecurities are futile, but I can’t stop the feelings from flooding me in every way. Like I’m not worth it. Like I should have stayed in that group home all those years ago to spare my pack and my grandma from the disappointment.
My phone is to my ear without another thought. It rings and rings, and for a moment I think she’s not going to pick up, but then the ringing stops.
“Sammy, my boy.” My grandma’s sweet voice appears. “This is a lovely surprise. I thought you’d be at work.”
“I’m supposed to, but—” I swallow roughly. “I think I need to leave my internship.”
The line is silent for a moment. “Okay. Tell me more.”
“It’s been tough. Well, that’s an understatement. My boss is more and more abrasive. Inappropriate. And I realize that I don’t actually enjoy it that much.”
“Law in general or the internship?”
“The internship. I got an offer to work for someone else, but I’m having a hard time accepting it.”
“Good. Because law is your passion, anyone can see it. Why are you hesitant to take this job?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “It’s a better offer, it’ll give me a lot of time with my pack and more time for school. But it feels too good to be true.”
“You mean, you’ll feel like a failure if you admit that you need a rest?”
I hang my head. I should have known she’d see right through me. “Something like that.”
“This all goes back to that awful thing my son did. I wish I could wring his neck.” She gives a heavy sigh. “I think you know what you have to do, Sam.”
I nod because I do. I have to walk in there and quit despite how scary it feels. “I know.”
“And not just for your pack—for yourself. You deserve to be relaxed and happy. You’ll still be able to volunteer and do your charity work, you just won’t have to think about bullshit while you’re doing it.”
“Yeah, it’s for the best,” I agree. “And I need to be at home more. My pack… Nana, my pack and I met someone. Someone we really like.”
There’s a sound of joy and I can imagine her smiling. “This someone… have you let them in, yet?”
I smile at her use of neutral pronouns. “She’s slowly but surely breaking through my walls, yes,” I reply. “She makes our pack feel a little less broken.”
“She sounds like a keeper.”
“But I don’t know how to accept it. Things feel so scary. My friends don’t know what’s going on with me either. The stress makes me unrecognizable, I guess.”
“You’ve been keeping it all locked up again, haven’t you, Sam?” she asks, and the concern in her voice is what makes me crack. “Your friends deserve to know who you are. Kit didn’t look at you any differently, did he?”
I nod but realize she can’t see me. “No, but he’s my scent match. It was easier to tell him about it.”
“The thing that happened to you isn’t something you can forget. We’ve been over this. You have to accept that it affected you.”
“But, it’s so small in comparison. Just an unfortunate blip. Less than two percent of my life.”
“And it’s the most important two percent, because now you have this compulsive drive. It’s one of the best and worst things about you, my dear, because you have the power to take care of the people around you, but you won’t let anyone take care of you.”
“It’s not that bad,” I say, but the firm is in my periphery, and I realize that I was about to continue working in a horrible environment just so I could prove I could do it.
“Sam, you used to deep clean the house every other week growing up. And we had maids who cleaned every day.”
“Nana—”
“No. Sam, you’d accidentally clean it so much that the paint would come off, and then you’d go get paint to repaint it. You developed a compulsion. Are you cleaning your own house like that nowadays?”
I purse my lips. “I’m not really home enough to do that.”
“See, that’s what I mean,” she strikes, firm and final. “You have to criticize yourself. Instead of being proud that you no longer clean compulsively, you attack something else about yourself.”
“I just—” I shake my head, not being able to accept it. “I want to have been worth it.”
“Worth what, Sammy?”
“You took me in,” I say as my voice cracks. “You were done with raising children, but you took me in, rather than leaving me in that place.”
My grandma makes a cooing noise, like she wants to comfort me from here. “Yes, I did. And I would do it again. You are everything to me.”
But would I have been everything if I didn’t try so hard? Would I have been worth it if I didn’t try to make something of myself? Channel my alpha into something productive? All these thoughts whirl in my head, and I can’t comb through them because of the emotion in my chest.
I must be silent for too long, because my grandma continues.
“Your parents are, excuse my French, little shitheads.” I cough up a wet laugh.
“Your grandfather was all about that toxic alpha indoctrination. I didn’t realize how much it affected your father until it was too late.
And if your grandfather had been alive, he wouldn’t have allowed me to take you in, but you know what I would have done? ”
“What?”
“Dumped his ass.” She makes a tutting noise. “Divorced, right away. Right after I had gotten you out of there.”
The second the words are out there, I lose the last bit of control I have. My emotions that were wrangled up in a tight bow come unraveled, and a tiny sob escapes my throat.
“You are an amazing person, Samson. There isn’t a universe out there where I wouldn’t have taken you in. And no matter what, I am so glad I got a second chance at raising a child. My first one didn’t turn out too good.”
Another laugh escapes me. “Yeah, I try not to think about him too much.”
“As you shouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve it. You are a dream in comparison.” She huffs out a sad sigh. “And I’m sorry.”
My brow furrows. “What? Nana, no—”
“Now, please let me say this, because I should have said it a long time ago.” I flatten my lips, and when she realizes I won’t interrupt her, she continues.
“If I realized how your grandfather’s ideals would rub off on your father.
If I had done something sooner, you would never have had to experience what you did.
They would have never put you through that. So, I’m sorry.”
I’m taken aback. “You don’t have to apologize.”
“Yes, I do. Life is about balance, Samson, and I accidentally tipped the scales. I didn’t do enough, and now you’re running yourself ragged to make up for my mistake. I am sorry for that and for never apologizing for it before. You are amazing. You do not have to be perfect.”
The realization hits me so hard that tears sting behind my eyes. My need for perfection, my insistence on doing everything I can despite the exhaustion it brings. It all makes sense now. I can hear the sincerity in her voice, feel it deeply, so I finally bow my head. “You’re forgiven, Nana.”
She exhales with relief. “Quit your internship, take that offer, and go home to your pack.”
“I will,” I said. “I love you.”
Walking into the firm is a lot less nerve-wracking than I thought. The second my foot enters the building, there’s a relief when I realize it’s the last time I’ll be doing so, and I’m sure it reflects in my scent as I march through the barren halls.
Gregory’s office is messy, as always. It always set my teeth on edge, but now it just reassures me of my decision. When he sees me, his fake smile appears.
“Sam, my boy! I thought you were working with Timothy today.”
I shake my head. “I actually won’t be working at all today.”
“Oh?” he asks, his brow furrowing. “I don’t know how that’s possible. We have a lot of inventory that needs transferring today.”
“Timothy will have to do it by himself,” I state, standing firmly in place.
“Yes, but I thought both interns would be doing it. That’s your main job, anyway.”
I barely hide my scoff. “I seem to have a lot of jobs here. Tasks that I’m not even supposed to have.”
My comment throws him off guard. “Is everything okay, Sammy?”
“My name is Sam. And I quit.”
Silence falls over us then. He blinks at me, the words processing in slow motion. Then he chuckles. “Okay, understood. Do you want time off? I can make that happen. If you need more time with your pack, we can lessen your case load. Just tell me what you need so we can move on.”
Heat rises on my skin at the disrespect, but I take a deep breath to push it away before shaking my head. “No, thank you. I no longer want to be an intern at this firm. Please terminate my position.”
The amusement falls off his face. “Where is this coming from, Sam? You know you need experience to work after graduation. It’s not like a new internship just fell out of the sky and landed in your lap.”
My lips curve up. “Actually, I already have somewhere to go.”
His expression is incredulous. “Where? Don’t you tell me…”
“Let’s just say it’s a firm that better aligns with my interests,” I tell him, keeping it vague.
“You’ve seen many of our cases, Sam. You were privy to very sensitive information. You can not just leave.”