Chapter 24
Chapter twenty-four
Isla
‘Keep your chin up.’ Elizabeth instructs, no nonsense.
She’s been even more agitated today and that’s a pretty impressive achievement considering she’s usually a storm cloud anyway.
I deflect her punch and jab at her stomach.
She grunts but I know this one isn’t in annoyance, it’s in approval.
Liz agreed to keep training with me after I opened up about feeling useless.
A spark had ignited in me after my conversation with Vishrut a couple of weeks ago, and it reminded me I’m not some fragile thing.
I may be one hell of an anxious girl, but I might as well be an anxious badass who can defend herself.
I will never know what this world will throw at me.
All I will be able to control is how I react to it, and if it's anything like the past few years, it is more than likely going to contain some violence here and there.
No more moping around for me, I can do that after I’ve worked my body hard, preparing a better chance at my baby's future.
Liz advances on me, aiming for my face and I dodge again. The air whooshes as I feel the power her punch is packing, as it narrowly misses the side of my face.
‘What the fuck is going on here!’ A voice that belongs to the bane of my life shouts.
Heavy boots stomp my way and if I’m not careful I’ll lose my eyes in the back of my head if I roll them any harder.
‘Hello, big overbearing brother.’
‘What the fuck are you playing at, Isla?’
‘We’re training, fuck off and annoy Fauna.’
I’m pretty sure she’s hiding from him. The girls in love, there’s no doubt about that but I know my brother and I know my best friend.
He’s an obsessively overbearing asshole and she’s a bad bitch that likes to look after herself.
Watching the two of them figure out their dynamic has been entertaining to say the least, but somehow they fit perfectly together.
Right now, I could punch her because the whole point in me being happy for them is so that his focus is on her and not me.
‘Fauna is busy.’ Ruaridh grounds out like it pains him to even think about it.
I bark a laugh, ‘she’s outside the stadium, and you’re going crazy. Is that it?’
‘No.’
‘I can hear your teeth grinding,’ Liz chimes in.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be looking out for her,’ Ru jerks his chin my way. ‘Not beating her up.’
‘I am looking out for her,’ Liz scowls.
Damn, if looks could kill… Seriously, she is acting way more cranky than usual.
‘And how the fuck is punching her in the face doing that?’
‘I want to stay strong and training is helping.’ I push his chest, ‘so back the fuck off.’
‘Isla, I don’t —’
‘Ruaridh.’
My heart skips a beat at that voice, firm and assertive. The voice I’ve grown used to, the one I’d kept in my dreams and now the one I’ve gotten to hear for real these past few weeks.
Liam stands watching us, his muscled biceps bulging with his arms crossed in front of him. The warning glare aimed straight at my older brother is sinister and it’s kinda well… hot as fuck.
Ruaridh shoots him a scowl in return. I would pay to watch their conversation after this.
I sigh, folding my arms in front of me, matching Liam’s stance and look at my brother. ‘What is it?’
‘I wanted to… chat.’
‘Chat…’ He never wants to chat. Lecture, now that’s more his style these days. ‘Go ahead.’
He flicks a glance at Liz, and she turns and leaves, not needing to be asked.
‘Can we go somewhere more private?’
Oh god, he’s in serious mode now.
I nod, following after him, feeling anxiety lick up my spine.
What could be serious enough to make him want to speak to me in private?
Ru clears his throat as we approach the strawberry patch. ‘I wanted to check to see how you’re doing… you and erm… Liam seem to be talking more.’
Yeah, we’ve been doing a little more than talking, and every time has been in secret. Which for some reason has made it so much hotter.
Where is he going with this?
‘Yes…’ I answer.
I swear, if he’s about to try and give me some relationship advice, I will throat punch him.
‘Do you erm…’ he pulls on the neckline of his shirt. ‘Like him?’
‘Like him? What am I, in Primary school?’
‘Jesus Isla, I’m trying here.’
‘I don’t know,’ I drop my gaze to the floor.
Yes, I guess I like him. I mean, hello, all you have to look at is my swollen belly to know I at least liked the guy in some way to end up in this situation, but I don’t think that’s exactly what Ru is getting at.
‘What’s stopping you?’
I look up, surprised by his observation.
‘I’ve known you your whole life, remember.’ Ru smirks cocking a dark eyebrow and looking far too much like a distant memory.
‘You know you look so much like dad right now.’
His dark hair, shorter on the sides than the top, frames his harsh features and sharp jawline. His eyes are a darker green than mine and dad’s but apart from that he’s his double. Well, that and the hundreds of tattoos he has.
‘And I’m trying to do him proud right now and be there for my baby sister.’
‘Nice guilt trip.’ I snark because I really don’t want to dig deep into my issues with emotional intimacy right now.
Ruaridh just arches a brow not engaging with me, and I sigh.
‘I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to get my hopes up for it to turn out shit.’
‘Why would it turn out shit?’
‘It always does.’
Ru and Vish left me alone, and then, when I thought I’d finally found someone who made me happy, she disappointed me too.
‘Talk to me, Isla. Please.’ Ruaridh implores, big green eyes looking like they want to hold all my worries. Argh annoying big brothers and their caring mentality.
‘I liked someone and they did what everyone always does.’
‘Which is?’
‘Leave.’
‘Isla…’ Ru reaches for me but I shift away.
‘I know you didn’t mean to. Vish told me what happened that night, and honestly?
’ A tightness forms in my chest. ‘I knew you’d never leave me like that so I assumed you were dead.
But then I resented you even more because either way you’d left me all alone in this world.
Deep down I knew the truth but all these years I’ve been filled with so much hatred because if I didn’t seep into the hatred then I’d fall into… ’
Big arms wrap around me and I let them this time, falling into the embrace of my big brother. He knows, I don’t have to say it because he knows, so does everyone else in this stadium. We have all felt the bottomless pit of fear. It is the only constant left in this fucked up world.
‘I’m sorry for hating you.’ I admit.
‘You don’t need to apologise. I get it.’ Ru holds my shoulders, his voice gentle as he speaks.
‘I embraced that darkness these past years too. If you hating me kept you alive, then I’m glad for it.
And believe me I know how fucking stubborn you can be and,’ he whistles.
‘When you’re angry, no ones getting in your way. ’
I laugh with him, us both remembering my teenage outbursts.
‘What happened with the person you liked?’
‘Stephanie?’
He nods, ‘Fauna accidentally mentioned her, but told me to mind my own business whenever I’ve tried to get anything else out of her.’
That’s my best friend. Always got my back, even when it comes to keeping secrets from her man.
I nibble on my bottom lip, contemplating where to start with explaining an incredibly underwhelming story.
‘She was a nurse at the camp. Funny and caring.’ I laugh, surprised I didn’t see the similarities sooner. ‘A lot like Liam in that sense. We got to know each other and I started to like her more and more…’
‘So you’re bisexual?’ He asks hesitantly.
‘Yes? Maybe? I mean, I’m not really sure. I’ve never tried to categorise it — never felt the need to. I just like who I like… Maybe more personality-based. If that makes sense?’
‘Yes, it makes sense.’ Ru smiles. ‘So… what happened?’
I sigh, twisting my hands together. ‘Nothing. She just stopped speaking to me. Then I found out she transferred to a different camp. No one even knew about us anyway. I’d asked some people I thought were her friends and they’d said she’d known about the transfer for weeks.
’ My nose tingles with embarrassment and unshed tears.
‘She left and never came back, just like…’
I stop myself before I can finish that thought. I’m such a stupid, selfish girl.
‘Just like everyone else?’ Ru finishes for me, silent understanding written in his features.
Not able to hold his gaze, I look at my hands like a coward.
This is why I prefer not to speak. My thoughts are selfish and I’m well aware how irrational they are too. How can I even begin to explain why my head has rationalised my parents leaving and never coming back as abandoning me?
What type of self-centred bitch does that? Everyone has suffered loss like me. It’s not their fault a deadly virus killed most of the population.
‘You were young, Isla. And you went through so much.’ Ru says, nudging my arm.
I look at him, a tear escaping my lashes. ‘So was everyone.’
He smiles sadly, ‘And everyone has a right to their own baggage. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have your own.’
‘What if this is all too good to be true?’ I look around at the stadium.
It’s beautiful, a pocket of hope in such a grey world. Inside these walls, everything is brimming with life. The bleating of lambs, the shuffling of people picking crops, and the random piles of glitter scattered around the place. It’s all so magical, too good to be real.
Everyone is so happy here. Well, in their own ways they are. Most people are halfway to crazy or constantly pissed off, but at least no one is murdering each other, or worse.
‘Then we deal with that issue when it comes to it.’ Ru looks across the stadium and I follow his gaze, finding Liam entertaining a hyperactive group of kids. ‘But we need to learn to enjoy the good things when they’re here instead of worrying how long they’ll last.’
‘And when he finally leaves?’
‘I know him better than anyone, Isla. That man has been obsessively looking for you since the day you met. Through snowstorms, gang wars, you name it. He has scoured every square metre from here to that abandoned building he first saw you in. Trust me you’re not getting rid of that man.
’ My brother chuckles, ‘fuck he might even be as stubborn as you.’
Ru grips my hand in his. The rough skin of his calluses scratching against my scars.
At first I was insecure about them, still being in the teenage mindset of beauty means flawlessness and that was all that was important in the world.
But then it quickly became obvious to me that all of that was a facade we had convinced ourselves of amongst the boredom of the world.
Beauty means nothing when your entire focus is fixed on survival. It has no true value in this world anymore.
I still feel the pain from my wounds sometimes. The memory of it is the worst. How I would lie there in the back of the medical tent, hands wrapped up and cry into my pillow. I’d never felt so alone and scared in my life.
Then, much to my dismay, a pair of wide brown eyes popped up from the bottom of my bunk and asked what all the racket was about. Little did I know that the innocent-looking, bad-mouthed girl would become my best friend.
I’ve felt the same anxieties over losing Fauna over the years, but she's like a boomerang. No matter where she goes, what obstacles she finds on the way, she has always come back. Every single time.
It took Liam months to find me, but at least he did. Right?
‘But what if something bad happens again?’ I ask Ruaridh, voicing my worries. What if he leaves me too?
‘Then we will find him,’ Ruaridh jumps up holding out his hand for me to take. ‘Even if that means crawling through hell to go fetch the big bastard.’