Chapter 34
Chapter thirty-four
Liam
‘Never have I ever fucked a guy in a mask!’
Somehow I have ended up sat amongst the strangest bunch of people who are trying to mingle and have a party. Isla had cornered me, and of course, I had no choice but to do whatever my girl demanded.
So here I am sitting in a circle playing never have I ever with a bunch of drunk fools. Not to mention how fucking awkward they still are at socialising.
I can’t decide which is worse — them refusing to make eye contact at the start or whatever this is now.
‘Fauna, Isla,’ the one with pink hair points, ‘drunk!’ Her eyebrows furrow as she tries to figure out what was wrong with what she just said. Then, as if a lightbulb moment, she raises her glass, clearing her throat. ‘Drink!’
And because they are both in good spirits they do. Isla, of course, is drinking whatever non-alcoholic concoction Pam made up whilst Fauna polishes off her bottle of Buckfast.
The group have made their way through a few bottles of booze in a worryingly short space of time. Their inability to socialise like normal human beings is probably one of the reasons.
A bright, toothy smile shines from the one I’ve come to know as being called Clover, who waves her half-empty bottle of MD 20/20 in the air, grabbing everyone's attention.
‘Never have I ever… wanted to fuck a guy in a mask.’ The long emphasis on the wanted part is not subtle at all.
But fair enough to the girl. Who am I to judge?
The others in their group seem to have a similar mindset, hooting and hollering as each takes a drink.
Wild. They’re all fucking wild. Including the beautiful woman sat in my lap, giggling away as she watches the lad's eyes bug out like it's Christmas.
‘This is going to be interesting,’ I whisper into Isla’s ear.
‘They’re not going to know what hit them.’
She’s not wrong there. A few drinks and this group has turned into a pack of lionesses on the prowl for something to… I'm not sure what they're looking to do, but by their not-so-subtle glances, they aren’t discreet about whatever it is. And it certainly doesn’t look innocent, that’s for sure.
‘I thought you said they were shy and that’s why they’ve been locking themselves away all this time.’
Isla looks back at me, her cheeks flushed from all of the laughing. ‘They were but once they get warmed up they are something else.’ She grins and it looks borderline feral. ‘They haven’t survived this long by being little kittens.’
‘They’re definitely not kittens, that’s for sure.’ I nod towards where one of them is talking to Finn and Conall. Their bodies towering over her.
‘She looks like she’s living the dream.’ Fauna slurs beside us, following our gaze.
‘You want to say that again, little deer?’ Ruaridh wraps his arms around her as he lifts her off the ground.
Isla leans back into my chest, snuggling in, and I adjust the blanket around her legs.
‘My old eyes can’t take much more of this.’ Pam howls with laughter from where she and Sam are perched sharing a bottle of brandy.
Thankfully, all of the kids have long since gone to bed — each of them had crashed out after filling their bellies — or else I think there would be a few scoldings and embarrassed faces.
‘Don’t act like you weren’t once a baddie Pam!’ Fauna hiccups. ‘I bet you had guys worshipping the ground you walk—’ Another hiccup cuts her off, but her meaning is clear.
And I'm officially grossed out. I did not have hearing about Pam’s sex life on my list of things to do tonight.
‘Ah, yes child. I was quite the flower back then.’ Pam looks off into the distance as if seeing her memories there. ‘Bill had to fight off quite a few competitors for my hand. I didn’t make it easy for him.’
‘I should have made you work harder,’ Isla nudges me and I tickle her gently.
‘Is that right, princess?’
She squirms in my lap and the motion sends a lick of arousal down my spine.
‘Will you both stop dry humping for a second. Shesh there’s no wonder you’re pregnant.’
We freeze, both our mouths dropping wide open as we gape at Pam.
Unphased she shrugs. ‘You are not in the slightest bit discreet you know. Those cupboard doors aren’t soundproof. And even if they were I’m pretty sure we’d be able to—’
‘Lalalala.’ Ruaridh starts singing and making a general racket as he covers his ears to sound out whatever Pam was about to say.
The others howl with laughter. Some go as far as to roll around on the grass holding their stomachs as their bodies shake with amusement at our expense.
I lock my jaw.
‘Don’t get me started on the two of you.’ Pam sets her sights on my best friend now. ‘She’s going to be next if you don’t stop it. You’re like fucking bunnies. I can’t get a minute's peace in this god forsaken place.’
It’s my turn to howl with laughter as Isla groans, her turn to cover her ears.
‘Don’t worry, Pam, we’re being sensible.’ Fauna nods her head as if that is logically possible in the apocalypse.
Noticing our confused expressions, Fauna continues. ‘He pulls out, durr.’
Crickets. That’s what we’d hear if we had any around here because no one has anything to say to that.
Actually, I’m sure each of us has plenty to say to that, but we're weighing up whether we want to burst her happy little bubble or not.
I’m half considering if I should take one for the team, but as Pam straightens, letting out a long exhale that sounds very much like she is fed up with all of our shit, she takes the mantle for this one and gives Fauna the birds and the bees two-point-o talk.
‘What do you mean you can get pregnant from precum?’ She squeaks, and it’s Isla’s turn to bark out a laugh this time as the other women look like they’ve been told the worst news since the virus started.
‘See! You all thought I was the idiot for getting a bun in the oven but you lot don’t even know basic sex ed.’
‘My sex ed was about periods, not cum!’ Eloise shouts and a few others nod their heads in agreement.
‘But… but…’ Fauna stutters and I’d feel sorry for her if this whole situation wasn’t so hilarious.
Pam looks to the heavens, muttering under her breath as she stands, walking over to a somewhat shaken-looking Fauna.
She places a motherly hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m afraid precum is very much a thing. We’ll have a chat in the morning, alright love.’
Fauna nods, her face having drained of colour. Ruaridh the bastard doesn’t look the least bit phased by all of this. Actually, he looks as if he’s debating if he’d like the idea of getting his girl pregnant.
Fucking psychopath.
‘Way to kill the mood, Fauna.’ Luna grumbles as she twists at her bottle.
‘Joke's on you because I got my period this morning.’ Fauna answers, bouncing back like she didn’t just let the entire group think she was on the verge of a pregnancy scare.
This group of women are nothing but a big line of whiplash, each one readying themselves to take the next one's place after they’d announced some life-changing secret.
‘Your friends are crazy, baby.’
Wrapping my arms around Isla I breath her in, wholly content with my slice of crazy.