Chapter 11 #2
‘There have been times when I’ve agreed with her.
I did a botch job of hemming those trousers.
Trying to chat about periods was so excruciating Edith made me promise to let her do “the talk” with Bonnie when it’s her turn.
Learning what each of them needs, what makes them feel safe and special – something Tilly knew instinctively – has been a steep learning curve, but we’re getting there.
And at least Edith and Jordan are old enough to remember their mum was human like the rest of us. ’
‘Well, I can’t wait to meet them tomorrow,’ I said, purposefully changing the subject. I loved listening to Will; he could have been a Winning at Life expert. However, the concept of parents wanting to make their kids feel safe and special made my heart ache and I didn’t want to start crying.
‘Yeah. I happen to think they’re the best three human beings on earth, so I’m looking forward to everyone meeting them too.
’ Will paused. ‘Looking forward, while also breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of what they might get up to. Moving the time to after school so the girls could join in felt like a good idea until I remembered what they can be like.’
‘Last time I saw my nephews, who I adore by the way, Lennon asked how come I’m rich and famous and still no one wants to marry me. Harley got so wound up because I wouldn’t let him shave my hair with his grandad’s clippers, he vomited. I’m sure I’m going to love your kids.’
By the time Ernest and I completed the walk to Will’s house a perfectly polite ten minutes after the four o’clock start, we found everyone else already there.
I didn’t want to be that person who always brought their dog along as a plus-one, but Will’s kids had begged him to ask me.
He lived on the outskirts of Bigley in a large, red-brick cottage with gabled windows, tall chimneys and a dove-grey door.
Joel let me in and ushered me through a flagstone hallway into a spacious living room, where the rest of the Friends were gathered on sofas and giant armchairs.
Ignoring the enthusiastic greetings, Ernest immediately settled down in front of the log fire with a contented sigh.
‘Ooh, it’s Alex!’ Lola, who I recognised from the videos she’d been posting on the group chat, jumped up and came to give me a hug.
I’d not been entirely sure what to wear to an afternoon arty party, but her jade-green velvet miniskirt and slouchy black top made my tweedy trousers and soft, taupe cardigan seem about right.
‘You look different in real life,’ she said, stepping back to look me up and down with one eye narrowed.
I braced myself. While usually not bothered by the comparison between TV-styled and real-life Alex, and aware that Broken Alex had sunk to a whole different level of ‘not bothered’, I had actually made some effort today, putting on a bit of make-up and blow-drying my hair.
I had foolishly cared about making a better impression than the first, wind-swept, rain-drenched time I’d met the group.
‘Relaxed!’ Lola grinned. ‘That’s what it is. Is it being on camera that makes you more reserved, or have you chilled out since getting fired?’
‘Definitely the second one,’ I said, smiling back as I decided to reciprocate her refreshing frankness.
‘The Alex on TV was the real me, but it turns out losing your job, business, boyfriend and any sort of credibility can change a person. I’m still getting to know the new version, but so far more relaxed and chilled out is featuring heavily. ’
‘I love that for you,’ Lola pronounced. ‘Please sit next to me. I’d like to get to know the new Alex, too.’
‘Where’s Will?’ I asked, trying to sound as if I’d only just noticed his absence rather than the second I’d walked in.
‘He wanted to postpone refreshments until after we’d finished making the decorations, but Merry was scandalised at her cups of tea being rationed, so he’s gone to make drinks.’
‘Oh perfect. I’ll go and put my order in, then,’ I said. ‘We’ve walked over, so I could do with something to warm me up.’
‘I’m sure Will would be happy to oblige,’ Lola said, giving a wink that made me scuttle out of the room without asking where the kitchen was.
I quickly found it, and him, and a little girl carefully lining up mugs on a granite worktop.
‘Hi,’ I said. ‘You must be Bonnie. I’m Alex, lovely to meet you.’
‘I know who you are because Jordan showed me the video where someone did a funny voice over your speech. And the one where you’re in the spaceship, and then the one with the man with yellow hair in it too.’
‘Bonnie,’ Will interrupted firmly.
‘Oh, yes, and I’m lovely to meet you too. I didn’t meet a person on the telly before. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?’
‘Yes, please. Whatever’s easiest. Great outfit, by the way.’
‘Thank you. Elephants are my favourite.’ Bonnie wore a grey, velvety onesie and had an elephant mask on the top of her head, squashing down her halo of frizzy hair, the trunk dangling in front of her face.
‘They have the longest trunk in all the animals, only I’m not allowed one that long because then it gets dirty and I trip over it and things like that. ’
‘Yes, that makes sense. Elephants are big so a longer trunk doesn’t get in the way as much.’
‘Maybe when I’m bigger, then, like Edith?’ She looked up at her daddy, eyes wide with hope.
‘Absolutely,’ Will said. ‘Here, you take in the sugar for me, please.’
Bonnie stretched up to the worktop to take a cute little bowl that matched the gorgeous country-style kitchen.
The room had the same flagstone floor as the hallway, exposed beams running across the ceiling, an Aga, lots of open shelving and other rustic features interspersed with children’s artwork, muddy wellies and all the other clutter that is part of family life.
Holding the bowl carefully, Bonnie turned back to me, her forehead creased in concentration. ‘If you were an elephant, what type would you be?’
‘Um…’ This felt like an important question, but how many types of elephant were there?
‘I think an African forest elephant,’ she said, with a decisive nod. ‘Did you even know that African forest elephants are the smallest but still weigh up to four tonnes with really big ears and they have the wrinkliest skin?’
‘Off you go, then,’ Will said, interrupting her again.
She responded with a comical sigh, the trunk wafting up in front of her, before walking out of the kitchen while saying in a silly voice, ‘Thanks to everyone who voted for helping me realise that I am, in fact, utterly losing at life!’
‘Bonnie!’ Will barked.
‘It’s fine,’ I said, bursting out laughing because it was fine. I was fine. Or, at least, I would be. ‘How about you?’ I asked, noticing his face looked tight. ‘Are you fine?’
Will sighed, pouring hot water into a cast-iron teapot. ‘Edith should have been home almost an hour ago.’
‘Is it unusual for her to be late? I mean, how worried should you be?’
He turned around, folding his arms as he leant back against the worktop.
‘That’s the whole point. She’s trying to make me worried.
If she keeps being late, or not where she’s supposed to be, and I’m stuck here worrying, I’ll give in and get her a phone so she can let me know the whole class had a last-minute detention, or she had to go and look for her lost PE kit, or was with her friend who fell over and hurt herself, or whatever excuse it’s going to be today. ’
‘Ah.’ I picked up the pot and gave it a swirl before pouring the first mug. ‘I presume she’s tried simply asking for one?’
‘Only about a billion times. She is apparently the only person in year eight – evaaaaaa – to exist without a phone. I’ve offered her an old-school brick phone, so she can text me and her friends, but if I knew anything, I’d know that was even more embarrassing than no phone at all.
We have a family laptop for homework and looking up things on the internet, but no social media because she’s twelve.
I don’t care if she’s the only one – which I know she isn’t, because I’ve spoken to other parents about it – I’m not throwing my daughter into the internet cesspit. Not for a few years yet.’
‘Does Jordan have one?’
Will nodded. ‘He got it when he was fourteen, and half the time I wish I’d held off even longer. Even if he’s using it safely, it’s still an electronic black hole, sucking away time and focus at the speed of light.’
‘I turned mine off the weekend after the speech, and it was like emerging from an underground labyrinth into a mountain meadow. Now, I mostly leave my phone in my bag. I’m determined not to let it start lording over me again. What are you going to do about Edith, though?’
Will shook his head in exasperation as he poured milk into a jug. ‘I’ve no idea. A few of us have emailed school asking for a complete ban, but I don’t think that will help.’ He glanced at me. ‘Any advice from the celebrity life-expert gratefully received.’
‘I’d print her out some of the articles explaining what phones are doing to children. Even better, tell her to research it herself, come up with a scientifically based, factual report on why your reasoning is wrong. She sounds smart enough to come to the right conclusion herself.’
‘That could work.’ Will gave a thoughtful nod before perking up. ‘In the meantime, we’ve got an arty party to enjoy.’