Chapter 23
After a quick detour to collect Ernest, I stayed at Will’s for fish and chips and How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
I was still debating whether to tell Will about Get Yourself a Real-Life Girlfriend when Bonnie tossed another grenade into the mix. She was snuggled up against me on the sofa, eyes half-closed, Not Elephant Shrew tucked against her chest.
‘Alex?’
‘Yes?’
‘I had a really nice day, today.’
‘That’s wonderful. Me too.’
‘Daddy doesn’t get all aargh when you’re there.’ As she said ‘aargh’, she clenched her fists and screwed up her face so hard it shook with tension.
‘Excuse me?’ Will leant forwards in his armchair to look at her.
‘You do do that,’ Jordan said, eyes still on the film as he smirked.
‘Or, more like this,’ Edith said, before standing up and gripping her hair, eyes shut as she produced a strangled groan.
‘You should come out with us more often.’ Jordan laughed. ‘It’s good for Dad’s mental health.’
‘Oh, I have the best idea!’ Bonnie said, sitting up and twisting around to look at me.
‘You could be Daddy’s girlfriend. Did you know, Alex, our mummy died, so Daddy has to take care of us and do everything else all by himself, but Hattie’s mummy was the same only now she has Uncle James – he’s her boyfriend – and he takes them to the zoo and buys Hattie a Squishmallow and they went out for ice cream and everything else.
If you were Daddy’s girlfriend, you could read us stories and help make new decorations and come ice-skating and we could have lots more fun. Please, Alex? Please?’
Aside from the unhelpfully emotional soundtrack, the room had fallen impossibly silent considering it contained three children.
Will stared at us, face stricken. Jordan looked as if he’d swallowed a bug.
‘Bruh,’ Edith whispered.
Yes, please! my previously stone-cold, self-reliant, brittle heart squeaked.
I’d spent a lifetime shutting everyone out, even loving my family from a distance. Two weeks with this family and I no longer recognised myself.
‘No one should be alone on Christmas,’ the little girl in the film told the Grinch.
‘Bonnie, that’s not an okay thing to ask someone,’ Will said, his voice strained.
‘Why not?’ she replied, pouting. ‘It’s a nice thing to ask.’
‘Firstly, because that would be my question to ask, not yours. Secondly, it’s hard for Alex to say no without making you upset. Thirdly…’
‘If she says yes, then I won’t be upset.’
‘Thirdly, because Dad doesn’t want a girlfriend,’ Edith said, loudly. ‘He promised that him and Alex aren’t getting together. Didn’t you, Dad?’
Bonnie furrowed her little brow. ‘What does getting together mean?’
‘Right, Bonnie, we’re finishing this conversation upstairs.’ Will quickly stood up. ‘Edith, Jordan, don’t you have homework to do or presents to wrap or something?’
‘A film to watch?’ Jordan said, slouching lower in his chair as Bonnie slowly slid off the sofa until her bottom hit the floor.
‘It’d be rude not to let us see how it ends.’ Edith grabbed a handful of Maltesers from the box on the coffee table. ‘Alex, you’d better stay until Dad comes back so he can apologise yet again for his children’s embarrassing behaviour.’
‘Come on,’ Will said to Bonnie, his tone leaving no room for arguments.
We watched the Grinch’s happy ending in silence. It was only as the final credits rolled and the older two hauled themselves up from the sofa that Edith threw out, ‘It’s not as if you’d be interested in Dad anyway, is it?’
She glanced at me, making a show of appearing casual, but her shoulders were hunched with tension.
‘Like anyone would want to get together with a family like this,’ Jordan mumbled as they disappeared through the door. ‘I don’t think we’ve anything to worry about.’
Whew.
Those kids were a lot.
When Will came down the stairs, he found me in the hallway putting my shoes on.
‘I’m so sorry about Bonnie.’ He kept his voice soft. ‘You don’t have to go.’
‘It’s not just that.’ I followed him into the living room so I could explain about the girlfriend book and other comments, but I didn’t sit down.
‘I’ll talk to the others again,’ Will said. ‘They know Bonnie didn’t understand what she was saying.’
‘I know that, too,’ I said, my throat aching.
‘And she can’t remember her mum, so her feelings of loyalty are different. Stay for a drink.’
‘It’s best if I go.’
‘Why?’
I forced myself to look at him. I couldn’t read his expression, a sharp reminder that I’d only known this man for a matter of weeks.
‘I don’t want one of them to come downstairs and find me still here. It would be too much.’
Will’s voice dropped. ‘I decide what’s too much for my children.’
I took a deep breath. ‘Yes. I’m sorry. My head is a jumbled mess right now.’
‘I know what they can handle. You don’t need to worry about that.’
I nodded.
‘Please stay for a coffee. I don’t want to end such a positive day agonising that we’ve scared you off.’
I stayed. Mostly to show Will I trusted him when it came to his children. Besides, I’d only have fretted all evening if I’d gone home.
After a few minutes talking about nothing much, Will sighed. ‘I can’t blame the kids for being suspicious. They’re bound to have noticed.’
‘Noticed what?’
He glanced at me from the other end of the sofa. ‘How well you fit with us. How natural it is.’
He paused for a few seconds.
‘That their dad might be falling in love with you.’
What?!
I swore, dropping my mug. Thankfully there were only a few drops of coffee left.
Will grabbed a tissue and handed it to me, rescuing the mug. He waited while I dabbed at the damp spot on my jumper before speaking softly.
‘Not quite the reaction a man dreams of getting. Do the kids need to buy me that book after all?’
I opened my mouth and closed it again. Swiped at the hair spilling across my face. Pressed one hand to my thundering chest. Looked anywhere but at him.
‘Sorry… I didn’t mean… No one… no one has said anything like that to me before,’ I mumbled.
As always, managing to meet Will’s gaze took the edge off my panic. He carefully took hold of my hand. It was like clutching onto a lifeline, allowing me to breathe again.
‘Apart from my sister and her kids, a school friend, nobody has ever told me they love me. I mean, I know you said “might” be starting to fall. Like, maybe, one day. Still not—’
‘I’m falling in love with you, Alex.’
I gasped so hard it sounded like those scenes on television when someone comes back from the dead.
Because that’s basically what it was, I realised. My heart had finally been shocked to life.
‘I know it’s far too soon. We met like a month ago.
There’s so much we still don’t know. Two days ago we admitted we liked each other.
But we also promised to be honest if our feelings changed.
Spending the day with you today – well, it was seeing you helping Bonnie skate with that plastic penguin.
How you shielded her from those lads whizzing round like maniacs, patiently showed her what to do, then let her try herself while staying close enough to be there if she needed you…
There was this moment when she glanced at you, so proud of herself, and you grinned back.
That was it. I’m sorry. It’s probably the worst thing to say after Bonnie has just freaked the others out with the girlfriend suggestion.
We still need to take things super slowly, keep reassessing and talking and there is so much to figure out… but, well, I’ve said it now.’
He handed me another tissue as the tears spilled over, then took one for himself.
‘Meeting you has made me realise how lonely I’ve been. But the whole time, I think I was simply missing you.’
I cleared my throat, knowing I had to say something. When I managed to speak, it was slow and shaky. I wasn’t afraid of saying anything to Will, but the truth only became apparent as the words stumbled out.
‘If you’d asked me before, I’d have told you I can only guess what falling in love feels like.
Of course I love my family, but that is all tangled up with hurt and anger and grief.
I’m familiar enough with attraction, and the intensity of infatuation, but if you asked me now, what falling in love is like?
The difference between loving someone and being in love with them, I’d know instantly.
It’s you. This whole thing is thrilling, and petrifying, but at the same time, I have this peace with you. We simply seem to fit.’
Will flopped his head back against the sofa. ‘Whew. For a second there I thought I’d sent you running for the hills.’
‘I’m not planning on running anywhere.’ I gripped onto his hand. ‘But nothing has changed, has it? Apart from we know Bonnie likes the idea of us being more than friends.’
In the end, we spoke for a long time that evening.
About the here and now, and how we would carry on as we were, letting everyone get to know each other better in the hope that, in time, Edith and Jordan might not hate the idea, either.
About the past – our stories, the people and circumstances that shaped us, our regrets and our triumphs.
What we’d learned, and learned to let go of. The possibility of a shared future.
I went back home with my thoughts unjumbled, head clear, brimming with joy, dreams of love and a life I never thought possible.