Chapter 32
After getting home around midnight, taking a quick shower to wash off the toxic whiff of home, I endured my worst night’s sleep in a very long time.
I did a pathetic job of following my own advice, agonising about what the next few days, weeks and years might bring.
The countless scenarios in my head churned up a fear that spread through my bloodstream like venom.
My plan to doze in bed most of the morning was then rudely interrupted by the doorbell. Who on earth turned up unannounced at ten-thirty on Christmas Day?
I burrowed further under the duvet, ignoring Ernest scratching at the bedroom door in his eagerness to welcome a visitor.
When a second ring caused Ernest to start barking, jumping on the bed and tugging the duvet back, I made the effort to check the doorbell camera on my phone while assuring my dog that if it was Trudy Barnes, we weren’t answering.
Seeing the image on the screen, I sat straight up in bed.
Two older children, looking hopeful. A much smaller child twirling her trunk in one hand as she bounced up and down.
Their dad, a combination of nervous and apologetic.
I threw a jumper on over my pyjamas, pointlessly patting at my morning hair as I raced down two flights of stairs.
‘Hi,’ I said, breathless by the time I flung open the door, Ernest immediately squeezing past me and straight into Edith’s arms.
‘Did we wake you?’ Will said, wincing. ‘Sorry. I would have called, but the kids really wanted it to be a surprise.’
‘No, Daddy, that’s not true.’ Bonnie pulled up the elephant mask to reveal her frown. ‘He said if he asked, then you might say no, and if we just turned up, then you’d have to let us in at least for a minute.’
‘Oh, did he?’ I raised my eyebrows at Will. ‘So, it was your idea to interrupt my serene solo Christmas?’
‘It was all our ideas,’ Jordan said. ‘Dad told us you were on your own today, so we decided to come and cheer you up.’
‘That’s very kind of you, but I actually enjoy Christmas by myself. You don’t need to worry about trying to cheer me up.’
Edith gave me an assessing stare, still cuddling Ernest. ‘Really? Have you looked in the mirror lately?’
I glanced at the hexagonal mirror that the interior designer had put up in my hallway, because she wrongly assumed I was a woman who wanted to check my appearance before I left the house.
Ouch!
My morning hair belonged in a horror movie. Twin streaks of yesterday’s mascara ran down each cheek and dark rings encircled my haunted eyes.
I looked like a woman who had experienced either a magnificent night or a terrible one.
‘We brought your present,’ Jordan said. ‘We don’t have to stay long.’
‘But can we stay long, though?’ Bonnie asked. ‘Your house is cool and I really missed Ernest.’
I waited for Will to step in, to gently explain that they’d clearly interrupted me and would only stay a few minutes, but he simply stood there, looking at me, his eyes inscrutable and jaw set in the same way it did when his children were being particularly belligerent.
‘Um. I suppose you can come in for a bit. I need a minute to get dressed and give Ernest his breakfast.’
‘Yessss!’ Bonnie said, rushing in and straight past me up the stairs.
‘I’ll feed Ernest,’ Edith declared, following her sister. ‘You’ll need a lot longer than a minute.’
I waited until Jordan had also started up the stairs before finally daring to look properly at Will.
‘What is this?’ I asked. ‘I thought we agreed this wasn’t happening any more.’
He met my gaze head-on. ‘I couldn’t leave things like that.
Have that be the last things we said to each other.
Then I started thinking about that conversation we had about our dream Christmas and decided we might as well have one as-perfect-as-we-can-get-it day before you take on the biggest challenge of your life and I get on with nursing my shattered heart.
Besides, the kids were missing you. I was missing you.
So much I couldn’t even begin to fake a merry Christmas. We’ve had enough gloomy ones.’
‘You don’t think this will only make us all feel worse?’
Will blinked a few times, the desolation in his eyes rocking my soul.
‘This is me trying my hardest to seem reasonable and not embarrassingly lovesick. The truth is, nothing could make losing you seem worse right now, or feel sadder than the ordeal you and your family are going through. Let’s have one joyous day. Please?’
How could I say no?
To my shame, I hadn’t wrapped the walking boots I’d got Will, because I didn’t expect to be giving him them in person, if at all. He, however, had put the gift he’d made me in a gorgeous box.
Of course it was an epoxy resin gift. This was how Will showed his love to people. For me, it was a piece to hang on the wall, containing an orange slice fox, a tiny paper elephant, a coaster from the Crafty Poacher where the Bigley Boys performed, and what looked like the top of a tap.
‘It’s from the old bathroom at Tucker’s.’
I felt a flush of heat, remembering our first kiss. It was at that moment that Darya chose to announce ROMANTIC as the final Advent Challenge word.
I cried, and then he cried, to the point that Edith pretended to barf and grumbled, ‘Ugh, it would be less cringe if you just kissed each other or something.’
Bonnie told him about the plan to buy his present in Nottingham, and how brave Not Elephant Shrew had been, and Will feigned shock until his daughter glowed with pride.
We did almost everything on each of our lists.
Firstly, we made breakfast together – brunch for the kids, who had already eaten crumpets at home.
The pancake tossing competition had all of us shrieking with laughter, before deciding Edith won after hers got stuck on a shiny paper bauble hanging from the ceiling.
We walked Ernest, the children running and climbing and Will slipping his hand into mine whenever no one was looking.
We played Uno, Dobble and a game with silly noises while Will oversaw a very late lunch.
Getting dinner in sync was part of his dream Christmas, and he’d dealt with this by bringing lasagne with bread and salad, which no one objected to as they’d feasted on Tucker’s Christmas Eve Eve Friendship Dinner leftovers the day before.
While I cleared up, Will placed a few quiet fireworks at the far end of the garden as part of their moment to remember Tilly.
The children huddled together on the balcony, watching the colours whizzing into the heavens, and once Will had rejoined them, I brought out bowls of warm sticky toffee pudding, and they took a few moments to share about their mum.
As per the dream Christmas, nobody vomited, had a tantrum or ran off. I asked Will about video-calling Tilly’s parents, another tradition he usually dreaded, and he said he’d simply rearranged for Boxing Day instead.
By that time, it was evening. The kids snuggled under blankets and watched Home Alone while Will and I sat on either end of the small window seat in the kitchen and worked our way through the cheeseboard he’d brought.
We stuck to a small glass of wine each, because Will had to drive home and I knew a second glass would wash away all my resolve to end things between us.
The day had been so simple and ordinary, nothing fancy or dramatic. It was everything I’d been missing my whole life.
‘This has been the best day,’ I told Will as we heard the kids burst out laughing.
He smiled. ‘Our dream Christmases combined.’
‘No.’ I shook my head, causing his smile to fall away until I continued. ‘Not my best Christmas – I mean, it has been that, by miles. I meant this has been my best day, probably ever.’
Will looked down. ‘We could have a lot more of these days,’ he said, quietly. ‘It doesn’t have to be a one-off.’
I took his hand. ‘Things have got worse. My sister’s ex, the dealer, left a bag of presents on her doorstep for the kids yesterday. He gave Bronte a car.’
As Will whispered a curse, all the anxieties I’d been doing so well at compartmentalising in the Crandon section of my brain tumbled out – my fears if we stayed there, the impact on the kids if they had to leave, if Bronte refused to come.
He didn’t take his eyes off me, his jaw setting like granite, fingers gripping onto mine.
He didn’t try to make it better or come up with a random solution, as if Lacey and I hadn’t already considered every option. He didn’t belittle my distress or let his own frustration determine his response.
Instead, he simply put those arms that had grown to feel like home around me and listened.
‘I’m so sorry. This is horrible. Your sister must be a wreck.’
‘Yeah. I know she brought this upon herself, but she was a child when that monster ensnared her. That kind of abuse burrows in deep like a hookworm. Then her lousy ex-husband only exacerbated the trauma.’
‘And if she does go to prison, it’s all on you.’
I gave a fragile laugh. ‘Remember when you thought your family was a lot?’
The children began to stir as the film came to an end, and Will reluctantly sat back, letting me go.
‘I’ll always be here. I don’t care what time it is, day or night.
If you need to talk, I’m here. If you’re worried you or your family might not be safe, I will come.
Jordan can watch the kids, or if it’s late I’ll ask Donovan or one of the others.
Even if it’s just a bad feeling or an insignificant thing that might sound paranoid, I won’t care.
If you think it’s something, I’ll come.’
I started to interrupt, but he pressed on.
‘I know I’m no match for Tad Butcher, or his henchmen. I’m not going to ride in like a knight on my charger and expect to save the day. But I will be another pair of eyes and ears, and I’ll do whatever I can to help.’
‘I’m not dragging you into that mess, Will.’
‘You won’t be dragging me. I want to be there.’ He bent his head to look me right in the eyes. ‘Promise me.’
I shook my head, even as the tears spilled over. ‘No. I won’t,’ I whispered, hoarsely. ‘I love you too much for that. This is my world, not yours. I only told you any of it because I want you to know I’m ending things because there’s no other way.’
I stood up, wiping my face as Bonnie shouted that the film was done and could they watch Home Alone 2.
‘Time we left Alex home alone,’ Will called back. ‘Everyone get your stuff together.’
I found it almost impossible to get myself together as Will herded them down the stairs. I hugged each child, eyes tightly closed and trying not to squeeze them as if it was the last time.
When Bonnie looked at me, solemn eyes peeking through the holes in her elephant mask and said that ‘this has been the funnest, nicest, bestest day in my whole life’, the lump of grief lodged in my throat made it impossible to do anything apart from nod and force a wonky smile.
I nodded briskly at her dad, stepped back and practically pushed them out as I swung the door shut, holding my breath until I heard their footsteps crunch away. Sliding to the floor, I buried my head in my arms and disintegrated into a million pieces.
A defunct business, national humiliation, toxic parents, impending family disaster and decades of bone-wrenching loneliness hadn’t managed it, but a six-year-old girl had broken me.
This was why I should never have let them in. Bonnie had spent her entire life missing the mother she couldn’t remember. A random woman showing up and disappearing a few weeks later was small potatoes in comparison, but if my current state was anything to go by, it would wound them all the same.
I’d succeeded in crawling upstairs, onto the sofa and under a blanket when Lacey called.
‘What’s happened?’ I asked, chest tightening.
‘Nothing new. I chucked the toys in the church donation bin before the kids found them. Liv next door gave me a hundred quid for the iPads.’
‘What about the car?’
‘I left it on one of those side roads off Thorn Avenue. I couldn’t stand it sitting outside while I decided whether to tell Bronte. It felt like he was out there watching me.’
‘Well, I suppose it’s good he’s not contacted you.’
‘I can’t help thinking it’s only a matter of time. I reckon he’s waiting to see what happens on Tuesday. In the meantime, I’m freaking out because Bronte is with Zendon until tomorrow night, and I can’t protect her.’
‘Maybe it’s time to tell her everything.’
‘I know. I couldn’t do it on Christmas Day though, could I?’ Lacey sighed. ‘Anyway, how are you? Enjoyed your blissful day alone?’
And then I fell apart again, because for a couple of weeks, I hadn’t been alone, and it had been more blissful than I ever could have anticipated.
‘Oh Alex,’ Lacey groaned as, in between my sniffles and hiccups, I told her about Will. ‘I can’t believe you’ve finally gone and fallen in love. As if I’d not messed everything up enough already.’
‘Well, it was lovely while it lasted,’ I managed to squeak.
She was quiet for a long time.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Yeah. Me, too. We’ll get through it though. We’ve survived worse.’
‘Worse than prison?’
‘Exhibit A, the caravan. I think prison has a shower?’
‘Well, it doesn’t have our parents, I suppose.’
We laughed at that, so long and hard, I had to double over, wheezing to catch my breath. Another tick on the dream Christmas Day list.
We would get through it. We might end up battered and scarred for life. But we would survive.