One
One
GUNNER
?
Now
Hello Gunner, those two words had my world tilting on its axis. Meeting the children Savvy and I shared didn’t do that. Not even discovering the two-decade-old betrayal of the woman I shared most of my adult life with rocked me as hard as seeing the love of my life in my clubhouse. When my eyes connected with her honey-brown ones, my lungs seized. It took everything in me to remain seated when she walked into church. My hands itched to reach out and touch her to see if she was real. Svetlana Petrov, my Savvy, is different. Taking her in, I realized quickly by her interaction with our children she wasn’t the shy, unassuming woman she once was. She has a hardness, something I never thought I would see. Discovering who she became had regret consuming me, for weeks after my children arrived. My choices and decisions changed her and made her something else entirely, but I know deep down she is still the woman I’ve loved for two decades.
My ex-wife Beverly’s treachery was years in the making. Finding out that she intentionally got pregnant with Bull, our eldest son, to get out of her fucked up marriage contract was just the start. She was playing the long game, and our daughter, my daughter, was the prize. Beverly’s bullshit caused a chain of events that nearly led to losing Princess. The only good thing that came out of the shit show between my club and the Italian mafia is it brought Savvy and my children back to me.
Since shit went down, Princess hasn’t been the same. She’s been withdrawn from not just me but her brothers. I think it is more to do with the bullshit promises her mother and Marco made and the smoke they blew up her ass. I love my kid, but the shit she said to Bellamy about how I and the club treat her still fucks with me. It’s bullshit, but it still shocked me to think that’s what my daughter thought of me. There was a time when I blamed myself for how my daughter felt. I blamed myself for making her feel like I didn’t support her choices or her wanting to go to college. After a conversation with my VP and my boys, I understood. Princess”s words and actions were those of a child, not a woman working to make her own way. When I thought about it, it was the truth. Princess may be an MC princess, but her brothers and I have always sheltered and indulged her. We’ve always made excuses for her, cleaned up her messes, and never made her take responsibility for herself or her actions. After everything was said and done, I promised to let her experience the world she thinks she can navigate so easily. I won’t stand in her way. No more saving her from herself. She needs to live and learn, which is exactly what I will let her do.
A knock at my door draws my attention, pulling me from my thoughts. I should be getting work done. With all the shit that’s happened over the last few months, shit has been piling up. I haven’t been able to get shit for our businesses taken care of, and runs have been halted. My club brothers and their families like to be paid on time. I sigh, leaning back in the chair and stretching my neck. Wondering, not for the first time, if I should take a fucking vacation. If I am honest, I’m tied in knots. I don’t have the brainpower for the shit needing to get done. I don’t have it in me to analyze why I’m tied up in knots. Knowing that if I did, it would all come down to one person, one woman. I see her daily and watch her interact with our children and the club. There are moments I catch her in the right light. I see the old her, and it’s like she never left. Then, there are times I see the darkness in her. Times I know what our time apart has done to her. What I did to her, and more often than not, what I see in her eyes, makes me want to kick my own ass.
My Savvy is a fucking world-renowned assassin. Who she is now, what she is, is so far from the girl who wanted to live a simple life and be a fucking teacher. I can’t say; because of who her family is, she wouldn’t have been a part of this world, but I know my fuck up pushed her deeper than she probably would have gone otherwise. I drove her to decide to protect herself and our kids. Drove her to be who she is now known as… The Widow Maker.
Fuck.
Another knock sounds, and I yell out for whoever to enter. My brain can’t help but wonder back to the woman that holds my soul. As much shit as my brothers have been giving me about her, she has kept her distance and not for lack of me trying for more than she was giving. I knew when things settled down, I wanted to fix shit between us, for no other reason than we share two badass kids. My chest tightens when I think about them and what my choices turned their lives into. They say they love their lives, and I know they excel at their work. Like their mother, they are world-renowned. Yet, it is still hard for me to wrap my head around everything I know of them, knowing that there is far more about them and their family they aren’t telling me. That is a feeling that has had me unsettled for a while now. Something about how they move, act, and respond to things sometimes…
I cut my thoughts off when my VP Taz plops his big ass in a chair opposite mine. He doesn’t take his assessing eyes off of me. I chuckle at his discomfort. I always get a good laugh from the big fucker trying to fit into the chair. They were intentionally bought because they are uncomfortable as shit, and I don’t want fuckers getting too comfortable in my sanctum. Which is why he rarely sits in them. My lips twitch as I watch him twist and shift in the hard vinyl chair. He finally settled in, looking uncomfortable for this impromptu meeting. His eyes regard me with a look that has me sobering. I realize he is on some shit. Not willing to hear any of his bullshit. I give him a look, conveying that I’m not in the mood. It”s his turn to chuckle. He spreads his legs wide, leans back, and scans my desk, assessing what has me locked in my office at this time of day.
“Can’t get shit done?” He smirks, knowing damn well I’m too fucked in the head to focus on checks and balances. I sit back in my chair, resting my clasped hands on my chest, and raise a brow at him. He came into my office for a reason, so he needs to say his piece and get the fuck out.
“So?”
He adjusts in his seat, stretching his legs further in front of him, still looking damn uncomfortable. Taz usually would be in his office doing his shit or at the garage, but I gave him and my daughter a week to get their shit together after returning from their honeymoon. Her being a new mom and wife means they are always busy with the twins. I chuckle, thinking about my girl and her insistence on getting married before she had the twins. According to Bell, Ain’t no way was she going to nobody”s hospital as somebody”s baby mamma. I chuckle, and that has Taz looking at me with questioning eyes. And before he says a word, I speak.
“So, what asshole? If you came in here for a reason. Get the fuck to it. I got shit to do.” I growl out, feigning annoyance I don’t feel. I just want to be left the fuck alone to fester in my miserable thoughts. I know damn well he came in here to talk about the same thing he always comes in here to talk about lately. My daughter, his kids, their damn dog, and the one that always leaves me in a piss poor mood, my old lady, who refuses to give me the fucking time of day.
Clearing his throat. “My woman says yours is leaving,” He pauses, watching me for a reaction. I refuse to give him one. At least I hope, like fuck, my face stays blank because my heart is another matter. My chest tightens, and my pulse skyrockets.
She’s leaving?
Savvy is leaving?
I must not be doing my best to hide the turmoil his words have caused. The look of concern on his face has my eyes closing for a moment. Taking a breath, I try to get control of my pounding heart. Damn, if that woman doesn’t elicit extreme and sometimes unwanted reactions in me.
“Figured you wanted to know. Since you, I, and everybody around this place know the two of you haven’t been doing much talking since the shit went down and she came back.” He gives me a knowing look.
Yeah, well. I sigh. Savvy has made it clear that whatever we were, we aren”t. Yes, we may have gone down memory lane a time or two, but I could tell she was… she wasn’t my Savvy anymore. Fuck yeah, I enjoyed having her in my arms, loving up on her. But not once since she returned has that woman”s lips met mine. She refuses to go to my house and never goes to my room, no matter how many invitations I extend. Anytime she and I’ve shared a moment alone, it’s been in my office and nowhere else. So yeah, we’ve fucked. Her words, not mine. But fuck, I sound like a pussy thinking about it.
Our time together was nothing but a release to her. She’s said as much. And fuck, if it didn’t gut me the first time those words left her beautiful, full lips. When we’re together, she gets off and leaves immediately after. There are no soft words, no promises given by either of us. And at first, I thought she needed time. Now I don’t know what the fuck to think. All I know is that I’ve become the pussy for this woman. And I fucking hate how this shit feels. Then again, if I look at it from her perspective, I understand why she remains so detached. I know why she leaves her walls up with me. I hurt her and broke a part of her, and she refuses to let me do it again. What she doesn’t allow me to explain is that it won’t.
Of course. I say none of that. I keep my face impassive as I stare at my VP. His coming to me the way he is has more to do with my daughter than anything. I know that. She may not say it out loud, but I see Bell watching her mother and me with a wistful look whenever we interact. It makes me think she is on my side in wanting her mother and me to work shit out. At least, I hope she is. Bellamy and I may not be on the best terms–we are getting there. I’m getting there. I can admit that I’ve been a prick to her more often than not, but I’m her father, and Savvy is her mother, and she knows that things between us are unfinished. And she knows that despite my fuck ups. I love her. I love them with everything in me.
With a long sigh, my chest feels tight, and I rub it like it will make the pain go away. “I can’t make her stay, VP. I can’t make any more decisions for her or push her to do shit she doesn’t want to do. Haven’t I done that enough? Haven’t I… Fuck. I want my woman more than anything. I want her to look at me the way she used to. I want to love on her, hold her. Fuck, I want to fucking kiss her ass, silly. But we aren’t those people anymore. She has her life, and I have mine. And we are not those doe-eyed kids with hopes and dreams for a simple life of a mom, dad, two-point-five kids, a dog, and a picket fence. I can’t change the shit I did. I can’t turn back the fucking clock. That woman is a world-renowned fucking ass-kicking, killing machine. She’s cold, calculated, and closed off to anything that has to do with me outside my dick. She doesn’t want me. She sure as shit doesn’t need me. Hell, I don’t even think she likes me.” I sigh, hating admitting all this shit out loud. Taz stares at me pensively. He knows I’m right. I would do anything to turn back the clock, but that isn’t how life works. And I could go all caveman and demand she stay, but she would have my balls. So if she wants to go, I can’t make her stay.
“Well, hell. Seriously?”
My office door opened abruptly, drawing Taz”s and my attention. I release a long sigh, knowing it could only be one person.
“Well, if I knew this would be a little meeting about my family matters, I would have come sooner.” Bell stands with her hands on her hips as she stares daggers at her ol’ man. I don’t know what that’s about, and I don’t want to know. I know she damn well knows that my VP often comes into my office to talk about her mother and my relationship, and it is because she asks him to. So whatever fake surprise shit she is selling, I’m not buying it.
I watch as my daughter and VP silently converse with one another. The two of them are one hell of a pair. My Bell keeps my VP on his toes, that’s for damn sure. They fuss and bicker more than anyone I know. Hate to admit it, but the love they share can’t be denied. Taz would lay his life on the line for Bell, and I know she would do the same for him. Which is why I know him coming in here and having these uncomfortable ass conversations while he sits in that awkward ass chair has more to do with him wanting to make and keep her happy.
Taz sighs and shakes his head as he stares his woman down. “Tornado, I told you to let me handle it.” He growls, eyes narrowing on her as she stares between us sheepishly. I try not to laugh at the look on her face.
Taz leans back in his chair, nearly tipping the damn thing over to grab hold of Bell. She tries to pull away, but the look he gives her says she better chill her ass out. Only my VP can get away with shit like that. My daughter is not one to be trifled with. But with my VP, she is a lovesick woman who often bends to his will, even if she denies it. Taz pulls Bell toward him, shifting her so she sits securely in his lap, and he rubs up and down her arms. Kissing her on the neck, I try to hold in my grimace. I’m still not one hundred percent with them showing all this lovey-dovey shit around me. Taz sees my reaction, and the fucker smirks and kisses her again. And if I didn’t know the fucker as well as I do, I would punch his fucking lights out for all the PDA in my fucking office. I doubt my knocking his ass out will go well with my girl. It didn”t last time. I smirk at the memory of kicking his ass after he claimed my daughter without talking to me first. Served the fucker right.
Bell narrows her eyes on Taz. “Yeah, big guy. Letting you handle it means he.” She points to me. “Is going to hide in his office, throwing a pity party about how different he and mom are now. And how he doesn’t want to take her choices away. Blah, blah, blah.” She looks at me with a raised brow. “Am I right? This is a pity party?”
Taz chuckles at the look in my eyes as I stare at my daughter. Right now, she is playing the role of sweet and concerned, which is something she is not. Well, she may be concerned. Taz, the fucker he is, finds her smart-ass mouth and nosy nature amusing and encourages the shit. I find the shit that comes out of my girl”s mouth entertaining as hell, except for when it’s directed at me. Something he sees in my eyes has him shifting her and sitting up a little. He pats her on the hip, understanding I may be amused but not in the mood.
“Baby girl, chill. I’m handling it.” Giving her a pointed look that she promptly ignores.
Turning to me, I know whatever is about to come out of her mouth will be some shit. Instead of interrupting her, I lean back in my seat, placing both hands behind my head. And I’ll let her say her piece because if I don’t, she’ll make me listen, and more often than not, it ends up with her over Taz’s shoulder being hauled off for a spanking. I grimace at the thought.
“Listen, Daddio. I know you and my mother have been knocking boots, doing the horizontal tango, playing hide-the-sausage, filling the cream donut, stuffing the muffin…”
“For fuck”s sake Bell. Yes, your mother and I have shared a few moments. Which is none of your fucking business.” I growl out.
“Prez,” Taz says in warning.
A warning: I ignore and glare at him, letting him know I’m not speaking to his woman. I’m talking to my daughter. A daughter that I love dearly but don’t need meddling in my and her mother”s shit. What is happening between Savvy and me is just that, between us. Do I want things to be different? For them to go back to how they were? Fuck yeah, I do. The truth is that too much time has passed, and we have allowed too much pain to fester to forgive and forget. We both carry baggage from our shared past. Savvy doesn’t trust me or believe I won’t turn my back on her again if shit gets hard, no matter what I say or how I try to explain that I’m not that scared young biker anymore. The thing is, she knows and has known for a long ass time why I made the choice I did. She just doesn’t trust that, and I don’t blame her.
Thinking about it over the last few months and honestly analyzing things. It isn’t about my choice to marry Beverly that makes her reluctant to open up to me. It was what I said and how I said it when I broke things off. I hurt her in a way that she’s never forgiven me for. And I know that. Wish she would let me explain that I never wanted that. I never wanted to hurt her. But I knew things would have turned deadly if she tried to fight for me and vice versa. With Beverly’s threats, I can admit I was scared shitless. I would rather live in a world with Savvy in it than without. So yeah, I said some fucked up shit I regret and can’t take back. There will never be an apology to make up for that, but fuck if I don’t want to damn well try. She won’t let me, and fuck, if that doesn’t hurt more than anything.
Of course, Bellamy ignores her man’s warning and my silence. She sighs.
“In all seriousness. I know I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong, and lord knows you’ve bitten my head off more than I can count. But… I think… I think it’s a bad idea for you to let her go. Yeah, shit is going to be hard, but that’s life. We live, learn and move the fuck on. My mother has loved you all my damn life. She’s scared, Dad. She never wants to feel the way you made her feel back then. She can’t. It would destroy her. There has never been another man that could replace you. So I know that there has to be a way to fix it. I know there is, but you can’t do that if you give up on her. Fight for her this time. If you don’t, the darkness that has consumed her will overwhelm her. And with Blaze and I moving on with our lives, growing up and living on our terms, she doesn’t have us to keep her centered. She doesn’t have our light to keep her from falling further into the darkness. She needs you, Dad. No matter how much she denies it, she needs you.” Bell says as unshed tears misted her eyes.
The look in her eyes overshadowed the shock of hearing my daughter calling me dad for the first time. When I hear a sniffle, my eyes widen. Tears trail down Bell”s cheeks, causing my eyes to snap to Taz’s, who looks like he wants to bolt and murder someone at the same time. Bell frantically wipes her tears away on her sleeve. Not sure what the fuck to say because my daughter doesn’t do girly emotions, her words, not mine. I say nothing as I process her words. Taz pulls her to him, wrapping an arm around her slight form and rubbing her back. My baby girl looks so tiny and fragile, and I hate that her mother and my shit have her feeling this way. She is not one to show emotions, so I know this shit is affecting her. We could chalk it up to hormones, but I understand it’s more than that.
Bell sits up and looks over at me. “If you tell her anything, I just said. I’ll flatten all your damn tires on your bikes. Even the pretty ones you keep tucked away in your pretty little garage.” Tears still slowly stream down her cheeks, but the looks she gives me let me know she is serious about her threat.
I sigh, ignoring her threat. “I know and understand what you are saying, Bell. Me wanting Savvy, me loving your mother, may not be enough. What I’ve done, what I’ve caused, may not be something she can forgive. No matter how much I wish it did.” Looking into my daughter”s eyes, the look she is giving me tells me I’m full of shit and need to get my head out of my ass.
For a long while, we both stare at one another. I sigh again because I know what I need to do. Nothing in life is ever easy, and if I want Savvy. I understand I need to fight for her. I need to show her I want her and that I need her just as much as she needs me if not more.
If my daughter thinks there’s a chance. Then I need to get my head out of my ass and take it.
Without a word, I stand from my chair and stomp out of the room to find my woman and hope like hell she’ll stick around and see that the man she once loved and trusted is still here, willing and ready to fall at her feet and beg for her forgiveness. I will earn her trust and love if it is the last thing I do. I hope it isn’t my heart that gets stomped on and obliterated this time. Even if it is, I deserve it.