Fifteen
Fifteen
GUNNER
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I don’t know what clicked for her, but we will not figure all this shit out tonight. Stepping away from my desk and in front of her. She doesn’t stiffen, she doesn’t move when I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me. It takes a moment for her to respond to my closeness, but she does and wraps her arms around my waist, takes a breath, and leans into me, resting her cheek on my chest. Savvy mental strength is waning. Watching who she is at war with who she was is hard because I always go back to our shared past and what my decisions pushed her into. I shake my head. Ain’t shit I can do about any of that, but be here.
Savvy’s been softer and lighter the more time she spends here with the family–until tonight. Tonight, that woman coming here has brought the past back into the forefront, pulling her back into work mode. I know she always has an eye and ear out for shit going on within the organization, but I also know she’s trying to focus on family and our grandbabies, despite me always being in her face about us. Even if she does occasionally run away from me. More like she always runs from me. I know a blow-up is coming. I know there are things she doesn’t say that she is desperate to, I’m ready for all of it.
What I want and need for her to understand is that either of her is better than none of her. She can be the Widow Maker and my woman. She doesn’t have to hold back and keep herself contained for my sake. Savvy is everything to me and when she needs me, I’ll be here to love and support her, just like I am now.
I know my questions prompted a few of her own. I saw realization floating around in her eyes. Something I said has her thinking, and right now, after everything she has revealed and after dealing with those bitches, she needs a minute. And I need to get my woman out of here just to let her breathe.
“Not tonight.”
Her brows furrow and she looks up at me, one brow raised in question.
“You gave me a lot of shit to think about, and I think I did the same for you. So not tonight. Right now…”
I pull away from her but don’t let go completely, only an arm’s length as I stare down at her.
“Right now, you and I are going to go for a ride.” Her brows crease, and she tries to pull away. “Fuck, you just snapped a bitch”s neck. Some nut case just came back from the fucking dead. And you’ve figured out the master plan of some super-powered crazy people. Not tonight. Tonight we ride. Tonight, let the wind give you what you need.”
Without a word, I release her, grab her hand, and pull her out of the office, ignoring her narrowed eyes and the little huff she gave me.
With my woman’s hand in mine, I pull her through the clubhouse and to my bike, ignoring the questioning looks from my brothers. A smile plays on my lips at the prospect of having my woman on the back of my bike again. It’s been a need I can’t quite explain since the moment she walked into the clubhouse all those months ago. I’ve missed having her wrapped around me, having her warmth pressed against my back and those thick thighs cradling me as the wind whips through our hair, blowing all the bullshit from our lives away. Even if it is just for a little while. It’s been over two decades since the last time Savvy has been on my bike. The last time was a few days before my life went to shit. It may surprise my woman to know I’ve never allowed anyone that isn’t family, my Ma and daughter to ride bitch. And that includes my bitch of an ex-wife, Beverly. Thank fuck she never asked, and I never offered. It never felt right, and she wasn’t my ol’ lady.
With a shake of my head, I release Savvy’s hand and reach into the saddle back, pulling the helmet out, a helmet I had made for this moment. Taz had one of his guys paint and design this helmet the way I wanted for my woman. It’s mat black, with the LSMC colors on both sides in a black foil. Her name is the same etching as the club colors. My eyes trail from the helmet to Savvy, who watches me curiously.
“You know you are the only woman besides my Ma and Princess that’s been on the back of my bike.”
I can see her disbelief as soon as the words leave my lips. Not liking that she would doubt me or think I’m lying to her. That is one thing I have never done or will ever do, is lie to get back in her good graces. I set the helmet on the seat and step closer to her, grabbing her chin so she’s looking into my eyes and seeing the truth.
“Fuck woman, I’m serious. Beverly refused, and I wasn’t too inclined to have her wrapped around me. It… I felt like that was…. Fuck, how do I say this shit without sounding like an asshole? I felt like it was a fucking betrayal to you. You were always supposed to be my forever girl.” I shake my head. I pick the helmet up from the seat as she stares at me with narrowed eyes.
Fuck, this woman is trying my patience. I’ve been as patient as I can be with wanting to get her to understand she is the fucking love of my life. I need her with me. Her doubt and the constant fighting to keep herself and her heart guarded is wearing fucking thin. I shake my head, plop the helmet on her head, and straddle my bike forgoing my helmet. I need her to get the fuck on the bike before I say or do some shit that will fuck everything up.
When she doesn’t move, I turn to look at her. And she is still standing there, looking cute as fuck with the helmet on her head and visor up.
“Get on the fucking bike Savvy,” I say a little more forcefully than I mean to, causing her to look like she is going to say some shit to piss me off.
We stare at each other a little longer, before she gets her ass on the bike after giving me a scathing look. Once situated. I pull out of the compound with no destination in mind until I drive down the coast smelling the breeze coming off of the bay. My mind is blank as I take in the scenery.
My hand goes to Savvy’s palm, and she tightens her arms around my waist and rests her helmet-clad head against my shoulder. Giving her a squeeze, I let the engine loose and let the wind do what it’s meant to.
It’s been a few hours of riding and I’m feeling the effects as I knew I would.
Pulling off the main road. I go to a place that holds memories for both Savvy and me. It’s where we would go to just be alone. We spent countless hours sitting by the water and talking about our lives, what we wanted for ourselves, and our futures. This is the place where I fell in love with Savvy.
Cutting the engine and putting the kickstand down. Savvy perks up and her helmet brushes against my back as she takes in where we are. Patting her on the leg, signaling to get off. She doesn’t at first, but after a few quiet moments, she places her hands on my shoulders and dismounts. I smile to myself when she wobbles a little and I have to lean over and catch her before she falls on her ass.
With a chuckle. I swing my legs over my back, ensuring that she is steady. I don’t let her go, even when she awkwardly removes the helmet. I adjust myself so that her front is to my back and just take in the scenery as memories play in my head. Savvy reaches over and places the helmet on the seat. She leans into me, wrapping her arms across her front and over mine as I pull her closer. I didn’t expect this from her, and I’m going to take it, because if bringing her here gets this calm of a response from her, fuck, I’ll bring her here every fucking day.
“I remember the first time you brought me here,” Savvy says, chuckling.
I hmm leaning in and resting my chin on the top of her head, pulling her closer to me.
“It was the first time I ever rode on your bike. I was so damn giddy. You shared this with me. Damn, I loved you so much at that moment.” She says the last part so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
And then it happens. Her body tenses, and she pulls away from me as always. I let her go reluctantly. Cursing internally, because I knew it couldn’t be that damn easy. It never is with us. Savvy takes a few steps away, her back still to me and her arms are crossed around her middle as she stares at the water. I watch her, seeing the tension in her arms, and know that if I want us to get past our shit, things are going to get ugly. They have to because my woman has had so much shit, she has pent up inside her unwilling to let out. And I’ll be damned if we leave here tonight without working through it.
“I loved you so fucking much, Gunner, and you fucking destroyed me. You destroyed who I was, and I had to rebuild myself. I had to become this to survive.” She says, anger, frustration, and hurt lacing her words.
“I hated you for what you did, even after finding out why you did it. I still hated you, but I also still loved you. So much… so many fucking emotions, and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with it. So Pappa did what he had to do to help me. I know you don’t agree. I know you want to cuss me the fuck out. I know you do. Don’t deny it…” she says. Turning around, her eyes find mine and breathing stalls in my lungs at the look on her face.
“Fuck.” I say, taking a step that’s immediately halted when she raises her hand.
“You can be angry, fuck I’m angry with myself.” She says as a tear tracks down her cheek. She wipes it away, but another follows.
“But it happened, all of it happened. And I’m… I know who I am now, what I am now. I’m stronger than I was before I knew that. I also know I shouldn’t still feel the hurt and devastation I still feel when I know you had no control over your choices. But you had control of your words. What you said and how you said it. Fuck Gunner, you had to know that everything we had, everything we were to each other, that is what would break me. And that fucks with me because you didn’t have to say what you did to make your point. You didn’t have to treat me like another one of your club girls to turn me away. You treated me like I was some simpering whore who got too clingy. When I was supposed to be your girl. I was your girl. But you did. No matter how fucking rational I try to be about it, I can’t seem to let it go. I can’t seem to let you go.” She says, turning away from me.
“For so long, all I wanted was to let you go.” She says.
Her last statement was so quiet I don’t think it was meant for me to hear, but I fucking did. And it has the blood draining from my face because fuck that. She is never going to let me go because I will never let her.
“No, fuck no. Not happening. You will never be rid of me.” I say, stepping around her so she can see the truth in what I’m saying to her. And I don’t give a fuck that she wants me to keep some distance. I’m fucking sick of the fucking distance between us. No fucking more.
“Apologizing will never be enough, I know that. I fucked up. I didn’t have a choice. We know that. But here and now I do here and now we do. And I never… ever fucking want to hear you say you want to let me go because you can’t I won’t fucking allow it Savvy you fucking hear me. Not in this life or the next will I ever be without you again.” I say, taking a breath, because the anger I feel is getting the better of me.
“You better get it through your head that we will never be over.” Pulling her to me. Savvy makes no move to wrap her arms around me and she looks away.
“I was a grade a fucking prick. I don’t and can’t deny that. I would never try to. I did what I thought was right, and the consequences of that were losing you, hurting you… breaking you.” I shake my head and pull away from her because fuck. “Savvy, my heart’s cracked open and splayed out at your feet from the moment you walked back into my life.” I pace in front of her. “You think that shit didn’t fucking break me? You think I haven’t spent the last two decades doing anything but surviving without you? I fucking hated myself for a long fucking time. I nearly lost my kid because I was so fucking angry and resentful.”
“What?” she says, like she can’t believe what she heard.
Stopping in my tracks to look at her, her eyes are wide with questions. So I explained everything to her, how things were between Beverly and me, and how I was so neglectful of not just her but of Chase. And how it all came to a head when he ended up in the hospital. I see the anger and hurt in her eyes at me and the choices I made. And then I explained it was Turbo that made me see I hadn’t just hurt Savvy by choosing Beverly, which wasn’t a choice. That my actions affected my kid, who was innocent. He didn’t deserve to have a neglectful and hateful father. I explained how ashamed of myself I was in realizing that for a long time, it wasn’t just Beverly I resented, but Chase as well. Savvy”s tears nearly broke me as I told her about the promise I made to be a better husband and father. I know she isn’t upset about me wanting to be better for Chase. It was the fact that I was trying with Beverly that is hurting her and I fucking hate that, but she needs to know it wasn’t some happily ever after for me. My shit wasn’t as bad as what she went through, but hard lessons were learned and I grew as a man. And the man I am now is a better one, one that will fight for his family the way I should have back then.
“I see hurt in your eyes. I know it hurts to hear that I tried with her. I hated myself for it, but for Chase, for my kid, I tried. I never loved her. I couldn’t, but I needed peace. I needed to find my equilibrium in the life I was forced to live. But fuck, Savvy. What the fuck else could I have done?” I say, my frustration getting the better of me.
“You say that what I said that day broke you. It broke me too. I knew what I was doing, but I also knew why.” I close my eyes. When I open them, I take a step closer to her without touching her. “Savvy, you wouldn’t have accepted a gentle breakup. What I said to you. I fucking regret every fucking word of it. Every. Fucking. Word. I regret it more than I could ever say. And a simple apology will never be enough, I know that. Savvy, be honest with yourself. If I would have said this isn’t going to work out and left it at that. What would you have done? What?” Pausing, watching emotions swirling in her eyes.
She knows the truth of it. Savvy knows.
“I know you. I know how you think, especially then. You would have fought me. You know you would have. You loved me, Savvy. You loved me as much as I loved you. And I couldn’t fight, not then,” Taking a breath. “And I couldn’t allow you to fight. I was fucking terrified that they would make good on their promise to hurt you.” Stepping closer, pulling her into my arms and looking into her eyes. “I’ve said this so many fucking times. I would rather have you in this world living your life without me than dead.” My words affect her and have her once again pulling away and me once again letting her go.
I watch her as she paces in front of me. Never taking my eyes off of her. Our emotions are high. Everything I feel and am saying is the truth and I refuse to not be able to get it all out. We have been dancing around each other and our reality for months–enough is enough.
“Our past sent both our worlds spiraling. And you’re not wrong. I’m fucking livid you put yourself and our kids in danger, but I can’t fault you for it, not entirely. There is fuck all that either of us can do about it. But I refuse to do anything but fix what we have here and now. I will never let you go. Fucking never.” I say, determination lacing my voice.
“Gun…”
“No…. FUCKING ENOUGH. Enough Savvy.” I don’t mean to yell, but fuck. The scathing look she gives me has me taking a breath.
“Who the fuck are you talking to like that?” Savvy says, glaring at me.
“Oh, for fuck”s sake, woman. You, I’m fucking talking to you. The love of my fucking life. The mother of my children. You Savvy. So don’t get your dander all up because I will not be intimidated by this new you. Don’t get all pissy with me because I will not let you bulldoze and run away from me without saying my fucking piece. You told me how you fucking felt. And I know that was fucking hard for you. You will not get all pissy with me because I’m getting frustrated with the way shit has been with us. I want to move fucking on. I want to start our lives. We can never pick up where we left off. We’re different people. What we can do is move the fuck forward. I’m not, nor will I ever, say to forget or let me off the hook. But fuck, give me a chance to prove to you, That this.” I sigh. Stepping up and pulling her to me.
“Let me prove we are worth it. We were written in the fucking stars. Hurt feelings and pain are a part of our story, but it isn’t the fucking end of us.”
Choosing to leave it at that, I stare down at her, letting her process my words.
Savvy looks up at me, searching my eyes. “You fucking broke me. And I did everything I could to put myself back together.”
“I know, baby.”
She narrows her eyes, which has me closing my mouth.
“I don’t know if we can move the fuck on, as you say. And I’ll be damned if I let you hurt me again.” She says, and I can see in her eyes that she will not let shit go as easily as she had. “I can’t say here and now that I can forgive you.” I go to speak, but the looks she gives me has me shutting the fuck up.
“You said your piece and now I’m saying mine.” She grits out. “I need to know it will never happen again, that you won”t get backed into a corner and turn on me because I will kill you.” A laugh bubbles up in my chest, but the looks she gives me has me holding it in. “Gunner, you need to understand. I hear the words you are saying. And I believe you believe them. You believe you will never do anything to hurt me, but there is always going to be a part of me that doesn’t believe. Because when you hurt me, I didn’t see it coming. It blindsided me.”
Nodding, understanding what she is saying. Because I do understand. I don’t like it, but I get where she’s coming from. I lean down tentatively, my forehead on hers as I stare into her eyes.
“Fate, the universe, or who the fuck ever knew we needed to find our way back to each other. It knew that I needed to make it right and I fucking will. I will make you trust and believe in me again. I will gain every ounce of love I lost. Because you are worth it, you will always be worth it to me.” I say, kissing her gently and softly on the lips.