Chapter Nine
Briggs
Things, weirdly enough, continue on. I’m not sure how much time has passed but I know it’s been a while.
We are firmly in the middle of winter. Most mornings, we wake up to even more snow outside.
Wade has made it his job to make sure we don’t get snowed in, going outside first thing to shovel it away.
While he does though, I get the fire going again before starting breakfast. We have a system, a routine. It feels almost domestic.
Almost.
Sometimes, when we’re in bed, we’ll exchange soft kisses, heated frottage, or quick handjobs. We never talk about it. We never touch each other outside of those moments unless it’s platonic slaps on the back or offering the other their mug.
It’s become our norm, even if it’s eating a hole inside of me. I want more. I want all of Wade, but I know I have no right to ask for that. I can’t expect him to give me more than he’s already giving me.
I want to greet him with a kiss in the morning. I want to hug him when he comes back inside after dealing with the snow. I want to feel his cock in my mouth or have him inside of me. I want everything that Wade is willing to give me.
I can’t ask. I can’t. This thing between us is too precious, too precarious.
One little nudge and it could topple everything over the edge in the wrong direction.
We’re literally stuck together, I can’t tell him my feelings!
What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if I’m just a warm body in a sea of undead?
One of us would feel too awkward and want to leave.
No, it’s better to just learn to be content with what’s happening between us right now.
If I never bring it up, then things don’t have to change.
Fuck. How did this happen? How did I fall so thoroughly for Wade? One second, he’s just the guy I’ve hitched my wagon to but somewhere along the way, between the day I shaved his head and the day I finally kissed him, something inside of me changed.
I’m brought out of my spiral by the front door opening and Wade stepping inside.
He shakes his jacket out before peeling it off and hanging it beside the door.
He looks up at me, giving me the smallest smile.
My insides twist around inside of me violently with how much I love to see his face, how much I adore his smile now that it’s starting showing up more.
“All done with the snow,” he says, nodding towards the door. “I noticed we’re almost out of meat. I’ll go back out later today and hunt something down for us.”
“Sounds good,” I say, trying to keep my voice clear. “I just finished breakfast.”
I managed to make something that resembles biscuits along with some cuts of thick bacon from a deer Wade hunted down and brought home. It’s not much but it’s hot and it’ll keep us feeling full.
Sliding the plate onto the table, we sit down across from each other.
“Thanks, Briggs.”
“No worries,” I say with a little chuckle. “If you’re out there doing all the hard work, it’s only right I’m in here making you a hot meal.”
“I like the snow,” Wade says with a shrug. “I kinda wanna shift and just roll around in it.”
“You can,” I say, taking a bite of my biscuit. “No one is stopping you.”
Wade hums. “I don’t know. Feels kinda silly.”
“You’re allowed to be silly.”
His eyes narrow. “Feels kinda dangerous.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. What if I don’t notice a zombie while I’m being a dumbass? What if I don’t hear someone approaching? It’s not safe to be silly anymore.”
I understand where Wade is coming from, I really do. I want us to be as safe as possible. I want this place to be ours. We’ve put so much effort into securing a perimeter around the cabin, making sure there’s fences that will keep zombies out.
Even so, none of that will ever be enough for Wade. It’s so hard for him to trust any of it, especially after all he’s been through. I understand it, yet it breaks my heart all the same.
“I can always sit outside while you do it. I’ll pay attention while you’re having your fun.”
Wade shakes his head but there’s a little smile playing at his lips. “That’s way too embarrassing.”
I give a little pout. “I bet you’d look so cute rolling around in the snow.”
“You just want an excuse to pet me.”
“Guilty as charged,” I say with a giggle. In response, I get an eyeroll back. It’s so incredibly endearing that it takes all of my self-control not to actually sigh out loud.
Jesus Christ, I need to keep my shit together.
After we’re done eating, I take our plates and wash them off, using the bucket of water we have in the kitchen. Then I make my way into the living room, sitting on the little couch in front of the fire. Wade joins me, staring at the flames.
I can feel him, each point where we touch sending shocks through my body. I want to lean my head against his shoulder. I want to snuggle with him in front of the fire. I want so fucking much that my entire body aches with my want.
Apparently I am a weak man because I find myself moving ever so slightly, leaning my head against his shoulder. I feel him tense before he lets out a long breath. He doesn’t push me away but he doesn’t acknowledge what’s happening either.
It’s just like the kissing. It’s just like the way we get each other off. A happy participant and nothing more.
If Wade felt these same types of emotions, surely he would say something, right? He would give me a sign. He would bring it up. He’s never been afraid to tell me off, so I know he’s enjoying what we do during those nights, but he doesn’t want more.
I should be okay with that. I have to be okay with that.
“If we had met before the world went to shit, do you think we would have been friends?”
It takes me a moment to respond, wanting to give him an earnest answer. “I want to think we would be, yeah. I think…” my words trail off for a second. I clear my throat and try again. “I think you would have gotten along with my brother.”
Wade hums. “Yeah?”
“Mhmm. He was quiet. Really introspective, always thinking about why things are the way they are. Real philosophical guy.” My heart races in my chest. It hurts, talking about him, but at the same time, there’s something really freeing about it.
I realize with a start that I want to share this with Wade. I want to keep the memory of my brother alive.
“So I’d like him because he’s quieter than you?”
“Yeah,” I say with a small smile. “And you both overthink things.”
“Do not,” Wade says and I can hear his frown. It just makes my smile wider.
“He joined the military, before everything went down. They paid for his schooling. Mechanical engineering. His dream was to work on space robots.”
“So he was the smart one,” Wade cuts in and it startles a snort out of me.
“Yeah, you’re not wrong. He might have been quiet but he was always overly protective. That’s how--” my voice cuts off, breaking. The words caught in my throat.
Instead of saying anything, Wade reaches over, taking my hand. He squeezes it softly. I adjust, lacing our fingers together, resting our hands on his knee. I stare at our hands for a long time. Good thing I’m sitting, otherwise I would be swooning at the simple gesture.
“That’s how he died,” I say, just barely above a whisper. “He was protecting me.”
Wade squeezes my hand. “Thank you for telling me,” he says, keeping his voice just as soft as mine.
“It’s not my place to say this, but I’m going to say it anyway.
I think you carry your brother’s legacy with you, every single day that you survive.
You are good, Briggs. Your brother protected you and in turn, you protect other people.
” Wade clears his throat. “You protect me,” he adds softly.
I don’t even notice that I’m crying until Wade is turning on the couch, facing me. He lets go of my hand so that he can clear the tears away. His movements and touches are so gentle they make my heart ache with how much I love him.
I love him so much it hurts me. Yet I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I blink the tears away, until I can see Wade’s face more clearly. His bright green eyes are so soft. It makes the ache inside of me even worse, hollowing me out until there’s nothing left but my desire to be held by Wade.
“I--” Wade cuts himself off before saying more. My heart leaps in my chest.
Wade stares at me for a long moment before he moves closer, slow enough that I can pull away if this isn’t what I want. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I pull away now, I would never forgive myself.
That’s enough of a go ahead for Wade to lean forward the rest of the way, pressing his lips against my own. This kiss is different. Normally, our kisses are with the end goal of coming. This one is soft, barely there. This kiss is comfort, a physical reminder that we’re not alone in this.
It’s everything I’ve been pining for. This kiss is everything to me.
My arms come around Wade’s back, my fingers digging into the back of his shirt. Wade’s hands move away from my face, grabbing onto my hips. He carefully moves me off the couch and into his lap. I make a little noise and Wade uses that as an opportunity to pull his face away from my own.
Before I can mourn the loss of his kisses, he pushes my face against his shoulder, holding me tight. I can appreciate that this is what I needed. This is so much better than kisses. Wade holds me tight, one hand against the back of my head, the other against my spine.
“I’ve got you,” he says softly, and I believe him. I don’t know if this changes anything between the two of us but something inside of me feels different, feels brighter. This feels like a line that’s been crossed.
I have no idea what it means but emotionally, I’m so wrung out that I can’t really think about it too much.
I hold onto Wade, snuggling against his chest, allowing him to hold me.
When my eyes grow heavy, I don’t fight the pull of sleep.
My head hurts and my throat feels scratchy from crying.
Hopefully a little sleep against Wade’s chest will help me feel better.
When I wake up, I have no idea how much time has passed but unfortunately, I feel even worse.