CHAPTER 4 FINN THOMPSON
FINN THOMPSON
It’s been three weeks since the start of fourth year, and it’s been tougher than I thought it would be.
Not only have my lectures and classes been extremely full-on, I’ve also been trying my hardest not to go out.
I don’t want to give in to the little voices in my head when there’s any small inconvenience that wants me to bury myself in a beer.
But I know I can’t. I have to keep going. I can’t end up where I was before, not after my parents paid extortionate amounts of money for my rehabilitation.
I’ve been continuing with my online therapy sessions and going to weekly AA meetings to try and ease the monster inside me.
I had no idea how standing in a room full of other people suffering from alcoholism would help me, but it has.
Listening to their stories and the places they’ve ended up because they couldn’t say no—it’s put into perspective how badly I want to get my life back on track.
I’ve been given a sponsor to help me through my recovery.
His name is Andrew, he’s been sober for three years, and is determined to help others, too.
He told me that speaking in meetings can sometimes be difficult, and that if there’s anything I’d like to share privately, I can have confidence in him.
But I still have to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. That’s what my therapist said, and it’s definitely changed something inside me.
Although that’s not the only thing that has been grating on me. Despite telling myself to stay away from Maya because she deserves a man who most definitely isn’t me, that hasn’t stopped me from looking out for her around campus, but she’s nowhere to be seen.
She still has one more year to complete her three-year course, and statistically, by now, I should have bumped into her at least once.
Silas wraps his arm around JJ’s shoulder as he punches out a text on his phone. I glance between them as I take a swig of water. “I can’t believe Woodford has a girlfriend.” Silas grins before looking at me. “And she’s your sister, Finn.”
JJ’s eyes flick to mine, and I internally grimace. Given that I don’t want any of my friends to date my sister, ever, it’s not my choice, and I realised that if I kick off because of my stupid insecurities, I’ll have neither of them, and I refuse to let that be a reality.
“Maybe not rub it in,” JJ huffs and locks his phone. “Finn doesn’t need that right now.”
“Just saying.” Silas removes his arm from JJ and raises his hands in defence. “It’s exciting, no? I’ve never known you to have a girlfriend.”
JJ shrugs once. “Because Ivy’s the right one.”
The thought of my sister being in a relationship is a bittersweet feeling.
Of course, I want her to be happy, but I still have deep-rooted trauma that binds my sister and my friends together.
But she’s definitely come out of her shell, and she’s far more confident than I remember, and that’s all down to my best friend.
What more could I want? I know he’s in love with her.
Hell, he worships the ground she walks on, and it shows.
When Silas starts asking JJ questions, I zone out for my sanity and let my eyes wander around the cafeteria. Wishing to get a glimpse of long dark hair and beautiful brown eyes, yet I’m left with a weeping heart.
It’s probably for the best. No, it’s definitely for the best.
Although I can’t help but wonder if she’s okay…all my messages have gone unanswered. Mostly from this summer, while I was off my face and feeling soppy.
And fuck, it hurts. It hurts so badly, it feels like my chest has been ripped open. I’m just good at hiding it, even if my therapist said I should express my true emotions to those I trust.
When I glance over at the entrance, the hairs on my arms begin to stand when I spot Maya’s two closest friends, Jade and Alice. I brace myself, expecting Maya to walk in next, but she doesn’t.
I frown, fingers itching to know where she is and why she’s not come back for her third year.
Panic stretches through me when I think back to the morning after I got so drunk I couldn’t remember what happened the night before.
That’s when she screamed at me to leave her alone and never contact her again.
It shattered me to pieces knowing I could hurt her the way I did, and how out of control my drinking was, and I’m done making people upset. And god, a part of me doesn’t want to know, but another part of me is desperate to.
Stay away, Finn.
She’s better off without you.
Leave her alone.
But none of my thoughts help when I find myself standing up.
Silas and JJ glance at me, but my eyes are locked on Jade and Alice. “Where are you going?” Silas asks.
“I’ll be back in a moment.”
JJ reaches forward. “Finn, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
I snatch my hand away from his grip and turn to look at him, heart pounding in my chest. “I’m just going to ask a question. I need to know that she’s okay.”
His face twists to a look of sympathy, then concern. “Okay…” he trails off. “But it’s probably not going to end well.”
Without another word, I turn and head towards them as they take a seat at the other end of the cafeteria. My palms begin to sweat, and my mouth turns bone dry as I approach their table, words already failing me.
Jade’s eyes find me first, and the scowl that covers her face is unfriendly, so I brace myself. Alice turns to look at me, and she flashes an exact replica of her friend’s expression.
“Hi,” I exhale as I stand at the edge of their table.
“What the hell do you want?” Alice grumbles, and I subtly flinch from the iciness of her tone.
I drag my tongue over my bottom lip before drawing in a breath. “I-I just wanted to know how Maya is doing. I haven’t seen her around campus.”
Jade snorts and shakes her head at me in what I can only assume is disbelief. “I can’t believe you have the audacity to come over here and ask about her after what you did.” Her nose turns up at me. “You were being so unsupportive, and now you want to act like you care? Bore off.”
Unsupportive?
I swipe a hand through my hair, shifting from foot to foot under their intense gazes. “I was in a bad way, okay?”
Alice grinds her teeth together. “And you think that’s an excuse?”
“No,” I rasp. “I don’t. I don’t remember much of the conversation.”
“Maya doesn’t want to see you. So get that into your head,” Jade spits.
“She’s not coming back?” I ask under a whisper.
Alice pulls her head back with a glare. “She’s had to take the term off, maybe even the year. How do you expect her to handle everything?”
My brows pinch together. “Handle what?”
Jade tuts at me. “Go away, Finn. Stay away from her.”
“I want to make sure she’s okay,” I mumble.
“She’s doing just fine; she has her sister to thank for that.”
“So, she’s with her sister in Eaton?”
They share a glance, and Alice scowls. “Don’t go over there. Don’t make this worse for her. She’s been struggling as it is, and besides, you made your bed, now you can lie in it.”
A hole burns through my chest. “I don’t remember the conversation, okay?”
“As if that makes it any better,” Alice says as she looks away to eat her lunch.
“It doesn’t,” I heave. “But whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I was messed up.”
Jade rolls her eyes. “Tell it to someone who cares. Maya is one strong woman, and I fear if she wasn’t, you would have messed her up, too.”
I blink at her words, but deep down I know it’s true. When I head back to my table, I grab my belongings, both Silas and JJ burning holes in the side of my face.
“What happened?” JJ demands.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grumble. “I’ve got to go.”
“Wait—”
I grit my teeth. “No. I need to leave.”
They’re worried about me, and I get it. But I’m not going to do what they think. Instead, I leave the cafeteria and find a quiet spot on campus before pulling out my phone and ringing the one person whose voice I want to hear.
I don’t deserve her kindness after the way I betrayed her, but she’s willing to maintain a relationship with me as long as I keep myself in check, so that’s what I’m willing to do.
“Hey, Finn. You okay?”
The sound of my sister’s voice makes me want to cry. “Hey, Iv. I’m having a bad day, to be honest. I’m sorry if you’re busy.”
“No, no,” she rushes. “Not busy. Just finished up with a class, now walking home. What’s going on?”
“I fucked up so bad.” My voice cracks.
“What do you mean?”
I inhale sharply. “All I do is hurt people I care about.”
“But we’re working through our relationship, Finn. It’s okay.” Her tone is soothing.
My head shakes over and over. “Not just you.”
“Then who?”
“Maya.”
“Who’s Maya?”
The only girl I think I’ll ever love.
“My girl–” I pause because we’re no longer in a relationship.
“My ex-girlfriend. I did something or said something to her in my third year while I was off my face, and now she won’t talk to me; she hasn’t even come back to campus.
” I raise my head to the sky. “And I don’t deserve her, but I still care for her, and I don’t know what I did, and it fucking breaks me. ”
“Oh, Finn,” she exhales. “I didn’t know.”
“Because I didn’t tell you, or anyone. I was ashamed. How could I hurt her?”
It’s a question I ask myself every single day. I’m an asshole, a failure, a sad excuse for a human being. Tears begin to build in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
“Do you want to make it right?”
“In my heart, yes,” I whisper. “But she deserves so much better than me, and I’m starting to realise maybe I need to let her go, so I don’t ruin her. I don’t want to ruin her, Ivy.”
She’s silent for a few moments. “Finn, god. I wish I could hug you right now.”
“I’m such a bad person.” I let my head fall into my hand.
“You’re not.”
“I am.”
“No, a bad person wouldn’t have any remorse and would do it again and again. But I know you’re working hard to get better, and I know that makes you a good person.”
I sniffle and wipe my face. “My therapist says I need to voice my struggles. To my loved ones. Rather than keeping everything to myself.”
“You’re still seeing a therapist?” she says optimistically. “That’s great.”
“It’s for my program. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, Iv.”
“I know. I’m really proud of you.”
Her words make my eyes squeeze shut at the sensations that wash over me.
“What should I do?” I ask desperately.
“You love her?”
I’m nodding within a second. “Yeah, I do.”
“I understand your fears of feeling like she deserves better, but you’re not that person anymore, Finn.
You’re working to better yourself, and everyone can see it.
I think you need answers, and as hard as it is to hear, maybe even closure.
I think you should try and talk to her, ask her to help you fill in the gaps,” she says softly.
My nose wrinkles. “Do you think it’ll work?”
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “But it’s worth a shot, right? Especially if you love her. We all fuck up, but it’s about making it right, doing better, showing up. If she’s the one for you, Finn, put in the work and show her how much you’ve changed. I know you can do it. You deserve so much happiness.”
I rub my hand over my chest. I’m not sure if I deserve happiness, but I want to see her. I need to know what I did, despite telling myself over and over to leave her alone. It feels like I’ll never fully be able to move on if I don’t.
Forever what ifs and buts.
I straighten my spine. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“I’m always here,” she says supportively. “Always. Okay?”
My eyes burn again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your forgiveness, Ivy. I—”
“Hey,” she whispers. “It’s in the past, and you’ve done nothing but prove you’re sorry. It might still feel a little sore, but I’m working through it, too. I’m ready to let it go, and you should as well.”
“Why are you always the bigger person?”
Ivy snorts. “One of us has to be.”
My lip tilts upwards. “That’s true,” I say. “Love you.”
“Love you, too.”