MAYA BROOKE
“Skye, please,” I whisper beneath my tears as I rock her from side to side.
I don’t know who’s crying harder, but we’re both distressed, tired, and fed up.
“Sweetheart,” I coo to her softly as her little face twists and pinches as she cries out. The sound punctures my ears and makes all the muscles in my back tense. “Come on. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
The crying goes on and on until I’m silently crying along with her because I have no energy to make a sound.
I knew doing this alone would be hard, but I didn’t think it would be this hard.
“What am I doing wrong?” I sniffle as I stare down at her reddening face. “I don’t know what you want. You’ve been changed, fed, and cuddled. I put you down, you cry, pick you up, you cry.”
Skye starts to cough from how hard she’s screaming, and I feel like the world’s worst mother. The entire universe is against me, and nothing I do will be good enough. I know it. Skye most definitely knows it.
“Shh.” I kiss her forehead tenderly as my tears start to dry on my cheeks. “Come on. I know you’re tired. Go to sleep, sweetheart. Just close your eyes.”
There is a knock at the door that stirs me away. I close my eyes in defeat as Skye’s crying continues until my ears feel like they might burst. I walk to the front door and open it to find Jade and Alice on the other side.
“Hey, Maya,” Jade says with soft eyes. “Surprise.”
Then I start sobbing uncontrollably. Alice steps forward to take Skye from my arms, and it’s a relief. Why is that a relief? I shouldn’t need someone else to take care of my baby for me.
Jade wraps her arms around me and kicks the door shut at the same time. “It’s okay,” she whispers, rubbing my back. “We’re here. Okay?”
“I-I’m so tired,” I choke out. “And nothing I do is right. She hates me.”
“That’s not true.” She shakes her head. “You’re her mother; she loves you.”
My nose wrinkles. “No. She doesn’t.”
I pull away from her embrace and dig the heels of my palms into my eyes to try and relieve the pressure that’s building, but it’s no use. My eyes are swollen, and my breasts are sore, and I’m fucking falling apart.
Some days I feel positive, other days I feel like I wasn’t cut out for this.
“Hey.” Jade tugs at my wrist gently. “You’re doing great, okay? You are one powerful, badass mum, and you are doing everything you can.”
My eyes lower from how heavy they feel. “Then why do I feel so awful?”
“Hormones,” Alice says gently. “It’s still early days. It’s only been two months; these things take time, Maya. Don’t punish yourself. It’s okay, and you’re not alone.”
But I feel alone. I’m clouded with loneliness nearly every single day, and it suffocates me.
“Where’s Nina?” Alice asks as she sits down on the sofa with Skye, who is slowly beginning to settle.
Of course she wants to settle with anyone who isn’t me.
“At work,” I sniffle and wipe my eyes.
“Why don’t we go out?” Jade suggests. “Get some fresh air.”
I bark out a croaky laugh and point to myself. “I’m not going outside looking like this.”
Alice frowns. “Like what?”
“Like a mess,” I say before walking to the mirror to have a look at the damage in the reflection.
Yikes.
My dark hair is thrown up into a messy bun with pieces falling out around my face. I’m wearing the same top I’ve had on all week that has food and milk down it. When was the last time I even showered properly without being interrupted?
And those dark circles. Do not get me started on them.
Skye might possibly be the worst sleeper to ever grace this Earth—and I’ve read up on mum forums online, and it’s a relief to know others are in the same boat. I sigh to myself and close my eyes.
I sound ungrateful, but I’m far from ungrateful. I love her so much I had no idea I could love so big. With her, it’s like my heart expands every day without fail. Even when I feel like I’m on the verge of ripping my hair out.
“It’ll do you some good,” Jade says, snapping me out of my trance.
“Go shower.” Alice twists her head to the bathroom as Skye is sound asleep in her arms. “We’ll wait for however long you need.”
My heart thumps in my chest as I glance between my two best friends. “Thanks, guys. I really needed this. You have no idea.”
Alice shakes her head. “Don’t thank us. That’s what friends are for.”
After dragging myself into the shower and taking a well-needed wash, knowing my baby is in safe hands, I half blow-dry my hair and leave the rest before grabbing some fresh clothes and putting on deodorant.
It’s the cleanest I’ve felt in long time.
When I step out of my bedroom feeling much better than I did before, the girls turn to look at me with smiles. “There she is.” Jade grins. “Ready to go?”
“Sure.”
I put a sleeping Skye in her pram and head out the front door. Sunlight directly hits my face despite it being October, and it’s pleasantly warm.
“So, how have you been?” Alice asks genuinely.
I shrug once. “Okay, I guess.”
“You know we said to call if you’re struggling.”
“Yeah…” I trail off. “But I know you guys are busy with university and stuff. I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”
Jade frowns. “We will still make time to see you both. I want to make the effort.”
“Same here.” Alice nods.
My eyes strain with pressure at their kind words. “Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.”
We stop by a park bench and sit down facing the sun. “So…Finn came over to us the other day,” Alice says before tucking her hair behind her ear. “He was asking about you.”
I suck in a breath. “He’s already come to see me.”
“That motherfuc—” Jade grits, and Alice shoots her a look.
“What happened?”
My shoulders rise as I lower my eyes. “Just that he doesn’t remember what happened that night. I told him to go away. Then Nina brought Skye to the door because she was crying, and Finn saw her. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together when she literally looks exactly like him.”
“Shit.” Jade’s mouth opens. “What else happened?”
“I met with him a few days ago without Skye. I guess my heart wanted to hear what he had to say.”
“Do you really believe he doesn’t remember?” Alice asks.
I drag my tongue over my bottom lip. “Yeah, he was pretty out of it. I probably shouldn’t have told him then, but there wasn’t a better time. He was always drunk around then.”
“You reckon he’s gonna make an effort?” Jade leans back.
Skye stirs in her pram, and I gently start to push her back and forth. “He’s been texting me.”
Alice frowns. “Why didn’t you block him?”
“I don’t know,” I murmur playing innocent, but I know exactly why.
I can’t let go even if I tried.
“What did he say?”
“That he’s sorry and he’s going to put things right.” I huff. “That he wants to be better for both of us. We all know how bad his drinking was getting, and I can’t trust him around Skye unless I know he’s sober.”
“Do you believe that’s true?” Alice’s voice softens.
“That he wants to be better for us? I don’t know.
He still said what he said that night, and I get he was drunk, but it spoke volumes to me.
It depends if he can actually turn his life around and prove that he wants this.
I don’t want him dipping out when Skye makes an emotional connection, that’s not fair. ”
And I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it, either.
Jade chews on her bottom lip, and I tilt my head at her sudden expression.
“What?” I whisper.
“I heard a rumour going around that Finn was in rehab this summer.” Jade flicks her eyes between mine cautiously.
I pause for a moment. “Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t know if it’s true, but I don’t know why someone would lie about that.”
“Yeah, well, just because he went to rehab doesn’t mean he’s sober. I’ve said this once, and I’ll continue saying it. Skye comes first. Always.”
“We know, Maya,” Alice says. “And I don’t want Finn messing up what you’ve already established, but you’re exhausted and barely sleeping. Aren’t you meant to be coming back to university at the start of next term? How are you going to do that?”
The thought makes me nauseous because I haven’t really been thinking about it. I’ve been avoiding it altogether. I’m lucky Nina is letting me crash at hers, but I’ve barely got enough money to buy all the essentials for Skye and be able to travel in and out of university.
I bury my head in my hands, realisation dawning on me. “I don’t know,” I groan. “I don't know much about anything right now. My head feels like it’s been scrambled like a fucking egg.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out to see Finn’s name on the screen. I’d be a liar if I said my stomach doesn’t flip every time I see a text from him. It’s a natural response because this man won my heart despite how hard he tried to push me away. I saw what was beneath the surface.
“Finn?” Alice peers over my shoulder.
I nod and stare down at the texts.
Finn:
Please let me see you and Skye. Let me prove to you that I’ve changed, that I want this
I am begging you, Maya
Even if I have to get down on my knees, I will
My eyes close, and I exhale sharply. Ethically, it’s wrong to keep Skye away from her father because she deserves the choice if she wants to know him or not. I shouldn’t get to decide that for her. But at the same time, I need to know that she’ll always be in a safe environment.
Maya:
Are you sober?
Yes
I have been for two months
You can see my AA confirmation emails if you wish
I blink at the messages. It’s something I mentioned to him previously, but he just laughed in my face and told me that he didn’t have a problem. We both knew that wasn’t true.
When I don’t reply, another message comes in.
I don’t want to miss out on anything that involves you and Skye
Please can I see you?
I lower my head and calm my racing heart. Alice and Jade are fussing over Skye, which gives me a moment of privacy, but I know they’ll be bombarding me with questions as soon as I put my phone away.
I need more time
Okay, I’ll be waiting until you’re ready, even if that’s years
I deserve it after everything I’ve done
I shove my phone away and stretch out my fingers before my friends turn to look at me.
“What was that about?” Jade asks.
“He’s asking to see me and Skye.”
“What did you say?”
I flick my gaze between the pair of them. “I need more time. I’m scared to give him a chance and put my trust in him again. But Skye deserves a father, especially if he’s willing to put in the effort. I’m just gonna see how things go.”
“Despite what he said before?”
I chew on the inside of my lip and choose not to respond.
Even if those words still haunt me, there’s no way he could have faked the emotion on his face when he saw Skye in my arms. It told me a lot about his thought process, and his heart visibly shattered before me.
“Give yourself that time,” Alice says. “You’re allowed to think this through. He put you through hell, Maya.”
I inhale a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m gonna dwell on it before I decide how to deal with this.”
“You’ve got this, mamma,” Jade says with a tender smile. “And we’re not going anywhere.”