FINN THOMPSON
With only one week left until Christmas break, everything is carnage.
Submitting our essays and completing exams. I know it’ll all be worth it once I’ve finished my degree and I can say I gave my final year everything I had. I’ve still got to try and bring up my grades, but I don’t let the thought of my past years drag me down.
Maya left for campus a few hours ago, but today is the first day we actually need to be at university at the same time. I have a meeting with my professor about my dissertation proposal before my classes, and I fear it’s not going to be good.
There’s a knock at the door, and I open it to find Alice. “Hey,” I say. “Thanks for coming over to look after Skye. You’re honestly a lifesaver.”
Alice brushes it off as she steps inside. “That’s okay. I had a free afternoon, and I don’t mind helping you guys out. You’ve been back-to-back non-stop. I’m surprised you haven’t needed me to look after her more.”
She immediately heads over to Skye as she lies on her playmat. “Hello, sweetheart,” she coos as she strokes her cheek. “Are we going to have fun today? Oh, yes. We’re going to have so much fun.”
I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder. “Maya should be back soon.”
“I don’t mind when she gets back,” she says. “I could look after this one all day.”
My heart warms at her statement. I know Alice is definitely doing this more for Maya than she is for me, but I’m still grateful.
“Uh, her nappy has just been changed, and she’ll need a feed soon—”
“Finn.” She glances up at me from the floor. “I’ve got it. I was by Maya’s side for two whole months.”
A lump grows in my throat at her words. “Right, of course. Sorry. Just call if you need us.”
Alice’s face softens. “I’ve got it. Go.”
“Thanks, Alice,” I say before leaning down to kiss Skye’s forehead. “I’ll see you later. I love you.”
The second I walk out the door and into my car, I drive to campus. I check the time on my watch and realise I only have five minutes to make my way to my professor’s office. I break out into a light jog and get there in record time, raising my fist to knock on his door.
“Come in,” he calls.
My fingers press against the handle as I step inside. “You wanted to see me about my dissertation, professor?”
“Yes, Finn. Take a seat,” he says, gesturing to the empty chair in front of him.
As soon as I sit down, my palms start to sweat. I try to stop my knee from bouncing, but it’s nearly impossible. I might have to change my entire plan if he thinks it’s crap, and that’s probably my fault for barely attending lectures or participating in the first three years.
I watch him silently as he scrolls through his laptop—presumably looking at my proposal. He removes his glasses and stares directly at me.
“This is good, Finn,” he says simply. “Really good. It’s a huge improvement from your previous coursework.”
I exhale a quiet breath of relief as my heart pounds in my throat. “Thank you,” I say with pride. “I knew I had to step up. Bring up my grades as best I can.”
“Your dissertation is a big portion of this year’s overall grade,” he says. “I can see here that in second year you got a high 2:2, and in third year you got a low 2:2.”
My face scrunches up. I know I can do so much better than that. If only I had my head on my shoulders, I might have seen some firsts.
“What do I need to get this year to get a 2:1 overall?”
He hums and taps away at his laptop before leaning back in his chair. “To get a 2:1 overall, you need to get a minimum of 70% this year.”
The back of my neck starts to sweat. Okay, it’s not impossible, just terrifying.
“But I believe if you complete your dissertation the exact way your proposal is written out, then you could easily get a first on this. I know you’ve been doing well in your other classes, you just need to keep it up, Finn.
Keep focused, remember what’s important here,” he says as he twirls his glasses between his fingers.
“It’s only another few months, but work on your dissertation over Christmas break and come back to me in the new year, and I can take a look at it for you and see if you’re on track. ”
I inhale deeply—filled with relief. “Thank you so much. Honestly, I really appreciate your help.”
He smiles back at me. “I know a shining star when I see one. And you have a lot of potential. I want to see you soar and graduate with the grade you deserve.”
“I’ll do everything I can to stay on top of all my assignments.”
“I know you will, Finn.”
I stand from his desk and leave his office, taking a moment to myself to digest the conversation. My life is changing, and I’m not letting anything destroy what I’ve started to build.
When I step out of the East Building, I spot JJ, Silas, and Ronan. They clock me almost instantly, and I head over without hesitation.
“Hey, man,” Ronan says before bringing me into a hug. “Are we good? I haven’t seen you properly in ages.”
“Yeah…” I trail off. “Been living at Maya’s. It’s where I should be.”
“Of course. I’m sorry about the shit that went down with us before, man. I never intended for it to get out. I feel awful.”
“It’s fine,” I say, not bothering to hold grudges anymore. “I’m not ashamed of it. I’d just rather others didn’t know my business.”
Ronan looks genuinely remorseful, which tells me he didn’t do it maliciously. He just has a big mouth sometimes. It’s a terrible quality to have, but who am I to judge after all the mistakes I’ve made?
“And I crossed a line,” he sighs. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I forgive you, man,” I say. “It’s all good.”
“Wanna go grab a coffee?”
“Sure. I’ve got class in an hour.”
As we head over to the café to grab a coffee, the only place to sit is outside because it’s busy, but we all brought coats, and it’s not raining, so we’re easily swayed.
“So, Maya and Skye are all good?” Silas asks.
“Yeah. Skye’s with Alice because Maya has classes, and I had a meeting with my professor about my dissertation.”
“How do you juggle it all, man? It must be hard.”
“Not easy.” I scratch my head. “But it’s worth it for them.”
JJ smiles. “You’ve got this, brother. Christmas is almost here, and then you can relax for a bit.”
“What are you doing for Christmas?” Ronan asks.
I clear my throat before taking a sip of my scalding coffee. “I’m taking Maya and Skye to my parents’ house.”
“Shit.” Silas’s eyes widen. “Have they met them before?”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s gonna be special. Skye’s first Christmas, and the first time I’m going to be sober for it.”
Ronan grabs my shoulder. “Surrounded by your family? It’s gonna be a good one.”
“Yeah,” I say with a genuine smile.
Because I refuse for it to be anything else.
“What are you guys doing for Christmas?” I ask.
Ronan and Silas both tell us their plans as we finish our coffees. JJ is coming over on Boxing Day as he’ll be spending Christmas with his family after his mother’s successful treatment in Germany, then Ivy’s going over to his for New Year’s.
My eyes wander behind JJ and Silas as a group of people leaves one of the buildings.
I freeze when I spot Maya walking beside Alfie, one of the new guys on the football team that I never got to meet because I didn’t return this year.
But I’ve heard about him—and heard about them getting close at Fen’s party.
JJ follows my eyeline as Ronan and Silas continue to talk. Alfie wraps his arm around Maya’s shoulders, and when he grins at her like a Cheshire cat, something inside me dies.
Sure, they might be friends, but could they be more? I’m reaching. I know I am, but fuck, if it doesn’t turn my head into a crossroad.
I don’t even realise I’m shaking until JJ grabs my wrist to stabilise me. “They’re probably just friends,” he says in an attempt to calm me, but Maya twists her head to look up at him before he drops his arm.
My stomach churns uncomfortably, and I push down the bile that crawls up my throat.
“Think about Skye, okay?” JJ continues. “She needs you. Maya needs you.”
“What if they don’t?” I whisper, finally dragging my eyes away from them.
JJ lets out a breath. “Maya wouldn’t be expressing her fears of you leaving if they didn’t need you, Finn. Think about that.”
And I do, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
What if she finds a connection with Alfie?
What if I can’t handle it?
And it’s not on her, it’s on me.
She’s allowed to do whatever she wants, whatever makes her happy. All I want is for her to be happy and thrive in the way she’s always wanted. But knowing I messed up so bad that I’m no longer the one who makes her happy? Fuck.
“You’re spiralling,” JJ states when I don’t respond. “You need to stop, okay? It’s a shock, but all he did was put his arm around her.”
“She’s free to date whoever she wants,” I grunt.
JJ licks his lips. “Yes, but you’re jumping to conclusions here. They could be friends. If it bothers you, ask her. The only way you’ll know is to ask and hope that she’s honest.”
I close my eyes tightly. “And hear firsthand that she is dating him? I’ll pass.”
“Isn’t it better to know than to work yourself up over nothing?”
I despise that I can’t let her go, because I don’t want to. She’s it for me. There is no one else in this world I want to be with. And I don’t know how else I can show her that.
“Hey, man.” Ronan grabs my shoulder again. “If it’s meant to be, it will.”
It was meant to be, and I fucked up.
I lean back and grab my bag. “I need to go.”
“Finn—” JJ calls out.
“I just need a moment, okay?”
“Call me,” he exhales heavily. “If you need me. Call me.”
I nod solemnly. “I will.”
Once I’m up from the bench, I head to my car because I don’t know where else to go for complete silence and peace. I sit there for a while, and my mind ticks over and over until it feels like it’s about to explode.
“Goddamnit,” I groan as I slam my forehead down onto the steering wheel.
The demons inside me start to cry out for a quick release, but I refuse to let them consume me. I’ll be back to square one.
When it gets to ten minutes before my class, I tell myself I need a distraction, and the only one I’m allowing today is to be nose deep in a lecture that will probably send my brain into overdrive from how complicated it is.
But I have no other choice. I won’t allow myself to slip down that rabbit hole again. Even if there’s a voice nagging me in the back of my mind, telling me it’ll help take the edge off.
As soon as class is over, I’ll go to a meeting and remind myself why I gave it all up in the first place.