FINN THOMPSON
Itake Coach’s advice, and I give football another go. He advised I turn up to standard weekly training for those not on the actual team. As much as I love football, it’s nothing more than a bit of fun and a stress reliever right now.
If I was on the team, I would have to go to away games and train a few nights a week, and quite frankly, I’d rather spend time with my girls.
So a little kick around for an hour or two when I can seems perfect to me.
“Thompson,” Coach calls as we finish up our session for today. I head over to him as he watches me carefully. “Good to see you back.”
“Thanks for having me back after everything. You don’t realise how much you miss it until you’re actually on the pitch and feel that adrenaline again.”
“Looks like you’ve got your spark back, kid,” he says before slapping a hand down on my shoulder. “Keep it up. You’re looking strong out there, considering you’ve nearly been out a year.”
“Thanks, Coach,” I say with a nod. “I really needed this.”
“Exercise really does give the brain some breathing space.”
“Definitely.”
“Go get showered, and I’ll see you next week.”
On the way to the locker room, I make a mental note to stop off at the local bakery and grab some of Maya’s favourite sweet treats along with a bunch of flowers.
Her period pains this morning were out of control. I wanted to stay home and look after her, but she encouraged me to go to my classes and my first football session back. So I want her to know I’ve been thinking about her all day.
As I leave the locker room and draw my phone from my pocket, my body collides with something hard. I’m muttering an apology as I glance up and freeze when I’m met with Alfie.
I stare at him for a long moment as his eyes glaze over with irritation.
Taking a large breath, I step around him, but before I can get past, he grabs onto my wrist and tugs me backwards. I scrunch up my face and snatch myself from his grip.
“What the fuck?” I blurt. “Get off me.”
Alfie’s tongue pokes into the corner of his mouth as he sizes me up, but I’m taller than him. “You are not good enough for Maya,” he states.
I blink at him in disbelief. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” he snarls, stepping closer so I can smell his minty breath from his chewing gum. “I know men like you and what they think they can offer, but they can’t.”
My jaw clicks as I watch his eyes flick between mine. “You know nothing about me.”
“I know that you’re an alcoholic,” Alfie snaps back with a tilt of his head. “And that you abandoned your child and your girlfriend so you could go get shitfaced. That’s sick.”
There’s a heaviness in my heart that grows when I think about how badly I messed up, but I’ve been working on getting through it. Proving to Maya that I am different and that I don’t want that life anymore.
“Why are you so obsessed with my girlfriend, huh?” I step into him as he clenches his jaw. “She told me you asked her out. That you’ve basically been harassing her. Why don’t you get the message that she doesn’t want you? Leave her alone.”
I attempt to move again, but this time he shoves me back into the wall, and I resist the urge to shove him in return. But we’re on campus, and I don’t need to get suspended months before graduating.
Breathe, Finn. Breathe.
“My father used to say he’d get sober after spending days on end drunk out of his mind, spending all of our money, and taking his anger out on us.
” Alfie exhales harshly as he looks up at me with blazing eyes.
“I know what it’s like to be around an alcoholic, and no matter how many times they say that they’ll change, they never do.
You’re going to end up bringing both of them down, and you won’t just ruin Maya’s life, you’ll ruin your daughter’s life, too. ”
My fists clench at my sides. “I’m sorry your dad was such an asshole, but I am not the same as him. I’d never hurt my girls. I’ve already paid the ultimate price, and I’d never go back to drinking after that.”
Alfie laughs in response. “You think you have a choice? You’re sick. Alcoholism is an illness, and one day you’ll give in because you’ll have a bad day, or you can’t cope and have no self-control. Then you’ll put your family in danger, and they’ll end up as broken as you are.”
I grit my teeth so tightly my jaw feels like it’s about to crack. “Your lived experience isn’t mine, Alfie. Back the fuck off.”
He snorts and looks at me with vacant eyes.
“It’s only a matter of time, Finn. You got yourself into this situation.
Do you think that makes you a good man? It makes you weak and stupid.
How are you meant to live the rest of your life knowing you fucked over those two girls?
Surely it just lives in the back of your head at all times.
Festering. Reminding you what you did and why you did it.
That you’re a shit fucking dad and nothing will change that. ”
My heart thumps so heavily in my chest as nausea creeps up through my sternum. I can’t take it anymore. I shove him as hard as I can. I don’t want anyone getting inside my head and trying to force me to think of all the bad times instead of all the progress I’ve made.
Remind yourself of what your therapist says. We can’t live in the past. We have to move forward. We have to forgive. We have to do better.
Alfie’s eyes widen with joy as if he got exactly what he wanted. “Oop, there he is. The aggressiveness is coming out.”
“I am not aggressive,” I say through my teeth. “And never have been.”
His brows raise to his hairline. “I beg to differ.”
“Stay away from my girlfriend,” I seethe.
“I’ll never understand how she could give you a second chance.” He tuts and folds his arms over his chest. “I just hope you don’t hurt them in the way my father hurt me, but once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.”
I bite my tongue as my chest starts to rise and fall rapidly.
Without another word, I leave the sports building and head towards my car. My veins are filled with fury, and I want nothing more than to bellow at the top of my lungs until the agony and pain inside me start to empty.
My fists clench and relax over and over. I can’t go home like this. Maya and Skye can’t see me like this. I could flip a car, I’m so riled up. My eyes close, and I place my head back against the seat before I start slamming it against the headrest until it bumps over and over again.
You’ll put your family in danger.
“No,” I heave.
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
I want to change.
You’ll ruin your daughter’s life.
The tightness in my chest has me clutching at the fabric until I can’t fucking breathe. Suddenly, the air inside my car becomes too much, and it’s like I’m breathing through a straw, and I can’t possibly get enough oxygen into my system.
I crack the car door open and crouch down to the ground. My body starts to shake from the shock of hyperventilation. Fuck. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
“Finn?”
I recognise the voice, but everything is rushing around me a million miles a second.
“Finn,” I hear again as someone slides down beside me. My head twists through my blurry vision, and I glance up at Silas, who looks concerned. “What’s going on?”
“C-can’t breathe,” I exhale jaggedly.
“It’s okay.” He nods. “I think you’re having a panic attack, but it’s okay. It can’t hurt you. Just try to slow down your breathing and hold your breath where you can.”
I try to listen to him, but it’s too much. I’m dying, I’m sure of it. There’s so much tightness everywhere and not enough air.
“Come on, Finn.” He rubs my back soothingly. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re alright.”
I take in his words as he describes how to breathe, and after a few moments, I manage to calm myself down. It’s a relief because never have I felt intense panic like that in my life.
Tears leak from my eyes as Silas continues to rub my back. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I croak.
“What happened?”
I press my back into my car and bury my head in my hands. There is a buzzing around my head. I can’t get it to stop, and I don’t want to think anymore. I just want a moment’s peace.
“Finn?”
My nose wrinkles as I glance at Silas as he perches beside me. “Am I a shit dad?”
He frowns. “What? No. Of course not. You’re a great dad.”
“What if what everyone is saying about me is true?”
“Like what?”
“That it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up again. That I’m going to ruin their lives.”
Silas’s brows crease intensely. “Who has said this crap to you, Finn? It’s not true. You’re doing so well.”
I sniffle, my nose suddenly blocked. “But what if deep down I know it is.”
“Don’t say that,” he says as he squeezes my shoulder. “You’re letting the bad thoughts win.”
“Who’s to say if something bad happens in the future that I won’t return to drinking?”
“You won’t.” He shakes his head fiercely. “Because you’ve worked so hard to get where you are.”
“They deserve better.”
Silas’s eyes glaze over. “No. They deserve you, Finn. Healthy, alive, and the best version of yourself you can be.”
I snort. “I’ll never be that version. I’ll always be a mess.”
“Stop, man,” he pleads. “You’re letting yourself go.”
“What’s the point? Only delaying the inevitable.”
Silas stares at me for a long moment, and after a while, I push myself up from the ground and open my car door.
“Don’t do what I think you might do,” he says as he reaches out for me.
“I’m fine,” I murmur.
“Finn—”
I slide into the driver’s seat and slam the door shut. Silas stands right by the window, but I don’t look at him.
“Finn, think about this.”
My face scrunches up as I start the engine and drive off. I don’t remember how long I spent in my car before driving in the direction of home. But the second I walk through the door, Maya is there with an expression that reads confused and disappointed.
“Where have you been? I’ve called and texted you a thousand times. I thought something was wrong.”
I lower my heavy eyes and want nothing more than to fall face-first into bed.
“Finn?”
My chest quakes.
“What’s happened?”
“Just had a tough day. I’m sorry,” I murmur.
Maya’s eyes soften. “I didn’t mean to get mad. I worry about you.”
I scoff. “Because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, right?”
She watches me with a concerned frown. “Finn…what’s going on?”
“I just need to sleep.”
Maya watches me as I head towards our bedroom. Skye is fast asleep, and I press a kiss to her forehead before shedding my clothes and slipping beneath the sheets. No matter how hard I try to push away Alfie’s words, they continue to buzz around my head without permission.
And I wallow because that’s all I know how to do.