Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
Sally
I’ve never enjoyed being touched by men—or anyone, really.
I don’t think that’s an over-exaggeration, either. There are still days I have to tell myself not to recoil from the smallest touch.
That same wariness seeps into my bone marrow whenever Oliver reaches for me.
I want to be comfortable with his light and warm touches.
I know he won’t hurt me. Just like the times we ascended to our roofs.
How his hand reached to help pull me up and the headphones we would share to drown out the world around us.
It didn’t matter which roof we climbed as long as it was together and away from the world.
The truth is, I do trust Oliver, but that trust scares me. I don’t trust myself. Feelings well up inside of me. They want to break free. I’m scared that I can’t just see him as a friend or my hero anymore.
Block out the world with me.
Against my better judgment, I asked Oliver to dance because hearing him talk about me like he’d never see me again was ripping my heart out.
Now, we are just dancing in silence, moving to the rhythm of the beat.
I’m turned away from him, fearing the look on his face.
I can feel his gaze boring into my neck.
I almost wore flats until Ella spoke to me voluntarily for the first time this week.
She scolded me for thinking of lowering my height for a man.
I smiled at the interaction, but it was short-lived.
Ella was already walking away before I could apologize.
I scan the room, spotting a mess of couples dancing together.
Each of the girls is pressed up against their man, grinding like it’s their job.
I focus on one couple across the room from us.
The man’s hands are trailing her body, from her stomach to her waist, pulling her into his space like they are one.
Her hand trails up, meeting his neck, dragging her nails across his skin.
The man lowers himself to kiss her neck, and I can see her visible reaction. He continues to gnaw at her nape.
I can’t help the jealousy that consumes my mind whenever I see cis girls in these situations.
They don’t fear rejection over something they can’t control.
They can walk up to a guy they like and have a good night.
I can’t hook up unless it’s through an app and some man’s fetish.
I can’t dance with someone without feeling like I have to expose my whole life to them.
I’m more than my identity, but I can’t help but see the world through different lenses. I can’t live in ignorant bliss.
I’m not sure why I do it, but I look back, half expecting to see nothing, but my eyes meet Oliver’s deep sea-green ones looking like storm clouds reflecting in the water.
I can’t handle his stare, and the back of my neck turns hot. His breath sends chills down my spine.
His hands still aren’t on my waist, which is both a blessing and a curse. I know the minute he touches me, my body will react against my wishes.
Even though his hands aren’t on me, I can still feel his presence. Not once have I felt alone while on the dance floor. Somehow, he interpreted my disdain for touching and worked accordingly, not once making me feel less than, even if my mind did it for him.
Suddenly, he shifts, and his hands ghost my waist, still not touching me but almost like he could read my jealousy and want.
Against my better judgment, I place my hands over his and press them into my sides. He frowns, and I feel my blood drop, but that frown twitches into a smile. The light in his eyes flashes, and even in the strobing lights on the dance floor, I can read him like a book. He’s searching for approval.
Oliver leans forward, his breath hitting my ear and stirring my stomach. “Are you sure?”
I nod. I might regret this later, but I want to live and dance with a boy. So, please, universe, let me be that girl, the one you refused to let me be.
Dancing with Oliver is easy, natural, and scary.
Scary not because I fear the man behind me, but scary because I like it.
I like it so much that it makes the little bit of control I have over my life feel like pebbles being cast into the water at Alliance’s shore.
I get to control who knows about my existence, but not their reaction.
I’ve never experienced coming out before. Sure, I started going to high school in skirts and my face clad in makeup, but I never had a chance to be seen as anything other than a trans girl. When I thought I had found someone to accept me, he used me and threw me away.
Why the fuck am I thinking of Dalton right now when Oliver is here?
I let myself fall a little further. The presence of Oliver’s hands gripping my waist, tracing his thumb in a circle, arousing my senses.
My nerves shoot off pings of pleasure. My thoughts drift off, letting the music and the sway of his hips carry us.
Without even a trace of thought, I lean back into Oliver, pressing my back almost fully into him.
His body stiffens for a second, and then his arms wrap entirely around my waist. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but his body is reacting to me the same way mine is to him. There’s a bit of pressure building against my back, and a small groan comes from Oliver’s mouth.
“You’re killing me, Sally.” His words cause more heat to invade my body.
I don’t even know how I can get hotter, but here I am, burning against him.
My attention draws back to the dance floor, and I realize that most of the couples are gone. The song still vibrates the air to the point that I can’t hear the lyrics, but that might be the buzz in my ear from Oliver holding me close.
Ella would love the openness. She wouldn’t worry about people staring, and she could be free. There’s even a chance she might dance with Jaxon, though that’s a stretch.
I was always too self-conscious to actually dance in the past, and Ella would stand beside me even when she had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I would tell her it was okay to go dance, but she would just shake her head, saying she’d rather hang out with me.
I grew in recklessness but never confidence. Even when Leon, Lotte, and I would break into an abandoned building just for the fun of it.
Leon always had enough confidence for the people around him. I think he got it from living with Lotte longer than me. Charlotte, our most reckless family member. The one that tries her best to make us live life to the fullest.
Parties give me anxiety. The closeness and loud music just cause my nerves to stay on edge. The social pressure involved in parties certainly doesn’t help.
Leon loves the attention, dancing on guys until they beg him to sneak off into some self-made closet. There have even been times I had to play the mature one around him and stop the little guy from going too far.
Wait.
Leon.
I haven’t seen him or Ella since we got to the party. I’ve been too busy with Oliver.
Then. my eyes land on a guy walking through the room with a line of white dust under his nose.
My body stiffens at the thought of Leon alone, which Oliver notices as we stop swaying. “What’s up, princess?”
“Oliver,” I breathe with my mind racing at thoughts of Leon. He’s emotionally vulnerable right now. He’s here because he needed a break from Darien and to get away from his cheating ex-boyfriend. “How old are most of the people here?”
“Umm.” He raises his brow at the question. “I’m not sure of the exact ages, but anywhere from seventeen to twenty-two. Most of the time, these guys are just here for the summer.”
My blood pumps through my body, roaring in my ear to the point that I can’t hear him anymore. I want to have hope that Leon would walk away from someone older than him, but he’s vulnerable right now, and I haven’t seen him at all.
I unlatch myself from Oliver, walking away. It only takes a second for Oliver to be right on my heels. Damn, these fucking shoes. I could move faster if I weren’t in them.
“Sally, what’s going on?” His words fall on deaf ears as I weave through people trying to get refills or fuck.
It doesn’t matter if they are in my way.
Oliver’s arm reaches out and grabs my arm, and I instinctively try to pull away, but his grip tightens. My body turns, and our eyes meet. The confusion riddling his face hurts, but I need to find my little brother. I try to pull away again.
“What’s happening?” he asks in a low voice.
“Do people have drugs here?”
“I don’t know, probably.” His voice shows zero concern like it’s a normal party, but that simple answer has me pulling away even harder, and he lets go this time. “Sal, what’s going on? Why are you suddenly so freaked out?”
“The drugs.” My answer doesn’t remove any of the confusion or tension that’s suffocating me. “Where do people usually do drugs in this house?”
Oliver frowns. “Why are you asking?”
I can’t deal with this right now. I need to find Ella and get ahold of Mia. If Leon has anything in his system at all, we need to leave immediately.
Before even thinking, I’m off again to find Ella as Oliver continues after me, still prying for answers. All that matters is finding Leon.
I barge into the first room I see, and my eyes are filled with an interesting sight. Now I’m mentally checking to tell my sister I told you so.
Ella is making out with Jaxon. Or at least she was because they practically jumped apart.
Concentrate, Sal.
“Uhh,” Ella stutters. “Sally, we weren’t— I mean, nothing is—”
“Happy for you,” I say, quickly shutting her up. “But that doesn’t matter right now. I don’t know where Leon is.”
Ella frowns. “He’ll probably show up toward the end of the night.”
“I also saw someone with a line of coke under their nose.”
Her frown deepens, and her golden eyes fill with the same fiery intent that must be flaring up in mine.
“We need to find him,” she announces, looking behind me at Oliver and then at Jaxon.
“That’s pretty normal at one of these parties,” Jaxon says.