Finding My Way To You (Finding My Way #2)

Chapter 8

Chapter

Eight

KENDRIX

I arrived at Phoenix’s before her and sat on the porch waiting; her words from earlier were stuck in a loop in my head.

“You are so much more than you realize…”

I barely know who I am sometimes; one minute, I’m this man trying to fix everything everyone else messed up. But then I’m the frightened little boy from that yellow house, scared to come home and find his mom covered in her own blood.

Most of my adult life had been fixated on everything else… But who would take care of me? When will it be my turn for someone to have my back?

The sound of them pulling up to the house took me out of the headspace I didn’t want to be in. I only wanted to think of this project that my jewel has for me. Levi opened the door for her and kissed her forehead before signaling me to come down the stairs.

“I hope you know what you are doing.” His laser focus was on me; he messed up with the love of his life, so now I felt like he was always trying to coach others on what not to do.

“All I know is that woman right there is the diamond in the rough of my soul. I want to love her for as long as I can. Trust me, I don’t want to hurt her any more than I already have, but for the first time, I’m not focusing on all the wrong things. Life is still against us, but if it isn’t changing anytime soon, why can’t I soak up a little bit of her until she’s pried out of my heart?”

A lightbulb went off in my head recently, instead of me running away from her all this time and playing the waiting game. I should have soaked up every minute with her and let the chips fall where they lay. It was a battle of the mind to try and resist the one person my heart had been designed for.

Levi nodded in agreement, “I wish I had thought it safer to keep my love close to my heart instead of releasing her into the world. Now I’m starting to see that wherever she ended up might have been worse than what could have potentially happened to her by staying with me.”

That cryptic statement puzzled me for a second because as tight-lipped I was about my problems, so was he.

“When are we going to stop trying to save the world by ourselves and do this shit together?” I blew out a breath, exhausted by the secrecy.

Levi contemplated my statement for a second, “When we realize that we won’t judge each other by the burden of our sins.”

“Right.” I dapped him up and watched until he pulled off.

Walking into the house, I thought about my plans for tonight: to fill our souls up and hopefully fill her up. She was seated on the couch; her attire was barely there — a pair of tight shorts that were too small because her ass cheeks were playing peek-a-boo. The black lacy top had her breasts spilling over. The packs of hair surrounding her took me back to my childhood. My mama would drag me to the beauty supply store with her and then to the braiding shop because she was nervous about letting me stay home with him. He always wanted her to wear her hair in box braids but never cared about the long hours of maintenance it took to install them when he dragged her by those same braids.

“Are you okay? Nervous about this project?” Her teasing voice brought a smile to my face. She never knew how the sound of her voice calmed the pounding of my heart, and it has always been this way. When I would have nightmares when I moved in with Gran Lucy, Phoenix was the only one whose calm, kind, and sweet demeanor didn’t raise my fight or flight defenses. I used to get up early and stand by the hallway in the kitchen out of sight so I could hear her sing softly to herself or fuss back and forth with Lucy.

One day, I built enough courage to walk inside and utter more than a few words to her. As calming as she was for me she also made me equally nervous, I didn’t get the chance to talk to my mom about girls and the shit your body goes through when you meet one that you like. It was all so confusing until I talked to Pops about it and somehow he knew it was her.

He told me that Phoenix was precious to them and that while it was okay to like her, I needed to learn her to make sure I could be everything she needed. Pops also warned me to wait until we were good and grown to pursue anything with her. I respected the man so much that I promised him I would.

“No, what kind of man would I be to shy away from some manual labor? What do you have for me, baby?” I flashed her a smile; the flush in her cheeks was breathtaking. Her entire body flushed that way after reaching her peak, but it wouldn’t be any of that today. Phoenix thought she was slick. I would love nothing else but to be deep inside of her every day for this arrangement, but I have years of romance to make up for .

She would be ready to weather any storm beside me once it was all said and done, which is precisely how I needed her. I needed Phoenix to be so in love with me that she could hear anything and take the time to figure out how we manage together instead of her thinking she would be better off without me.

Even though it is true, sure she could find a man better for her than me. That’s a lie; no man would have dedicated years of his life to help the woman he loved carry something that should have never been hers to shoulder.

“You keep zoning out on me. Are you okay, Ken?” She was in my face, hair parted into tiny braids that I overlooked earlier. I tugged on one, wrapping my finger around the small coil on the end.

“I’m better now that you’re here.” I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her forehead, her nose, and sucked on her bottom lip. She trailed one hand up my back, with the other massaging the bulge in my pants; I hadn’t been with another woman in four years. God told me to prepare for my woman; the self-control I needed to attain physically and spiritually had been in practice for a while now.

“Alright, come on so we can get into your project.” I pulled back, giving her a knowing look at the wanton look in those pretty eyes. This was the second time I stopped a sexual encounter with her from going all the way; I knew she wouldn’t let me get away with a third .

“Kendrix, don’t tell me you forgot how to use it. Is that why you keep walking away from me?” This woman was crazy if she thought that silly statement of hers was actually true. I won’t fall for the trap she tried to set; her outfit was the first indicator of how she wanted this night to end.

“Jewel, please stop playing with me; when I’m ready to have you clenching the sheets and squeezing me to death, you will eat those words. I can fill your mouth with something else if you want something to do.” She tried to swat my arm but I moved in time and smacked her ass three times harder for messing with me.

“Ouch, stop it and get over here.” She sat on the floor and instructed me to sit on the couch with her between my legs.

Phoenix wanted to install faux locs, but she thought I knew how to do them because I have locs. But I have never been one to back down from a challenge. She pulled up a video online so I could get it. Once we got over my first three and she approved, we got into the swing of things.

“Hey, can we watch this sermon I saw online from this pastor I've been watching for a minute?” She paused her wrist twirling and turned around to face me. Her look was puzzlement, and I only felt a little embarrassed.

“Since when do you watch sermons?” Trying to keep my tone light, I said, “I used to watch them a lot when we were in college; it helped me through some rough times. Why do you sound so surprised?”

“It’s just that you don’t look like the type of man who believes in God; your power is charted like its own universe.” My heart jumped, but that was the farthest thing from the truth.

“Phoenix, I am nothing without my abba father; God has gotten me through the roughest times in my life. As a kid, I prayed that he would keep my mother safe while I was at school. He has given me all of his strength and power; without that, I’m a man with no direction, vision, or power. He’s given you me, time and time again, when I don’t deserve your grace or friendship. I'll be satisfied with you if God gives me nothing else in this world again.” Her mouth gaped open, and I kissed her lips softly. She grabbed my neck slightly choking me and deepened the kiss.

“That was very sweet. Turn the sermon on before I attack you.” She turned around and went back to wrapping her hair around the faux locs to blend her braid in.

I continued to assist her with this intimate act of love; the fact that she trusted me in her hair felt like I was doing something right. The preacher was speaking about asking God for forgiveness for sins that we committed. He mentioned that the punishment we put on ourselves isn’t how God treated us. God offers grace and mercy, but only after we repent. I don’t think I ever repented because I felt justified in righting the wrongs done to me. I have been on the hamster wheel trying to water the soil to a barren land.

My heart felt heavy, and I wanted to be alone, but the pastor said another point that shot me right in the heart.

“God created us for community and to do life together; we need each other to lean on. The problems you are facing right now are because you think you can handle everything yourself and can’t. Even Jesus needed the help of the disciples to do his ministries. Is your pride standing in the way? Are you afraid that people will judge you for the mistakes you made? Go to your Heavenly Father and let him comfort you; he will lead you to the right place. Ask him to drop people in your path to help you; use the ones he has already placed in your life.”

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it came out anyway, and I cried. I cried for the version of me that never got to be a kid. I cried for the version of me that felt unworthy of the woman sitting here. I cried for the messes of others that I had to clean up.

“I surrender, Father… please help me.”

PHOENIX

Kendrix’s hands stopped moving, and the low groans coming from behind startled me. I turned to find him weeping as quietly as he could with his head in his hands. My hands trembled when I reached to lay a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t respond to my touch.

“Kendrix, are you okay?” I got up, and my legs felt weak for a moment because I hadn’t moved them in an hour since we sat down. He didn’t answer. He cried harder; I did the only thing I knew how.

Pray.

“Dear God, I ask that you comfort Kendrix in his time of need. His broken heart is calling out for you; please help him. Whatever burden he is carrying, allow him to realize that you are a burden bearer. He doesn’t have to do it all alone anymore; show him how to surrender to your will for his life. Keep him in perfect peace, Jesus.” I sat on the couch beside him and pulled his head into my lap. He laid down with his face turned away; he didn’t want me to see him like this. But if he didn’t feel comfortable sharing his vulnerable side with me, who did he have to be a safe space with?

I didn’t push him to look at me, though. Kendrix was like a deer; you had to move carefully and quietly not to startle them. My fingertips lightly caressed his side profile, the tears falling silently down his sharp cheekbones, splattering on my soul. One by one, breaking the walls I kept up to save myself from further destruction, I rubbed his scalp through the row and row of locs. A song Grandma Lucy used to sing to me came to mind .

Singing has always been a point of peace for me, and I hoped it would comfort him too. I started low, humming the medley at first until the words filled my heart with conviction. Whatever my issues are, the woes of life, no matter how big or small. It is well, with my soul.

I sang that part over and over and over again until his tears dried up.

Until his heart rate calmed down to the steady beat of peace.

He turned to face me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and dosed off.

My hair needed to be finished, so I stayed up and did the rest. Thankfully, I wanted the bob length so the hair didn’t tickle his face too much. Kendrix never moved from that spot; when I wiggled some, he held on tighter. Time kept moving, but I remained planted with this man and his heavy heart.

My alarm went off at 6 a.m. I usually start my morning routine with a quick workout, breakfast, and Bible study. I tried to reach for my phone to turn off, but something was holding me back.

“What in the…” Looking down, I found a familiar hand wrapped around my waist. The gold bracelet he always wore hugged his wrist. His veins were dancing th rough his beautiful body, and even his hands were sexy. What didn’t I find attractive about this man? It’s truly sickening how I felt my center tingling from looking at those hands; she remembered what those hands did to her a few weeks ago.

For someone who is supposed to enter into a strictly sexual arrangement with someone, he sure has been very stingy with the subject of my dreams lately, resting against my back. Maybe he just needed a wake-up call. I moved my hips in small circles, not too much pressure to wake him but enough to alert his manhood. It twitched underneath my grooves, and Kendrix’s arms tightened around me.

I pulled the covers off him slightly and saw he only wore his boxers to bed. He must have changed when he carried us to bed. Pulling the boxers down enough to free him was as beautiful as I remembered. It sprang straight up; Kendrix’s length surprised you at first glance. Under average guises, it seemed manageable until it continued to sprout up like a sunflower. It was growing and growing to a greater size, a size that used to intimidate me. The light brown mushroom head dripped with precum; I grasped it and slowly explored him. My touch was light, and I wanted to familiarize myself with what made him ooze.

“Jewel…” Kendrix croaked out, voice heavy with lust and sleep. The husky tone made my body tingle .

I looked up at him to see him assaulting his bottom lip with his canines.

“How does that feel, Ken?” I smirked, not wanting to talk much because I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet, and it surely would change the mood.

Kendrix said nothing at first, and I felt his hand creeping into my shorts. My bare core met his fingers in a creamy caress.

“As good as this is about to feel, I bet I can have you screaming first. You’re already soaking my fingers, baby.” He teased my lips by not touching where I needed him to touch.

“Bet.” Why is everything a competition between us?

I licked the palm of my hand and used the precum from his tips to massage his dick, just as he rubbed my clit torturously slow and it felt so good. Being with him in this way felt right. I never had this feeling of wholeness with anyone else.

Kendrix knew how to work my body to his pleasure, and from the rumbling in his chest, so did I. The faster I moved my hands, the quicker he stroked in and out of me.

“I can’t hear you, Jewel. Tell me, is this what you wanted? I mean, this is what you've been waiting for, right?” He gritted out, each word spoken fluently in lust.

“Almost…” I moaned, unable to string to gether more than a few words. I rocked against his fingers and tried to get him there first. Kendrix has always been generous with his time, efforts, and friendships. He stopped at nothing to ensure that the people around him were well taken care of, me included.

“Ken baby, I’m almost there.” I kept up my pace, needing to make him feel everything he had been giving to me. He grabbed my waist and planted my pussy right in his face.

“Me — Oh shit Nix.” I licked the shaft, following each vein with my tongue; I pulled him into my mouth and matched my motions with his. The euphoric feeling of completion started from the tips of my toes. I fondled his balls and hallowed out my cheeks, bringing him to his release in time for us to fall together.

“Fuck baby!” Kendrix moaned so loud that it vibrated through my head and straight into my heart. I popped him out of my mouth and rode his fingers until my legs stopped twitching. The shower he released was raining down on me, his love.

Kendrix flipped me over, grabbed my neck, and pulled me up to stare at me.

“Good morning to you, too.” He kissed my forehead.

“Morning.” I straddled him and wanted to keep this party going,

He must have read my thoughts, “As much as I would love to continue this baby, I need to go to work, and so do you. It’s been five years, 23 days, a whole lot of hours since I been inside you. There is no way in hell we will rush that; I need all day and all night. Now let’s go shower before we are late for work. I know how you feel about not arriving somewhere on time.” I pouted but said nothing because he was right. I prided myself on being one of the first people at the café.

He gave me one last squeeze before lifting me off of him. I went into the bathroom to do my morning routine before turning on the shower. My faux locs were still tight from last night, but I managed to wrangle them in a giant bun. Thank God I got an extra-large shower cap specifically for this moment.

Kendrix joined me in the shower, and my body immediately started humming. His locs were in a messy bun, and the water cascading down his chest didn’t help my predicament. He flashed me that devilish smile, and I rolled my eyes at the pool of essence washing away with the water.

“Come here, baby; I didn’t get a chance to take care of you last night.” My shower made me fall in love with this place. It came with a waterfall shower head, and the size could fit at least two more people.

“You took care of me this morning, Kendrix, so don’t worry about it.” I teased, walking closer to him until we were chest-to-chest. My nipples perked up and pressed against his beautiful skin .

Kendrix took my African net from me and washed my back first. His touch was very gentle. I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, Phoenix; I wanted to bathe you and rub your feet. Take care of you in this way; me sexing you isn’t the only way you need to be taken care of. I need to penetrate your heart so that I can overrun your soul as you do mine. You want this arrangement to be about sex, and I want romance, so I need you to let your walls down for now, baby. Can you let yourself feel for me?” I wasn’t ready to have this conversation again, but he already runs through my mind all day. Even though my dreams are filled with him, I need to be honest with myself. There’s nowhere this man can live but in the permanent place of my heart.

“Tell me how you feel about me, Kendrix, and don’t hold back. I don’t want to hear anything about whatever is happening or what has been holding you back. I need to hear your heart.” If we were going to do this thing, I needed to know how he felt. If he doesn’t feel everything I feel for him, I can treat this in my head and heart like a friends-with-benefits situation. I can put the strongest soldiers around the walls of my heart to save myself from heartache.

Kendrix moved back, putting some distance between us before he grabbed my jaw so I could stare into his eyes. He looked ethereal, with the sunlight lightly flickering past the water droplets on his face.

“You are one of the most important people in my life. I hold you to the highest standard of grace, elegance, and esteem. My life was forever changed when I walked through the doors of Grandma Lucy’s and laid eyes on you. I think I fell in love at first glance; I remember not wanting to let go of your hand because it was the first time I felt peace. That’s what you are to me, my peace. The peace in my chaotic life, all the screams, sirens, and memories of the past, are brought to silence when I look at you. I love you, but that doesn’t quite sum up how I feel; that seems too basic. That’s how I feel about you, Phoenix Diamond McClain; I want you to be my wife one day and the mother of my children. But?—”

I put my fingers to his lips to stop him from whatever he was about to say. I don’t need to hear anything else. Kendrix wasn’t the best at expressing himself, but he did a damned good job. My heart felt every word, and it was good enough to be comfortable to lend him my heart for now.

“Don’t spoil it. That was sweet; thank you for telling me.” He nodded and then went back to washing every inch of my body. I returned the favor, and we quickly got dressed before heading downstairs. Kendrix had a bag of clothes he kept in his car.

“Come on, I will drop you off; I don’t want this feeling to evaporate once we separate,” Kendrix said when I grabbed my car keys. I am hungry, but I will grab something at work.

I blushed at him and took his hand. He squeezed it before kissing the back of my hand. Kendrix helped me into the car, and we pulled off quickly.

When “Late at Night” was playing on his phone, I turned in his direction once he started mumbling the words. It sounded like he could hold a tune from here. He smirked and glided his hand, which was resting on my thigh, farther up, closer to my treasure. My breath hitched for a second in anticipation of his next move.

“I have some stuff to handle at work today, so I won’t be able to stop in at lunch, but Maddy has strict instructions to ensure you eat something at lunch.” He stopped his stroll and strummed his fingers to the beat of a Destiny’s Child remix. I’m shocked that he has this song on his phone.

“I didn’t know you were a Destiny’s Child fan, and wait, what do you mean strict instructions?” We pulled up in front of Just Expresso and were the first ones there.

Kendrix turned the car off and grabbed my hand. “You tend to think work is more important than your health. Maddy has been making sure you eat for the past two years after I gave her a debit card to ensure you get whatever you need for lunch. Someone has to look out for you, Jewel. This album goes so hard; it’s a classic; my mom used to have it on repeat in the house; she would close her eyes to imagine a life better than the one we had. She used always to say, ‘Kendrix baby, this is only a season we are going through; we will get through this. You hold on to God and stay strong.’.

“I never saw it like she did, but you know she was right. I only had to endure the storm to get here with you.” The only reason I haven’t passed out at work from exhaustion is Madison’s daily reminders to take a break and eat. Knowing that Kendrix was behind made me reevaluate my thoughts about him not caring about me.

“I appreciate that, Kendrix. Thank you.” I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek, and of course, he turned his head in time to catch my lips in a sweet and innocent sensual kiss. We sat in the car kissing like two teenagers again. It reminded me of the time he stole my first kiss.

“Listen, yuh two will get along, and I mean that. Kendrix Morgan, yuh better stop being mean to me baby and Phoenix. I don’t want to hear yuh using dat language, or it’s yuh and me. Yuh understand, Gyal?” Gran went on for another twenty minutes, cursing us out in Patois.

Kendrix and I were having our third fight of the week. He was so frustrating! I was in the kitchen minding my business, trying out a new recipe, and singing my favorite love songs when he came in with an attitude I quickly ignored. But of course, he wanted to sit there and torment me. He kept complaining about my noise level, but no one told him to do his homework at the table. This house has over eight rooms; he could have picked anywhere else.

“See, look at what you did. Now I gotta hear her mouth for the next two hours.” He grumbled and then stalked out of the kitchen. I quickly followed him because I had been nothing but nice to him, but he didn’t want that; he wanted me to curse him out.

He walked down the trail towards the beach, and what I wanted to say to him didn’t need to be overheard by anyone else.

“You know what,” I yelled and pushed him, causing him to stumble and almost fall. With lightning speed, Kendrix was in my face with my hands pinned down to my side. He seemed to sprout like weeds over these past few years, and now, at sixteen years old, he looked worse than he did before. He was more attractive, more mature, more than everything that I could handle. My body didn’t respond the same anymore; it was strange. Now I felt tiny butterflies floating underneath the surface of my skin, and my heart always beat three times faster when I heard his voice. He didn’t even have to be in the same room as me.

“Listen, don’t put your hands on me, Phoenix. I understand that you are upset but you don’t get to hit me. Do you understand?” The octave of his voice had gone down three steps, it was too much. His hold on me didn’t hurt and he was so close that I could see him trying to hold back tears.

I immediately felt bad because this isn’t me; I didn’t put my hands on people unless warranted. If a girl was messing with the boys, especially Brian then we would do more than talk. Just because he pissed me off it didn’t give me the right to hit him, Pops used to tell me that all the time. If I had a problem with a boy, I had to say something to one of the guys and let them handle it.

“I’m sorry, I got upset because it feels like you have been picking on me all week. Did I do something that hurt you? If I did, I’m really sorry.” He shut his eyes and violently shook his head.

“No I have been the biggest asshole lately, it’s just that my mom’s birthday is coming up and we usually spend it together but we obviously can’t do it this year. I been down about it all week, and I thought being around you would help me.” I forgot his mom is in jail for the murder of his father.

“Oh no, Kendrix, I am sorry to hear that; I know it probably doesn’t mean anything, but it’s true. But why did you think being so close to me would change anything for you?” I don’t know how to describe our relationship; my relationships with Brian and Levi were different than with him. Brian, my cousin, feels like an older brother, and Levi acts like him. They both spoil me like the youngest sibling but Kendrix doesn’t fall in that same category.

His hold on me loosened, and he started rubbing small circles on the inside of my wrist. It felt nice.

“You are going to make fun of me for what I’m about to say,” He started but then stopped and returned the smile I gave him in encouragement to keep going.

“No, I won’t. You can say it: You and I don’t have the same joking relationship as Lee and Bry Bry. For some reason, I take you more seriously than them.”

“The sound of your voice helps me; I know it sounds weird, but you have a calming effect on me.” My heart stopped beating for a whole second.

“Wow, I didn’t know that. So why have you been being mean? I don’t understand.” He looked down at his feet and took a deep breath before staring back at me.

Kendrix looked like he wanted to say something, but then he did it instead. He looked from my eyes to my lips and then back up again. I stood there frozen until he leaned forward in slow motion and pressed his lips against mine. It was short and barely there, but my heart felt it. My lips didn’t get a chance to move in response, so I closed my eyes and kissed him back. Never have I kissed anyone before. I had no idea if I was doing it right or wrong, but it still made my heart soar.

Kendrix lightly held my chin and turned his face to the side to deepen the kiss, and I wrapped my arms around him in response. Time moved on, but we stayed centered tethered to each other, expressing what we both were too afraid to say.

“Girl, we need to have a girl’s night again. I need to catch up with you. Let’s go to your house for a while before my fiancé comes to pick me up.” Makayla said. She was sent here to make sure I got home safe.

“Why did they send you here? No offense, but what are you going to do if something goes down?” I teased her and locked up for the night.

She snorted at me, “Girl, let’s not forget I know how to shoot, and I make sure it is locked and loaded each and every time. What skills do you have, Ms. Sweet-and-Innocent?” I was appalled because who does she think I am? Would I consider myself one with my inner child? Absolutely but Gran Lucy raised me, so I am my grandmother’s granddaughter.

“For your information, I know how to shoot too, but I don’t carry it around because what if it accidentally goes off?” We looked at each other and started laughing at the same time.

I got in the car, and she rode passenger princess style; Brian dropped her off, promising us a few hours to ourselves. “Come on, Kay Kay, you know Gran didn’t play that; I can defend myself if something happens, and there is nothing wrong with choosing to be more childlike. I was shielded a lot as a child due to the men in my life, and I love that life's woes and deep traumas haven’t gotten to me yet. Now cut it out and tell me what movie you want to watch tonight.” We sang all of our favorite songs in the car; she started fighting tooth and nail over our debate that “The Boy is Mine” is better than “Same Script Different Cast. ”

“Get out of the car with that nonsense, Kay; Whitney Houston was literally the best to have done it. The musicality is better, and the ad-libs are heaven-sent; I’m not saying Brandy didn’t do her best, but let’s be real.”

“Nix, you are insane, girl. Did you not hear Monica on the track?!” Makayla walked in first with her emergency key, and we both had keys to each other’s homes.

“Can you check to see if I have any wine in the fridge, I am going to shower real quick.” I took a little longer in the shower than I planned but my shower playlist was lit.

Makayla was waiting downstairs, already sipping on some wine. She even pulled out a few snacks. A bouquet similar to the one from work yesterday was sitting on the counter. The hairs on my arms stood up when I remembered Kendrix’s response to the note.

“Look at what came for you, sis; Kendrix sent you these flowers with this note. Here, read it; I won’t invade your privacy.”

To hear the moans coming out of those luscious lips of yours made me hard, but the fact that you called his name instead of mine pissed me off. But I don’t want to punish you. I want to love you. Phoenix, I promise we will be together one day soon; I need to eliminate that waste of space. You need to stay away from him; he’s not good for you.

-P.S. He’s not who you think he is.

“Where did you get this from, Makayla?” Surprisingly, my voice didn’t shake, but my hands were trembling.

She sat down the glass of wine, looking at my face. “Umm, there was a knock on the door when you went upstairs, and the flowers were sitting there. I didn’t see anyone, so maybe the delivery driver left. What’s the matter? Do I need to call Brian?” I took a deep breath before answering in a false brave manner.

“Yes, ask him to come and get us; movie night, at your house tonight.”