Chapter 12 #3
Lisa had made it for dinner when she brought Logan home to meet her, she’d made it when she graduated from ASU, when she got the offer on her first big girl job… she’d lacked reasons to make it for too long.
“Thank you for sharing it with me,” he said, sipping his whiskey. “I’d make you something my dad was known for, but the man never lifted a finger in the kitchen. Mom cooks everything from scratch.” He lit up at the mention of his mother.
She smiled as she swirled her glass. “You really admire her, huh?”
“I hate to do this to you, because you’re already clearly so enamored with me, but my mom and I have a great relationship. Not one of those weird mother-son relationships either. We text daily, and we get lunch every Wednesday. Sunday night dinners. The whole nine.”
“You have to stop talking,” she said. “You’re funny, close with your mom, spend more time in therapy than out of it, communicate clearly, you’re very good with your hands… your only flaw is that you don’t want to bestow any of that on someone long term?”
Milo nodded slowly. “No one can be perfect.”
“What a waste,” she laughed.
Milo folded his arms. “I did date when I was younger. I dated a lot. But you’ll find that it’s really hard to be with someone who doesn’t get what you’re dealing with, and it’s even harder to be with someone who does.
You can’t hide from them. I know you and Logan were together for a long time, and I’m sure he cared about your mother, but it’s not the same for him.
He lost someone he cared about, but you lost your origin story.
It’s a whole piece of you that’s just gone. ”
Hanna held her breath as he spoke, counting all the pieces of her that vanished in an instant.
“I’ve tried dating non-members of the Dead Parent Society, but I need someone who can actually sit with me in the hard moments.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but even fifteen years later, it’ll still punch you right in the goddamn face.
I had girlfriends who didn’t understand why I prioritize my family the way I do, or why I struggle to get out of bed when spring rolls around.
There aren’t a lot of people our age who have been through it. ”
Hanna nodded, taking another bite of pasta. She missed the noodle and nipped her tongue, a sharp pain jolting her as she found herself trying to escape his point.
“And even if I found someone who did get it, then this whole other side of me starts to panic. What if I made someone love me and then just die and leave them?”
“A fourth therapist might be able to crack that,” Hanna said.
Milo scoffed. “Maybe.”
“So what you’re saying is, you’re just healed enough to function, but still ridiculously fucked up.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “That.”
“Fascinating.”
Milo watched the sunset over her shoulder, pressing his lips together.
“People fear losing their loved ones, but people like us know that’s not the scary part. There’s nothing to it. They’re here and then they aren’t. It’s finding yourself after that’s truly terrifying.”
Hanna considered this. “I think that’s why I’m so stuck.
” She took a long sip of her drink, the slow burn just enough feeling to push the rest of her thoughts out.
“I start to see a version of myself that’s less exhausted, and I shut it down.
If I’m not a falling-apart mess, if I can wake up without immediately wanting to go back to sleep…
” Her throat swelled around the next thought.
“Moving on feels like signing the papers to stop treatment again.”
She swallowed, his eyes softening. The worst part about Milo was that he understood the darkest paths in her mind. He saw the pain, and he didn’t judge it, but he didn’t let her hide it either.
The tears started slowly enough, but then they hit all at once, choking her as the sob she’d been suppressing for months ripped through her chest. Milo did not hesitate to stand and pull her into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug while she let it all go.
It came in crashing waves, the breath in her lungs fighting to break through the crush.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped.
Milo smoothed her hair. “I’m not.” He let her cry in his arms before he eventually moved her to his bed, curling around her while she shattered into a thousand pieces until she finally passed out.
When she woke up the next morning, the dishes were done and the sunflowers had moved from the dinner table to the coffee table with a hot latte and a promise to see her soon.
She was halfway through the latte when she got a text.
ALWAYS ANSWER
I’ve never seen someone sleep as hard as you did last night.
HANNA
I don’t think I’ve slept for more than three hours at a time in a year.
ALWAYS ANSWER
You can cry yourself to sleep in my arms anytime.
Sorry I had to leave early this morning. Got called in for an emergency.
HANNA
That’s okay! I’m going to take the day off. Maybe go for gold and cry in public.
ALWAYS ANSWER
That’s my girl.
She stared at her phone, the last three words doing something to her stomach she knew was a red flag, wrapped in caution tape, steeped in misery.
And yet, she smiled.
Stupid, idiotic, so very dumb.