Chapter 24 #2
“I see,” Brantley said, slowly turning to walk out of his room. When he got to his door, he stopped, looked at Daniel, and tried to mentally prepare himself for what was about to happen. “Well, congratulations,” he said as Daniel took hold of the suitcase handle and walked toward him.
When they were standing only inches apart, Daniel reached out, but this time, Brantley was the one to step away. He wasn’t sure what reaction Daniel’s touch would incite in him.
“Brantley—”
“Don’t. Don’t do that. I’m really proud of you, Finn,” he managed, though he wasn’t sure how with the knot in his throat. “This is everything I could’ve hoped for you.”
Beep! Beep! And there was the taxi.
“You better go,” he said, willing himself to keep it together as Daniel’s eyes trailed over him.
“This was?—”
“Yeah, I know,” he said, not wanting to hear. Unable to at this stage.
He clenched his jaw and fought back the emotions that were threatening to break him. He’d done this before, said goodbye to this man. He could do it again and survive— right?
When it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else, Daniel nodded and walked down the hall to the front door, the whir of the suitcase the only sound.
Brantley stepped out of his bedroom and into the hall to watch him go.
As the distance stretched between them, and the old wound gaped open as though newly cut, Brantley thought it was a miracle he was still standing.
It might have had something to do with the wall he was hanging on to, but when Daniel opened the door and glanced back, he ordered himself not to crumble.
If this were the last time he’d see Daniel, then he didn’t want the man to remember him broken.
God , this was harder than he’d ever thought it would be. Who knew that the second cut would be even deeper than the first?
As Daniel rolled his suitcase out the door and pulled it shut behind him, Brantley lowered his hand from the wall and felt it shake.
The silence quickly swallowed his home up—and him along with it—as he staggered to his door to lock it. Then he turned around and slid to the floor. The same place where he’d first mourned the loss of Daniel Finley.
AS THE CAB pulled away from Brantley’s home and drove toward the main road, Daniel kept telling himself, Keep your fucking eyes forward, keep them forward. But the farther the car drove, the harder it was to stay put, and the trembling in his hands wouldn’t stop.
He’d known days ago that it was going to be hard to leave again after all of this, but he’d thought he would have longer to prepare.
Longer to get over the body rush, the pleasure he’d been lost inside…
But no. Reality had come earlier than either of them had expected, and it was just about killing him because the expression in Brantley’s eyes had been so fucking sad.
And that was the last memory of him Daniel would have.
Resting his head back on the seat, he shut his eyes and cursed the fact that he was forever destined to love the one man he could never have.
All over again, he was going to have to forget.
All over again, he was going to have to stop reaching for him.
And all over again, he was going to have to reconstruct the wall he’d erected, and smashed down, in the name of Brantley Hayes.
“HONEY, I’M HOME,” Daniel called out as he walked through Brantley’s back door and threw his bag on the floor.
Final exams were over, letters were coming in from the law schools he’d applied to, and life, as far as he was concerned, was pretty fucking amazing.
Now, if only he could find…
“Ahh, there you are,” he said as he walked into the kitchen.
Brantley was sitting at his kitchen table. When he looked up, the strain on his face had Daniel rushing over to him.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he pulled a chair out and sat, looking at the piece of paper Brantley had a death grip on.
“Yes. I’m okay.”
Daniel placed a hand on his arm and tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure? Because you look…worried.”
Brantley pushed his chair back and got to his feet, and Daniel turned to watch him as he paced back and forward, whatever the paper was still clutched in his hand.
He was starting to freak out. Is he sick?
“Brantley, what’s wrong?”
Brantley stopped when he was on the other side of the kitchen and then rounded back to face him. “You have to promise not to get mad.”
Well, fuck. Whenever someone started a sentence like that, it never usually ended great, but Daniel couldn’t think of a reason he would be mad at Brantley.
They’d been together for nearly three and a half years, and he knew him almost as well as he knew himself.
They also had a one hundred percent honesty policy between the two of them, so whatever Brantley wanted to tell him, it obviously couldn’t be that bad, or he’d already have heard about it.
“Okay…” Daniel said, his stomach churning.
Brantley fingered the top of the piece of paper in his hand before coming over and handing it to him. Daniel took it and turned it around. He still hadn’t taken his eyes off Brantley, who was now walking back across the room to where he’d been standing and running an agitated hand through his hair.
“What is this?” Daniel asked, finally looking at the paper he was holding. The first thing he saw was: It is our great pleasure to offer you admission to the University of Chicago Law School… And that was as far as he got before he continued to read that same line over and over.
When he finally realized what he was holding, he looked up at the man wringing his hands together and shot out of his seat like a rocket had just gone off under him. As he thrust the paper out in front of him, his anger boiled to the surface.
Then he demanded again, “What is this, Brantley?”
“Finn, don’t get ? —”
“What the fuck is it?”
“It’s…” Brantley held his hands up. “It’s an acceptance letter to the University of ? —”
“I know that ,” Daniel said, and marched over until he was standing directly in front of Brantley. “What I don’t understand is how the fuck they are accepting me, since I didn’t apply.”
“Finn.”
“Don’t fucking Finn me. We had this conversation. I said no. But you sent it anyway?”
Brantley rubbed a hand over his face and then dropped it to his side. “Yes. Okay? Fuck, Daniel. You are so damn bright. The most intelligent student to step through my doors in years, and I would not be doing what I thought was best for you if I didn’t give you this opportunity.”
Daniel tried to remain calm, but he couldn’t seem to battle the hurt and anger raging up inside him, because Brantley had gone behind his back and done this without even considering what he wanted.
“I don’t fucking want it!” he shouted, slapping the paper on Brantley’s chest. He went to yank his hand back, but Brantley was too quick and wrapped his hands around his wrists, pulling him in so he couldn’t move.
“Finn,” he said again, but this time, his voice was low as he rested his forehead against Daniel’s.
“It’s two years. Two years and then you can do whatever you like.
Come home, practice here—whatever you want.
But you owe this to yourself. You are too smart to pass up the opportunity of one of the most prestigious schools wanting you to study with them. ”
Daniel shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. He didn’t want this. Didn’t want to leave here. Leave Brantley. But he was pushing him away. He’d arranged the entire thing.
“I don’t want it,” he whispered again as a tear slipped free and a shudder racked his body.
Brantley touched his fingers under his chin and raised his face so they were looking at one another. “You need to do this, Finn.”
“But I don’t want to.”
“I know. But you need to anyway. I’ll write—I promise. And I’ll still be here when you come back,” Brantley said as he leaned forward and placed his lips to his ear. “Go. Go and be brilliant.”
There was no fighting the tears now, and when Daniel pulled away and stared at Brantley, he saw the determined set to his jaw and the thin line of his lips, just as they’d been years ago when they’d first met and Brantley had told him that they would never be more than teacher and student.
How wrong he was.
Numb, Daniel stepped away from the stranger telling him to leave, and like a zombie, he headed toward the front door, forgetting that he’d dumped his bag in the living room. When he reached it, he turned around, and Brantley was directly behind him.
“And if I don’t go? If I stay?”
Something soft flashed in Brantley’s eyes, but then it was gone and they were hard as flint as he reached around him and unlocked the door. When it was open wide, he looked at Daniel and white-knuckled the handle. Then he said the only words that would’ve ever made him leave.
“I don’t want that…”
“You don’t want me …in other words.”
Brantley’s jaw ticked, but he remained silent while he staggered back as though he’d been shot through the heart. And as Daniel stood there on Brantley’s threshold, he watched him slowly shut the door with a pained look on his face, severing their connection.
Daniel wasn’t sure how long he stood there, staring at the closed door, which felt as impenetrable as iron in that moment.
But then, as if his brain had finally caught up with what had just happened, he stepped back up to the door and tried to turn the knob.
When it wouldn’t budge, he glared at it, balled his fist, and then pounded on it.
“Brantley!”
There was no answer from inside as he called out again and banged louder.
“Brantley! You can’t do this to us!” he shouted as he rested his forehead on the door.
His blood was rushing around his head, and the vein in his temple pulsed as he tried to calm himself.
But it was no use, as his heart hammered inside his chest and his breathing became rapid.
Anxiety overwhelmed him as he realized exactly what Brantley was doing.
He was pushing him away, shutting him out. And Daniel wasn’t going to let him.
Taking a deep inhale, he banged again, determined to get a reaction from the man he somehow knew was just inside the door. “Let me in!” he called out. “I know you can hear me, Brantley. Let me back in! Let me talk to you about this. We need to talk…”
As he waited for some kind of response, the only sounds were his heavy breathing and the way he would sniff back the tears that were threatening. When it was clear Brantley wasn’t about to unlock the door, he flattened his palm on the wood.
“You can’t do this,” he whispered.
The tears streamed down his face as he slid to the ground with the stupid piece of paper in his hand. He clutched it in a stranglehold as if he could kill it, make it vanish, while his heart broke apart in his chest and he curled up against the door.
“I can’t do this without you,” he said, sobbing, putting his hand on the door. “I don’t want to…”
He must’ve stayed there for hours, until the sun set and his entire body hurt from the pain of it splitting in half.
When the night sky settled around him, he somehow got to his feet, looked at the door, and ripped the acceptance letter to pieces before dropping it on the front porch he swore he would never set foot on again.
If Brantley Hayes wanted him gone…
Then he would fucking go.