17 #4
Felix stopped, his breath shallow. Asta reached for him again, but he put his hand on her chest, above her heart. ‘Are you sure? Is this really okay?’
A small part of Asta wavered, but what good would it do to keep pretending Felix was a stranger? The secret was out. As for Pikki’s stupid lie about the scholarship? Pikki was obviously jealous of her and Felix. People would see that.
‘Your magic cord,’ she said. ‘Conjure it. Right now.’
Felix did what she asked. His shirt had pulled halfway out of his waistband exposing a tempting sliver of skin.
‘Put it on me,’ she said, extending her arm to him.
He did as he was told. His fingers tickled her wrist, which filled her with longing.
‘Now, go over there.’ She pointed across the room to the cabinets. ‘You said it only works if I want it to, right? So try it. See if I want this.’ She nodded to him.
Felix tested the cord, and it tugged at her wrist.
‘Is that all you got?’ she teased, a smile creeping across her face. ‘Are you sure you want it?’
He pulled, and it was urgent now, forceful.
She tightened her arm. ‘Pull me to you, Felix.’
He pulled again, and she gave way one little step. His eyes were locked on hers. Asta’s chest heaved with quickening breaths.
He pulled harder, and her socks slid on the wooden floorboards.
With one final tug, she toppled forward into his arms.
She looked into his eyes. They were dark and deep and full of desire. ‘What does your little magic string tell you?’ He stared at her, waiting for her to say it. ‘Yes, I want this. Yes.’
Without a word, he knelt in front of her and lifted her T-shirt and began kissing the bare skin of her navel, her ribs.
He bit at the edge of her brassiere and kissed the valley between her breasts as he raised himself back to standing.
Asta couldn’t contain her gasps as he worked his way up her body.
He lifted her shirt the rest of the way over her head and was immediately at her neck and mouth with his kisses. His lips were salty and his breath hot.
Asta put her hand under his shirt and traced her fingers over his skin, smooth and taut.
She snaked her hands to his sleeves and helped him out of his shirt.
They were drawn together, as if the cord was still pulling on them both, though Felix had dropped the magic charge and let the shimmering line fade away.
Somehow, the places where their skin touched felt both cool and hot at the same time.
The slide of his body against hers was almost more than Asta could comprehend.
Her brain was swimming in the sensation.
They kissed, and she thought that this would be her life now – kissing Felix – this was the whole world.
But some treasonous part of Asta’s mind began whispering all her fears to her. What if she couldn’t hold on to her dreams and Felix at the same time? What if she had made a mistake coming here? What if Pikki wasn’t lying?
‘What’s the matter?’ Felix asked, sensing the change in her, the sudden distance between them. Over his shoulder, the window glowed bright with the rich orange light of the fading sun. ‘Did I do something wrong? Tell me what’s good for you.’
Asta squeezed her eyes shut. Please, brain, she pleaded. Not now. Just shut up for one hour. Please!
But it was hopeless.
‘I’m just – I keep thinking about this afternoon. With Pikki. She really got to me.’
Felix pressed his lips together. ‘She won’t say another word, I promise. I’ll take care of it.’
Asta swept her hair forward over her shoulder, suddenly a little self-conscious. She flipped the blonde strands back and forth over her thumb. ‘I am not asking you to “take care of it”. Just tell me she’s—’ Asta lifted her eyes to Felix’s. ‘She is lying, right?’
He ran a hand up and down Asta’s side, like he was trying to soothe her. The gesture made Asta feel queasy somehow.
‘Tell me it’s not true that . . .’ Asta didn’t want to say it. ‘That I’m only here because your parents . . .’
He should be stopping her, correcting her.
He should be telling her that Pikki was a liar and that Asta had gotten into Pillar because she deserved it.
But he just stood there, his face flushed, and there was something more than desire reddening his cheeks.
He looked guilty, like he was hiding something.
Tears sprang to Asta’s eyes. ‘So, I didn’t—’ She took several halting steps away from him and sank into one of the chairs at the table by the window. ‘I don’t belong here.’
‘Asta, no. You do. I always knew you could do it. That’s why I—’
‘You did this?’ She felt like she had been cracked open, and everything inside of her was draining away.
Felix stretched his hands out, reaching for her but rooted in place. ‘No. No. Remember? I was going to defer. I told them I wasn’t going without you. Asta, you were there.’
Asta remembered the look of panic on his parents’ faces. ‘No one said anything about a scholarship.’
‘Mom suggested it later,’ Felix said with a weak smile. ‘And it kind of solved everything. I knew you wouldn’t take it if you knew, so we didn’t tell you.’ He looked apologetic, his hands spread open, gesturing aimlessly in front of him. ‘But you deserve it.’
Asta crossed her arms over her bare belly, feeling suddenly very vulnerable and very stupid. ‘I didn’t get in! They bought my way in.’
‘Who cares? It’s all just politics anyway. This school. This whole sport. It’s so dumb.’
Asta got to her feet and grabbed her shirt off the floor. She yanked it back on, her elbow sticking in the side. Felix reached out to help, but she pulled away from him.
‘Come on, Asta, please. I’m sorry. It’s really not that big a deal.’
The fire in Asta’s belly raged. ‘You’ve completely screwed me!
Now everyone knows that I’m nothing more than a favor to you.
What is going to happen to me after this?
I can’t very well race for your family, can I?
I’m not a Seraphin. But anyone who takes me on would have your family looking over their shoulder.
Yeah, it’s all political, and I’m fucked!
This was my future, and you completely fucked it up. ’
‘I was just trying to help.’ His voice was even, controlled.
‘You said you wanted to race. You might not like it, but this was the only way you had a shot. This sport is competitive. Most Pillar grads don’t even make it to the big leagues.
’ He laughed once, a dry and scoffing sound.
‘No one becomes a racer by working their way up from the stables, Asta. Not even you could pull that off. It doesn’t matter how you got here.
You’re here. I get that you’re disappointed. But that’s life.’
He had never believed she was good enough. He just wanted to control her. He didn’t want her doing anything without him to monitor it, manipulate it.
‘You arrogant prick. “That’s life”?’ She felt like the room was collapsing on her. ‘It’s my life. You do know that, right? I’m not your plaything.’
Felix’s anger rose to meet hers. ‘What are you talking about? For the past year, I have been playing by your rules, Asta.’ He bent to pick up his own shirt, putting it on with short, brusque movements.
‘We had to pretend like we didn’t even know each other.
All so I wouldn’t spoil your game as the poor little outsider, doing it all alone.
You’re so judgmental of me, of my family.
I don’t know why I put up with it. You’re just as prejudiced as anyone here, you know that?
You hate that I have connections, that I have money, that my name matters to people.
You were terrified people would think you were getting help from me.
But guess what? You are. You always have been.
Think about it! You never would have gotten in the saddle if it wasn’t for me.
’ Asta’s skin crawled; she wanted to scream. ‘You’re so freaking proud!’
‘What else do I have?’ Asta raised her arms, gesturing vaguely at the attic room, crowded with the disused furniture of Pillar’s former students, some who had gone on to illustrious careers that she could never have.
She swept a hand toward the window, toward the school full of her peers who were probably at this moment repeating Pikki’s horrible accusations to one another, reveling in the gossip, not yet realizing that every word of it was true.
‘I had my pride, and I had my future. And you just took both of those from me.’
Felix’s face twisted in misery. He took a few steps forward – tentative and slow, like he was afraid she would run. ‘Why won’t you let me be your future? Why can’t you be proud of me?’
‘This isn’t about you!’ It was everything Asta had feared, coming true. He wanted her hidden away in his shadow for the rest of her life. She felt like she was coming apart, dissipating into tiny specks of light like one of Felix’s illusions. ‘I just wanted something that was mine.’
‘I thought we were making something together.’ He looked pleadingly at her.
Asta hesitated before answering. What did he think being together meant? Fencing her in? She couldn’t live like that. ‘This whole time, you knew it was a lie. You knew you could take it all away if you wanted to.’
‘I don’t know what you’re so mad about,’ Felix muttered. ‘You wanted to race, and I gave you want you wanted.’
Asta put her shoulders back. ‘You aren’t the king of racing, Felix.’
Felix’s face went dull and hard. ‘No, I’m a Seraphin. I am racing.’
‘Fuck you!’ She backed away from him. Tears were falling now, hot and fast. She turned for the door.
‘Don’t leave,’ he said, and recharged the illusion of the magic cord.
It was still bound to her wrist, but it had no substance to it anymore.
He pulled at it, but the line just stretched out, powerless.
Asta met his eyes. She shook her arm, and the cord dropped to the floor.
Felix watched her do it. By the look on his face, she might as well have cut his heart out.