Chapter Eighteen
Nora wasn’t sure what woke her until it happened again. Fallon was moaning, and it wasn’t a sound of pleasure.
Nora rose quietly and went to her bedside. The moon was down and it was very dark. “Fallon? Are you hurting?”
“Ugh, I think I accidentally rolled over too far onto this shoulder.” Fallon sniffed, her voice hoarse. Was she crying?
“Oh shit. Let me get you some ice,” Nora said, reaching for her robe.
“No. I mean, I’m sorry I woke you.” Nora heard her shift in the bed. “I can get—”
“You will not get anything except the Advil in the bathroom if you need to go in there anyway. Otherwise, I’ll be right back.
” Nora hurried downstairs, returning with a package of frozen peas, knowing they would best conform to the shape of Fallon’s shoulder.
Fallon cursed in the bathroom. “Is everything okay?”
“I can’t get this damn childproof cap open with one hand.”
Nora smiled. “I can barely get them open with two hands. May I help?”
Fallon sighed. “Thanks.” Nora eased into the small space, being careful not to bump into her. Their hands brushed as Fallon passed her the bottle. “Listen, I didn’t come here so you could be my nurse. You have enough going on with your father.”
“It helps both me and my father to have you here.” Nora took a breath. “Besides, it’s my fault you’re hurt. I’m just grateful it wasn’t any worse.” She hadn’t expected to have this conversation standing in a bathroom in the middle of the night, but the moment had presented itself, so…
She opened the bottle and found Fallon’s uninjured arm, dropping the pills in her hand, trying to calm her racing heart.
This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation, but it needed to happen.
The breach between them wouldn’t be mended with one confession, but she’d been weighted down with this guilt since the moment the tree trunk had begun to crack.
“Nora, if a tree falls during a serious windstorm, it’s no one’s fault. Besides, you’re the one who got me out, so I owe you—”
“No, I’m the one who got you in.” The words rushed out of her as fast as her mind could form them.
“I was cutting on that tree when the triangle sounded. We formed up, and then Art came, and after he left, I was distracted looking at the photos Tyler had taken. I didn’t realize you and Maris had gone over to the other side of the break, but I should have already told you, warned you that tree was unstable.
” She was almost glad she couldn’t read Fallon’s expression.
“That wind…I’ve never felt it like that, but that’s no excuse for my negligence.
” Reliving that moment made her throat close, and her voice flagged.
“My God, Fallon. If you’d been seriously injured, if you’d been…
” Swallowing, she forced herself to say it.
“If you’d been killed, I couldn’t have ever forgiven myself. I wouldn’t even want to li—”
She wasn’t sure if Fallon’s night vision was better than hers or if it was luck when Fallon touched her cheek.
“Nora,” she interrupted. “What we do is dangerous. Not as much as firefighting, but it can still be hazardous. Having you working with us on that break made a huge difference. That kind of wind might have knocked down any number of weakened trees.” When Nora started to protest, Fallon added, “Can you say with absolute certainty that exact tree was the one that fell?”
Nora had been as positive as she could be, and yet, she hadn’t actually looked at that area of the break once Fallon had gone down. “It…I think—”
“But you don’t really know, do you?” The simple touch turned into a caress.
“Please stop beating yourself up about this. Even if it was the same tree, you got me out of there, so we’re even, okay?
” Fallon leaned in close to her ear. “I know you care about things being equal, but I’ve been thinking that maybe forgiveness is what we most need to work on. ”
Nora reached for her, her fingers brushing the sling on Fallon’s injured shoulder. She felt her flinch. “Oh damn. I’m sorry.”
“If you brought ice, I’ll forgive you.”
Nora laughed in spite of herself as she transferred the frozen vegetables from hand to hand, making sure Fallon could hear them rattle in the darkness. “Lucky me.”
The peas did the trick and Fallon settled into bed while Nora took the thawed bag back to the kitchen to dispose of it.
When she returned, Fallon’s breathing had grown steady, but Nora couldn’t seem to shut off her mind.
That comment about forgiveness reverberated in her thoughts, bouncing from her father to Fallon to herself.
She knew she would sleep if she could crawl into bed with Fallon the way she’d done not long after they’d met, but maybe it was best that she couldn’t.
Distance would force her to connect in another, less physical way.
Physical had never been their problem. In a flash of what was probably obvious insight, Nora realized that if they were going to have a chance at something beyond this time together, they needed to date.
Or something like it. Getting to know each other better, learning who they were now and how they’d gotten there would be a start.
She began assembling a mental catalogue of things they could do given Fallon’s temporary limitations.
Making the list somehow had the effect of counting sheep, and she was asleep before she got to number six.
Tyler left the next morning following what felt like two hours of good-byes.
Not long after he pulled away in Nora’s car, the hospital called with her father’s test results.
Her mother answered, but after a few moments, she handed the phone to Nora.
“You talk to them. I don’t understand all this medical jargon. ”
Fallon rose, indicating she’d give her privacy, but Nora motioned her back down.
She listened to the description of her father’s neurological disorder.
The symptoms they described seemed to fit his sudden slurred speech and unexplained tremors in his hands and legs.
The doctor assured her there was nothing wrong with his brain.
“It’s not a hardware problem, it’s a software issue.
It’s like his brain has lost the pathways to communicate with certain parts of his body. ”
“And the prognosis?”
“With treatment, most patients show at least some improvement.”
“And what are the treatment options?”
“We recommend specialized physical therapy, along with psychotherapy.”
She scoffed. “It will be a small miracle if I can get him to physical therapy. I think the psychotherapy is out of the question.”
“I understand.” The doctor sounded sympathetic. “Bring him in tomorrow, and let’s see how it goes.”
Nora hung up and turned to her mother. “Ask Anita to come in, please. We need to talk.”
She relayed what the doctor had told her, leaving her mother and Anita to process it while she and Fallon went to get her father.
Nora helped him into his chair while Fallon stood by, holding the travel mug of coffee. At least there was hope that he wouldn’t always need a lid to keep from spilling the hot liquid everywhere. As soon as he was settled, she steeled herself for what was to come. “I have good news and bad news.”
Her father looked up. “Huh?”
“The good news is, you haven’t had a stroke.” He grunted. “The bad news is, you have functional neurological disorder, FND. Nothing is wrong with your brain, but the connection with some parts of your body is malfunctioning.”
“Why?”
“They don’t know for sure, but the doctor said it could be caused by repressed trauma held in the body.”
He muttered something about “Psycho mumbo jumbo,” his hand trembling as he sipped his coffee.
“Do you want to get better?” she demanded. He looked at her skeptically but finally nodded. “You have an appointment with the physical therapist tomorrow morning. If you don’t go, there won’t be another chance. Do you understand?”
“You going?” he asked.
“No. Mother and Anita will take you.”
He grunted and closed his eyes.
Nora sighed, her fists clenched. “If you want to talk about this later, we can.”
There was no reply, and after a moment, Nora stood and went up the stairs. Fallon followed. Pushing into their room, Nora threw herself face down on the bed. Grabbing a pillow, she screamed into it, “Goddamn it.” When she looked over at Fallon, she said, “You see how he is?”
“I think he’s scared,” Fallon said.
“Scared? Stubborn is more like it. If he doesn’t make the appointment tomorrow, I’m done trying to help him.”
“Why can’t you take him? You understand what’s going on better than your mom or Anita. If you go with them this first time, at least they’ll know what to expect for future appointments.” Nora put her face back in the pillow. “I’ll go too, if you want, though I’m no help at all.”
Nora felt the first hint of tears, and it made her even angrier. She looked up. “He’s probably faking this whole thing just to get attention.”
Fallon moved over to her bed and sat close, putting her hand on Nora’s back. “You know that’s not true. Why don’t you tell me what you’re really upset about?”
Shit. If Fallon was going to be sweet to her like that, she was certainly going to cry.
But over the last few years, she’d been working on keeping her temper in check, admitting her feelings, and being honest about what she wanted.
“I hate seeing him like this. He’s always been strong, and he’s never sick.
” The first tear fell. “We haven’t been close since I was young, and I know I’m nothing but a big disappointment to him.
But after Firecamp, he kept his word and funded my last two years of college.
I got my job and I never looked back. It’s just that…
I’ve been angry at him for years and now…
” She tried to hold back the thought, but it escaped on a sob.
“What if he dies, and we never resolve this distance between us?”