39. Tessa
39
Tessa
I can’t get back to sleep. I have the vague memory of being carried up the stairs and nestling between their two big bodies. But when I woke, it was only Shep and I in the huge bed. Beau must have slipped out of the room earlier and never came back. I guess I understand it. It’s one thing to do what we did in the heat of the moment and an entirely different thing to have to live with it in the light of day. He doesn’t know where he stands and honestly, neither do I. I fight a shiver of anxiety because I don’t know how either of them will feel in the morning.
Shep is wrapped around me like a second skin, but I’ve been staring at the door since waking. He sleeps peacefully, seemingly not affected by what we did last night at all.I’ve gone back through every exquisite moment of what happened, how they allowed me to have them both. How they fucked me together, moving in tandem inside my body. Every line I’ve ever drawn was blurred by sheer need. To let them take care of me. To let them possess me. And I don’t regret a single second.
Maybe I should feel ashamed that I let them both take what they needed, but last night was about so much more than sex. Each of us needed this to heal. Beau had to find a way out of the anger he’s held on to since I broke his heart. Shep needed reconciliation with the brother he loves more than anyone else and I needed a way to show them both how much they mean to me in their very different roles in my life. While the connection we shared was beautiful and life-altering, I know it will end as soon as we leave the cabin and I’m not looking forward to being separated from either of them.
Everything I’ve been keeping locked away found its way out as they touched me. They took out everything they felt on me, but I did the same. Giving in last night gave me the gift of getting to love them both. My body showed Beau how badly I’ve wanted him every day since I left. And asking Shep to stay with us helped me atone for the betrayal of not choosing him. More important than any type of release, I’m left wondering why me? How in the world was I deemed lucky enough to have the love and adoration of two of the most amazing men I’ve ever met? I don’t deserve them.
I slip out of bed and pull on a chunky, white sweater and leggings. I pass the guest room where Beau’s been sleeping and wonder if he’s there. I almost reach for his door before I think better of it and pad down the hall in the darkness. The whole room is open below, so when I get to the top of the stairs, I see the fire from earlier is still going. But it’s popping more strongly in the grate, which means Beau must be awake and down here.
My heart flutters in my chest as I round the bottom of the stairs to find him sitting on the couch, staring into the flames.
“Couldn’t sleep?” I ask, but he only shakes his head.
I walk into the kitchen to make hot chocolate and feel his eyes on me. I busy myself making two mugs, trying to ignore the nervousness swirling in my stomach.
Apparently it’s easier than you think to be cool after you’ve made love to your best friend and your ex-boyfriend at the same time. To finally be able to focus on something other than uncontrollable desire is a breath of fresh air. It’s still there under the surface, but the edge is duller. More manageable.
We’ve been talking about nothing, the orchards and Beau’s friends. We’ve intentionally steered clear of anything about me. I get the feeling he isn’t going to be the one to broach the subject first. He knows me so well, even now.
“You have new ink,” I say, reaching out to touch his chest where I know the image is tattooed. “What is it?”
When we were us, he didn’t have any tattoos and I wonder what it took for him to get over his fear of needles. That someone as defined and powerful as Beau was too afraid to get a little tattoo was endlessly entertaining to me. His upper arm and shoulder now are covered with some landscape design in black ink. I noticed it last night when he took his shirt off, but we were too busy with other things for me to ask.
His eyes flick to my hand and then he looks away. “It’s funny you’d ask about it,” he says quietly.
“Why? Can I see it? I didn’t get a chance to look earlier.” He chuckles but doesn’t answer and he doesn’t move to lift his shirt either. I playfully punch his shoulder, trying to cover my embarrassment at asking for something he clearly doesn’t want to give. “Touchy subject. I’m sorry, you don’t have to.”
I rise to take our mugs back into the kitchen, but he takes my wrist gently. “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t laugh, okay?”
He reaches behind his neck and pulls his navy henley over his head. I sit back down, expecting it to be some drunken tattoo gone wrong. Why else would he ask me not to laugh?
Yet, my eyes are greeted with something completely unexpected.
What I thought was a piece that only touched his arm and shoulder actually spills over onto his chest, his left pectoral, and over his heart. The ink on his arm is instantly recognizable. It’s the view down Magnolia, the main street in Pelahatchie. If I were standing there, it wouldn’t be any clearer. He’s still right now, letting me look my fill, but I imagine that if his arms were moving, the images would move too. Almost like a scene from a movie.
Over his shoulder runs tall grass with trees in the distance. I don’t have to look hard to know they’re pine trees in shadowy black and gray. It’s the field behind his parents’ house, drawn like you were standing on the back porch. I can just see the shape of a dog running towards the edges and I’d bet my life that’s Ox.
The detail is incredible. This must have taken hours, days even. So many sessions for someone who doesn’t like needles. I can’t believe he would do this, but then again, I understand completely. I know how much these places mean to him. To have them inked forever on his body, it’s amazing. Whoever this artist was, he chose them carefully. Their work blends and morphs expertly so it isn’t three separate images, it’s a panoramic view.
My eyes drift down, following the lines of the tattoo. And my heart stops beating.
There are peach trees in neat rows across his skin, ripe and full of fruit, covering the muscle on his chest. The ink is black, but I can see the colors in my mind. The dark green of the leaves, the oranges and corals on the peaches. My hands begin to tingle, feeling the fuzz on my palms. If I didn’t know where I was, I’d swear I could smell the sticky sweetness. It’s a full-body experience just gazing at his chest.
But right in the center, over where his heart rests, is a pond hidden in a grove. I shake my head unconsciously at the wonder of it all. Our pond. Our spot. Where we started and ended. The more I stare, the more I see. It isn’t just a regular view on any regular day. He has a sunset tattooed there, I can tell from the bowl of the sky and the tiny sphere of the sun sinking below the trees.
My fingers lift to my lips, helping me hold back a sob. “Why would you do this?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
I can’t do anything but stare into his clear, blue eyes. Even after all we did last night, after all we said, this says more. Infinitely more.
“It’s a sunset,” I whisper stupidly, unable to put into words what this means to me.
“Yeah. It’s stupid.” He shakes his head and his shaggy hair sways around his face. “But I wanted to change your mind about that. They don’t have to be endings.” Guilt and anguish and emotion stab me all over, making me ache for ever daring to hurt him. “I was going to come after you, you know?”
“You were?”
He nods solemnly. “I told myself if you didn’t come back after five years, I was going to go wherever you were and beg you to take me back. That’s why I had to get the tattoo. So I could take some of home with me wherever we went.” He touches the tattoo and my fingers find their way to his.
“Why five years?”
“That’s how long I thought I could endure it until I gave in. Fuck, it was so hard to wait, Tess. I’m thanking my lucky stars you didn’t make me wait that long.”
“Why wouldn’t you talk to me when I came back?”
“I think I was mad I didn’t get to be the hero of our story.” He chuckles like he can’t quite believe how it all turned out.
I huff a laugh alongside him. “I definitely don’t think I’m the hero here.”
“You came back, didn’t you? That’s good enough for me.” His eyes are unflinching. They bore into me, stripping everything bare and I owe him back the honesty.
Wiping fresh tears, I say, “I wish I had fought harder for you.”
Beau pulls me into his lap and cradles me against his chest, my cheek resting on the picture of the pond and the words start pouring out. “I missed you so much and I only have myself to blame. I thought I was angry for not telling you sooner so you could have come to Houston. But that wasn’t it. I should never have asked that of you. As much as I love you, I should have known how much Pelahatchie means to you. And I didn’t because I was scared of what was happening between us.”
He’s quiet and I’m afraid to look up, but he deserves my eyes for this apology. I turn and show him every bit of humility I have. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. I have so many things to apologize for, but how I left you, how I didn’t fight for us was the worst. I’d give anything to make up for it.”
I could kiss him, I realize. It would just be two people doing what people in love do. But I don’t want to sway him. As much as I want him and as easy as it would be to fall back into each other’s arms, I need him to offer his forgiveness.
“You said love,” he says.
“Hmm?”
“You said, ‘As much as I love you.’”
“I did.”
“Say it again, Tessa.”
There’s no hesitation. “I love you, Beau McAbee. I love you with all my heart and I’m sorry I was too stupid to realize it.”
“Then I forgive you,” he says simply. As easy as that. He kisses my forehead and whispers in my ear, “And you’ll spend the rest of your life making it up to me.”
When I look at him, he grins lewdly. There he goes again. Doing what he does best, making me laugh.
God, I missed this.
This man.
He’s still mine.
Our stay only lasts two more days before Shep says he’s sick of us making up. He keeps referring to the cabin as the honeymoon suite and I have to admit, I’m ready to get back home as well. Life in Pelahatchie doesn’t seem all that dull now that I have Beau back. And if it ever does, maybe I can persuade him to resurrect the Fuck-It List to help me stay out of trouble.
Before we go back to reality though, I have just one more thing to cross off my to-do list.
I find him lying in bed upstairs. He’s on his back with his arms behind his head staring at the moving ceiling fan. I slide on top of the covers and curl onto my side facing him, enacting the same position we used to use when talking about something serious.
“You think the Tornadoes will notice if their star pitcher doesn’t return?” I ask.
He purses his lips in contemplation. “Might not for a while, but they’d catch on eventually.”
“Damn,” I say softly, but there’s a hint of truth behind the sarcasm.
“Not ready to leave?”
I snuggle closer. “Can we just stay here forever?”
Shep pulls me into a hug. My head lies against his chest and I put an arm across his stomach. Now is as good a time as any to let him go.
“I take it you talked to Beau? Sorted everything out?” he asks.
Happiness suffuses my limbs. “Yeah.” My smile is brighter than any Fourth of July fireworks. “Peyton’s gonna flip when she finds out her plan worked.”
His bark of laughter is quick. “When you’re retelling the story of how you and Beau made up, can you maybe leave me out of it? I’d rather my little sister didn’t know that much about my sex life.”
I pat his chest reassuringly. “Don’t you worry, I’m keeping those memories all to myself.” We’re quiet for a moment. No doubt we’re both replaying everything that’s happened this week until I say hesitantly, “Hey, Shep?”
“Yeah?” He looks down at me.
“I never thanked you for all you did.”
“Don’t mention it.” He shrugs and brushes it off like it’s nothing, but I sit up, holding his gaze.
“I don’t want to be the girl who doesn’t learn from her mistakes anymore. I want to be wiser about my choices going forward. Thank you for everything you did for me in Houston. I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have all this”–I spread my arms open to encompass both him and Beau downstairs–“without you. I may not love you the way you want, but I do love you.”
I give him a good, long look, trying to read whatever is hiding behind those navy eyes of his. After a moment, he grins and that’s enough for me. “You’re welcome,” he says simply.
We hear the thud of Beau’s boots walking up the stairs and both of us turn as one to the doorway. His blonde hair shines golden in the morning light from the windows, but it’s the glint of something silver hanging from his pointer finger that catches my eye.
I frown. “What’s that?”
“A present.” He swings them around his finger and I see that it’s a set of keys.
Shep scrubs a hand over his face. “Oh, here we go.”
“What?” I ask. When he says nothing, I look between them. “What?” I say with more urgency.
Beau grins wickedly and walks over to the bed. “Keys to your new apartment.” He sits and holds them out to me.
“Why do you have them?” I reach but he yanks his hand back at the last second.
At my look of shock, both boys start laughing. Beau tackles us both, giving me a sloppy kiss while Shep just shakes his head.
“Because I’m your new landlord.”