Wade
I severely underestimated how hard it would be to sit down and have a civil dinner with my brother, Stella, and Charlie. They had also invited Pops and Ray, so it was a bona fide family fucking dinner—trauma, resentment, and all.
Ray and I hadn’t had a chance to talk all week. She had taken on a couple of new clients at her virtual design firm and was in and out of meetings in the evenings when I was available after training sessions.
Working virtually meant that she was at the mercy of whatever time zone her client was in, and that often left her working late since we were on the East Coast.
During the day, when she didn’t have client meetings, she watched Charlie so Stella and Max could go to work, and I could bust my ass to keep the ranch running.
Sitting around the dinner table, everyone except me laughing at something Pops said, I couldn’t have felt more out of place. It seemed as though all of their lives had moved on, but I was still stuck in the same rut of anger and exhaustion I had been in since the moment I was shot.
I picked at my chicken and moved the mashed potatoes around my plate to make it look like I had eaten. I didn’t miss the side-eyes I was getting from Ray, who seemingly never missed a beat. I swear, sometimes that woman scared me straight more times than my own mother had.
She didn’t need words to convey the disappointment coursing through her at my lack of enthusiasm for this dinner; I could feel her staring into my soul from across the table.
As everyone started to clear the plates from the table, I noticed the way Max gently took Stella’s hand beneath it, their fingers laced together tenderly.
The pair looked nervous as they darted their eyes around at each of us. Like a storm brewing in the distance, I could feel the pressure shifting, and I knew that something big was about to happen.
Max cleared his throat, a subtle signal for everyone to give him their attention, and looked lovingly down at Stella before addressing the rest of us. “Thank you, guys, so much for coming tonight. Stella and I wanted to get all of our family together for a little announcement.”
I watched as he slowly slid his hand from where it was tangled with hers and rested it on the barely perceptible swell of her lower belly. As if all the air had been sucked out of the room, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Stella and I are promoting Charlie to big sister in the new year. It’s still early, but we wanted everyone to know, and keeping it a secret when she’s been constantly puking her guts up has been a challenge.”
Ray’s squeal of excitement could have been heard four counties over as she pushed out of her chair and rushed to Stella, pulling her in for a big hug.
I could hear her gushing over all the baby things she was going to buy for their new little one and how amazing a big sister Charlie was going to be.
Pops stood, shaking Max’s hand and pulling him in for a back-slapping hug, congratulating him as well. I felt as if I had melted directly into my dining room chair.
My limbs felt heavy and the air thick as all the surrounding voices started fading into muddled whispers. The loud rush of blood pumping through my fast-beating heart was a persistent whoosh in my ears.
Just like at their wedding, I wanted to be happy for them, but my mind wouldn’t let me feel anything other than the burning fire of oppressive rage. That could have been me. Years down the road, sure, but it still could have been me.
Max would get his happily ever after with the woman who had brought pain and suffering to the life of his twin brother, while I got the shit sandwich called life.
I pushed back my chair; the legs scraped against the floor in a loud screech, breaking everyone’s happy trance and forcing all their attention in my direction.
I felt like I was suffocating as I pushed out of my seat and stumbled toward the front door, acting blindly on impulse.
I didn’t bother with showering them with empty platitudes and congratulations. They didn’t need my support or well-wishes; they were doing just fine on their own.
As I threw open the front door, the thick humidity hung like a velvet curtain in the air, surrounding me and further weighing down the darkness of my mind.
Without thinking, I started running. I ran past the stables, past the dimly lit bunkhouse, and through the brambles and bushes of the woods.
Even though it was dark, I knew exactly where I was going as if an invisible string was pulling me toward a place where I could quiet my mind and slow my racing heart.
My feet pounded on the damp earth in time with my racing heartbeat, propelling me further from the house and the trauma I didn’t want to face.
Pushing through the thick brush, I stumbled into the cove, doubling over with my hands braced on my knees.
As the damp, cool air surrounded me, I was able to suck in a shallow, shuddering breath.
Each inhale was painful as my lungs struggled to catch up.
My stomach retched, lurching with emptiness and leaving me gasping through each heave.
What felt like hours—but was probably only minutes—ticked by as I struggled to draw in each breath. Thoughts swirled around my head that scared me, and I struggled to hold back a torrent of tears as one or two traitorous droplets coasted down my cheeks.
My mind swirled with thoughts of how much easier everyone’s lives would be without me and how much pain I was putting them through. It begged me for silence, a reprieve from the daily onslaught of fury.
A true testament of how far into my mind I had retreated, I didn’t hear or feel her approach until Ray’s slender fingers rubbed gentle circles across my back.
“Just breathe,” she whispered, as if her words were floating softly through the wind. Timing my breaths with the gentle cadence of her soft caresses across my skin, I was able to regulate my breathing and slow my heart rate.
My mind was still a depraved mix of thoughts, and the tightness in my chest refused to release, but something about Ray’s touch was calming me enough for the darkness to retreat to where it had come.
“Sit,” she commanded, guiding me softly to the creek’s edge and helping me sit gently on the bank. Any other time, I would have given her shit for treating me like a child, but right now I could barely focus on a steady heartbeat, much less ribbing her.
“I’m—”
She stopped me with a quiet shush from her plump lips as she looked out into the quiet forest around us, closing her eyes. “Just listen.”
I didn’t dare argue with her as I closed my eyes, surrounding myself with the sounds of the cove.
In the distance, I heard the soft hooting of an owl, calling out into the wind.
Crickets chirped a steady cadence, their soft song a timed metronome, further slowing my heart rate.
A trickle of water flowing at our feet softened the edges of the red haze clouding my vision.
With each cataloged sound, I felt the tension release from my frame and my shoulders inch away from my ears.
“I’m sorry.” I tried again, needing to apologize to someone for the way I had acted.
“I’m not the one you need to be apologizing to,” she said softly, her eyes still closed, a quiet contentment flowing through her features. The serenity wafting off her was enviable, but she looked so soft and unmarred by my grizzly mood.
“Want to tell me what happened?” Her hazel eyes opened, turning in my direction, a look of “no bullshit” accented by her arched brow.
I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, hoping that if I made myself small, it would physically hold me together.
Everything felt like it was falling apart around me when, in reality, life couldn’t have been better for everyone else.
Somehow, I had been stuck in this twilight zone of reliving that night—day in and day out, destined to be reminded of it at every turn.
“As soon as the words left Max’s mouth about Stella being pregnant again, my vision turned red, and I couldn’t breathe.
Everything felt like it was closing in, and I couldn’t find a way out.
I should be happy for them, but all I can think about is all that I’ve lost in the face of all that they’ve gained. ”
Seemingly sensing my ratcheting heart rate, Ray’s hand reached out, and her fingers laced with mine—a silent reminder that I wasn’t alone, and this was a safe space to unload if I wanted to.
“It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest, and I couldn’t take a breath. I had to get out of there before I absolutely lost it.”
Admitting my freak-out to Ray felt uncomfortable, but I knew in my heart that, no matter what, she wasn’t going to judge me.
“Wade,” she said softly, using the same voice I’d heard her use on Izzy at the bar. The one that felt like she was placating you but was soft and serene because she was afraid you’d fight back. “I think you had a panic attack.”
Brushing her off, I released her hand and stood up, pacing the length of the small cove, my hands running through the long strands of my hair.
“I’ve been doing some research—”
“Research? You’ve been looking up my form of crazy, Sunshine?”
“You’re not crazy. I think you may have a form of PTSD. It’s—”
The moment she insinuated I was suffering from PTSD, she obliterated all the work we had just done to calm my breathing and my racing heart.
There was no fucking way I was being shoved into a box with America’s heroes. Nothing I did warranted being on the same playing field, or even in the same realm as the people who valiantly served our country.
“I don’t have PTSD! What is it with everyone trying to shove that diagnosis down my fucking throat?” I shouted, standing toe-to-toe with her, my fists tightening by my sides. True to her nature, she didn’t so much as flinch.
“Okay, so you don’t have PTSD. What do you think this is?” Waving her hand from top to bottom, she gestured at my body, currently vibrating with rage. I took a step back and resumed my pacing.
Being close to Rayna Cortez in the mindset I was in was dangerous. I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t hurt her, but I might make decisions that couldn’t be taken back. Ones that might push us over the edge and past the point of no return.
Stepping up behind me, I felt her slender arms wrap around my waist, holding me tightly as she rested her cheek in the center of my back.
“Tell me what you need,” she whispered into the cotton of my shirt. Her words vibrated through me as the thrumming need to lose myself in her took over.
Turning around so we were face-to-face, I placed both hands on the sides of her throat, using my thumbs to lift her chin.
“You, Sunshine. I need you.”