Chapter 19
He had her.
And then he lost her, just like that.
He’d lied to her.
And now he would spend the rest of his life on his knees before her if he had to...begging her to forgive him, if it gave him even an inkling of a chance to get her back.
The speaking stone had gone cold, despite how many times Arawn clutched it close to his chest.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the look in her eyes. The betrayal.
The brokenness...
Because he felt, for the first time in his life...like he was Soraya.
Like he was the enemy.
Like he was the one holding the blade, and it was pointed at Ezer’s chest.
He waited as long as he could. He waited until it became painful, and then he’d taken to the sword again, until Indriya came to fetch him, shouting that he’d decimate their entire force of nomage recruits if he continued “training” them to death.
So now... Arawn found himself pacing in the halls of the Eagle’s Nest, going over the words he wanted to say.
Ezer, my love.
Gods, it sounded ridiculous. She’d hate him for it even more than she already did.
Ezer, my heart.
That wouldn’t do, either, because she was not the kind who wanted sappy or soft words.
She wanted the truth, as cold and as hard as it was. And he hadn’t given it to her.
He should have.
Gods, he should have.
It wasn’t his choice to make, to hide the truth of her uncle. But when he’d gotten to know her...
He should have told her, from the second he felt that first traitorous flutter in his heart. He should have allowed her to face the questions she had...to know which side she stood on.
“What are you still doing here?” a voice said from behind him.
Arawn turned to find Indriya and Riven, her giant of a brother, walking back from the Eagle’s Nest. They were both splattered in darksoul blood...a sure sign that they’d just returned from the war. Without him.
And he?
He was losing his own battle, right here, as he stood before the catacombs door.
It was the one that led to Ezer, for he knew she’d be sleeping in the raphon’s cage, as she had for weeks now. It pained him that she was mere steps away, for she felt further from him now than she ever had before.
“Arawn.”
Arawn turned to look at his aerie. Indriya in her leathers, and Riven with his twin swords strapped behind his back. They’d been through so much together...Sacred Knights who knew what he once was like, in war.
They would be ashamed if they knew why he was really here, how much his heart was shredded over a Raphonminder that was not his.
But then Indriya sighed, and said, “Just open the damned door and go to her.”
He blinked.
“I...”
“You’re a fool if you think we didn’t see you that night on Absolution,” Indriya said, as she paused to hang up her sword beside her saddle. She elbowed her brother in the side.
Riven grunted, and added, “She’s right, Arawn. You haven’t looked at anyone like that since...”
“No,” Indriya corrected him with a smug smile. “He hasn’t looked at anyone like this ever.” She sighed. “She flies tomorrow, with the Descent?”
Arawn nodded.
This was a new boundary. A new line they’d never crossed before, not just as aeriemates but as Sacred. For a Crown Prince, to go after someone...anyone who wasn’t his Matched? And on a night that wasn’t Absolution, no less?
He turned away from the door.
But Indriya put her hand on his chest...and pressed him gently back towards it.
“Go,” she said. “If it heals you, Arawn. If it does what it needs to do, to bring you back...”
“We never saw you here,” Riven said.
And it was a gift, as the siblings simply walked away, not looking back, not even once, to see if Arawn had gone through that door.
And he did.
His heart in his throat, he reached for the handle.
He pulled it open, so hard the door yelped—or perhaps that was...
“What in the—”
It was her voice.
It was Ezer, standing there just on the other side.
“Ezer,” he breathed.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
He hadn’t seen her since yesterday. He knew his warrior’s braid was loose, he knew he looked like a man on the fringes of his own sanity, for he hadn’t pressed his cloak.
..and for the first time he didn’t care about the wrinkles one bit.
And here he was, his hand still on the door, his mouth hanging half-open in shock.
Seeing her...
He felt like he could finally breathe again, even though she must hate him.
Even though it was his own damned fault for failing.
Again.
“I was...”
Gods, where were his words? Why wasn’t his tongue working? Why wasn’t his mind able to form a coherent thought?
Get it together! his mind hissed.
“I came to apologize,” he blurted.
“Why?” Ezer asked.
So small, so bold and lovely as she glared up at him.
He didn’t care how bad it hurt. At least she was looking at him again.
“Because I lied to you,” he said. “Because you deserved to know the truth, even if it would break you.”
“Do I look broken to you?” Ezer asked. She stepped out of the doorway, closing it behind her. “Do I look like some fragile, feeble thing?”
“No,” he whispered.
She couldn’t be further from broken.
He was the broken one.
He was the one who needed to have the pieces of him put back together again.
“You look brave,” Arawn said. “You look bold, and...” He paused. “And angry, Ezer, which you have every right to be. I shouldn’t have lied. They teach us that as one of the first laws. We promise to uphold it when we take our vows and despite myself, when it came to you...I still broke it.”
“Why,” she said again.
Not a question.
A demand.
“Because...”
“One chance, Arawn.” She held up a finger; her eyes locked on his. “You have one chance right now, and if you do not tell me the truth...I will walk away from you. I will leave this place tomorrow, come sunrise, and you will never see me again. Even if I survive.”
He let out a breath.
“If?”
It was the worst word he’d ever heard.
“I’d be lying if I said when,” Ezer said.
He could feel his eyes turning wet. He swallowed back the burn in his throat.
How could he tell her? How could he admit his own weakness to her, who was so strong, so bold and unbreakable? How could he dare admit to her that he was...
That he might not be who she needed him to be.
“I did it...to protect myself,” Arawn said. “Because...”
He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t let her see him cry.
“Look at me, Arawn,” she said.
And he swore he could hardly even stand as he met her gaze and said, “Because I didn’t know you that day in the tower. All I knew were my orders, and they were to deliver you here, to have you become any other soldier.” He sighed. “But you aren’t any other soldier. You are...”
“What am I?” she asked.
His heart was beating against his rib cage. Move closer to her, his body said, but his mind...
It knew she’d want him to stay away.
He’d manipulated her, in his own way. He’d pretended not to know a damned thing about her uncle, and now the thought of hurting her again...
He wished he could inflict that pain upon himself, tenfold, if only to remove the ache in her eyes.
“You are stubborn,” Arawn said.
At that, she recoiled.
You idiot, he thought. What are you saying?
This wasn’t the speech he’d practiced. But his words just tumbled out, and he was powerless to stop them.
He stepped a bit closer, pulled towards her like a magnet.
“You are crass, and you are curious to your own detriment, but I adore how much it keeps me on my toes. And you are perhaps the messiest eater I have ever met. Worse than Six.”
She glared at him. “If this is supposed to be a slew of compliments, Arawn...”
Stop talking! His mind screamed at him.
But his idiotic tongue just kept spilling words.
“You are brilliant with her, and you are bold to spend your days with Kinlear, and gods, the way you speak to people, the way you challenge them...the way you do not falter, not even when it comes to a shadow wolf...it’s like you aren’t even afraid, Ezer.”
He stepped a little bit closer.
This time, she did not back away.
“You are everything I am not. Everything I wish I could be, because you do not bend to the will of anyone but yourself.”
“That’s not true,” she said.
But it was. Oh gods, it was truer than anything he’d ever said, because Ezer was free.
In a way he never had been and never would be.
“I didn’t tell you at first,” he said, “because it’s my duty to hold the secrets of the Citadel. Why would I offer that up, risk penance and punishment, for a stranger? For a woman in a tower with a mountain of debt upon her head?”
He sighed.
Get to the point, he told himself. Because she was listening. Because he could see her edges softening, and despite himself...it was working.
His truth was working.
He’d always held parts of himself back. Even with Soraya, his best friend.
But with Ezer?
He showed her everything.
And it felt so damned good.
“And when I did get to know you...why would I wish to break someone who seemed already broken? Because I was broken, too, Ezer. I couldn’t even conjure a flame to save you, but you didn’t need me to.
You saved me, and then you saved yourself in those woods, and however you did it, I don’t know.
And I don’t care. Because...everything about you, what’s what I love. ”
Love.
He hadn’t expected to say the word, but it poured out of him like a second breath.
He felt it.
In every fiber of his being...he felt it for her.
He dared step closer. “And once I knew who you were...I couldn’t speak the truth aloud.”
“It wasn’t your choice to make,” Ezer said.