Chapter 39 #2
“Look at that,” Cam remarked as she leaned against the opposite side of the counter, fiddling with a spinning rack of dark academia-inspired bookmarks Eiley had tactfully nudged Maggie towards last week. “She has fans already.”
“She had fans long before the book was published,” joked Eiley. With her bubbly personality and heart of gold, Harper had the power to make anyone love her, or at least laugh with her. Thank goodness Fraser hadn’t thrown it all away the way she had with Warren.
Not that it was the same. Really.
“God, they are sickeningly in love,” Cam complained. “I thought they’d have broken up at least four times by now.”
Eiley gasped in horror. “Don’t say that!”
“I don’t mean it like that. It just sometimes makes me wonder if Sorcha and I are doing something wrong, what with all the ups and downs we have. They make it look so easy.”
That, Eiley could understand. It must have been hard to watch her brother navigate his relationship seamlessly while Cam struggled through hers.
“Do you still love Sorcha?” Eiley asked, quietly so Sorcha, at the other end of the bookstore with Isla and Archie, couldn’t hear.
“Aye, of course. I don’t think that could ever change, no matter what.”
“And do you think you can sort out your problems, in the end?”
“We’re working on it as best we can.”
“Then that’s what makes your relationship right,” she said.
“Finlay and I could never do that. He just walked out, went to the pub, and hoped I’d be too exhausted to carry on arguing when he came home at silly o’clock.
All of that anger and pain was never resolved, because he wouldn’t let it be.
He never apologised. So it all just sat there, eating at me every single day.
You and Sorcha still love each other enough to talk it out, even if it’s about difficult things.
Even when you disagree or even shout. I don’t think there’s one right way to do a relationship.
I think doing your best looks different for everyone. ”
Cam gave a sad smile. “Shite. Are you taking my spot as the new resident love guru?”
Eiley shrugged. “I suppose I’m qualified these days.”
“And yet …”
She shot her a sharp glare, willing her to shush before she said something Eiley didn’t want to hear, but Cam wouldn’t be swayed.
“I recall Warren apologising a fair amount,” Cam said. “And I remember his best looking quite nice from our point of view.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to be with someone who I fight with so much.”
She snorted. “Nobody does. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we were always on the same bloody page?”
“Anyway, we’re talking about you,” Eiley brushed off quickly. “Have you reached a verdict? More kids or no more kids?”
Cam twirled her wedding ring around her finger, conflict lining her tight lips. “I think so. We’ve both agreed that Isla and Archie deserve our full attention right now.”
“And Sorcha’s okay with it?” Eiley hesitated. While she felt the same as Cam, content with the gorgeous three children she had, what if she eventually found someone who wanted more? What if, after she put in years of work to loving someone, they realised they didn’t want the same things?
The kids I imagined running around here didn’t used be anyone in particular. Recently, they are.
Warren hadn’t acted as though he might expect more from Eiley in the future. He’d talked about her kids like they were all he’d dreamed of. Like they were enough.
“She wants to be, and I think that’s enough for now. Still feels like I’m fucking everything up, but she’d never force me into it just to make her happy.”
Eiley couldn’t help but smooth down Cam’s fringe, that big sister urge to fix everything rearing its head.
She hadn’t always understood Cam, but now, she knew her inside out.
She knew that this quiet meant she was afraid.
“Either way, you’re a fab mum, Cam, and a lot of that is down to how certain you are of yourself.
If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
You, more than anyone I’ve ever met, know what you need. ”
“I’m just scared that one day she’ll wake up and we won’t be enough anymore,” Cam admitted, her voice cracking.
Eiley rounded the counter to wrap her arms around her, knowing there was nothing more she could say.
There was no right answer. Just a lot of muddling through.
“I know it’s hard. But one thing I’ve learned this year is that our big, chaotic family won’t let you go through it alone, no matter what happens. ”
“I’m really proud of you for coming out the other side of this.” Cam cried into the puffy sleeves of Eiley’s russet-brown dress, leaving smudges of eyeliner that Eiley hoped would come out in the wash. “Sorry if we’ve sometimes made it feel harder.”
“No,” Eiley said, and finally meant it. “No, I’m so, so lucky to have you all.
” Instead of wishing that they would stop taking care of her, stop seeing her for her weaknesses, she now only wished she could be graceful enough to accept their help when she needed it instead of trying to do it all alone.
From the microphone by Harper’s signing desk, Maggie called that it was time for a reading from the author.
Arm in arm, Eiley and Cam gathered around with the others, listening to Harper’s smooth voice tell the story of a princess finding her place in the world, and a soul-shattering love discovered deep in the forest. Obviously, she omitted the parts that might be considered unsuitable for children’s and future mother-in-laws’ ears.
And again, Eiley’s heart thudded Warren’s name through every word. She’d thought she could move on now that everything was righting itself, but attempting to close the book hadn’t changed Eiley’s sense of incompleteness.
She glanced outside at the rain, which had barely stopped since last weekend, since their final fight – as though even the weather wasn’t convinced it was over.
Would it ever be?