Chapter Twenty-Three
Jo
W hen the weight of life catches up to me, I have a hard time getting out of bed.
Between juggling classes, work, my parents’ drama, and my other complicated feelings, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It’s as if all of my energy has been depleted, and I need a day to recharge in my depression cave, as Lochlan called it.
Today, all my life choices are catching up to me, and I haven’t been able to move.
I’m wallowing in self-pity and inability to see light at the end of the tunnel when someone knocks on my door.
Someone .
I know it’s Lochlan.
No one else would be brave enough to visit me.
Like a corpse rising from the dead, I crawl out of bed and crack the door open.
“What do you want?” I grumble.
He studies me for a moment like he’s not sure where my chilly attitude is coming from.
As if he isn’t one of the culprits.
“The guys are going into town for the Independence Day festival. Thought I’d tell you in case you’d be interested.”
“What time are you leaving?”
“I’m not. I’m staying here.”
“Oh, why?”
“They have a big fireworks show that sends a lot of noise and smoke up here. I stay back to watch over everything in case the bears get spooked.”
Normally, I’d jump at the opportunity to get out, but going to a crowded festival doesn’t sound as alluring as it would on any other day.
The effort it would take me to get ready seems unachievable.
“Well, I’ll probably stay back, too. Let me know if you need anything while they’re all gone.” I give him a considerate half smile and move to shut the door, but he stops me with a hand gripping the door.
He doesn’t say anything as we stand silently holding the door.
He wants to say something, but as usual, it gets locked away inside his head, and he doesn’t enlighten me with it.
If he wants me to read his mind, I don’t have the energy for it today.
“Bye,” I whisper, pushing the door again.
This time, he lets me shut it.
* * *
Lochlan: Meet me outside
It’s been a couple of hours since he was at my door, and I’ve left his message unanswered for over ten minutes.
I shouldn’t humor him.
He has me all twisted up in my head, but I’m still the same girl I was before I ever came here, desperate for a friend.
Jo: When?
Lochlan: Right now
Lochlan’s sitting on his porch steps when I open my door, looking at me.
He’s holding a folded fleece blanket and a small plastic container.
“What are you doing?” I ask him skeptically.
“Will you take a walk with me?”
I’m hesitant to be near him after what happened last night, but I’m too curious not to follow him.
We walk in silence as he leads me down a path past the bunkhouse I’ve never followed.
I’ve never explored the property because I’m not supposed to, and I never thought to ask Lochlan to guide me.
I catch him glancing at me a few times, and I think he might say something, but he doesn’t.
We only walk for a few minutes when the path opens into a field surrounded by trees.
The clearing is overrun by little white flowers, but it isn’t until I get closer that I see all the specks of red.
“Strawberries? Did you plant these?”
“No. I’m not sure how they got here, but every summer they grow like wildfire. We only see ripe berries for a few weeks before all the critters destroy them. The bears like them, too.” He holds up the container he carried all the way here.
“I thought you’d like to pick some.”
“I’ve never picked wild anything before.” My smile widens in excitement.
“They’re smaller than you’d see at the grocery store, but they’ll be sweeter too.”
I pick a little berry and examine it in the fading sunlight.
It’s bumpy and firm, but it’s the richest color of red I’ve ever seen in nature.
“I have a lipstick I love that’s almost this shade of red. I was so excited the first time I put it on, I felt so mature, but my mother told me I looked like a slut… I never did wear it again.”
Talking to my mother last night stirred up bad memories.
I place the strawberry in the container and look up to see the most startled expression on his face.
“The more you tell me about your family, the more I hate them.”
“You don’t even know the half of it,” I scoff, but then laugh at the ridiculousness.
“I’d like to, if you want to tell me,” he admits softly.
I fill the rest of the container, wishing I would stop gravitating towards him when he’s so grumpy with me, but every time he blankets me in his warm presence, I can’t seem to turn it away.
“It’d be a long story…”
“There’s a spot I like to go on nights like this, when it’s just me and the bears. Will you come with me?” He asks hesitantly.
There’s a softness in his eyes that isn’t usually there.
A different type of sorrow that I’d never be able to turn away from, no matter how hot and cold he acts towards me.
He leads me to the farthest outbuilding, the one that contains all the bear supplies, but doesn’t take me inside.
Instead, he grabs a ladder propped up against the outside wall and leans it against the building.
“Are you afraid of heights?”
“I don’t think so, but I’ve never climbed a ladder like this. ”
He chuckles and shakes his head.
“Go on, I’ll catch you if you fall.”
I grab the metal rungs but hesitate before pulling my feet off the ground.
“Take your time. Three points of contact at all times. Hand, hand, foot, foot,” he instructs from right behind me.
I start to move, and he continues talking me through it softly.
“Hand, hand, foot, foot. Good. Keep looking up. Hand, hand, foot, foot. You’re almost there.”
“Now, what?” My shaking knees don’t know how to get off the ladder and onto the flat-ish roof without losing my balance and falling backward.
“Plant your hands at the top of the ladder to stabilize your body and step onto the roof. I’m right behind you. I won’t let you fall.”
“Not on purpose, but I’m heavy. I could bring us both down like dominoes.” Now my wrists are trembling, and I feel like the whole ladder is shaking.
“I’d never let that happen, darlin’.” The deep timber of his voice melts over me, convincing me to spur forward and hoist myself off the ladder, but more importantly, to get away from the jitters that nickname causes in my nervous system.
Once I’m on the roof, I don’t know what to do with my body, freezing in a half-crouched stance.
“And, for the record.” He steps onto the roof easily and lays the blanket down.
“I could have carried you up the ladder, so assuming you could knock me over is an insult.”
“Gravity doesn’t apply to you?”
“I’m not talking about gravity,” he says pointedly, setting the strawberries down in the middle of the blanket and sitting down himself .
Oh.
I look out over the roof to the view beyond.
We’re sitting right above the edge of the bear enclosures.
I haven’t been this close yet.
“Will they come over here?”
“Maybe. They roam a little, but they also pick their favorite areas and tend to frequent them.” He shrugs, leaning back on his arm.
“You really do love them, don’t you?”
He shrugs again.
“I don’t know if love is the right word. I respect them. They didn’t choose to be locked up for the rest of their life. The least I can do is make sure they’re comfortable and taken care of. This is their home.”
“I bet your grandfather was proud of what you did here.”
He scoffs.
“I don’t know why, but he always said as much.”
“You are a good man, Lochlan. No matter how much you don’t think so.”
“You hardly know me, Jo.”
“I know enough.” I pick up a strawberry and bite into it, surprising myself with how sweet it really is.
I suck the juice from the soft inside part, before biting it to the stem.
It’s the best strawberry I’ve ever had.
I glance up to tell him, but his eyes are trained on my mouth, watching me as I finish chewing my bite.
I swallow thickly under his serious observation.
“I need to tell you about my past,” he says suddenly.
“I don’t want you to have this false idea of me. I need you to know the truth.”
“I already know–”
“No, I need to tell you the whole story. You’re working your ass off to get donations for this place and I need you to know who I am. People are seeing that you’re associated with this place, with me, and I need you to have confidence in who you’re representing.”
“Okay.” It doesn’t matter what I say; he seems ready to purge his soul, and I’m guilty for wanting him to.
He sits up, rubbing his hands together across his knees like he’s revving up his courage.
“I had just turned 18 and I thought I was in love.”