Chapter 19 #2
Quintin tilts his head, bringing his hand to rest on my stomach. I love when he does that, a gentle reminder it isn’t just us. It’ll never be just us anymore.
“Hard times don’t scare me.”
As we stand in front of my apartment door, close enough to slow dance, I reach up, coiling a loose curl with my index finger. It’s a little moment of reaching out and touching the man I’m finally allowing myself to be me with.
Quintin feels so steady, watching me touch him as his words echo in my mind. Hard times terrify me. The idea of having this baby alone terrifies me.
Is he going to be the person who calms my storm? The partner in parenthood I thought I wouldn’t get? A second chance from the universe?
I can’t help but stare at him as my mind runs wild. He’s silent, giving me space to let my brain do backflips.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I whisper, admiring the way he grins before kissing the back of my hand.
It isn’t often the illustrious Gloria Figueroa graces me with her presence in the city. Unannounced visits aren’t really her thing, but she did give me a ten-minute head start when she called.
As I hand her a mug of steaming tea before sitting next to her on the couch, I’m aware I can count on one hand how many times she’s been inside my apartment.
It isn’t something I typically pay attention to, opting to visit her instead, especially since she usually comes alone while Papi watches his shows or works on his car.
She takes a sip, and I don’t know how she doesn’t scald her tongue. She prefers her beverages far hotter than I could ever consume. This woman is a force. She had to be to raise me.
My papi once said it kindles the fire within her. I think it soothes her tropical soul from the inside out. She grew up under the sun.
“When is the baby coming?” she asks, clearing her throat before she takes another sip. Her question feels stilted, like she’s embarrassed she even has to ask.
I glance down at my belly, running my hands over it thoughtlessly. “After the holidays is what I’m told.”
She hasn’t offered to come to appointments, hasn’t asked for sonogram pictures. This is her first grandchild. And while I sprung this on her, I certainly expected more from her.
Which…is my problem. She shouldn’t be bound by the expectations I’ve forced on her.
“How are you feeling?” she asks, and in an effort to make her feel more involved, I let myself fully submerge into the truth.
“Unprepared,” I start, wondering how else to explain everything.
She tilts her head with curiosity, humor in her eyes. “What do you mean?” She gestures toward the room that was once my office, now stocked with all sorts of gender-neutral baby items. “We still haven’t had the shower yet.”
“Is that why you’re here?” I ask, shooting her a grin as I sit back and set my feet on my coffee table. I rest my hands on my belly, noticing how much bigger it feels than last week. Hell, even yesterday.
“I’m going to be here more often, mija .” She peers at me over the mug as she takes another gulp before setting the mug far from my feet. She glances at them, and the minor purse of her lips has me smiling wider.
If this were her house, she’d smack my feet off the table.
But it isn’t.
So I win.
“How is work?”
Her attempt at a neutral topic is not as helpful as she thinks.
“I don’t think I’m going to make partner anymore,” I finally utter aloud. It hurts deep down, where I bottle a lot of my feelings, the desire leaving an ache.
“Why?” Mami asks, reaching for my hand. “What happened, corazón ?”
“I… She doesn’t think I’ll be able to handle the responsibility as a new mother.”
That isn’t one hundred percent what she said, but in my emotional frustration, I project more. I’m human. I allow myself the assumption.
“She doesn’t have kids of her own?” My mother’s face is twisted in annoyance, and the desire to fight my battles has her becoming more and more irate. “And this from another woman?”
“She’s probably right.” Defeat drags at my words, and I blink away tears. Fucking hormones. I hate feeling this out of control, this emotional.
“You don’t let other people dictate your…
capabilities,” she warns me as she ensures she’s chosen the right word.
I take such pride in her vocabulary, knowing the nights of reading my schoolbooks and fiction novels provided her with the ability to express herself clearly in a language other than her native tongue.
“I need to feel like everything is going to be okay,” I confess, squeezing her hand with a fierceness I can’t tamp down. “I’m so scared.”
“You need to let go,” she starts, her accent caressing each syllable. “Life is going to happen whether you’re ready or not. And…” She pauses to try to find the right words again. “ Eres muy fuerte. I made you that way.”
I am strong. And she did make me that way.
“Damn, you work quickly. Shit, I can’t believe you’re having a baby.
” Willa shakes her head with a grin before bringing her beer bottle to her lips.
Finally feeling like I have my feet firmly planted in Daniela’s life, I decided earlier this week it was time to tell my friends.
My friends are the closest thing I have to family.
I glance around the room before locking eyes with Apollo, who looks fashionable, as usual.
They approach, a wide smile on their face as they reach up and hug me, their hand on the back of my neck. I can feel their rings pressing into my skin before they let me go.
I love the duality of Apollo, their physical affection. I’m happy Willa introduced them to the friend group.
“Welcome back,” I say, clapping my hands on their shoulders. While I don’t get to see them too often, I keep track of their comings and goings, so today is a surprise. I had no idea Apollo was in town.
“He’s having a baby,” Willa blurts out with a smile on her face, just as Pepper joins us. “We wanted him to find someone, and…whew, did he take that seriously.”
There goes my thoughtful planning on how to tell them.
Everyone is quiet as I glance around, smiling, undeterred by Willa’s lack of a filter.
“Yes. I haven’t known her long, but I’m very happy,” I say, my gaze lingering on Willa, who shrinks a little in her seat before taking another gulp of her beer.
Pepper moves around the table to greet Willa, and I wait until she’s seated across from me before I say hello.
The dynamic in my friend group is sublime. Even though Pepper and Willa dated years ago, there’s no weirdness.
I think about Daniela and if I could be in a friend group with her if we don’t work out.
Nope. Not with the intensity of my feelings. It would take too long to get over them, and by then, she’d likely have found someone else, and the cycle of heartbreak would start over again.
But I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.
“When do we meet her?” Apollo asks, setting their leather trench on the empty chair beside them. Long brown hair tied up in a bun, piercing blue eyes, and a beard that rivals mine face me, and the inquisition commences.
“I’m not sure yet.”
I pick up the glass of water set in front of me before everyone arrived, not liking the feeling of being put on the spot like this, wanting to protect what we have from scrutiny.
But if we’re going to be parents together, which is what I assume she wants, we shouldn’t bend or break under the pressure of scrutiny. I shouldn’t be afraid of what my friends think. I should be more confident in my choices.
“I’ll ask her when she’s free,” I offer, before sipping my water.
“Are you happy?” Pepper asks, her question quiet. When I glance up at her, she has a smile on her face, willing me to give her the only answer I can come up with.
“I never knew I could be this happy.”
I nearly miss the tear that slips down her cheek before the back of her hand catches it.
I move to stand and comfort her, but she shakes her head, her hands out.
“Stop it,” she sniffs, showing me a side of her I’ve rarely seen. “I’m just so happy for you experience the love of a family.”
“You all have been my family for a long time.” I gesture around the table, speaking loudly enough for them to hear. “I haven’t been lonely because of you.”
“But it’s different,” Pepper says, glancing at Willa, whose girlfriend just joined us. “Having a family of your own. Having a person.”
“And a baby,” I finish for her, her dark hair a curtain hiding the shine of her tears as she ducks her head.
“A fucking baby,” she sniffs again. “I can’t wait to spoil it.”
And then, she opens her menu, asking Apollo what they want to eat, and the moment is gone.
Pride still fills me at the thought of my friends rallying around the baby, seeing it as mine. I see it as mine.
I’m at the appointments, taking care of Daniela, making sure she rests as much as she can. I’m here, even texting her while I’m out with my friends to make sure she doesn’t need anything.
If she were to call me and tell me she has a taste for a certain snack, I’d have it delivered or bring it home. I’d even go home and make it for her if need be. She deserves to be adored.
I’m perfectly fine with dedicating as much as I can to the woman teaching me how fulfilling romantic love can be.