Chapter 11
Zafar
Zafar watched as Daadi tried to engage with Reshma, and while she was responding, he could tell that her mind kept drifting off and he didn’t blame her.
Her father’s arrival was even more surprising than his had been.
No one had known about it, and given that he wasn’t very involved in the extended family, according to the snippet he’d heard Uncle Jawad exchanging with Auntie Ruqayyah, his arrival had shocked everyone.
From the little Zafar knew, Ahsan Mir’s contact with his family was occasional and often came as a surprise, much like it had today.
Pleasant or not was yet to be seen, though he had a feeling he knew the answer to that already.
‘Should we call that scamp Haroon and see what he’s been up to?’ Daadi asked Reshma, knowing how she doted on her youngest brother-in-law and if anyone could bring a smile to her face – from his family, that was – it was Haroon Saeed. Which, when put like that, didn’t reflect very well on Zafar.
‘I messaged him earlier, Daadi, while I was working, and he said that they had planned a day of exploring today. I don’t want to disturb him.
In fact, I think I might pop down to the beach for a walk and some fresh air.
I could do with the movement.’ There was an air of fragility about Reshma and Zafar felt like he needed to do something, anything, to bring her back to how she’d been before her father had arrived, even if she had been pissed at him.
But he felt ill-equipped to do anything. Who was he to offer Reshma any comfort or support when he was one of the people who had disappointed her too? What could he say or do to make Reshma feel better given where they were?
He didn’t want her feeling any more hurt or disappointed than she already was and he could see that the arrival of her father had bothered her. He’d been there for Ahsan Mir’s lukewarm greeting for his eldest daughter.
Zafar felt a flare of anger, towards Reshma’s father and towards himself, because if they had been in a better place, he would know what to do. He was in this position of his own making.
Reshma made her way upstairs.
‘Zafar, sweetheart, go with her, please. I’m worried about her. She’s putting on a brave front, but I’m sure the arrival of her father with his family has affected her. Did you see their lacklustre acknowledgement of her?’
He nodded. ‘Will you be OK?’
‘I’ll be fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me. Reshma needs all of your attention right now.’
He wasn’t sure Reshma would agree with his grandmother.
He didn’t know what he would say or do, but he wasn’t going to let Reshma deal with this by herself, of that he was certain.
Now wasn’t the time to leave her alone. Even if they were silent throughout, he wanted to be there for her, even from a distance.
She came down five minutes later and Zafar got up. ‘I’ll come with you.’
She shook her head. ‘You don’t have to. I’ll be fine by myself.’ She didn’t wait for any response and opened the door and walked out.
Zafar gave it twenty seconds before he left himself, spotting her a short distance ahead of him. Her head was bowed and her shoulders were hunched as she hurried down the path towards the beach.
Heavy grey clouds had rolled in since that morning and though rain hadn’t been forecast, the sky looked somewhat ominous to him.
Zafar followed Reshma onto the beach and after she’d speed-walked several metres, her pace slowed down a bit until she came to a stop and turned to face the ocean.
The tide was quite far out, which meant that it would soon start coming in.
He could see her side profile and as he watched her, she lifted her hand and swiped it across her face, wiping away tears, and Zafar felt his heart sink.
He slowly made his way towards her and when he was a handful of steps away, she turned her face and looked at him for a moment, before turning to face the ocean once more. She didn’t bother hiding the fact that she was crying, her tears falling unchecked down her face.
He wasn’t sure whether she would appreciate his presence or any kind of contact, but the idea of just standing there didn’t sit right with him.
He wanted to comfort her, so he went with his instinct.
Slowly, he touched her fingers, letting his intertwine with hers, and she let him, didn’t pull away.
She turned her face and looked at their hands as he rubbed his thumb on the back of her hand.
He watched her face as she swallowed, her chin moving with the motion, but her eyes remained glued to their hands.
Using the slightest pressure, he pulled her arm so she turned towards him a bit more and then, softly, he spoke her name. ‘Reshma?’
Her eyes were downcast, looking at the damp sand between them. She rolled her lips inwards and her nostrils flared as fresh tears fell down her cheeks. She didn’t say anything as she took a small step forward and rested her forehead against his chest.
The depth of her sorrow brought a lump to his throat and he gently put his arm around her shoulder, holding her close as he moved his other arm to rest against her lower back.
He tightened his hold on her when she didn’t push him away or pull away herself.
Instead, she rested her head just under his chin.
He felt her body shudder as his T-shirt dampened, but all he did was tighten his arms around her.
One arm was around his waist and the other was held against his body, fisting his T-shirt in her fingers.
Zafar rubbed his hand in soothing circular motions on her back a couple of times before securing his hold on her again.
He lowered his lips and kissed the top of her head before resting his cheek on the same spot, willing all her pain and sadness away, as he stood there silently.
How was it, that in all this time, he’d never stopped to actually truly connect with the woman he had married and now, in the space of a few days, he was suddenly overcome with grief at the sight of her tears and anguish?
Anyone would think that after blowing cold all this time with her, he’d suddenly turned the tap to hot, and they wouldn’t be wrong.
That was exactly what it looked like. One minute he didn’t want to come with her, and now there was nowhere else he’d rather be.
But how could he expect her to trust him when his commitment towards her was so wishy-washy? What right did he have to offer her comfort, especially given how little he’d given her so far?
She was in a vulnerable place and with only him around, it was understandable that she hadn’t pushed him away and had sought comfort in his arms, but that didn’t mean it was all hunky-dory between them.
He had so much work to do to earn this woman’s trust, if he even deserved it.
But he would try. He would try his hardest to become worthy of Reshma’s trust and affection, that much he was absolutely certain about.
He tightened his hold on her anew and after several minutes of silent sobbing, he heard a small hiccup and Reshma moved her face to the side, resting her cheek against him as she looked towards the water once more.
He could see the glisten of tear tracks on her face and the tip of her nose was pink, wrinkling as she sniffled.
‘How can you be his favourite son-in-law when he won’t even say more than six words to me?
’ Her voice was thick with tears. ‘How much of a glutton for punishment am I that in all these years, I’ve still not learnt my lesson that he doesn’t care?
I still expect something from him.’ She pulled her face back and looked up at him, the heartbreak in her eyes crystal clear.
‘And how ungrateful am I, that with such a loving uncle and aunt who stepped in to raise me when they didn’t have to, I’m still seeking acceptance from a man who will never give it to me?
In no time at all, I feel like that eight-year-old again, waiting for him to notice me. ’
Zafar felt his heart clench at the sorrow reflected in Reshma’s voice, which broke on every other word.
He moved his arms from around her and gently cupped her face in his hands.
‘First off, you are not ungrateful. You wouldn’t know how to be ungrateful, Reshma.
It’s perfectly natural to want your only surviving parent to want you, to accept you and to love you.
That doesn’t make you ungrateful by any stretch of the imagination.
And that leads me onto the second thing.
You’re not a glutton for punishment either.
The fault here lies squarely with Ahsan Mir, no one else.
And I have no desire to be such a man’s favourite anything.
Especially if he can’t see how wonderful you are. ’
She shook her head fervently and he dropped his arms, resting them around her once more.
‘No. I’m not. Do you know how many chances he had to have me be a part of his life?
Twenty years’ worth of chances. I think it’s pretty clear what he feels and thinks about me.
I just need to get my brain and my stupid heart on the same page.
’ She took a shuddering breath, her hands clenched into fists against his pecs.
She was looking at the neckline of his T-shirt in anger.
‘Every step of the way, his feelings have been clear, it’s just been me who refuses to see them for what they are.
And, like an idiot, I carry that with me in every relationship and then wonder why I don’t get anything back. ’
Was she talking about them ? She must be, and the thought of being grouped with Ahsan Mir, even the little he knew about him, had Zafar feeling disgusted with himself.
It was as clear as day that it was the people who had let Reshma down that were in the wrong, not her, and that included him, much to his shame.