Chapter 17
Zafar
Zafar pushed himself harder, kicking his legs every other stroke for momentum.
He could feel the strain in his muscles as he pushed, but he welcomed the burn because it gave him something else to focus on instead of taking turns in thinking about his turbulent family history or the feel of Reshma pressed against him.
To be fair, between the two, he would prefer to fixate on thoughts of Reshma, but he knew that way lay trouble of a different kind than ruminating on his family history and the pain that struck him anew whenever he thought about it.
The funny thing was, whenever he let his mind wander free with thoughts of Reshma, his thoughts would circle back to his grandfather anyway because he was the one who had chosen her for him.
He’d also been the same person to strictly warn him against letting someone become so important to him that she consumed his thoughts.
Because if she was consuming his thoughts, then who was taking responsibility for the family or the business?
Another one of his grandfather’s great life tips.
When his arms began feeling like they were made of lead, Zafar moved to tread water, allowing himself to bob in the Indian Ocean.
He’d forgone a swim in the pool today because Daadi had company at their villa.
Reshma had come with him and decided to walk while he swam.
He saw her now, moving through the shallow waves, their things piled on the blanket they’d spread further up the beach.
He slowly swam towards her and when he was close enough, he began wading through the water, his legs still burning.
He got to her and she gave him a shy smile which made his heart skip a beat.
Zafar remembered her giving him smiles like that after they’d got married, shy and tentative but hopeful.
But then they’d stopped and, the fool he was, he hadn’t even realised when that had happened.
He’d been too busy focusing on those responsibilities of his instead of on her.
His grandfather had always drummed the importance of focus into him and he’d said that distraction of any kind should be eliminated before it became a liability and Zafar had taken most of his lessons to heart.
Except he was now coming to the realisation that not all of those lessons were correct but it was hard work breaking a lifetime of teachings.
They made their way to the blanket and picked up towels to dry themselves off. After positioning the parasol near them over the blanket, Zafar sat down, watching as Reshma patted the towel on her face and then began brushing sand off her bare feet.
The time she had spent in the sun had lent her cheeks a warm glow and he could see faint streaks of light brown in her dark hair.
She had a soft kind of beauty that had him wanting to keep looking at her, taking in one feature at a time, like her rosy lips.
They were slightly parted as she slowly pressed her lower lip between her teeth, concentrating on the task at hand.
The sensation he’d felt at the animal sanctuary yesterday, when she’d been close to him when they’d fed the giraffes, snaked through him now.
He’d felt the same feeling last night when she’d linked her arm with his on the walk home, except last night, along with desire, he’d felt a connection.
Unwavering warmth and support. Right now, his desire for her felt stronger.
He wanted to replace her teeth with his thumb, press down on the pillowy softness of her lips to see how they felt.
His feelings towards her had many facets and he wanted to explore each and every one of them.
She looked up at him, as though he had voiced his thoughts, and stopped biting down on her lip.
The way Reshma was looking at him made him feel like she could see inside his head.
He hoped not, because he’d hate to scare her off and, right now, his thoughts were unclear to him, so God only knew what she’d think of them.
This reaction he was having towards Reshma was something he didn’t know how to deal with.
It seemed like more than he’d hoped for, but it also felt like more than he could manage.
He had wanted mutual respect, affection.
A connection which would mean they’d be together in harmony.
This didn’t feel as straightforward as any of those things, even if it beat the look of hurt and disapproval she’d had on her face when she’d found out the truth about his arrival and everything had come to a head.
The closest he could come to describe what he was feeling was to call it a strange sort of sensitivity which made him feel like his skin was too tight.
He wasn’t sure how to handle it, especially when he’d only ever seen feelings like this through the negative lens his grandfather had always used, branding desire and love towards a partner as nothing but a severe distraction and a sign towards the road to ruin.
His grandfather’s words swept through his mind.
He would often tell him that while it was important to keep your wife happy and make sure she lacked for nothing, it shouldn’t ever lead him to forgetting his duties and responsibilities towards everything else.
The relationship between a husband and his wife should be one of respect and some level of affection – which was what he thought he was striving for – but feelings like attraction, desire and love were destructive and led to nothing positive.
He’d often give Zafar the example of his uncle, who had married for love but then faced nothing but a lifetime of disappointment and that’s what he’d caused others.
Now, with the benefit of hindsight and his own experiences, Zafar wasn’t sure he could see his grandfather’s perspective on the matter.
As time went on, there were more and more things he found his opinions differing on from those of his grandfather, both in his personal life and professional life. And he was finding himself able to acknowledge those differences more vocally, though at times it was with a heavy side of guilt.
But the strange thing was that despite acknowledging these differences, he still found himself missing the man. He still loved him as much now as he did when he was a child, and there were times when he wished he could go to him and simply have a chat, as opinionated as those chats could be.
He could imagine his grandfather telling him to steer clear of the feelings he was beginning to develop for his wife. That they would lead to nowhere good.
Would he ignore such an edict or accept it?
He had rejected his grandfather’s way of thinking once.
Was it wise to make the same mistake again?
Should he ignore his grandfather’s teachings that came from his own experiences, which were a lot more than Zafar had?
Was it a risk worth taking? What about the cost?
Was it unwise to nurture desire towards Reshma like this?
He hadn’t really thought about the risks.
Was he courting danger and potential ruin?
‘Zafar?’ Reshma squeezed his arm and jolted him out of his thoughts. ‘You were miles away. Did you hear me? Look, Niya and Sho are coming.’
He turned to look in the direction she was pointing in and, sure enough, Reshma’s cousins were making their way towards them, Shoaib lugging a picnic hamper.
‘Surprise! Ha. Seems like a running theme, doesn’t it?!’ Haniya said as she flopped down beside Reshma. ‘One surprise after another.’
‘Not really. You messaged to say you’re on your way. I told you where to meet us.’ Reshma shook her head as Shoaib laid down another blanket and began unloading the contents of the hamper.
Zafar was glad for the distraction after the track his thoughts had taken. His feelings towards Reshma were something he needed to consider with a clear head and with a better handle on exactly what these feelings were.
They spent the next half-hour eating and chatting about the upcoming henna ceremony.
‘I’m looking forward to it. Henna ceremonies can be so much fun,’ Reshma said as she bit into a large strawberry. Zafar watched as she licked droplets of juice from her lips, leaving them glossy and very much kissable.
The thought had him shifting on the blanket, pulling his gaze away from the sight before him. He’d heard that the eating of a strawberry could be deemed seductive and could send a bolt of desire through the person seeing it and today he could say he’d experienced it.
Completely oblivious of the impact it was having on him, Reshma reached for another strawberry. Zafar suppressed a groan and contemplated going for another swim, even though he was knackered.
‘How much time do we have before we have to get back?’ Reshma asked as she licked juice off her fingers. Zafar swallowed hard a couple of times, resisting the urge to close his eyes and give his frustration away. In his head, he focused on trying to count back from one hundred.
‘We’ve got at least another two hours before we seriously need to start getting ready. If we go back now, we’ll either be roped in to run errands or just get bored. I’ve got an idea, let’s play truth or dare,’ Haniya said cheerily.
‘What? No!’ Reshma didn’t even entertain the idea.
‘No, Niya.’ Shoaib was succinct in his refusal as he lay down on the blanket.
‘There aren’t enough of us for it to be interesting.’ Zafar tried to be diplomatic, but Haniya wasn’t having any of it.
‘Bock, bock. Bock, bock. Bock, bock.’
‘Urgh, someone deal with this woman-child. You need to grow up, Niya.’ Reshma rolled her eyes as she took a breadstick through a tub of hummus. The resounding crunch of it punctuating her words.
‘BOCK!’
‘For God’s sake, Niya,’ Shoaib groaned.
Zafar kept quiet this time.