Chapter 25
Lucy
There must be something in the water in Wisconsin.
These small towns are so charming. I didn’t think anywhere would be as lovely as Cashmere Cove, but as we drive slowly down Mapleton Avenue, I can’t help but think that Mapleton gives Cashmere Cove some competition.
We passed an adorable park with a gazebo all twined with twinkling lights.
Kids were skating on an ice rink, and there was a line in front of a mobile coffee pop-up nearby.
“This is the entrance. Turn right.” I look up from my phone after navigating us to McGregor Tree Farm. A gorgeous farmhouse comes into view. We bypass the circle drive and follow the signs for the tree lot around back. TJ pulls his truck into an open spot.
I walk in front of the truck, meeting him on his side. He’s assessing the grounds, and I fiddle with the tassel on my scarf. “You sure you’re good with this?”
When he suggested cutting down a Christmas tree together, I could have cried … tears of joy. It’s been so long, and my heart pinched at the memories of my dad putting me up on his shoulders and hiking through the fields to find the perfect tree.
After hearing about everything with Tess, I’m not surprised by TJ’s aversion to the holiday season, and I know he’s doing this for me—for my benefit.
That thought could make me cry again. I’ve blubbered enough for one day, so I firm my resolve and keep my gaze on the side of his face where his jaw is currently clenched to within an inch of its life.
“If it gets to be too much, say so, and we can leave,” I tell him. “You don’t have to pretend to be okay with me.”
He relaxes his mouth and offers me a small smile. “And I can't tell you what a relief that is, but I’m good. I was thinking about Tess’s mom.”
I cock my head to the side to show him I’m listening, and he goes on.
“She invited me to a benefit dinner. They have one every year around New Year’s in Tess’s honor.
It’s this whole fancy thing, and they try to bring in a big-name speaker to get some media coverage to raise even more money for the scholarship they fund in Tess’s name.
” His eyes take on a faraway look before he blinks and stares down at me.
“I never go,” he says quietly. “I’ve always thought it’d be too hard to be there alone, you know? ”
I nod, my throat closing. A part of me wants to offer to go with him. Another part of me doesn’t feel like that’s my place. Add to that his mention of media presence, and I know I wouldn’t be able to hide my identity.
“Maybe it’s time,” he says quietly.
I reach for his hand and squeeze it. “I’m sure it would be hard to be there, but it might also be healing.”
He brushes his mittened thumb over my knuckles, blowing out a deep breath. “I know. Tess’s parents are great. I owe it to them to show up. I’ve been letting them down for years,” he says on a sigh.
I shake my head quickly. “You’re allowed to grieve at your own pace and hold the boundaries you need to hold.”
He nods once. “Thanks for saying that, Lu.”
“It’s true.” I swallow. “I’ll support you whatever you decide to do about the benefit dinner.”
He offers me a small smile. “I wish you could come with me.”
I suck in a breath. “I … I don’t know if that would be the best idea.”
He shakes his head quickly. “No, I know. I’d never want to put you on the spot like that. It’s—” He chuckles. “I don’t know. Everything’s better when you’re around.”
I roll my lips into my mouth, because now I’m really going to cry again.
TJ squares his shoulders and faces the tree farm. “Let’s do this.”
I nod and take a moment to collect myself. I wrap my scarf around my neck, letting it come up and cover my mouth.
He watches me closely as I straighten my beanie, making sure it’s pulled down over my forehead.
“There,” I say. “Ready.”
We wander toward the fence marking the entrance of the tree farm. The grounds are gorgeous. Snow glistens over the trees. There’s a big red barn straight ahead with a wooden sign on the door announcing free, homemade hot chocolate inside. My mouth instantly waters.
“Have you ever thought about ditching your disguises and coming clean?” TJ asks.
I glance up to find him studying me.
TJ motions to the scarf around my mouth. “Not that the bandit-on-the-run look isn’t a good one, but…” He shrugs, cracking a grin.
I chuckle, but then shrug back. “I don’t want to deal with people asking me questions.”
“What if people think that what you said was valid? Like me.”
“I don’t think too many people are willing to see the good in me like you are.” I still can’t quite believe he does. Not complaining. Just being honest.
“Do those people really matter then?” he asks. His tone is kind, not condemning. TJ isn’t asking about this to make me uncomfortable. He genuinely wants to know. He’s not pushing me, just probing, making sure I’m considering my position from all sides.
“I’d like to say no, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with the fallout,” I admit. TJ looks like he wants to say something else, but I keep talking. “I’m not ready to come out of hiding. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
I adjust the scarf, unease warming my chilled skin more than the knit fabric. Why do I feel ashamed of my answer?
TJ nods and doesn’t press the point, but he’s planted a seed in the back of my mind of a what-if question that I’ve been avoiding. I let it be for now, but I’m conscious that it’s there, germinating right beneath the surface.
We make it to the barn entrance and are greeted by a pretty woman with a pregnant belly.
She introduces herself as Laney and gives us the rundown on where we can find the different species of trees.
TJ does most of the talking, and to Laney’s credit, she isn’t drooling at the sight of him in his winter attire.
That makes one of us. Speaking from experience, it’s difficult not to drool.
The man is like a well-built lumberjack.
His barn jacket, jeans, and work boots are really doing it for me.
I check my thoughts. I can focus on TJ’s looks as the inspiration for Theo, but I shouldn’t be ogling him for my own sake. I wish I could ask Laney how she manages not to be affected by the sight of him. I need some pointers.
“Saws and sleds are against the fence, and you can pay in the barn whenever you’re done.” She smiles and flicks her gaze to me.
“Thanks.” I crinkle my eyes to let her know I’m smiling behind my scarf.
It does make me feel a little sad to be constantly avoiding people—avoiding their gazes, avoiding conversations, staying solitary.
I’m an introvert, so I do well alone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like interacting with people.
I open my mouth to say something—anything—to Laney, but she walks off toward the barn before I get a chance.
TJ grabs some gear for us and leads the way down the line of trees.
“It’s gorgeous out here,” he says over his shoulder. His hat is slightly askew, making him look youthful and delightful. “So here’s what I’m thinking. If I’m going to do this, I may as well go all out, right?” He looks to me for approval.
“Live, laugh, love,” I quote, and then immediately question if it was the right thing to say. That was TJ and Tess’s phrase. Am I overstepping? “Sorry.” I wince. “I didn’t mean to—”
“No. You’re right.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m glad we’re here together. Living and laughing and loving nature!”
I swallow around the wad of emotion in my throat. Will I ever have the type of relationship with someone—anyone—like TJ had with Tess?
Not if you stay holed away.
Ugh. There go my thoughts again.
Not the time or place, Lu. Not the time or place.
I force myself to focus on the wave of relief that rushes over me, and not on everything I’m missing out on. “I’m glad I didn’t overstep,” I tell him.
“Not at all.” He hits me with a devastating smile. “You’re good for me, Lu.”
My heart stutters. “I—”
TJ talks over me, not giving me a chance to acknowledge the compliment. I wonder if that’s intentional on his part, because he knows I don’t process praise very well. I still don’t know if I deserve it.
“I think we should go with a Balsam,” he says. “I like the smelly kind of trees.”
“A man who knows what he wants,” I murmur with a small grin of my own. I’m bolstered by his commitment to this outing and his revived Christmas spirit. He makes me feel more free to just be—to not have to have myself all figured out.
“Absolutely,” he says with a wink.
I roll my eyes at him, even as my cheeks flush with heat. “Quit being flirty. I don’t know how to handle you.”
“Oh, I think you do. Or you could.” His eyes twinkle.
“TJ!” Without thinking, I slap him on the butt.
It happens in slow motion. Like an out-of-body experience. I freeze, stunned by my behavior as TJ starts chortling.
“That’s one way to handle me.”
I bury my face in my gloved hands. “I can’t even believe I did that.”
He’s still laughing as he slings his arm around my shoulder. I chance a glance at him, and he looks down at me with a roguish grin.
“Don’t even try to act like you haven’t been thinking about doing that since you were staring down my perfect peach the night we met.”
I shove him in the side and he pretends to stumble. He laughs some more, and I can’t help but join in.
“You’re not denying it, Cinderella.” He wags his brows. “Who knew you were hiding this feisty side?”
“Shut up!” I shake my head at him, my face boiling beneath my scarf. “I can’t be blamed for my behavior out here. The tree farm is enchanted and making me act completely out of character.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, but if you want to know what I think”—he arches his brow—“I think you’ve got all sorts of bold behavior stored up inside, waiting for the time to come out and play.”