Chapter 27
Lucy
Sitting in TJ’s living room with his grandparents is the most comfortable I’ve felt in a long time.
In the past nine months, certainly, but even before that.
It’s not that my stepmom and stepsisters aren’t kind and welcoming.
But this—sitting around, talking about old times, laughing and reminiscing, sipping cocoa and listening to Christmas music—is cozy in a way my life in California hasn’t been since my dad passed.
It's simple and sweet, and I’m so grateful.
I look across the room at TJ, where he’s dancing with his grandma to the low strains of Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song.” Loretta is about half his height, but she looks like she feels ten feet tall being in his arms. She pulled me aside before and thanked me for bringing their boy back.
It made a wad of emotion clog the back of my throat, because I don’t think I did anything.
But this—TJ letting me into his home, letting me cut down a tree and decorate it—well, it’s everything to me.
He’s letting me play my Christmas playlist, and every song brings me back to a memory I shared with my dad.
It’s bittersweet, but more sweet than anything to be given permission to enjoy it all here, surrounded by this family that so obviously loves each other.
I glance at the photo of Tess at the front of the shelf and say a quick prayer of thanks for whatever divine nudge TJ felt today to take a step back into the holiday spirit.
I hope it’s been a good step for him. His grandparents seem over the moon.
I make a silent vow to continue to honor Tess’s memory in any way I can, and to help TJ do so, too.
From everything he’s told me, she seemed like the type of person we could use more of.
My playlist switches to an Alvin and the Chipmunks song, and TJ wrinkles his nose. “Can this song even be considered music?”
I can’t help but laugh, shaking my head in wonder. “You know what? My dad used to say the same thing.”
It might seem crazy to say, but it feels like my dad had a hand in my meeting TJ.
Like maybe he’s up there in heaven, and he knew I needed a push.
It was his chili recipe that kept the connection between me and the Wilsons going after the Cinderella stunt ran its course.
I hope my dad would be proud of me trying to live and find joy despite some less-than-ideal circumstances this year.
TJ’s gaze locks in on mine, and it’s like he can see right through me. He crosses the room and reaches the pad of his thumb toward my face. “You’ve got some glitter here.” The press of his finger is soft as he drags it across my cheek and then holds out the evidence for me to see.
“Thanks,” I say with a shaky breath.
“You okay?” he asks, keeping his voice low.
Tears sting the backs of my eyes at his concern and his awareness. I don’t know how he’s so keyed in to how I’m feeling, but TJ continues to prove himself ridiculously good at reading me.
“Yeah.” I nod. “I’m good. Thinking about my dad and feeling a bit overwhelmed, but in a good way. This has been the perfect afternoon. Thank you.”
TJ shakes his head. His eyes never leave mine as he grabs for my hand. “I should be thanking you.” He squeezes my fingers. “Thank you for holding space for Tess.”
“You should always honor her however you can.”
He flicks his gaze to the photo of her and then back to me.
“I know. I will. My grief will always be with me in some way. But I don’t want to stay there, stuck.
Today, you helped me see that I owe it to her to live and laugh, which I guess I’ve been doing a decent job of,” he says with a half grin before sobering.
“But also, I think I owe it to her to try to love again.”
My stomach does a swan dive to the floor before rocketing back up and settling at the base of my throat. “I—that’s really good for you, TJ,” I squeak out.
Really good for you? Come on, Lu. For someone who considers herself a wordsmith, what sort of pathetic response is that?
In my defense, I have no idea what to say to him. Is he implying that he wants to try to love again … with me?
“It is good, I think,” TJ says slowly, a small smile lifting the corners of his lips.
My pulse pounds in every corner of my body as he leans toward me. My senses are all on high alert. Is TJ going to kiss me, right here in the glow of the Christmas tree light? Would that be sort of perfect? Yes.
Wait.
No.
It would never work. Not with me hiding away and him in the public eye all the time.
Then again … what if it could work?
If TJ can be brave enough to put himself out there to love again, couldn’t I at least see if we could make a go of a relationship?
I hold my breath, cheeks warm with a flush of desire, heart hammering, and palms clammy. My eyelids flutter as he gets nearer to me, but I blink them wide open when I feel him bend to the side.
He reaches into the box of ornaments at our feet, and I press my eyes closed, hoping he didn’t notice how I was leaning in. I take a second to collect my wits, but I don’t have nearly long enough before he stands back up with the angel for the top of the tree.
“This was the tree topper my parents got as a gift for their wedding. Gram always told me it was a good reminder of the way they were looking out for me from heaven. I haven’t gotten it out since Tess passed.
” He swallows, and my heart lurches toward him.
I reach for his free hand, giving it a squeeze.
“It’s beautiful,” I tell him.
He stares at it for a second before blinking up at me. “You should do the honors, Lu.” His low voice bowls me over, and even though he didn’t kiss me, the way he’s looking at me right now makes me weak in the knees.
All of that romantic stuff can wait. Right now, it feels like I’m watching healing in tangible, personified form.
I hesitate. “Are you sure?”
He nods and squeezes my hand.
“He absolutely is,” his grandmother says as she joins us, tugging his grandfather in tow across the room. “He’ll even lift you up to give you a fighting chance at reaching that top branch. Go on, TJ.”
TJ shoots his grandmother a look I can’t decipher before clearing his throat and turning to me, indicating my hips. “May I?” he asks, an adorable blush creeping up his cheeks.
I nod, not trusting my voice. He wraps his arms around my upper legs and lifts me up into the air.
I try my best to focus on the task of placing the angel, but I’m acutely aware of the closeness of TJ’s body to mine.
This isn’t the first time he’s held me. I think back to the gala when he tossed me over his shoulder and brought me down from the scaffolding.
Then my mind flits to earlier today at the tree farm.
But this is the first time he’s holding me since admitting that he's allowing himself to be open to loving again.
I get the angel in place, and TJ slowly lowers me to the ground, letting his arms linger around my waist, making sure I have my balance.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
TJ’s grandpa dims the overhead lights, and all four of us stare at the glow of the tree.
“It’s perfect,” Loretta whispers, like she doesn’t want to raise her voice and risk disrupting the magical scene.
We stand in silence for a couple moments, each of us lost in our own thoughts as “Merry Christmas, Darling” plays over the speakers.
The lyrics are all about wishing to be with someone on Christmas Eve.
The song always makes me think of my dad, and then my mom, who I only know through the stories he told me.
Tonight, after the rollercoaster day it’s been, I can’t help but be grateful for the people I do have with me.
Cassie and Philly and Bex. My stepmom and stepsisters.
And here, TJ and his grandparents. My heart swells because I know what TJ means when he says he doesn’t want to stay stuck in his grief.
Looking around, it’s plain to see I have much to be thankful for.
When the song ends, TJ’s grandpa flips the lights back on, and it’s like I’m waking from a dream. I feel rested and at peace, like somehow everything’s going to be okay.
TJ is watching me closely, and I offer him a small smile.
Loretta bustles about, cleaning up the mugs and the tissue paper remnants used to keep the ornaments safe in their box and ordering Martin around.
“Lu, dear. What are your plans for Christmas?” She pauses to look at me. “Are you headed home?”
I shake my head. “Not on Christmas. My family is filming an episode of their show, and we decided it would be better if I wasn’t there.”
Loretta frowns. “I don’t understand.”
I flick my gaze to TJ, and he shrugs. “Gram, Lu’s family is sort of famous, but she’s trying to stay out of the spotlight right now.”
He looks to me for my approval, and I send him a grateful nod.
Right now. That implies that I won’t be hidden away forever. How I want that to be true. The thought of putting myself back in the public eye makes me stomach flip uncomfortably, but I can’t stay hidden forever.
Maybe someday I’ll take back some ownership of my life … but not yet.
Loretta arches her brows in TJ’s direction, and Martin clears his throat. I look between the three of them, trying to decipher what I missed. “Everything okay?”
Loretta nods. “TJ has something to ask you about, so we’ll leave you to it. Thank you for tonight and for letting us share in this. It’s been lovely, but it’s getting late, and we should go.” She stops and hugs me.
Martin follows, kissing me on the cheek. “See you soon, I hope,” he says with a wink.
Oh no. I’m going to get a pity invite to Christmas dinner, or something, aren’t I?
They hustle out of the room before I can ask a clarifying question. I wait next to the Christmas tree while TJ walks them to their car, looking around to see if I can make myself useful, but there’s nothing left to tidy up.
TJ returns, bringing with him the scent of awkwardness.