Chapter 32
Lucy
Ipress my lips together, watching as TJ shifts his position slightly so he’s looking squarely at me. The intensity in his gaze—the desire and the care in his expression—is almost too much to bear. I look down and try to focus on the bubbling water swirling around me.
But then TJ’s large, calloused fingers are under my chin, tipping it up ever so slowly.
“Please,” he whispers. “Look at me when I tell you this.”
I barely manage a nod. The reverence in his gaze makes me feel like he lit a snug, little fire inside me.
“You’re meaningful to me, Lucy. I want to be clear when I say that. I’ve developed feelings for you.” He chuckles at my wide eyes. “Don’t look so surprised. You’re extraordinary.”
I squish up my nose. “I am not.”
“You are, Lu.” His voice is strong, firm. “You said at the gala when we first met, and then again several times after,” he adds with a pained look, “that you aren’t interested in anything more right now, but … I am.”
My heart, which was already racing in circles, starts levitating in my chest.
TJ reaches for my hands and holds them in his under the water, running his thumbs over my knuckles, and the temperature of the hot tub skyrockets.
“I’d like more with you, if you’d give me the chance,” he says.
I close my eyes and squeeze his hands, trying to collect my thoughts. When I blink, he’s looking at me with the open expression I’ve come to appreciate so much. He’s all but handing me his heart on a platter.
“I … I’m scared, TJ.”
He inclines his head, moving it toward me so our foreheads are resting against each other.
“I get it. I’ve closed myself off to this, or the idea of this, for years, Lu.
But I don’t want to let the fear of whatever may come prevent me from experiencing this with you.
We can conquer this fear, like your fear of car washes and my fear of zebras … together.”
I smile at the memory of us hanging from the scaffolding, but before I let myself go down this path, I need to make sure he’s sure. I lean back so I can get a good look at him and not be distracted by his nearness and his lips, which I very much would like to capture with my own right now.
“I’m afraid you’re going to resent me because I’m not as social as you are.
” He opens his mouth to argue, but I shake my head and press on.
“I was outgoing and fun the first night we met, but that’s not really me.
I’m introverted and boring. I’m … still in hiding because most of the world hates me. ”
“First of all, I don’t care about most of the world.
” The determined look he gives me arrives straight to my heart, like a steroid shot of tenderness.
“Second of all, I won’t resent you for being you.
You say being bold and fun isn’t really who you are, but I’m pretty sure the same person sitting here with me was the one behind the mask at the gala.
That’s the same you. I would know—I’ve been trying to drink in every detail since the moment I laid eyes on you. ”
This man and his sweet compliments. He’s going to end me.
I stare at him, and I can tell he truly believes that. I have my doubts, but as if reading my mind, he cocks his head to the side and adds, “You don’t get to tell me how I’m going to feel about you. I will be the one telling you how I do feel, starting by saying that you’re exquisite.”
“TJ,” I breathe. “Stop it. You’re being too … too nice. It’s too much.”
“Not possible. Let me be nice. Let me tell you that I think you’re fun and funny. I love how your mind works. I love that you truly listen to my grandparents when they talk to you. I want to hang out with you all the time. I like your bold side and your quiet side. I like all of you, Lu.”
He’s single-handedly taking a sledgehammer to every one of the arguments I had for not dating him. I’m very impressed.
“Okay.” I say the word slowly.
He leans forward, closer to me. “Okay, like you’re willing to give this a chance?”
“I am if you are.” I nod, my heart ready to burst. The mile-wide smile that spreads across TJ’s face is one of pure, unfiltered delight. It makes me brave. “I do have a question.”
“Yeah? Anything.”
“Do you remember when we were at the top of the steps at the gala, before they called you down to the stage?” I pause, waiting to see if the moment registers for him. He nods. “You said something to me then.”
“I told you I wanted to kiss you.” His eyes dip to my lips and then up again. “That I wanted to kiss you very much. But that you should wait until someone knows you and cherishes you to have your first kiss.”
I hum. “I was wondering”—I glance down, biting my lip before meeting his gaze again; it’s turned molten—“if maybe you could show me how that would go.”
TJ’s neck is taut with restraint, but he shifts his body, bringing one arm out of the hot tub and resting it on the side.
He starts drawing languid shapes on my shoulder blade.
The water droplets left behind by his finger cool in the frigid night air, only for my skin to be warmed again when he makes another pass. The sensation is addictive.
“That depends.” His voice is low and careful.
“On what?”
“Are you asking for story inspiration?”
“I … I was hoping this would just be for you and me.”
He nods slowly. “Then I want you to know that I still very much want to kiss you. Not because you’re beautiful. That’s what I knew on night one. Now I know so much more, Lu, and I—” His voice breaks, and he swallows, trying again. “I am overwhelmed by you.”
“Kiss me, TJ. Please,” I beg.
“I want to go slow with you. I want to give you the control,” he murmurs, drawing me in enough that he can press his lips to my forehead. He leans back so he’s looking at me. “You take the lead.”
Nothing has ever been more alluring to me in my entire life than this man, here, waiting on me and ensuring that I feel safe.
I gulp and nod. I have no idea what I’m doing, but he’s managed to completely allay all my worries about whether I’m going to do this right. I feel at ease and cared for. I swing myself over so both of my legs are on the far side of TJ’s body and I’m sitting on his lap.
“Is this where you want to be?” he asks, pressing his mouth to my collarbone.
“Yes.” I wrap my arms around his neck, trailing my fingers through his short hair. “I want to be close to you.”
He cradles my body against his, wrapping his strong arms around me and pressing his nose into my neck. He inhales a shuddering breath.
“I really like being held by you,” I whisper.
“Good,” he murmurs. “What else would you like?”
I shift, and he loosens his grip enough that I can look him in the eye. “I’d like to kiss you now.”
I close the distance between us and press my lips to his. It’s nothing and everything to me at the same time. It’s like breathing—simple, necessary. Something I have to do. Something that’s a gift to get to do.
TJ tightens his arms around my waist when I cup his face.
He doesn’t move. He’s giving me time to explore his lips at my own pace.
They’re softer than I expected, and I like that.
A big, tough football player with soft and sweet lips.
I pause at the corner of his mouth and smile before I kiss the crease.
I drag my lips across his and move to the other side, pressing another kiss in that corner.
TJ’s chest is heaving, and his eyes flutter open when I pull back.
He blinks a couple times and gazes at me.
“Now,” I tell him, “I’d like you to kiss me back. I don’t want you to worry about going too fast or being too careful. I trust you, TJ. Please—”
He doesn’t wait for me to say more. He drags his hands up my torso.
Water splashes around us as he spears his fingers through my hair.
He lets his thumbs rest along my cheekbones as he kisses me.
Firm and strong and sure. The cold air swirling around us and the steamy haze off the water heightens everything about this experience.
The liquid droplets on my cheeks cool and sting, but even that feels good right now.
TJ takes his mouth away from mine, and I immediately protest, but before I can complain too much, he’s moved his lips to the column of my neck. I gasp and feel him smile against where my pulse flutters.
“I can’t get enough of you, Lu,” he says as he presses an open-mouth kiss to that spot.
I snap my eyes shut, letting my head roll back. “Kiss me there again. Please,” I add.
This time, he scrapes his teeth against that spot, and my toes curl. I blink my eyes open to find him watching me, his gaze a blazing flame of desire. He smiles, keeping his eyes fixed on mine as he kisses me there again.
Having him hold my gaze with such care and adoration might be my undoing. His eyes shut as he sets to work trailing a line of sparks down my neck and back up again, and I feel like a firework about to explode.
I go up on my knees with my legs on either side of his waist and press my body into his, kissing him soundly on the mouth as he leans back, his fingers digging into the skin at my hips. He tastes like peppermint and fresh winter air, and he’s delicious and wonderful and warm.
I expected my first kiss to feel awkward.
In a lot of ways, I couldn’t wait to get it over with so I could at least say I experienced it.
It was like a looming box that I hadn’t checked.
Here, with TJ, I don’t want to rush. I don’t feel self-conscious.
If this is on my to-do list, I’d like to do it forever.
I didn’t realize how much kissing could be like a conversation without words.
The back and forth, the humor mixed with moments of intensity that steal my breath.
TJ keeps checking in, keeps making sure I’m happy and comfortable.
He’s respecting me while not treating me like I’m weak.
He’s showing me with his kisses what he’s been showing me since the night of the gala—that he’s dependable and strong and cares about my feelings.
For the record, right now, I am feeling some type of way.
Desired. Cherished. On fire.
“You’re too good to me,” I say between kisses.
“Not possible,” he says against my lips. His breath is ragged. “You’re so beautiful, Lucy. I could never deserve you, but I’m going to try.”
Our kisses turn more languid and unhurried.
We take our time. I explore his mouth and manage to find a spot right at the hinge point of his jaw that makes him growl when I kiss it.
It’s a powerful feeling being close to TJ like this, seeing him be open with me in a vulnerable way.
I vow to myself I’ll cherish him the same way he’s cherishing me.
I trace his tattoos again with my fingers, and we stay in the hot tub, tangled in each other. We talk and share secrets and dreams and goals and hopes and worries. As the cold wind whips around us, here, in TJ’s arms, I feel like I’ll be warm for the rest of my life.