Chapter Twenty-Two
Anna heaved the bags of food into the hallway, put them down and closed the door behind her. It was Ben’s last night before he went back to Cheshire and Anna wanted to make it special. It had been a joy having him around this week and she’d seen firsthand how much Daniel had enjoyed spending more time with his son. He’d miss him all the more after today, but she’d do her best to distract him next week. Part of her wished Lucinda could settle in London so that the separation wasn’t so great, but then she didn’t think she’d enjoy having her any closer. She’d been a constant irritation this week. Anna had noticed her linger far longer than was necessary to either drop Ben off or to pick him up. She also hadn’t missed the way Lucinda’s eyes constantly strayed to Daniel, or the way she had to touch him, resting her hand on his arm whenever she had the opportunity. It was definitely odd behaviour for an ex-wife.
She heard voices in the kitchen and wondered if Charlotte had called round as she often did, but as she went down the hallway she realised it was Lucinda speaking. She froze for a moment, wondering what to do. She needed to go into the kitchen to put the food away, but she couldn’t face seeing Lucinda.
‘Daniel, we were good together once. We could be again.’
Anna’s mouth dropped open in shock at Lucinda’s words — she found that she couldn’t move.
‘Lucinda, I—’
‘Please just hear me out. I know we couldn’t make it work before, but a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then. I’m much happier now. Going back home has given me the stability I never had when I was here. It was the location that got in our way before. But now that you’re not so focused on living here, we could make it work together in Cheshire, with you coming back to London when you need to.’
‘Lucinda—’
‘Think about it. It would be so much better for Ben to have us under one roof rather than being shipped from pillar to post every other weekend.’
Lucinda paused when Daniel remained silent, and Anna could only assume he was considering her proposal. When he didn’t reply, Lucinda continued.
‘We had such a good time together the other week, just the three of us. Imagine that happening every day.’
Anna felt sick. He hadn’t mentioned anything about the three of them spending time together when she wasn’t there. But then of course he wouldn’t, would he? Unable to face hearing his reply, Anna left her shopping bags in the hallway and fled.
* * *
At first, all he could think about was living back with Ben again. Not having to spend only every other weekend with him, but be involved in his life on a daily basis. But that, of course, came with a price. He’d loved Lucinda once, a long time ago. Over the years he’d taken off the rose-tinted glasses and begun to see her for what she was. Needy, for one. Highly strung for another. And her mood swings were phenomenal. When he’d lived with her, he’d never known what he’d be coming home to. A lot of that had been due to hormones, both pregnancy and postnatal, but he could still see it in her now, the need to always have her own way. There was no such thing as compromise in Lucinda’s book. Did he really want to go back to that?
And then he thought of Anna and the relationship he had with her. Theirs was a truly equal partnership. They understood each other, could talk to each other, were interested in the same things. And she went out of her way to make him happy, as he did her. Anna was easy-going and she was beautiful on the inside and out. Did he want to swap that for living with Lucinda? The honest answer was a definite ‘no’, even if it meant not living with his son.
‘Lucinda, I . . .’ Daniel hesitated, knowing that the words he used now could change everything. She would expect him to jump at this opportunity and wouldn’t like being turned down. If he got it wrong, it could jeopardise his flexible access to Ben. ‘I’m very flattered by you asking me. And it would be great to spend more time with Ben. But . . .’ He paused. ‘But I don’t think getting back together would work. You know we drive each other crazy, and if we tried and it didn’t work out, that would really hurt Ben.’
‘You’re turning me down?’ Her voice was full of steel.
‘I am. But only because I think it’s the right thing to do. We nearly destroyed each other before. It took me so long to get over you and I suspect it was the same for you. I couldn’t bear to hurt you or be hurt like that again.’
‘I see. And here’s me thinking that’s what you wanted. You’ve certainly made it seem like that recently.’
‘I’m sorry if you think I’ve misled you. That was never my intention.’
‘You’d prefer to keep your little photographer girl, would you?’
‘It’s not about Anna. It’s about us.’
‘Well, have it your way. I’ll bring Ben over later and he can spend his last night with you. But we’re leaving first thing in the morning, so he’d better be ready.’
She turned on her heel and stalked off down the hallway towards the front door. On one hand, that had gone better than he’d been expecting, but still, he thought as the door slammed behind her, he didn’t think this was the last he’d hear of it.
* * *
Anna wandered aimlessly until she found herself beside Hyde Park. She walked in, found the nearest bench and sat down. She could scarcely believe what she’d just heard. Was there a chance that Daniel and Lucinda would get back together? She wondered if she should have stayed to hear his answer, then she would’ve known for certain. But that moment’s hesitation had told her he was at least thinking about it. Or perhaps he was just in shock. She wanted to believe that. But she kept remembering how Lucinda had said they’d spent time together when she wasn’t there. And Daniel hadn’t told her. Surely if there was nothing in it, he would have mentioned it to her? From now on, whenever he was in Cheshire without her, would she be wondering whether he was with Lucinda? The mother of his child. They’d be a family again. The three of them. Daniel could be the parent he wanted to be. If Daniel and Lucinda could make it work a second time around, it would be the perfect solution.
Of course it would crucify her. The thought of not having him in her life produced a stabbing pain in her chest. But she loved him so much she couldn’t bear for him not to be happy. And so she decided that, if that’s what he chose, she wouldn’t stand in his way. Her life was here in London. Her career was taking off. She had her next exhibition coming up and Eva’s Instagram was such a success. Eva was thinking of writing a book, using Anna’s photographs to illustrate it. Anna could certainly keep herself busy. And then there was her family — especially Jack.
Anna had managed to convince Jack that their father needed to know what had happened before the court hearing. She’d wanted Jack to be the one to tell him, but it had been impossible from his police cell, so she had been the one to break the news. Of course, her father had been devastated, and he’d blamed himself for throwing Jack out of the house.
‘You couldn’t have known it would come to this,’ she’d said in an effort to reassure him.
‘I knew the way he was going, I should have tried harder to help him, not turn my back on him.’
‘I doubt he would have listened to you then.’ She paused. ‘I know it might not seem like it now, but this could be a good thing for him in the long run.’
‘How on earth do you make that out?’
‘I only spoke to him briefly on the phone, but he was a different Jack. I think this has been a real wake-up call for him. He’s hit rock bottom and now the only way is back up.’
‘I hope you’re right.’ Her father didn’t sound convinced.
‘I do too. I think we need to look to the future, not the past. Right now, Jack needs our support, not recriminations or guilt.’
He nodded slowly. ‘Yes, I think you’re probably right.’
And so they had both attended the court hearing where, as the solicitor had predicted, Jack had been remanded in custody until sentencing.
Anna shifted uncomfortably on the bench. At least, as he was pleading guilty, he wouldn’t have to wait for a trial before he found out his fate. The one good thing about all this was that Jack had promised to send them both visiting orders. While the prospect of visiting him in prison terrified her, at least now they had a hope of mending the rift in their family. So, right now, her life was here, where she could once more support her family.
Thinking about families reminded her of Ben, and the prospect of never seeing him again brought a sob to her throat. For now, though, until he’d gone back home, she’d just have to put her big-girl pants on, and pretend she hadn’t heard the conversation that had shattered her happiness.
* * *
Daniel was still in the kitchen when she arrived back, but there was no trace of anyone else having been there.
‘Hey! You’ve been gone ages. I was beginning to think you’d got lost.’
‘Sorry, it just took me longer than I’d expected to find everything I needed.’
They were planning a Chinese banquet for tonight, Ben’s favourite. Daniel had suggested they order a takeaway, but Anna had wanted to cook things herself, to show Ben the effort she wanted to make for him.
‘And you’ve got everything?’
‘Yep. So I want you out of the kitchen. I need to be alone to produce a gastronomic masterpiece.’
‘Fair enough. Have you got time for a coffee first?’
‘Sure.’ She wondered if he was going to talk to her about Lucinda’s visit. She began to put the shopping away as a form of distraction. ‘What have you been up to this morning?’
‘Nothing much. Working mainly. I’ve just taken a break now.’
He was lying to her. At the very least by omission. She opened the fridge so she had her back to him. He wouldn’t see her blinking back tears.
‘Productive day?’ She hoped her voice didn’t sound as strangulated to him as it did to her.
‘Not really.’ He put the coffee down on the breakfast bar. ‘I’d better get back to it, I suppose. Give me a shout if you need help with anything.’
‘Sure.’ She shut the fridge door, but in the empty kitchen she was still cold.
* * *
Daniel felt like such a coward fleeing from the kitchen like that. When Anna had come back he’d had every intention of telling her about Lucinda’s visit but, when it came down to it, he just couldn’t find the words. How could he explain to Anna what had taken place that morning when he couldn’t make sense of it himself?
Looking back at the week, Lucinda had certainly been round a lot more than she usually was. Lingering whenever she dropped Ben off or picking him up, and inviting Daniel in whenever he did the same. But he had put it down to the fact that she was in London, out of her comfort zone, and with Axel working he’d assumed she was lonely. And he’d felt sorry for her. He knew how much she hated London, and had even wondered why she’d come to stay in the first place. But he’d been glad of the opportunity to see Ben on his home turf.
Daniel thought about Anna as he tried and failed to work. He should have come clean with her. Told her about Lucinda suggesting they get back together again, but that he’d turned her down. He’d lied by saying the only thing he’d been doing that morning was working — he hated lies. She didn’t deserve that, especially as she was in the kitchen preparing a meal for Ben on his last night in London. She was so good with Ben and that made him love her all the more. Love. He’d never told her, but now he had to admit to himself that he was in love with her. And the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her. He’d noticed how she seemed to go into her shell whenever Lucinda was around. He also couldn’t fail to see how Lucinda eyed Anna with daggers, making barbed comments about her whenever Ben was out of earshot. Slowly Anna was growing in confidence, and he knew that if she found out Lucinda had tried to get back with him, even if he’d turned her down, it would knock her. Anna found it difficult to trust and in her mind it would cast doubt on their relationship. On the other hand, he didn’t want this to come between them. He would tell her, he decided, but not today. Not when Lucinda would be dropping Ben off later, and they’d be spending his last night with his son. Tomorrow, he decided — he would tell her tomorrow. And he’d try to do it in such a way that she knew she could trust him and had nothing to fear from his ex-wife.
* * *
‘Oh, wow, Anna, have you really done all this for me?’ Ben’s face was a picture when she showed him the food set out on the dining table. That was worth every second of her toiling in the kitchen. As she’d worked, she’d tried to push the thought of Daniel and Lucinda to the back of her mind. It kept popping to the surface, but she told herself to ignore it. Tonight was about Ben and that was all that mattered. Tomorrow she would confront Daniel about what had actually happened this morning, but, for now, she would concentrate on the present.
‘Yes, I did do all this for you, because I know how much you enjoy your Chinese. These are just the starters, so let’s tuck in before they go cold.’
All through the evening she kept looking at Ben, trying to remember the features of his face, locking in the memory of the three of them together. She feared it could be the last time she’d see him.
After they’d finished eating, the three of them settled onto the enormous sofa in Daniel’s living room and watched Hotel Transylvania , Ben’s favourite film. If this had been a normal night she’d probably have felt utterly content. But tonight it was bittersweet. It was all she could do to blink back the tears and force a smile onto her face.
From time to time she caught Daniel staring at her with a puzzled expression. Was he wondering what was the matter? Or did he know this might be the last time they would spend time like this? It was almost a relief when Daniel announced it was time for Ben to go to bed. She offered to take him up and afterwards went to bed herself. When Daniel came up, she feigned sleep. He didn’t attempt to wake her up.
* * *
The next morning she was up early, mixing pancakes for Ben.
‘You really do show your love by feeding people, don’t you?’ Daniel’s voice at the kitchen doorway startled her. The whisk jerked upwards, splashing pancake batter over the worktop.
‘I just want to give him a good breakfast before his long journey.’
Daniel sighed. ‘It’s been great having him here, hasn’t it? I’m really going to miss him.’
‘I know you are. And, yes, it has been great. I’m going to miss him too.’ Daniel didn’t know how much and Anna decided not to enlighten him.
‘You’re great with him, you know, and he thinks the world of you.’
‘He’s a good kid.’ She heard the catch in her voice and lowered her head, concentrating once more on the pancake batter. She took a few surreptitious deep breaths to calm herself down. She had to keep it together.
‘Are you okay?’ Daniel asked. ‘You’ve been a bit down since yesterday.’
‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she managed to say. ‘I’m just going to miss Ben, that’s all.’
‘Will you be here to see him off?’
‘No, I can’t. I’ve got a meeting with Eva.’ A meeting that she’d purposely arranged so she could avoid Lucinda.
‘Oh, that’s a shame.’
‘That’s why I’m making him breakfast,’ she said brightly.
Ben came stretching and yawning into the kitchen.
‘Morning,’ she said. ‘Did you sleep well?’
‘Great, thanks. Are you making pancakes?’
‘I am.’
‘My favourite.’
‘I know.’ She smiled back at him and he walked over to her, put his arms around her waist and hugged her to him. She put her hand on his head, feeling the silkiness of his hair beneath her fingers. God, she was going to miss him. ‘Come on, then,’ she said, affecting cheerfulness. ‘Let’s get this pancake show on the road, otherwise you won’t have time to eat them before your mum picks you up.’
When breakfast was over and the washing-up done, Anna made her escape, not wanting to say a long goodbye to Ben.