Now #3
Evie’s hand rises to her lips, gaze on the strand. “You’ve been carrying her with you this whole time? During every race?” she whispers through her fingers.
“Yes. I take you two with me on the tracks every single time. You’re my lucky charms.”
It’s sentimental and a little cheesy, which I’m aware of. But I don’t expect Evie to react the way she does at the revelation. She tilts into full-blown tears with a sob, pressing her hand harder on her mouth to try to quench it.
I carefully close the locket until it clicks and place it on the changing table with everything else.
“Hey, hey, hey, it’s alright, princess. Everything’s alright,” I whisper, taking her in my arms.
She cries into my chest so hard that I begin to wonder what I did wrong. Worried, I grab her chin and force her to look up at me. “Are you okay?”
“No … I—I thought I could do this, but I think I was wrong. Everything is going so fast, I just—I can’t keep up. I can feel myself spiraling. Like I’m descending into madness.”
I do my best to dismiss the ugly thoughts trying to slither their way into my mind. No, she’s not saying we need to end this. She’s just a little overwhelmed.
“Have you been reading hateful comments online again?” I wonder.
“No. I promise. But I’ve received calls from friends and family.
My mom’s being harassed every day, journalists knocking on her door to ask about me.
They found out about Nathan, and people have been calling him a cuck all week.
And they got my phone number, even though Cynthia quickly removed it from the firm’s website.
It was ringing so much I turned it off yesterday and haven’t checked since. ”
“Fucking hell … This is getting out of hand.”
“It’s been out of hand since the Netherlands, Jax. And I want to be strong enough for you. I want to let it all slide, like you said. But I just can’t. I’m not built like you. I don’t face my issues. I dissociate until I’m numb to everything and then flee.”
I’m well aware of that, but I think it’s important that she’s realized it. At least this time, she might handle it better. “We can try being low-profile for a while,” I suggest. “We keep the PDA to a minimum, like we did in Monaco. No one realized.”
“Because no one knew about us. They’ll be looking more closely this time. They’ll ambush us, shove cameras in our faces, expose every little detail of our relationship in magazines.”
Still struggling to understand what she’s getting at, I ask, “So, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know … The European season is almost over. There’s Monza, Madrid, and then it’s all flyaway races. I was always supposed to go back to Colorado after the summer. It’s what we discussed. So, I was thinking you could take me to the airport in Milan after the race. And I’ll fly home.”
“I was hoping this place started to feel like home to you,” I say, poorly hiding the bitterness I feel.
“It does, but only because you’re here. I have responsibilities that I need to take care of. Projects I need to work on. Clients I’ve ignored for too long. I won’t be able to follow you around the world. I need to go back.”
“Okay, that’s fair. I’ll see how I can move things around to join you there between races.”
“Jackson, no, I …”
“What?”
“I think I need some time alone.”
That’s hard to misinterpret. My teeth clench of their own volition, and I grit through them, “What do you mean?”
“Everything’s been going so fast. I need a breather to sort it all out in my head. I was engaged to another man five months ago. And three months ago, when I joined you in Monaco, I was dead set on never letting this, us, become a thing again.”
“How have things been going fast, Evie? This has been a thing for fifteen years.”
“You know what I mean. I went from wanting a divorce to being thrown into the lion’s den in under six months. And everything with Ophelia has been so much to process. I … I feel like I’m drowning, Jax. I need some time alone to think clearly.”
“Right, because it worked so well for us last time.”
She shakes her head. “No, I promise I’ll come back this time, Jax. No matter what I choose, I’ll come back and let you know.”
I can’t fucking believe this. She’s doing it again. She’s fucking leaving me. Again. Seething rage builds up in me—at myself more than at her. I’m a fucking idiot for believing this could work. I should have known how she’d respond the moment her fight-or-flight instinct kicked in.
I let myself believe, let myself hope we’d changed enough to make it work this time. God knows I’ve done everything I fucking could for it.
Struggling to sort through my crowded emotions, I grip Evie’s hands when she tries to lay them over my chest.
“Jax, please … I don’t want this to turn into some big fight.”
“How can you be so casual about it?” I seethe.
“Believe me, I’m not. But every other aspect of my life is crumbling, Jax. My friendships, my family, my career, my dignity … I’m losing myself in you again. And I worked so hard on finding out who I am.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You were my entire world, Jax. You were the sun. Everything revolved around you. I worked so I could help you, followed you around, supported you, left everything behind … From ages fifteen to twenty-two, I lived and breathed racing for you. When I left, I realized how empty everything was without you. I didn’t have a purpose.
I didn’t have a degree. I had nothing. And I spent seven years finding out who I wanted to be. Who I am when you’re no longer around.”
She pauses, eyes somewhere on my shirt, but I can tell she’s not done yet. I want to reply, want to argue. Let her know she was my sun, too. But is that true? I refused to miss a few races for her. Not even when she begged me to, for the sake of our unborn child.
When she speaks again, her voice is so low I have to lean closer to hear it properly.
“By the time I figured it out, it was too late to come back to you, Jax. You had moved on. You were seeing women. You were racing. You were thriving. So I decided I’d stay away.
I’d let you live the life you were destined to have and watch from afar while I lived mine. ”
She meets my gaze to say, louder this time, “And then you came back, with all your confident bravado, and threw a wrench into all of it. I have no fiancé, ten million dollars that make those years of figuring things out by myself useless, and I’m in Europe with you, thrown into the Formula world again, right back where I started.
I need a moment to think, Jackson. To breathe. ”
Something in her eyes tells me she’s made her decision, and nothing I can say will change her mind. Or maybe I could, with enough determination, but I’d be an asshole for it, wouldn’t I? Her fears and worries are all valid. And her arguments are so sharp and accurate that they hurt.
“You really want to go back to Colorado,” I say, my voice barely more than a whisper.
It’s not a question, but she still answers, “Yes.”
In my chest, my heart is breaking all over again. I try not to show it, but it’s clear she notices.
Gently, her hand rises to cradle the side of my face. She wipes away a tear I didn’t realize was there and says, “We have one more weekend together, Hot Wheels. Let’s make it count, okay?”
When she rises to her toes as her hand pulls me down, I give in. I’m not good at resisting her. I’ve never been.
And to my greatest despair, I might never get to learn.