Now #3
“One day, I decided it had to end. It had been five months since Ophelia died, and I wasn’t feeling any better.
I thought I would never know joy again, never move on from the tragedy that struck us.
And I decided to swallow my entire bottle of sleeping pills.
I realized five pills in that after losing your daughter, you’d come home to find your wife’s lifeless body.
And I couldn’t do that to you. It was too cruel.
You didn’t deserve that. Without realizing it, you saved me. ”
His mesmerizing gaze is shiny with tears, pain twisting his eyebrows as he processes my confession.
“I threw what was left of the pills in the toilet so I wouldn’t be tempted again, forced myself to puke out the ones I’d swallowed, and prepared an exit plan instead.
I know you thought I abandoned you that day, Jax, but I was freeing you.
You were trying so hard to lift me up, but I knew I would drag you down with me instead.
You had your teammates, Formula 2, your dream …
You had a reason to live when I felt like I had none. ”
Hoping he doesn’t take it personally, I lay a hand over his muscular torso. He should have been my reason to live. And in a way, he was. But staying by his side was too painful.
“I returned to Indianapolis,” I continue explaining, “where Mariana let me stay with her for a while. I didn’t think I would get better.
It wasn’t really the plan. But I did. Being away from you, from the house, returning to work …
It distracted me enough that I didn’t think about what happened all the time.
I resumed my studies, worked on myself …
And by the time I was ready to come back, you had moved on. ”
“I never moved on,” he feels compelled to say.
“I know that now. But back then, I was witnessing your rise in the Formula One world. Seeing headlines with women you were allegedly dating. Watching you in interviews and everything. So I decided I wouldn’t return to you.
We’d fallen in love as kids, and adulthood had caught up with us, showing us we weren’t as compatible as we thought. ”
“I would have welcomed you back in a heartbeat, Evie.”
I offer him an apologetic smile. “You did. Even seven years later, you took me back.”
Feeling grateful for his forgiveness, I caress the trimmed side of his head.
“I’m telling you all this because I need you to understand that the year that followed Ophelia’s death was so emotionally damaging that it left deep scars.
I’m still not sure how I made it out alive.
But I moved back to Colorado after getting my bachelor’s, found the position with Cynthia, and built my own little life there.
Nathan offered stability, predictability, and I think that’s why I allowed myself to love him, in a way.
I needed that on a subconscious level. And then you barged in and flipped my peaceful, organized world on its axis.
I tried to fight it because there was this nagging in the back of my head that kept telling me only pain and suffering were at the end of that road.
As though those emotional scars had woken up, and they were itching, like a constant reminder of what I went through. ”
Like he can’t help himself, he tenderly grazes my temple with his knuckles, as if trying to appease what went on behind the layer of skin and bone there, in my brain.
“But of course, you won me over, and all the nagging died down. All I could see was you, and how deeply and incandescently happy you make me. When the whole thing happened with the press, those insecurities and doubts came back with a vengeance. It felt like the beginning of the end. I tried to fight those thoughts, but it was all I could see, all I could hear. And on top of everything, I dreaded the day they would find out about Ophelia, because it would bring it all back to the surface. The worst moment of my life, of our lives, plastered all over the internet for everyone’s entertainment. And I just couldn’t bear it.”
Jax shakes his head. “They won’t ever find out about her.
When privacy became an issue because of my fame, I had my legal team contact the hospital to request enhanced protection for all records relating to Ophelia’s birth and death.
Even the consultations you had throughout the pregnancy.
Those files can only be accessed by senior medical staff, and every access requires a login. ”
My heart burns with love for this man more than it ever has before. “You protected her from them?”
“She was technically protected by law, but I took extra measures, yes.” We say nothing for a moment, staring at one another for lengthy seconds. Then he gently asks, “What are those nagging scars telling you now, Evie?”
I let out a small, self-deprecating laugh.
“They’re still saying all the same things, though they aren’t as loud.
I won’t ever enjoy being photographed by paparazzi.
Or having strangers speculate about my life.
I don’t think I’ll ever wake up excited about red carpets or interviews or people following us with cameras. ”
His lips twitch slightly. “Yeah, I’m not fond of that either. I just learned to live with it.”
“I’m not sure I ever will. But what truly changed is that I started asking myself a different question. The right question.” I take a slow breath. “Would I rather live through all of that with you, or spend the rest of my life without you?”
A small, familiar smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth.
“And the answer came back so clearly, Jax. I’ve spent seven years trying to build a life without you, but not once have I felt as complete as I have during the moments we spent together this season. You are a part of me, Jax.”
There’s so much love in his expression, it almost hurts. I know what he’ll do before he even moves to kiss me. I easily avoid his lips to say, “This leaves us with just one question left to answer.”
“Which one?”
“Would you rather be with a woman who will never truly fit in your world but will forever love you unconditionally and never leave you again, or would you rather find someone who’ll be the perfect fit and always know what to do or say in all circumstances?”
His smile stretches, his hand on my hip gently squeezing. “This one’s way too easy, princess. I’ll take chaos with you over anything with anyone else. A thousand times over.”
“Even if your life is already so full of chaos?”
He nods with absolute certainty.
From day one, this man has known what he wanted.
I’ve always known I wanted him. Even as a naive fifteen-year-old who didn’t really grasp what it meant or the full implications.
But now I know I want to be with him. No matter the cost. No matter how hard it might get.
Because at the end of the day, it will forever be worth it. A thousand times over.