Chapter Twenty-Six
Liv
Iexhale, pushing the smoke through my lips until a cloud forms above me, and it slowly dissipates. It’s so late that my eyes are heavy from exhaustion and all the tears, but I couldn’t sleep for the life of me.
Thea’s in my bed, Callie’s on the couch, and Natalie was curled up like a cat on the chair in the living room when I tiptoed to the back door.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll pack a bag and go to Thea’s instead of going on my honeymoon, and as much as I love her and her little family, it’s a tough pill to swallow.
“You shouldn’t be out here alone.” That voice.
It stops me from pulling the joint from my lips, so I take another drag and blow the smoke out, giving me some time to process.
“I figured the day couldn’t get much worse,” I say into thin air.
“Is Olive Greenwood breaking the law?” He asks, making his silhouette visible in the dark outskirts of my porch.
“A nasty little habit I picked up in college,” I tell him sarcastically as he comes into the light of the back porch. It’s nearly 4 am. “What are you doing here?”
“I was out for a stroll.” He steps closer, and I don’t muffle the gasp that escapes me.
“You look terrible.”
He snorts. “Thanks, I’d say the same to you… But that’d be a lie.”
“Shut up.” I know I have bags heavier than concrete under my eyes and remnants of wedding makeup smeared across my face.
“I got your letter.”
“You were also supposed to get the memo to leave me alone.” I pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my free arm around my shins.
“I had to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
He glances at the pot on my patio table, totally unconvinced.
“Besides, I heard you were the one losing it today.”
“I might’ve been a little upset.”
He would have come for me. “Are you pissed at Lochlan for putting you in a cage?”
“No, he meant well.”
“He meant well… Really?”
“Lochlan knows me how Thea knows you.”
“He’s your best friend. You can just say that you know?”
He rolls his eyes. “He’s more like a brother, honestly.”
“You regularly get into physical fights with your brother?” I air-quote.
“Well, yeah, actually. He’s the only person who encourages me to fight because I need to. He gets me on that level. We’ve been there for each other all these years. Keeping each other in check when we need to, punching each other in the face when we need that.” He shrugs.
“Men are idiots.”
He chuckles, scrubbing his hand over his chin. “Yeah, I guess we are.”
Silence descends as the sounds of the night linger around us.
“I’m glad you didn’t get married.”
My stomach somersaults, and I take another long drag, letting that statement sink in. “Why?”
“You know why.”
“So you can keep toying with me?” I take another deep pull, and I choke on the smoke, coughing until my airway clears.
“Put that out,” he demands, stepping closer.
“Do I seem like the type of woman who follows orders?”
“Not yet.” He sinks into the seat in front of me, letting his knees brush the tips of my toes.
I hate to admit that something instinctual inside of me almost makes me snuff out the joint, but my mind fights it. Instead, I put my hand out and tip my head, offering it to him.
His eyes don’t leave mine as he plucks it out of my fingers and places it between his lips. The smoke fills his mouth, but he lets it out quickly and smoothly before jamming the burning end into the ashtray.
“Not in the mood to get high?”
“I don’t do drugs.” He relaxes into his chair, clasping his hands over his chest. “I just wanted to taste where your lips had been.”
“Jensen, don’t,” I breathe, overwhelmed with the implication of that.
“Why?”
“I just ended my engagement 12 hours ago.”
“I can wait.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
“Because I already waited for you!” The words fly out hotter than I intended, and I have to squeeze my eyes shut to regain my composure.
“You made me think you died instead of manning up and breaking up with me– I mean…” I scrub my hand over my face.
We weren’t ever dating or even technically together, but I was in love with him. It felt worse than any breakup.
Including the one I had today.
“I did.”
“You did what?”
He pulls his sleeve up, showing me the tattoo on the inside of his forearm. The claw marks. “Give me your hand.” I don’t respond. “Olive,” he insists, holding his out to take mine.
I put my palm gingerly in his, ignoring the way it feels as he tugs me closer, letting my fingertips run along the length of the tattoo. “Feel that?”
“A scar?” He nods, and the gravity of it hits me. “You attempted suicide?” The words barely escape above a whisper.
“Succeeded actually. They said my heart stopped beating for almost four minutes.”
Four minutes… He really died.
“You bastard.” The anger explodes out of me, and I jet from my seat, bashing my fists against his chest. “How could you?” I demand, pushing so hard that his chair tips back and he barely saves himself from falling with it.
He steadies his feet and grips my fists in his hands at the same time, pulling me into his chest.
“How dare you?” I cry, still trying to beat him.
“I didn’t know if you were alive or dead for months!
I called every week, trying to convince someone, anyone, to give me information.
I only knew you were alive because one person slipped, and they confirmed that you were an active prisoner.
You never called me. You never told me what you did! ”
I cry until my arms fall limp, and he pulls me in until my face is buried in his shirt. “I didn’t want you to know.” He shakes my shoulders gently, trying to get my attention. “I didn’t want you to know,” he repeats, softer and filled with pain.
“I was so fucking ashamed of everything I did. You told me you were going to drop out of college, and I lost my mind. I thought you’d be better off if I were gone. I thought you could move on.”
I shove away from his embrace. “You thought I’d move on if you died?” I screech. “All these years, I thought you hated me because of Mr. Arkett. I thought you were punishing me.”
“Don’t say his name,” he begs.
“I thought you didn’t want to see me because I disgusted you. I thought you were mad at me. I knew you’d flip out if you saw what was happening. I knew you’d be angry, but I liked the attention,” I seethe.
All of my emotions are at a tipping point today, and I can’t hold anything back.
“He told me I was pretty and he wanted me. He would have acted on it too, when you never did!”
“STOP!” He begs, grabbing his head in his hands. It’s like déjà vu, seeing him react the same way he did in the courtroom when I told my truth to the judge.
“I carried that with me for years! I held all of that guilt because you wouldn’t talk to me! You abandoned me!”
“I went to prison for you!”
“I would have waited!”
“Exactly!” He yells, throwing his hands out. “You would have waited for me, and your life would have been over. You would have put everything on hold, and you wouldn’t have any of this.” He motions around me.
“Your education, your success, and all of your plans for the future would have been ruined because of me!”
“That was my choice,” I mutter.
“What?” He asks in utter disbelief, stepping closer.
“That should have been my choice! But you took it from me.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Olive.”
“I would have chosen you,” I cry. “I would have, but you didn’t choose me.”
“Yes, I did! You just can’t accept that I did what was right for you.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never see eye to eye on this then.”
“I guess not.”
This is when I should go inside. I should slam the door in his face like I have so many times already, but I can’t seem to walk away this time.
I hug myself, trying to calm the shakes taking over my body.
“I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I just can’t stay away when I know you’re so close, and I know you’re hurting.” He sighs. “I guess I only made it worse.”
“Why didn’t you come for me when you got out of prison?” I repeat the question I asked him months ago.
“I assumed you had moved on. Or, I guess I hoped that you did. Besides, I had nothing to offer you. I kept telling myself that once I was stable and could do something to make you proud, I’d come for you. I’d finally apologize for everything I did, and I would see that you were happy.”
“That’s all?”
He closes the distance between us and hesitantly cups my cheeks in his hands. “That’s all that matters. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
“Do I seem happy now?”
“No, you seem fucking miserable.”
I scoff, letting my face lean heavily into his palm. “I’ve been through worse,” I whisper, looking at him sadly.
“Will you ever forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, and his face pinches in pain, but he nods.
“I’ll give you some space. As long as you’re staying with Thea, and Jesse is around to keep an eye on you, I’ll back off.
But I’ll be back to work with you as soon as life returns to normal.
Nothing has changed, Liv. I’m going to keep you safe.
” He lets his hands fall, backing away from me slowly until there is a void between us once again.
Nothing has changed.
Everything has fucking changed. My entire life imploded today, and Jensen is here.
All of the bad days I’ve had since he went to prison, and I wished he were there to help me through them, and he never was.
But he’s here now.
“Jensen,” I utter brokenly to his back just before he disappears into the darkness. His feet freeze midstep, and he turns to look at me. His brows are furrowed in concern as his sad eyes find mine.
“Can I have a hug?” My voice cracks on the last word, and a huff of breath escapes him as he closes the gap between us in two steps.
There’s no hesitation as he wraps his arms around me. I can’t even lift my arms to hug him back as I bury my face in his chest and sobs heave out of me.
His hand threads through my hair, cradling my head to his heart, holding me tight and letting me fall apart in his arms. I don’t know if I’m crying because of my wedding or because of everything else…
But I don’t stop crying until the skin around my eyes is raw and swollen.
Even after the tears stop, I stay in his embrace, soaking in the feeling after being without it for so long. The hug he gave me the night I ran out of gas wasn’t long enough, and I’m starting to realize that none ever will be.
I don’t want him to let go. My hands clasp behind his back, melting into him further.
“I am so proud of you, Hayes,” I whisper into his chest, cherishing that I get to be this close to him, even in the shadows of darkness. “I hope you can find it in you to be proud of yourself, too.”
“Maybe one day,” he murmurs above my head.
“Were you really going to try to stop my wedding?”
He tenses, and I hear him swallow thickly. “I don’t know what I would have done. I kept telling myself that I needed to look at you one more time. If I walked in and saw your face, I’d know.”
“You’d know what?”
“If you needed to be rescued or not.”
A laugh escapes me, and I smother it against his chest. He knew I needed to be rescued even when I was too stubborn to admit it.
It felt like it was too late.
“And, then what?’
He palms the back of my neck, tilting my head up towards his. “Then I’d do whatever it took to get you smiling again.”
Jensen Hayes has always had a way of putting me under his spell. Even when there was nothing between us but friendship, I was in love with his smile and his charm. I’d dream about the day he looked at me like a man in love…
With nothing to hold back, no friendship to preserve. I wanted his full, undivided infatuation.
But now I’m seeing that look on the night of my canceled wedding to another man, and it’s entirely too much to process.
My emotional cup is empty.
“Go get some sleep, baby girl.” His lips press to my forehead, lingering only a second before he lets go of me completely, backing into the shadows.
Even after he disappears, I know I’m not alone. He’ll watch me until I get inside safely, blanketing me in his warmth while he waits.
I feel it until I slide through my back door, shutting myself into my kitchen. It lingers so long that I convince myself it’s here to stay…
But when I crawl into my cold bed, beside my best friend, I know it’s only temporary.
He leaves, and his warmth disappears with him.