Chapter Thirty-Six
Liv
My laptop jostles in my lap as Hayes drives me home. He hasn’t spoken since we left Malec’s office, and I haven’t been able to shut my brain off.
I can’t fathom that Mr. Arkett is the one stalking me. It’s been so long, and I’ve never had any reason to believe he’s held onto any idea of me.
I don’t use Facebook, I haven’t logged on in years, but I open it reluctantly, searching ‘Landon Arkett’.
A few profiles come up in the results, but I think I’ve forced my brain to forget what he looks like. I have to click on each one before I recognize anyone. Even the profile that I think belongs to him doesn’t convince me.
It’s private, but there are profile photos visible when you click through them. It isn’t until I see the one from years ago with visible facial scarring that I realize that I definitely have the right guy.
Still, there isn’t any reason for me to believe that he’s up to no good. All his profile pictures over the last ten years are boring. One in sunglasses. One with a woman I don’t recognize. A sports team he must like. And, a selfie that looks like he did when he was my teacher.
“What are you looking so serious at?” Hayes asks as he pulls into my driveway. I shut my laptop quickly.
“I forgot to send an important email.”
I shouldn’t lie to him, but I’m terrified of what will happen with Arkett back in the picture. If we find out that he’s my stalker, chaos will follow.
Hayes will lose his temper, and I can’t deal with the repercussions. Not again.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” He asks after walking me to my door.
“I’ll be okay. I’ll keep my doors locked.”
He doesn’t look nearly satisfied, but he only grits his teeth.
“I need to prep for Jeremiah’s trial next week.” I don’t know why I tell him that, but I can’t come up with anything else to say.
He nods, tipping his head to look at me as if he’s debating something before he tugs on my blazer to pull me in for a hug.
I savor the way it feels because I’m too weak to miss out on a chance to be held. Especially when I’m already warring with myself about wanting him to stay.
But despite how desperately I want to forgive him for all the heartbreak he put me through, I can’t forget how it felt. And that is the only way I can get myself to pull back.
His lips brush my forehead as he turns to leave, though, and I feel more of the bad memories fade away…
Replaced by something new.
* * *
They tell you not to bring your work home with you, but it’s the only way that I’m making it through the days without having an existential crisis.
Every day, Hayes drops me off at home, and I lie about wanting him to stay. I immediately distract myself with my case, ignoring my heart and the way it aches for him.
I pretend all day to be fine, and suffer all evening because I’m trying to resist his irrefutable pull.
And yet, when there is a knock on my door, his face is who I hope for first.
“Surprise!” Thea says when I open the door. “We came to check on you.”
I let her and baby Kate in, her little blonde curls bouncing as Thea carries her inside. She reaches for me, and my heart melts.
There is nothing that a sweet baby can’t fix. “How’s my girl, today?”
“Oh, I’m fine, thanks,” Thea giggles at herself. “Kate’s cutting some teeth. She’s been a little grumpy.”
“I don’t believe her, Kate. You’re an angel.” I swing her around in circles, dancing through my living room before hitting the snack cabinet.
“So why are you really here?” I ask after setting Kate up with her favorite puffs.
“Just checking in.” Thea smiles.
“We text all day long and have three separate conversations happening at any given moment. Why the sudden visit?”
“Hayes has called Jesse three times this week, wanting to know if you were okay.”
The pit in my stomach I’ve been trying to ignore grows heavier. “I’m fine.”
“Obviously, you are not fine because despite our hundreds of texts back and forth all week long, you failed to mention a rift happening between you and him or that your old teacher might be your stalker.”
“Mr. Arkett is not involved. It has to be a mistake. And, there isn’t a rift happening. The rift was already in place. Nothing has changed.”
“Oh, Liv.” She looks at me sympathetically.
“What?”
“You’re so cute when you try to lie to me.”
“I am not lying.”
“Wow, this is worse than I thought. You’re really fighting this.”
“I’m not fighting anything. Being around Hayes is just so… Intense. He acts like just yesterday we were still best friends, and the last 11 years never happened. Like he’s waited for me all this time…” I shake my head in disbelief.
“What if he has?”
“I can’t believe that.”
“Why not? You said yourself that you would have waited for him.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“Was it?”
Kate squeals, and I look at her, avoiding Thea’s knowing gaze. “It doesn’t matter. He stole my choice from me all those years ago. He changed my life, and I had no say in it. How am I supposed to get over that?”
“Is your life so horrible?”
“Of course it isn’t.”
“Then how do you know he wasn’t right? Do you think it was easy for him to accept that you were better off without him?”
“Why are you taking his side?”
“I’m not. I’m on your side, and I think your stubbornness is only punishing both of you.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I see the way you light up with him. I’ve never seen you like that with a man, not even Elliot.”
“Yeah, Elliot was a sick joke.”
“No, Elliot was a safe bet. Or, so you thought.” She sighs. “You didn’t have to unthaw your entire heart for him because you weren’t in love with him.”
“I loved him.”
“But you weren’t madly in love.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“You’re in love with Hayes.”
I hang my head in my hands. “It’s not that easy.”
“It can be. He’s made it pretty clear where he stands, but he’s waiting for you, and he doesn’t get to make the choice this time.”
He doesn’t get to make the choice this time.
Hours after Thea and Kate leave, I pull his dress shirt from under my pillow, the one he left behind last week, and I bury my face in it like I have every night.
I slide my arms through the sleeves, draping it over my satin pajama set, and stare at my reflection in the mirror. The fabric of his shirt touches my skin, and tears well in my eyes because I’m craving his touch so desperately.
Memories of this same feeling haunt me. I drop to my knees, digging out my suitcase from under my bed. There’s only one thing inside when I open it.
A faded gray hoodie. More illegible than the day I received it because of the nights I cried myself to sleep in it.
The months that it went unwashed.
The panic attacks it endured.
I caress the rough fabric, remembering all the bad that it’s seen.
I had this sweatshirt, and he had a photograph.
That wasn’t a photograph that he kept tucked away in a drawer. He must’ve held it as many times as I’ve held this sweatshirt. The edges were worn, and the image was discolored.
Except when our reminders started to fade, I tried desperately to move on… I focused on my career, stuck to my life’s plan, and ignored how hollow I was inside.
He tattooed permanent reminders of me on his skin so he wouldn’t forget.
I wanted to erase him, and he refused to lose those pieces of me. I didn’t even let him show me all of them.
He doesn’t get to make the choice this time.
I have to see him.
I snatch my keys off the kitchen counter, and I don’t slow down when I realize how hard it’s raining outside. I jump in my car, pedaling down on the accelerator.
My windshield wipers work overtime as I struggle to see through the dark downpour, but I don’t stop.
Second Chance Sanctuary is ghostly dark when I pull through the gates. The house is barely lit, and the lone floodlight by the barn is casting light on the streams of water coming down.
I still don’t hesitate, jumping out of my car to bust into the garage. I stand there catching my breath, inhaling the thick scent of oil and gasoline, but he’s not here.
The garage is empty.
I look down at my dingy slippers for the first time and my soaked clothes. His dress shirt is molded over my body, sticking to my skin. I can’t go into the bunkhouse like this.
“Liv?”
I spin around, startled by a voice that doesn’t belong to Jensen. Lochlan is standing in the doorway with soaked hair dangling over his concerned forehead.
“Do you know where Hayes is?”
“Is he expecting you?”
“No.”
He scrubs his hand over his chin. “If he’s not here, he’d only be in one other place, but you’ll have to follow me.”