Chapter Thirty Soraya
Chapter Thirty
Soraya
I am allowed to have joy.
I am allowed to have pleasure.
I am allowed to live.
I am the embodiment of all that is beautiful.
And so it is.
—A spell for claiming your confidence
Soraya thought she could do one better than texting Declan. Instead, she decided to bring both boys down to the store.
Maybe the newfound confidence was from the tea, or from the night she’d spent with Daisy and Nora, screaming and jumping into freezing water and dancing in front of the fire like pagans. Or just like women who had no one to impress, no more shame and nothing to lose.
Maybe it was having the kids back.
Maybe it was everything.
She felt grounded in who she was now. In what she wanted.
“This is cool,” Jaden said as he touched a large sword mounted in a display. “I thought you didn’t like Dungeons & Dragons.”
“Well, I’m changing my mind about some things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you playing a game. Even if it does have magic in it.”
“Are you trying to be the cool parent?” Levi asked.
“Excuse me?”
“I just mean, because we were . . . because we weren’t being nice to you, are you trying to be cooler than Dad?”
“No. I’m trying to be myself. I’m still figuring out what that looks like.
” She looked around, glad that, for the moment, Declan wasn’t in the front of the store.
“I’m trying to unlearn some beliefs I don’t think are good anymore.
” She took a deep breath. “I was really hurt that you sided with Dad, but I helped teach you the rules that made me into the bad guy in all this. I don’t believe it anymore.
I don’t believe that a woman has to do everything her husband says, that she has to forgive everything, and endure everything, for the sake of the marriage. ”
She put a hand on her son’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to believe it.
I want you to be able to be a better partner for whoever you end up with.
I want you to respect them more. I’m not trying to say anything awful about your father, but you know what happened.
Everyone does. He was never honest with me about who he was.
Or what he wanted. There was nothing I could do better if he didn’t talk to me.
But all that, him, what he wants, that’s up to him to figure out now.
I don’t want to be married to him anymore.
I think I’ve changed too much. I can’t forgive him.
I hope that you do. I don’t want you to hate either of us. He’s your dad.”
“But you’re supposed to just know everything,” Levi said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you’re an adult.”
“You’re in for a disappointing time if you think that’s how it works, my love. I’m sorry. In fact, I feel like I know less now than I did when I was your age.”
“Can I help you find anything?”
Her heart hit her breastbone so hard she thought she might faint.
She’d seen that man naked, and now he was simply standing there behind the counter, looking at her like she was a normal, everyday customer he hadn’t been inside of.
“We’re just looking around.” Her throat was dry and scratchy. “I don’t know anything about games like this.”
“We do run monthly Dungeons & Dragons campaigns. If they want to sign up.”
“I might.” Jaden looked a little shamefaced, but obviously not shamed enough to let the opportunity pass him up.
“I don’t know about that.” Levi pulled a face.
She cleared her throat. “Jaden, Levi, this is Declan. He lives across the hall.”
The boys looked at each other, and then at her, like they didn’t understand why they were supposed to care.
Fair enough.
“Cool,” Levi said, because he was old enough that he was at least trying to be polite.
The door opened, and a group of teenagers came in, kids from the boys’ school, and they started talking, sufficiently distracted from her, which made it the perfect time for her to approach Declan.
“I’m sorry that I canceled.” Her heart was fluttering rapidly, so much so she felt like he could probably tell.
“That’s okay. I wondered if I did something wrong.”
“No. You didn’t.” She closed her eyes. “It was me having baggage and religious trauma and not knowing how to deal with myself and my feelings.”
“That’s a lot of things.”
“It is.” She laughed, because if she didn’t, she might cry.
“But your kids are with you.” He gestured toward them. “Speaking to you.”
“Yeah. You probably heard about the pastor who burned the house down by now.”
“Yes,” he said.
“That was my ex’s house.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yeah. Well. He kind of earned it. He . . . Well, that’s a story I’d like to tell you, maybe over dinner.”
“You want to uncancel the date.”
“I do. I got freaked out for a minute.”
“Of all the reasons you had, I didn’t imagine that one. Feels kind of understandable.”
She laughed. “Good. I . . . I’m really bad at this. Because I don’t have any experience. I literally didn’t even date my husband. I just married him. When I was eighteen.” She winced. “I’m going to do things like that. I’m going to tell you things you didn’t ask. Probably scare you a little bit.”
“I’m not scared.”
“Okay. So that’s good. It’s a good start.”
“It is.”
“So as long as you’re okay with me being weird and awkward, we should be all right.”
“Soraya,” he said slowly. “I own a store that focuses on role-playing games. Awkward is definitely something I’m used to.”
“But you don’t seem awkward.”
“Again, I’m very good at role-playing. I’ll tell you more about me at dinner.”
“Great.”
“I’ll text you details,” he said.
“Okay.”
The boys’ friends walked out of the store, and Jaden and Levi drifted back to her side.
Declan waved, and Soraya smiled before leading the boys back out of the store onto the sidewalk. “Burritos?” she asked, gesturing toward the little walk-up window down the street.
“Sure,” Levi said.
She started walking, and they followed. “I’m going to dinner with Declan this weekend.”
They both stopped right where they were on the sidewalk, their expressions filled with shock and horror.
“Well. Better that you know. I just don’t want to go back to not talking. I don’t want to do secrets.”
“But . . .” Levi looked pained. “You’re actually dating?”
“I guess so.” She started walking again. “I’m doing my best to not be a liar or a hypocrite.” Best practice would be to not talk smack about their dad, but she also wasn’t going to take on fault for the sake of being the bigger person.
The martyrish wife. No. She was done with that.
He’d put their kids in terrible danger. He’d lied to everyone. Like Levi said, he’d made them get purity rings, for God’s sake.
“You really need to date?” Jaden asked.
“No. I don’t need to. But I’m not just your mom, you know. I’m a whole person, and I want to be happy and meet someone. I want romance and to have someone with me.”
“But not Dad,” Jaden confirmed.
“No.” She looked at him. “Do you blame me?”
“No,” Levi mumbled.
“No.” Jaden seemed surprised at his own answer.
“Good. Then I’ll keep you posted.” She put her arm around Jaden, and Levi dodged her, smiling just slightly, but it felt teenage and normal, and not like he hated her.
She could breathe.
She felt like she was coming out of it. Felt like she was coming into the light, after walking in the darkness for way too long.