Chapter 1 #2
Morning Coffee & Chaos is spending the entire week at the park filming their Halloween special, which means seven days of watching people I’ve seen on TV for years pretend my theme park is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or in their case, since avocado toast became a personality trait.
I’ve been watching Cooter Lovejoy and Crystal Wigglebottom on morning television for the better part of a decade—usually while eating cereal and questioning the direction my life was heading in. And now, here they are in person, preparing to interview me.
Cooter is bald and trying too hard with backward baseball caps and enough gold chains to anchor a yacht. He keeps fidgeting with his waistband in ways that suggest either poor tailoring or excessive confidence.
My ex-husband Clyde stands stiffly beside Crystal—yes, Wigglebottom is her real name, and yes, the universe has a sense of humor about it. Clyde apparently scored this co-hosting gig recently, because naturally the universe thought my life needed that extra twist of the knife. Just my luck.
Crystal practically pulsates with perkiness, her blonde hair defying several laws of physics while she chatters about her social media followers and the spiritual benefits of overpriced smoothies.
She’s dating Clyde now, which proves that there really is someone for everyone, even if that someone has the personality of week-old gas station sushi and the loyalty of a raccoon in a trash buffet.
“Welcome back to Morning Coffee & Chaos!” Crystal chirps into the camera. “Please help us welcome our special guest as we bring out the owner of this magical theme park, Josie Janglewood!”
A production assistant practically shoves me toward the tall chair next to Clyde.
The hosts arrange their faces into expressions of professional interest and manufactured delight, except for Clyde, who looks as if he’s passing a kidney stone while doing long division. I hope it hurts. A lot.
Clyde has squeezed himself into a charcoal suit that screams trust me with your investments, his thinning hair is carefully arranged to hide the spreading bald spot, and there’s enough nervous energy radiating from him to power the carousel.
The financial advisor, turned podcast guru, turned morning show co-host, keeps tugging at his collar because he’s in over his head but refuses to admit it.
Cooter launches into his questions with the enthusiasm of a game show host. “So Josie, tell us about this amazing hundred-acre wonderland! How does someone go from suburban housewife to theme park mogul overnight?”
I fix my smile in place, the one that says I’m quasi-professional while thinking I know where to hide bodies.
“Well, Cooter, it’s simple, really. Twenty-five years of marriage ended when I discovered my husband practicing advanced yoga positions with his instructor—positions that definitely weren’t in the beginner’s manual.
It turns out, flexibility training was just a gateway to infidelity.
” I pause long enough to blink a smile at my louse of an ex.
“And the elderly owners of this park apparently thought my life was so pathetic that they sold me the whole place for one dollar. That really should have been my first clue it was cursed, but here we are.”
Clyde’s face cycles through several colors not found in nature. He looks down at his cue cards, and I watch the exact moment his soul leaves his body.
Through gritted teeth that could crack walnuts, he reads, “And who was that husband who cheated on you?”
My mouth falls open.
The silence stretches longer than my last attempt at exercise.
“That would be you, Clyde,” I say with a touch of saccharin sweetness. “Remember? Or did the twenty-something yoga instructor stretch your memory, too?”
His camera-ready smile looks like rigor mortis setting in early.
“Oh honey!” Crystal, bless her oblivious heart, jumps in with the grace of a rhinoceros on roller skates.
“So you’re saying Clyde here—my shiny new beau—is a serial cheater who destroyed your marriage and abandoned his family for a flexible twenty-something?
” She turns to the camera. “Stay tuned for my upcoming book about dating men with commitment issues!” She couldn’t look more thrilled by the thought.
She’s not dating. She’s building her brand.
“And we’ll be right back after these messages!” Cooter shouts desperately. “Coming up next, lifestyle guru Willow Lovejoy and her new tell-all book, My Husband is a Cheater and Other Things I Posted for Clicks!”
Wow, we’re really working with a theme here.
The red light goes off, and Clyde storms toward Duffy with the determination of a man about to make questionable life decisions. I admit, he’s pretty good at them.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” Clyde blows up like a cheap tire on a hot highway. “Are you trying to humiliate me? Why, I could just kill you!” he snarls, his face purple enough to match the Halloween decorations.
Clyde has spent his whole life humiliating himself. I can see why he wouldn’t want to share the glory.
Well, that escalated quickly, Fish observes with far too much amusement.
Chip mewls in agreement, Five bucks says someone bites the big one before lunch. This place has excellent murder ambiance. Plus, those donuts are definitely worth killing for.
He’s not wrong about the donuts.
And with my luck, he’s probably not wrong about the murder either.