16. Nicholas
NICHOLAS
IDREAMED OF Noah all night. My subconscious kept working through different scenarios that didn’t end with his walking away from me or my hearing the words “I’m sorry, Your Majesty.”
The problem with dreams was that no matter how good they were, eventually you woke up and had to face a cold, hard reality.
A reality where I was king, Noah was my footman, and I was going to marry another man.
I still couldn’t wrap my head around it, and my packed schedule today wasn’t going to allow much downtime for my thoughts to run wild over what I could’ve or should’ve done.
But I could still feel Noah’s lips when I closed my eyes, hear his soft gasps when I pulled him into my arms. He was never supposed to know about the switch, and seeing the fire that lit him up had been too intoxicating to resist. I’d had to touch him, kiss him, know what it was like to be with him, even if it was only for a handful of minutes.
That was all I had, all I could cling to. My last bit of free will spent on the man I could never have.
What I wouldn’t give to be anyone else.
I quickly showered and wrapped myself in a plush robe, and then headed into my dressing room to see what had been laid out for me—but I stopped short at the sight of Noah, his back to me as he moved around the room.
My clothes for the day were already hanging by the full-length mirror, and he lifted the lid of my watch collection, took a moment to choose the one he wanted, then picked it up and carried it over to the bureau where the rest of my accessories were ready and waiting.
He hadn’t heard me enter, and for that I was grateful, because it meant I could take another selfish moment and just look at him.
He worked quickly, efficiently, exactly as the staff here at Montclair Palace were expected to, but that wasn’t what I noticed when I looked at Noah. Not anymore.
Instead, I saw the care that went into taming his thick, wavy hair so it still looked perfectly presentable but not overly polished.
How lean and fit he was, with broad shoulders, from his years lifting and carrying and moving constantly.
The careful way he held my watch, brushing his thumb over the gold band almost reverently before setting it down beside my cuff links just so.
Part of me wanted to continue watching, but I wanted to talk to him.
It was always the best part of my day, the thing I looked forward to most. It was never enough, and God knew he probably wasn’t feeling the same way after last night, but I wanted to hear his voice—needed it, if I were going to get through the day.
“Good morning, Noah,” I said, moving into the room.
He straightened and spun around to face me, and I didn’t miss the quick once-over he gave me before bowing his head. “Good morning, Your Majesty.”
So polite, back to Your Majesty and not Nicholas, and though I’d expected it, I still didn’t like it. Not coming from Noah’s lips.
Which I absolutely was not looking at right then, wishing I could steal them in a good-morning kiss. And I was definitely not wondering what it would be like to wake up beside him and run my fingers through his hair before he was so put together.
“I thought the red tie would make a bold statement for your agenda today with the black,” he said, moving over to where the clothes were hanging to brush an imaginary piece of lint off the sleeve of the jacket. “Does that work to your satisfaction, sir?”
Noah had always done an immaculate job of choosing my wardrobe for me in his time here, but seeing the red and the black together only made me think of Alejandro’s outfit last night, and I shook my head.
“Thank you, but I’d prefer the blue today.”
He didn’t betray any emotion to that, simply nodded and said, “Of course, sir,” before taking the hanger down and heading back to the closet. A moment later, he returned and held up the navy suit, and I nodded.
“Much better. Thank you.”
“My pleasure, sir.”
Now that wasn’t something I needed to think about right then—his pleasure.
My gaze traveled down to the curve of his ass in those perfectly tailored pants as he hung the suit up, but then his eyes lifted, meeting mine in the full-length mirror. He’d caught that I’d been admiring him, even after he’d told me nothing could happen between us.
Logically, I knew that. Following through when Noah was in the same room, though, breathing the same air, was proving difficult.
He dropped his gaze, reaching for the watch he’d chosen and taking it back to the collection before choosing another. As he started to head back to the bureau, I motioned for him with two fingers.
Noah moved to stand opposite me, politely looking past my shoulder, in that way that drove me insane.
“Ah, the Audemars Piguet. A very nice choice,” I said, and raised my arm.
Noah looked down to my wrist and laid the watch flat before smoothing his fingers around the band to fasten it. “I agree. The craftsmanship is flawless.”
“So are you.” The words were out of my mouth before I could hold them back. When Noah’s fingers paused on the clasp and he finally raised his eyes to mine, I saw a flicker of emotion. “Did you sleep well?”
“No, sir.” He slicked his tongue over his lower lip and finished putting on my watch. “I had a restless night.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
Noah let go of my arm and moved back a step. “It’s okay. It’ll pass.”
“Will it?” I said.
“It has to.”
I wanted to curse at his ever-present logic when it was taking every ounce of restraint I had to keep the distance between us.
“I know you think—”
“I know that,” Noah corrected me.
I touched my wrist where his fingers had just been and shook my head. “But what if it didn’t have to?”
“Sir?”
“I’m the king.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why can’t I change the rules?”
Noah’s eyes widened. “Because…because the country needs this union.”
I nodded, knowing he was right, but still… “What about what I need?”
He swallowed and shifted his eyes away from me.
“Look at me, Noah.”
“Sir, I—”
“Noah.” His eyes came back to mine. “What about what I need?”
“I don’t think I’m qualified to answer that…sir.”
“You’re the only one qualified to answer that.”
“Nicholas—”
“Yes,” I said, nodding and taking a step forward. “Say that again.”
I wasn’t sure he would, but when I stopped in front of him, he said softly, “Nicholas.”
I closed my eyes and savored the moment, enjoying the sound of my name on his lips. Now, if only I could feel them on mine…
“Tell me this doesn’t feel right,” I said, opening my eyes to look into his. “Tell me you weren’t looking forward to coming up here this morning, to seeing me.”
“Why? That’s not going to help anything.”
I reached for his hands and squeezed them. “It’s not going to hurt anything either. Tell me, and I’ll stop and never bother you again.”
Noah opened his mouth, and for a moment I wondered if I’d read this all wrong—until he whispered, “I can’t.”
I nodded, and he angled his face to look up at me.
“Leaving you last night was one of my biggest regrets,” he confessed.
“Letting you leave was mine.”
Noah took the final step that brought us within inches of each other.
“Nothing can come of this,” he said, and placed his hand on the lapel of my robe. “But I don’t think I can walk away again. My heart, my head—it all wants you.”
I placed my hand over the top of his, curling my fingers around it and bringing it up to my mouth. I placed a kiss on his palm.
“I just want to spend time with you,” I said, giving voice to my deepest vulnerabilities.
“If that’s all this is, or all you want to give, I’m greedy.
I’ll take it. I spend all day, every day, talking to people I have to talk to.
But you’re the only person I want to talk to.
The one person I look forward to talking to. ”
Noah’s expression softened, his eyes roving over my face but before he could deny me, I rushed out, “I know this isn’t going to be easy. I just…want to know you. I want you to know me. The real me.”
“Nicholas.”
“Yes.”
Noah reached up to trail his fingers down my cheek. “The man who reads poetry at night, and likes mixed berries for breakfast?”
A slow smile curved my lips, and he gently traced the shape until I kissed the tip of his finger. “Yes. That’s the one.”
He grinned, his eyes sparkling the way I loved. “I like that man.”
“Good, because he likes you too.”
He took in a deep breath and dropped his hand. “That might be true. But right now, that man has a meeting.”
“He does, doesn’t he?” I turned to look at the suit, then back to Noah. “It might be best if I put that on myself.”
Noah’s eyes lowered down my robe, slower than they had when I first stepped out of the shower, and then he nodded.
“I think that might be a good idea.”
We stood there longer than we probably should’ve, each taking the other in, before he finally turned away and I dropped the robe to pull on my pants.
“What time should I be here this evening?” he said.
“I return at six.”
“I’ll be here at—”
“Five fifty?” Noah glanced over his shoulder to where I was now buttoning my shirt, and I shrugged. “I want yours to be the first face I see.”
He gave me a small smile. “I’ll be waiting here at five forty-five, then. Have a good day, Nicholas.”
“You too, Noah.”
As he walked to the door this time, I didn’t feel the twisted knot in my stomach like I had the night before.
Instead, I felt a sense of hope, much like I’d told him.
That was what Noah Bennett did to me. He made me smile, feel, and hope, and I wasn’t sure yet if that was a good thing or a dangerous thing.
All I knew was that it was a feeling I didn’t want to let go of.
Not yet.