Nicholas
IT WAS RAINING.
Again. And it had been going on a week now.
Not the wicked rainstorm that came after a hot summer’s day, but the miserable drizzle of a dark cloud that wouldn’t leave you the fuck alone.
It was fitting, really, that my life had taken a turn for the gray. That was what happened when you snuffed out the sunlight.
Or sent it away—and that was what I’d done to Noah. Shut the door on the daylight, banished myself to a life of gray gloom. I was wallowing in it like the stone-cold king I’d formerly been and now was again.
I walked over to where a glass of scotch sat on my desk and picked it up, staring out at the rain as it ran down the pane, wondering—not for the first time—where Noah was.
It was a common occurrence now, my mind wandering off to the places Noah might be, my imagination running wild with what he might be doing or thinking. But I tried not to let myself get too deep in the trenches there, because in the end it had been my choice.
I’d done the unthinkable.
I’d convinced him I was safe to love, and then turned around and proven he was right to fear it all along. But his friend, Violet, had been right. Every look, touch, night we spent together wouldn’t damage my reputation, but it would forever impact his, and his family’s, if it went any further.
I’d had to end it.
I threw back a swig of the scotch and, as it made a fiery path down my throat, picked up the three darts I’d had brought up earlier in the week, then walked to the middle of the room. Then I lifted the first one and lined the tip up with the bull’s-eye I’d had Reynolds hang on the door.
I let it go, throwing it across the sitting room, where it landed with a satisfying thwack. But a not-so-satisfying landing spot—in the black.
I growled to myself as I twisted the next dart between my fingers and pictured Alejandro’s face when he’d told me I needed to remove Noah from my service, then his footman as he’d leaned in and whispered in Noah’s ear.
I hurled the sharp object across the room just as the door opened.
As it hit on an angle and fell to the floor, Gabriel drew up short, his eyes popping wide.
“Jesus,” he said, looking down at the dart, then me. “You could’ve hit me.”
“Who says I wasn’t aiming?” I fired back, then turned away to pick up my glass. “Maybe if you announced yourself, your life would be in less peril.”
“Doubtful.” Gabriel bent down and picked up the dart before closing the door. “And if I’d announced myself, you would’ve turned me away.”
“And your safety would’ve been guaranteed. I’m not sure I’m seeing the problem here.”
“Other than the fact you’ve missed your second audience with the prime minister, as well as one with the lord chancellor, no problem.” Gabriel looked to where my bed sat unmade and the curtains were still drawn. “No problem at all. But people are starting to talk.”
“And I’m supposed to care, why?”
“Because you’re the king, and they look to you for guidance.”
“Yeah? Well, they can look somewhere else for a minute.”
“And I would agree,” he said, reaching for the bottle of scotch and capping it, “if it’d been just a minute, even two, but brother—it’s been much longer than that.”
I refused to look at him as he leaned back against the desk. But I could feel his eyes on me, feel his searching for an answer, waiting for some kind of reason for my recent behavior.
I had none.
“Are you going to talk to me?” he said.
“I was hoping not to.”
“Okay, let me rephrase that. We need to talk.”
“I beg to disagree. I’m quite fine, really.”
“Right. Except you’re not, and, rumor has it, neither is a certain footman.”
My entire body reacted to the mention of Noah, my stomach revolting, turning over on itself at the idea that he was suffering from my hands.
What else did you expect?
Although, if he were fine without me, that might make me want to go back to Whitefall Cliffs and hurl myself off them.
“I don’t know what you’re referring to.”
“No?” Gabriel shook his head. “Who are you trying to fool here, Nicholas? Me or yourself? I know something happened, I just don’t know the extent of it. So…enlighten me. What happened?”
I turned my head to look him directly in the eye, and whatever he saw there made him suck in a breath.
“Oh no… You didn’t. You fell in love with him.”
When I just stared at him, unable to deny what was clearly true, Gabriel straightened off the desk.
“And you told him?”
“You told me to.”
“I did what?”
“Take him with you, Nicholas. Have him ride in the car with you. Go fall for him—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Gabriel held his hands up. “I did not say to fall for the guy. I meant have fun with him.”
“Since when do I just ‘have fun’ with people, you asshole?”
Gabriel gave a low whistle. “Sorry, Your Majesty, but you’re going to have to take some responsibility here. I didn’t make you fall in love with the guy.”
“Stop calling him ‘the guy,’” I snapped, snatching the dart out of his hand. “You know his name. Hell, you call everyone by their first name, and no one is spreading rumors about you.”
“Okay. Keep going. Let it all out.”
“It’s your fault I’m in this mess. You hired him.
You knew this would happen.” I threw the dart, and it landed in the black beside the other.
I stalked over to the board and ripped them out.
“You’re an instigating, troublemaking, selfish excuse for an advisor.
You never should’ve let him stay. If you cared at all about me, you would never have encouraged this. ”
The darts were piercing my palm from the way I gripped them so tight, but as Gabriel just stood there and took my verbal barrage without batting an eye, my anger slowly drained out of me, replaced by something I didn’t want to feel.
It was what I’d been trying so hard to ignore, and I’d evidently done a shit job at that, because it was rearing its head even worse than before.
Pain. Sadness. An unbearable ache that not even the gym or throwing darts or yelling at Gabriel was easing.
I dropped the darts onto the floor and slumped into the closest chair, my head falling to my hands. Closing my eyes did nothing to stop the sting of tears that threatened whenever I was alone and let my thoughts drift to Noah. I refused to let them fall, not in front of Gabriel or anyone.
But my twin no doubt felt my suffering as acutely as his own, the same way I did when the roles were reversed. He sat on the arm of the chair, his hand heavy on my shoulder, always the grounding presence I needed. Even when I wanted to be mad at him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my head bowed. “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“I can handle it.”
“It’s not yours to handle.” All my fight was gone. “It’s not fair.”
Gabriel was silent awhile. “No, it’s not. Life hasn’t been fair to you more often than not, but that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say so.”
Protocol I could take. Duty I could handle, always had. But this? I didn’t know how to fix my heart being split wide open. I didn’t know if I could.
My brother’s hand left my shoulder, and a few seconds later, the door opened and I heard him say, “Please tell Gilbert to cancel the king’s schedule for the rest of the day.
” Then the door closed, and Gabriel strode back into the room, heading straight to the bottle of scotch and pouring himself a glass before refilling mine.
“All right,” he said, handing me the glass and then leaning back against the table. “Tell me about him.”
I shook my head and took a sip before slumping back in the chair. “That won’t help.”
“Hey, my brother fell in love with someone, and I don’t know anything about the guy other than he makes a killer cup of tea and can kick my ass in mahjong.” When I narrowed my eyes at him, he backtracked. “Sorry, Noah.”
I ran a hand over my face, feeling exhausted in a way I couldn’t put into words. “I…can’t.”
“Then I’ll stay until the scotch kicks in.” Gabriel winked at me over his glass as he brought it to his lips.
It wasn’t like I didn’t have the answer to his question. The problem was, how would I stop once I started? There were endless reasons to love Noah, and I found a new one every day.
Well. Had.
Because he wasn’t mine to love anymore.
“He made me look forward to mornings,” I said, my gaze drifting to the window.
“At first it drove me crazy, the way he’d try to force me to eat something, and then it became a sort of game.
Silly, I know, but…I like the way he challenges me.
” Challenged, I corrected myself, because I’d made sure he wasn’t in the vicinity to do that anymore.
I hated it.
“I like him for you already,” Gabriel said, hopping up to sit fully on the tabletop, getting comfortable. He seemed genuinely interested, and I’d held all my feelings for Noah inside for so long that they all came bursting out.
I told him about the ballroom and why I’d been okay with our switching places that night. I told him about the tour, how Noah had been my rock, how we’d both shown each other our worlds in the small ways we could. How we’d visited his home and I couldn’t stop myself from telling Noah I loved him.
And I should’ve been ashamed to tell him I’d wondered how to get out of my arrangement with Alejandro to somehow be with Noah, but it felt like such a relief to be able to say those words out loud that I couldn’t find it in me to regret it.
Through it all, my brother just listened, smiling when I lit up, frowning when I hurt—supportive in a way I hadn’t realized I needed.
When I was done, silence fell between us, but it wasn’t the awkward kind that made me regret what I’d said.
Gabriel let out a heavy sigh. “You know what I keep thinking of?” he said, and nodded at the family portrait over the fireplace. “Our parents. Well, not just our parents, but all the Valemonts, going back generations.”
I didn’t know where he was going with that, but I stayed quiet.
“Our parents weren’t a great match, even though they did produce two of the most perfect humans that ever existed.
” He grinned, and I would’ve rolled my eyes if I had the energy to do it.
“Can you imagine what it would’ve been like if they were ever in the same room for more than dinner?
If they’d actually liked each other and weren’t just some arranged marriage? ”
Maybe they would’ve been happier, I thought, but what was happiness in the face of royal obligations anyway? It was one luxury the crown couldn’t afford.
“But they didn’t and it wasn’t. Pretending otherwise is just a fantasy,” I said.
“Fantasy or not, you know what happens when Valemont men marry for duty. Do you really want to share that fate?”
“What choice do I have?”
Gabriel spread his hands wide. “You’re the king. The choice ultimately lies with you.”
If only it were that easy to push aside my duty and obligation for a chance at true love. But that was a fairytale.
So really, I didn’t have a choice at all.