Chapter Twenty-Four
I leaned on the wall, looking out towards the Arno and the rooftops and then closing my eyes, hoping that would calm my mind.
My breathing felt easier, it had done the second I’d stepped out of that dining room.
I wiggled my fingers – they felt normal again, not laced with pins and needles like they had been a few moments before.
I took some deep breaths, gulping down the air which felt cleaner up here, as though it was coming straight from the Tuscan hills.
Nick’s face kept popping into my head – kind, smiley Nick, not the version I was seeing here in Florence.
And then Lou came into my mind for some reason and I remembered what she’d said early on, when I’d first introduced Nick to her.
She’d said he seemed nice, but that I didn’t seem anywhere near as happy as I’d been when I talked about Aidan.
I’d shrugged it off at the time and had declared what Aidan and I had had toxic.
Not real. A brief affair and, of course, those always felt more intense because you hadn’t really had time to learn all the bad stuff about each other.
But I was big on first impressions – I trusted them.
And it scared me when I remembered how I’d walked into the restaurant that night and had seen Nick sitting there when really, despite my best efforts, it was Aidan I wanted.
‘Hey.’
I turned around, already knowing it was him. His voice was unmistakable; the Home Counties accent with an estuary twang, the way it seemed to be on a particular frequency so that when he spoke it resonated deep inside me.
I opened my eyes as he came to stand next to me.
‘Are you all right? You looked very pale when you walked past me just now.’
I nodded. ‘I just felt anxious for a minute there. Like I couldn’t breathe.’
Aidan looked concerned. ‘Was it a panic attack? You said you used to get them, right?’
‘Maybe. I haven’t had one for ages, though.’
Aidan nodded. ‘What made you have one today?’
I bit my lip. ‘This trip has been … a lot.’
Aidan leaned on the wall. ‘It has,’ he said.
If I stayed here much longer, I was going to say or do something I’d regret, I knew I was. There was just something about Aidan that made me want to blurt out the truth, even when the most rational part of me was emphatically telling me not to.
‘I have to get back,’ I said. ‘It’s Rosamund and Peter’s actual anniversary today. There’s a big lunch and I—’
‘Have you changed your mind about Nick?’ asked Aidan, his voice gentle.
Before we’d come to Florence, I had been happy.
Not in the way I’d been when I’d first met Aidan, when I’d had this constant fluttery feeling in my chest and thought about him every minute of every day and every moment I wasn’t with him was like some kind of torture.
I’d never felt like that about Nick, even in the early days.
But it had been nice. And uncomplicated.
‘He’s good for me,’ I said.
‘He’s not.’
‘Well, he’s stuck around, so that’s something.’
Aidan sighed. ‘Maddie, I—’
‘When you love somebody, you have to let them see every part of you. You should want to share everything with them, even the bad stuff. If you’d just called me to explain what was happening, then I could have been there for you.
Listened to you, helped you work it out.
But you shut me out without a single word and that’s not OK. ’
Tears were pricking the backs of my eyes, but I refused to let Aidan think he’d got to me. I never wanted to let people see me cry over them.
‘I’ve changed,’ said Aidan softly. ‘I can learn to let someone in again.’
‘Why now?’
‘Because of you. Because ever since I saw you again the other night, I’ve not been able to get you off my mind. Then again, who am I kidding? I’ve never stopped thinking about you.’
‘It’s a bit late now. I’m engaged to somebody else!’ I said.
‘But what if you weren’t?’
Aidan reached out and took one of my hands. I looked at our fingers, entwined again. It felt painful, because of all the time that we’d lost, but it also felt like the right thing. The only thing.
‘What if we were to try again?’ he asked. ‘I know I hurt you really badly and that I messed up and that I could have handled things a hundred times better. But it can’t be a coincidence that we’ve found each other again. I feel like we’ve been given one more chance. Don’t you feel that, too?’
I took a deep breath. I’d have to be honest, it was now or never.
‘I do,’ I said.
But downstairs was Nick.
‘But it’s too late,’ I added, glancing down at my engagement ring.
‘Does it have to be?’ asked Aidan.
How could I call it off now? Nick would be so hurt, or at least I thought he would be. I realised, then, that I didn’t really know him as well as I should. He kept so much of himself tucked away and I was happy to let him do that because I was doing the same thing.
‘I’d better get back,’ I said, making a move to leave.
‘All I ask is that you think about it,’ said Aidan softly. ‘Take your time to properly think it through. And don’t let anybody rush you, me included.’
I nodded. I remembered how patient Aidan had always been.
How that perhaps it wasn’t the stability of someone like Nick I needed, but someone who really listened to me, who liked me for all that I was, the good and the bad.
Was it time for me to take a leap of faith?
To be brave and take a chance? Maybe I’d end up with no one, but surely that would be better than ending up with the wrong person.