56. Chapter Fifty-Six
Two hours before sound check, I’m pacing in my hotel room. The problem is, Poppy’s staying in the room next door. I feel the urgent need to talk to her and address all the issues that led me to leave her. I’ve been meaning to do this for a few days, but she’s been avoiding me and she’s been sick, so I never had the chance. This morning, when I saw her wearing my fucking sweater, something possessive welled up inside me. I almost lost control and it’s been driving me crazy ever since.
Twice now, I have stood at my door, ready to step outside, only to hesitate and turn back out of the fear that perhaps Poppy doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m familiar with every inch of her body, every sound she makes. Yet Poppy Reeves terrifies me like nothing else in this world. I”m scared to get too close, in case she says those awful words, telling me she hates me and will never trust my pathetic ass again. But despite all of this, I cannot deny the undeniable attraction I feel towards her.
Whenever she is around, I’m unable to look away from her. Every feminine aspect of her body and every intricate detail of her beautiful face captivates me. The very first time I laid eyes on her in the street, I remember thinking she was flawless. Her voice, her vulnerability, and her face all had a hold on me. I can’t believe that I went for years without noticing her. Those feelings that I felt for her back then have not changed. However, there is a difference now compared to the arrogant prick I used to be. It’s not just her physical beauty that arouses me anymore. It’s everything about her. The person she is on the inside is just as captivating and stunning as the outside. I wish I could tell her that I have loved her all these years, but it’s difficult because I’ve never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone. The fear of being ridiculed if she were to laugh in my face is what holds me back.
Fuck it. Just go for it, asshole. If you don”t open up, you”ll never know how she feels. You lost her before because you couldn”t step up.
I stride towards the door, forcefully pulling it open, my heart racing. As I make my way down the hallway to her room, my nerves send waves of anticipation through my body. Upon reaching her door, I pause for a few agonizing seconds. Come on, get your shit together.Tell her how you feel. I lift my hand and give the door a knock. Damn, that was louder than I expected.
The wait feels like forever until she finally opens the door. My eyes trace over her figure, admiring every graceful curve. A pleasant warmth stirs deep within my stomach. My dick thickens when I notice she’s still wearing her sleep shorts and tank top, revealing a hint of skin near her hip. Although she”s smoking hot, I can”t help but feel a bit bummed that she”s not wearing my sweater anymore.
“Can we talk?” I ask, pushing past her, so she can’t refuse and slam the door in my face.
With a sarcastic tone, she replies, “Sure, why not come in and make yourself at home.” She closes the door behind me.
I only realize she isn’t following me when I sit on the couch and glance up. As my eyes scan the room, they land on her, standing off to the side, slipping her arms into a cardigan.
Disappointment floods through me when I realize she’s trying to cover herself up. She doesn’t want me to see her like that.
Clutching the cardigan tightly against her body, she settles into the chair across from me.
Leaning forward, I run my hands through my hair, feeling the weight of the situation. Damn, this is going to be more challenging than I thought.
“Xander,” she says, eyeing me.
“Yeah.”
“What’s going on?”
I sigh, releasing the breath I’ve been holding. Just do it, man. Just tell her how you feel.
When I finally find my courage, I open my mouth to speak but before I can Poppy interrupts and all the thoughts scatter from my mind.
“I know there’s something going on with the band. Please tell me what it is.”
I eye her for a moment. “There was this incident in the green room involving something Reg did, and there’s a possibility that it might be leaked to the press. He’s working on fixing it, but there’s a chance it could get out, and it’s bad. Like really bad.”
Getting up from the couch, I nervously run my hands through my hair while pacing back and forth. I”m clueless about how to open up and express my love and tell her I want to be with her. Sensing her gaze on me, I continue to move around.
“I have something important to tell you,” I say, worried that she might laugh in my face. “Please, let me finish before you say anything.”
”Okay,” she says, sounding unsure, like she doesn”t know where this conversation is going.
Taking a moment to gather my thoughts, I return to the couch. Nervously, my leg bobs up and down.
“Xander, you’re scaring me,” she says, her voice tinged with concern.
“Yeah, I’m kind of scaring myself, too.” A nervous laugh escapes me, and upon hearing it, I realize how ridiculous I sound.
How the fuck do I do this? How can I summon the strength to share my true feelings with her? I mentioned it once, but I waited until she was asleep because to voice it out loud was difficult. But my love for her persists, and if I continue to withhold this truth, I fear losing her again. But how the fuck can I open up and tell her that?
My mouth opens, words hovering on the tip of my tongue, yet I hesitate and close it without uttering anything. Inhaling deeply, I exhale slowly, pausing for a few seconds. Just do it dipshit. Man up and tell her how you feel.
“Remember when I said we needed to talk?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for bailing on you?”
She lowers her head, absently picking at a loose thread on her cardigan. The pain on her face is clear, and it cuts me to the core, knowing I caused her this pain.
I stay silent, giving her the time to respond.
Finally, she lifts her head and asks, “Why did you do it? I could have understood if you had left early, but you simply vanished without saying anything.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s a burden I’ve carried for years, Princess.”
“Why did you leave like that?”
“Because when things get hard, that’s what I fucking do. You know that? And after what your mother said-”
She lifts her head. “Wait!” she interrupts me, studying me for a moment, and I see the confused look on her face. “When did you see my mother?”
“That morning, she caught us. I returned to the house so that you wouldn’t get all the blame.”
“Wait?” she says, her brows furrowing. “On the morning we were caught in my room, you came back to the house?”
“Yes.”
She blinks like she”s trying to put the pieces together in her head.
“As I was walking down the front path, your mom came out of the front door and blocked me.”
From the way she”s looking at me, it”s clear she has no idea what I’m talking about. The thought crosses my mind that Poppy”s mother might have been lying and that Poppy wasn”t watching from inside, as she had said.
“What exactly did my mother say to you?”
“She told me I was nothing but a fuck up. Someone who will only continue to screw your life up, because that’s the person I am. Someone who always brings you down.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she says, tears forming in her eyes.
All I want to do is go over and protect her from this pain. But I have to keep pushing forward. I can”t hold back now.
“She said you were inside and sent her out to tell me that. And that she would remind you every day how much of a lowlife I was.”
“I’ve never thought of you like that, Xander. You know that. No matter what anyone says.” A stray tear slides down her cheek.
I go to the bed and sit beside her, holding her hand to comfort her because if I touch her any other way, I’ll be distracted and won’t continue to open up.
“I wasn”t aware of that, Poppy. I didn’t want you to think of me like everyone else did, as a lowlife. Not you. I thought it would be better if I left, so you’d never see it.”
I thread my fingers through hers and stare at our joined hands.
“But that doesn’t explain why you ignored my texts when I told you I was pregnant and again on the day Alex was born?”
I lift my head in response, as though she’s speaking a different language. I blink, feeling dumbfounded, with the words lingering in my mind.
“I texted you, Xander, to let you know I was pregnant. And again the day Alex was born. But you ghosted me. Why?” She stares at me.
“Because I didn’t fucking know,” I mutter, scanning the room in disbelief. My stomach churns with sickness. The sensation of the room spinning overwhelms me. All this time, and I didn’t fucking know.
“But how, when I sent you those messages? I texted you the night you called me and didn’t speak.”
“Because after that call, I threw my fucking phone into the lake straight after I called you. I did it to let you go.” I release her hand and get up from the bed, pacing back and forth across the room.
Little did I know she had been pregnant with my son. All these years passing without knowing I had a kid because I was a fucking idiot, unable to bear the pain of losing her and resorting to drastic measures of throwing my phone in the lake. What the fuck have I done? She’s done it all by herself while I’ve been living my dream. Suddenly, I turn towards her.
“So, that”s why you never pursued your dreams and ended up working in a bar?” I ask.
She stares at me, and I see her swallow.
“Answer the fucking question, Poppy.”
“Yes.”
Her response hits me hard. Her mother was right. I was the lowlife who would alter her life and sabotage her dreams. She never had the opportunity to pursue any of the things she wanted. It”s too much, knowing that it’s all my fault. My heart is racing, and I can”t catch my breath. I need to get the hell out of here before I break down in front of her.
“I have to go,” I state, rushing over to the door and letting myself out. I need to get the fuck away from here and think.
I rush down the hall with no idea of where I’m going. After what Poppy just said, I need to get out of here. I’m not angry that she told me. I’m angry at myself because it’s just another asshole move I pulled on her all those years ago. She was pregnant. We should have been going through it together, instead, I left her alone to deal with it all by herself. The overwhelming sense of guilt and shame washes over me, making me feel like a complete asshole.
I stride quickly down the street. Fuck, I should have grabbed my wig and cap. Just something to avoid catching people’s attention so I don’t have phones pointing in my direction. I can’t deal with that shit at the moment of some fan wanting a photo.
“Hey, man,” says someone.
And that’s the problem with fame. No matter how awful or messed up you feel, everyone expects you to put on an act for their benefit. Well, fuck it. I’m not in the mood. I need to get away from here and think.
“Fucking asshole!” I hear the same voice shout behind me because I didn’t stop and make his day so he can brag to his friends.
If I were just an average guy, I’d turn around and tell him to fuck right off. But I can’t because I don’t want to make a scene right now.
I hear my phone ping, and I don’t bother checking it. Whatever it is can wait. I pick up the pace and sprint down the street, racing toward the taxi pulling up to the curb.
I”m standing there, waiting for the door to open, when this girl gets out and does a double take the moment she spots me. She flashes me an excited smile, but I brush her off and jump into the taxi, slamming the door.
“Where to?” The taxi driver asks. He’s middle-aged, and judging by the way he’s looking at me, I can tell he has no idea who I am. Thank God I don”t have to deal with all the fanboying shit while feeling this way.
“Anywhere,” I add, not caring about the destination. I just need time to think.
“You need to give me somewhere, man, otherwise we’ll just drive around.”
“Just take me somewhere quiet where I can be alone and think. Where people won’t annoy me.”
“Okay, you got it.” He turns left at the next intersection, and we continue to drive.
There’s music playing on the radio, and normally, I enjoy listening to random tunes, trying to guess the song by its opening ten seconds. But today, with everything on my mind, I can’t even focus on that.
For all this time, I’ve had a son out there. My son. My own flesh and blood. Just last week, when I heard Poppy talking to her son, I yearned to be a part of that world. Now I am. He’s my son, and I belong to their special bond.
Guilt, my old friend, brings up all these old feelings, making me feel like the biggest piece of shit for what I did, not only to Poppy but to Alex as well. It highlights how I’ve messed up bigger than I thought. Poppy has been handling all of this on her own. I should have stayed back at the hotel and asked her more questions about everything, but I couldn’t think, and I did what I always do. I ran. I regret not answering her calls years ago, believing that with me out of the picture, I was improving her life, when in reality, I only fucked it up. Made it more difficult. I should have been there all along for her, for our son, acting as a father figure. Fuck, I’m no better than my asshole father. What the fuck is wrong with me? All I do is hurt people, especially the people I love.
My father and Poppy’s mother are right. I am a piece of shit. I’ve hurt the only girl I’ve ever loved so much more than I thought. I messed up her dream, and now she”s probably been busting her ass to make ends meet, and that”s why she”s stuck at that damn bar. God, that alone is enough reason for her to hate me.
The taxi comes to a halt, and I come back to reality. We’ve stopped in a park with a water view. Thank God he’s not been one of those taxi drivers who talk for hours and hours.
“Is this okay?” he asks.
I look out the window and see a few people in the park.
“It’s great. Thanks, man.” I quickly grab my phone, pay, and open the car door. Right as I”m about to get out, the driver speaks.
“If you want a cab back, go one block down that way.” He points down the street on the left.
“Thanks again, man,” I say, getting out and closing the door.
As the taxi pulls out and returns to the street, the driver gives me a quick wave.
As I sit on the grassy slope by the water”s edge, I wonder how the fuck I can make it up to Poppy and Alex for the years of abandonment and how to mend our fractured relationship.