Chapter 10
10
In my befuddled morning state, it takes me longer than it should to fully exit the dream, and for a few confused moments I think I’m still with Jay. I even turn my head to see if, by some miracle, he’s lying beside me, sprawled across the bed like a starfish, snoring gently.
But the other side of the bed is empty, clearly unslept in. Of course it is.
I turn back to look at the room: tiny wardrobe tucked into the corner, plain white walls and generic, meaningless artwork. Then, like a bursting dam, it all comes rushing back to me and I feel crushed by the realisation that I am here, hundreds of miles from home, alone.
I hope I haven’t made a terrible mistake.
I roll over and pluck my phone from the bedside table, squinting in the harsh glow from the screen. Opening my notes, I click open my list of things I ‘know’ about Jay. It’s still a pretty meagre list; just the five original things I typed in months ago, with nothing except the word ‘hospital’, followed by a question mark, added since, after my recent dream. I click on it now and add ‘skydiving?’ to the end. It’s not much, but it’s something, at least.
I push back the duvet, climb out of bed and pull my curtains open. I can see my ancient car just outside, and opposite is a row of terraced houses identical to those on this side. Cars line either side of the street, and there are a couple of people walking along the pavement, but otherwise it’s peaceful out there.
I shower and dress and check my emails to see if anyone has responded to my application to walk dogs. There’s nothing yet but it’s still early. Deciding to treat myself to breakfast somewhere I grab a warm jacket and head out. It’s Sunday so it’s quieter this morning, and I feel a little uneasy as I make my way through the unfamiliar, deserted streets. I’m relieved to find it’s busier by the time I reach the park and I set off, Google Maps open, to see what I can find.
After twenty minutes or so my map tells me I’m close to the city centre, so I exit the park gates and follow the twist of streets, past curved roads of pale stone houses and seemingly endless university buildings. A few minutes later I pop out onto a busy road with a bus station opposite and a large branch of M when I was still with Nick and I thought our future together was guaranteed. It seems like a million years ago.
‘Am I the first Geordie you’ve met since you got here?’ Matt says, and my attention comes back to right now.
‘I guess you are,’ I say.
‘Well, we’re very nice too.’
‘You seem it.’ I clear my throat, suddenly shy. ‘Although, I’m actually here to look for one. Another Geordie that is.’
‘Oh?’ He’s looking at me with his eyebrows raised.
‘Yeah, I…’ I flush and look down at my lap, already regretting mentioning it.
He waits.
‘It’s a guy I met in… um… in London.’
‘I see. And he’s from Newcastle, is he?’
I don’t dare look up because I don’t know whether I want to see the expression on his face. ‘He is.’
‘And what else do you know about this man apart from where he lives?’
My face is burning and I let my hair drop across my cheek to disguise it. ‘Not much. Only that he’s called Jay or… or James. And I think he has a dog.’ I glance at him. He’s studying me with what I assume to be interest, but could just as easily be pity. ‘I know it sounds mad but I just… my boyfriend cheated on me and I lost my job and I just felt as though I needed a fresh start so I thought…’ I trail off. What on earth am I doing, spilling my guts to man I’ve only just met? I clear my throat. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you my life story.’
He shrugs. ‘Don’t worry. People always seem to tell me stuff. I must have a friendly face. Maybe I should be a therapist, then I could charge for it.’ He smiles to show he’s joking. ‘Not that I’m saying you need one.’
I smile back and take a deep breath in.
‘Well, thanks. And I really am sorry. I don’t normally gabble on to strangers like this.’
Matt shrugs again. ‘We’re not strangers any more though, are we?’ Gladys has curled up on my feet again and is snoring loudly. ‘So, what’s your plan?’
‘My plan?’
‘To find this guy?’
‘Oh. I… I’m not really sure. So far the only idea I have is to look for people walking dogs.’ It sounds so lame when I say it out loud, and I cringe.
Matt doesn’t seem to think it’s such a terrible idea though. ‘Makes sense.’
I whip my head round to look at him. ‘You think?’
‘Sure, why not? Where have you looked so far?’
‘I walked through a park with a lake earlier, on the way from my flat.’
‘Ah, that’ll be the Town Moor.’ He shakes his head. ‘I don’t reckon that’s your best bet.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s quite a big, sprawling park. It’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack.’
‘This whole search already is.’
‘Aye, true. But you could improve your chances.’ He pulls his phone from his pocket, and after a couple of moments, passes it to me. ‘See here?’
I peer at the screen but in the glare of the sun it’s quite hard to make anything out. ‘Not really.’
‘This here.’ He points to where a thin blue line cuts through just to the east of the city centre. ‘It’s hard to make out on the map but this is Jesmond Dene. It’s quite small but it’s a really lovely place to walk dogs. That’s where I usually take Gladys. Her legs get tired easily these days, poor old thing, and it’s close to home.’ He looks at Gladys affectionately and I find myself wishing someone would look at me like that. It’s been a while. ‘Anyway, if you wanted, I could show you round one day this week?’
‘Oh, I…’
‘I promise I’m not a weirdo. I’ve just got a couple of days off work and I thought it might be nice to help out a newbie.’ He smiles his 100-watt smile again. ‘But don’t feel pressured, I won’t be offended.’
‘No, that would be really kind,’ I say. And, I realise, it really would. Life has been lonely recently, even before the move, and it would be nice to have a friend to help me get started in my new life.
‘Oh, great. Well, I’m free tomorrow if you are?’
‘It’s the Easter holidays so yes.’
‘Perfect. Well, shall we meet at, say, 10a.m. at Millfield café in Jesmond Dene? It’s right in the middle, you can’t miss it.’ He stands and I realise he’s about to leave. Gladys lifts her head off my feet.
‘Great, thank you. See you tomorrow at ten.’
He tugs Gladys’s lead, who drags herself reluctantly to her feet. Then he scoops her up, gives me a wave, and saunters off along the quayside. I watch him until he disappears into the crowd and hope I don’t regret agreeing to meet him.