18. Vera
Vera
SIX AND A HALF YEARS AGO
“Have you ever thought about being a pirate?” I asked, staring up at the ceiling of my cell.
“Not particularly,” Swift shot back through the hole.
“Have you ever thought about being anything?” I shifted onto my side and propped my head up with my elbow.
“Not particularly,” he repeated.
I huffed. “You’re no fun at this.”
“I don’t even know what this is,” he said with a chuckle. Even through stone, the sound made butterflies flap their little wings in my stomach.
“I’m just thinking,” I said, drawing out the word. Lack of food, sleep, and being shut down here in the dark for six months made my brain foggy and my tongue loose. “I’m thinking about what I’d be if I wasn’t here. If I could be anyone else in the world.”
There was that low laugh again. “And you’d want to be a pirate? You’ve never even been to the ocean.”
“Hey, I could do it.” I pushed myself into a sitting position and leaned against the wall separating us.
“I’m pretty sure you could do anything,” he responded, and my butterflies grew a second set of wings. “But why would you want to?”
“Because pirates don’t have rules or people to answer to.
” I played with a small pebble on the ground, rolling it back and forth between my fingers.
“I’d be out on the open sea, able to do whatever I want.
Go wherever I want. After being stuck in this”—I gestured to the cell around me—“wouldn’t you want to live under the sky all the time? ”
“Pirates are also constantly in trouble,” he pointed out. “Why do you think every drawing shows them missing a limb or an eye?”
I got up on my knees and pushed the pebble through the hole at him. “Stop being so logical."
“Stop throwing your rocks at me,” he teased.
“What’re you gonna do about it?”
A snort escaped me when his finger appeared, the tip of it wiggling around on my side of the cell. I blamed what happened next on my delirious state.
I snatched his finger between my teeth, and my tongue involuntarily swiped along the fingertip. Dust and salty sweat exploded in my mouth, along with the hint of something spicy.
I sucked in a breath, mortified, and his finger instantly went rigid. I slid my teeth from him and backed away, heat creeping up my cheeks despite the chill in the cell.
I licked my lips, and the salt of his skin lingered on my tongue. “Sorry, I—”
“That wasn’t how I imagined it,” he rasped.
I blinked. “Imagined…what?”
“Feeling your lips for the first time.”
The malnourishment must finally be getting to me. “You—you’ve thought about my lips?”
His gray eye appeared in the hole. “You haven’t?”
More heat surged to my face. I’d thought about a lot of things. It was hard not to when the only other activity to pass the time was when Mortep would come and prick me with his needles.
When I closed my eyes, I sometimes saw a hint of dark skin, a flash of full lips, a trace of rough stubble.
I still hadn’t seen Swift, not fully, which would’ve bothered me under normal circumstances.
But here, it was the least important thing in the world.
All that mattered was that he was there at all. An invisible friend.
I tried to imagine what he looked like, though. Was he tall, like my brother? Did he have dimples? Would his hands feel smooth or rough if he held me? What would it be like to kiss him?
“It’s not a big deal,” he said when I didn’t respond. “It was inevitable. You’re the only real person in my life, and I definitely don’t want to kiss those guards.”
“Have you ever kissed someone?” I blurted out.
“No. There was this girl I liked, but the epidemic took her entire family.” He was quiet for a moment. “What about you?”
I bit my bottom lip. “Last year, my brother caught one of the stablehand’s and me in a closet. It was just one kiss, but my brother lost his mind.” I smiled at the memory of Nox wringing poor Nikolas’s neck. “I felt bad for him. It was my fault, anyway. I’m the one that pulled him into the closet.”
At that, Swift snorted. “I highly doubt it took much convincing.”
What did that mean? Was he just saying that boys would eagerly kiss any girl in sight, or specifically me? My stomach continued doing ridiculous flips as I toyed with the edge of my raggedy shirt. I needed to change the subject, fast. “You never answered the question, Swift.”
“You’ve asked a lot of questions.”
I rolled my eyes. “What would you be, if you could be anything? Go anywhere?”
“Honestly?” He paused. “I think I’d stay in Drakorum.”
“What? Why?”
“Because even if I wasn’t locked up anymore, I would know other people still are. I’d want to be someone with the power to get them out.” Chains rattled, as if he were shifting around. “I’d be some sort of warrior. A guardian or something.”
Well, Fates. I was trying to steer the conversation away from wanting to kiss him, but that only made me like him more.
“You’re a good person, Swift,” I said, squeezing my hand into a ball to resist the urge to reach for him. “Anyone here would be lucky to have you fighting for them.”
“I would fight for you, Songbird,” he said, quieter than before. “Even in chains, I’d fight for you.”
The words were so unexpected, they made the backs of my eyes sting. “I would, too,” I whispered. I blinked the burning sensation away. The pressure on my chest was too much, so I quickly added, “Maybe I’d get a hook and poke all their eyes out. That’s something a pirate would do.”
His snort dispelled the tension. “Maybe you should start a little closer to home.”
I looked down at my hands. “I’m tired of being close to home.”
“We could still travel,” he said.
A smile crept up my lips. “Oh, we’re a ‘we’ now?”
“You know what I mean.” He cleared his throat. “If we ever get out of here, I’d take you places. We could see the empire. As—as friends.”
Friends. “And do friends often think about each other’s lips?”
He sighed. “I’m never going to live that down, am I?”
“Nope,” I said, then settled onto the ground with my arms bent behind my head. “Alright, where are you taking me first?”
“I’ve already told you about the beaches in Iluze, but there’s also this river near my house where Mother liked to pick water lilies and marigolds. Have you ever seen a river?”
“Just in paintings.”
“I’ll take you there in the spring. The water is perfect that time of year. We can fish, and I’ll show you how to steer the boat to get you some practice for life as a pirate,” he teased.
“You know how boats work?”
“Sure. Father was teaching me to take over the fishing business one day. You’re in good hands, Songbird.”
I stared at the ceiling, mesmerized as he talked about his life in Iluze, all the adventures his family went on, all the plans they had made.
I couldn’t even imagine half the things he spoke of.
My future had been limited to the walls of Scarven’s mansion, and trying to picture myself outside of them seemed impossible.
I didn’t realize he’d gone quiet until he asked, “Am I talking too much?”
I jerked my head up. “No, no, not at all. I’m listening. I like hearing you talk. I was just thinking.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “We’re so different, you know? We come from such different lives.”
“Does that matter?”
“Of course not. I just…” I carefully thought through my words. He still didn’t know who my family was or how Scarven entrapped us. I didn’t want his questions or his pity—even if he didn’t mean it that way.
“You talk about this life and the future you had planned, and it’s all foreign to me,” I said. “My family never really talked about what comes next. It was just about making it through each day. I’m not much of a dreamer.”
“I’m not either. Before you got here, I was convinced my life was over. I didn’t bother thinking about a future I knew I’d never get.”
“What changed?” I murmured.
There was a beat. He took a long breath, and my thoughts hinged on that sound, on the stretch between heartbeats, as something shifted in the air.
“I found something worth dreaming for.”